The rain is torrential. There is a winter storm warning + yet all I see is the rain flooding up the streets. I’ve been working on my piece re: Richard Chase since 7am this morning. Surrounded with all my hand-written papers + each tab of research open on the computer. I have a little more to write still, but as I am taking a small break--I’m actually good at this? This feels easy (not easy in the way that the subject matter doesn’t impact me but easy in that the work flow kicks in + takes me over + I’m barely thinking it’s already connected inside my head the thinking I did during the research period paying off)? I’m expressing something important without ever mentioning directly what it is that matters here, what we can + must learn from this, but setting it up so readers will pick up on it because I’ve led them to it, the outrage + the questions + the way it should have been + could have been avoided + the impact of all these little + big choices + our misunderstanding, + well I’m just rambling but there is just this very specific satisfaction at how natural this feels to me to write. I’ve always wanted to write crime (for what it can reveal---what our obsession with it can reveal---for the hope that through understanding we can find a better way of prevention + change the system from a mainly reactive one where the central focus is on punishing crime once it’s committed to proactive where we do equal amounts of preventative measures + intervention before the time intervention will have no success), but I doubted my ability to do so in the way I wanted to---doubted my ability to say what I needed to say. I’m not here to write gore-porn. I’m here to do something else entirely. + I doubted that I could do it. I doubted that I could find the human center in all this horror--to transcend the usual rubber-necked shock value tripe that exploits tragedy for entertainment.
+ I. fucking. shouldn’t. have. I’ll finish this up. Distribute it. Work. Think of what all is next to tackle. Nurse my boxer’s muscles because I destroyed them (trying to build them). Hide from this rain. + hopefully a good night of sleep will come last.
