Your jeep is back in the driveway (though not in your usual spot on the curb to the left of the driveway) but its there. NHRA license and all. I'm scared to go in it though. I know that as soon as i open the door, i will be overwhelmed with the scent of blood and...you. We have pretty much all of your stuff back. Its all in a huge pile in the office. None of us know what to do. I went in there the other day and started to look around. The first evidence bag i picked up had BIOHAZARD written all over it, and inside was your wallet.Â
Antoine threw away your stuff. Which I can't quite grasp. He came into your house, went through the trouble of taking you from us just so he could rob you in peace, then your laptop and other valuables were found in a trashcan. I just don't get that. He didn't accomplish a damn thing.
My parents keep trying to tell me that it was noble of him to sign the release saying that all of the evidence can be released. I guess it was hard to sign a paper that effectively ensures that he can never retry his case, but theres no doubt that he did it. Its not noble, its the least he can fucking do. I can't believe a stood next to him, Chris. I was in a tiny room and if i had looked to my left when i was standing there...i don't know. Id have to face the eyes that stared into yours as you passed away. I felt him staring. I couldn't look.
I'm sorry I can't be as optimistic about this as everyone else seems to be. I understand that we have met amazing people because of this like Fred and Jeff, but we could have met them without you dying. It should have taken a birthday party (that we would have forced you to go to even though it'd be your own) or something like that, not a funeral.
We're making Christmas cookies for them. That shouldn't be significant, but you know, it is. The box of cookies for you was the taunting sign that you weren't coming back. It was almost two years ago, but you were supposed to be by in a few days to pick up the box of cookies and they sat there for months. No one could throw them away because throwing them away would mean admitting that you really weren't going to stop by after work for a spaghetti dinner and to drop of a fruit cake that you picked up at some random store on your way over. It meant that you wouldn't leave with the tin in the jeep that now stinks of your scent and your blood. It meant that you really were gone. And now, Jeff and Fred will be getting a box each as an extension of what should be going to you.Â
Its all so weird to me. I don't know how to handle this. I guess that's why i keep writing. And who knows, maybe you're reading these.Â
You're missing me grow up. You're missing me freaking out over my first semester grades and i really wish you were here to laugh at how neurotic I'm being. You're going to miss so many things that i've never even had to think about you not being here for and now all i have is these damn letters.