#krishva

#7: Walt Wordington and Wacky Uncle Wally's Alliteration Emporium

#6: Brought to You By Fritz Beer - "It's a Kind of Beer"

Do not touch the GIANT METAL APE, participate in an Olympics, get a skull transplant, or go to the Bass Pro Shop Superstore inside the pyramid. These are non-wholesome activities. You should only drink Fritz Beer, because it's safe to drink.

The West Martensdale Winds “The Winds of Change Blow Free”

The Delphi Indiana High School Oracles “A Tall Dark Stranger Approaches”

The East Orange New Jersey Dylans “It's A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall” (Usually accompanied by hours of tuneless strumming)

Brownsville “Dirty rotten double-crossing rat finks” “No one is safe”

The Desert Bluffs Scorpions “We Carry Our Young On Our Backs”

Nathan Hale High School's Nobly Dying Nathan Hales “I regret that I have but one life to give for my country!” Note: While the Nathan Hale slogan may be distressingly ordinary, it is only ever used when the Nobly Dying Nathan Hale team executes its famous “Execution” offense, where the entire team retains its dignity while being hung from the gallows, so much so that the opposing team weepingly concedes the game.

Pickle Brine Polka

By Kris Jacque

Greetings, friend !! Thank you for purchasing HORSE™, the powerful and dangerous companion for your whole family to enjoy. For your safety, please read this manual in its entirety before starting up your new HORSE™.

Getting Started

WARNING !! : DO NOT TOUCH HORSE™ PRIOR TO COMPLETING THE FULL BOOT SEQUENCE. HORSE™ MAY BECOME ENRAGED.

DISCLAIMER: By installing and configuring your HORSE™ you release HORSE™ Corporation from all liability for any injuries or damages caused by standard or non-standard usage of your HORSE™. 

Rocky Mountain Foods

Baby Baphomet

Cat Show

By Kris Jacque, performed by Zack Beauvais

Presented without modification or commentary, a report from the National Cat Breeders' Association 1997 Annual All-Breed Cat Show and Expo.

The National Cat Breeders' Association is proud to present the prestigious Annual All-Breed Cat Show and Expo on July 25, 1997, at the Lansing Civic Center.

This year's competition included 157 cats of 35 different breeds. The Award for Best Cat went to Czar's Russian Aristocracy, a female Ukrainian Forest Longhair. Runner-up was Plucky Lucky from Gladborne Cattery in Ohio. After the announcement, Plucky Lucky's owner, Roger Gladborne, was heard to say in menacing tones that Czar Cattery's Alicia Cogswell should "count her cats" after the match. He was escorted from the premises.

In the category of Best Alter, NCBA Judge Paula Jeggman chose Coliseum's Old Black Mountain, a handsome Roman Grey gib. Best Kitten went to Rockford's Little Blue Eyes, by Rockford's King Henry and Tower of London's Wild-Eyed Jane.

Highlights of the breed shows included the introduction of John-Smith Ruggard's new Indian Swimming Cat, Deep Breather of Shoreline Cattery, a promising young queen whom we hope to see at future NCBA events. There was some commotion at the Bobtailed Angora judging table when Alberta Solomon's Witch Doctor was disqualified for having whisker ticking where none was required. Windsong's Alabaster Rose put the judging on hold for an hour when she fled to the top of the pole-climb. It had to be carefully disassembled by NCBA official pole-climbsman Thomas Winters in order to safely retrieve her.

Fred Jones's British Munchkin, John Engler's Big Surprise, once again failed to meet any qualifications for winning "Best Cat." He had to be hidden from view before and after his judging to avoid causing spontaneous abortion in the pregnant females in nearby carriers. Despite all precautions, a young kitten accidentally viewed him and its resulting condition required immediate euthanasia. Fred Jones has offered to pay the kitten's owner, Alan Bart*, for the damages, but Mr. Bart insists that no amount of money can erase the trauma his children suffered as a result of witnessing the incident. Mr. Bart has started a campaign to ban Mr. Jones's cat from future competitions.

The NCBA extends its congratulations to all winners at this year's show. We hope to see many of you again at the NCBA Annual Kitten Race in November.