#knh rambles

"Do you hate me so much?" he asked, his face now less like a wild dog and more like a puppy. Love, hate some people wanted the world to be so black and white. Why wouldn't he give her the choice of a gray area? "I suppose I don't hate you as such," she said. She might even think of him favorably.

"If you want to send me off wherever, well, if I'm just a pawn who makes no difference to the strategic situation, I guess I have no right to object. Am I a pawn to you, Master Jinshi?" He was silent. "Is there something you'd like to say to me?" - "Yes, I want to..." He started to answer, but refused to look her in the eye. Finally, he said, "I want to have another bowl of that stew." - "Sure," Maomao said after a second. "I'll go get some more." Apparently, she figured, this was his way of saying she was useful enough to keep around.

Jinshi’s steady and honest nature is what allows Maomao to feel comfortable enough in their dynamic to push back at him, to demand things of him and banter with him and be herself with him in ways she cannot express with others. Because he proves he is safe. That he will not hurt her, that he will not leave. He shows she isn’t just a crush of proximity but someone who matters to him and continues to show that over and over through words and actions.

"Jinshi was a man who could have had anything and everything he desired. And yet, he was such a straight shooter that it caused him to beat around the bush like this. He didn't want to take the shortest route to what he wanted, but the one that would be best for the other person."

"Jinshi suspected that if he asked Maomao what had happened to her since he had seen her last, she would give him only the most businesslike report. There would be no attempt to make him worry for her or sympathize with her. - Did she do that so that she wouldn't be a burden to him? Or simply because she saw no point in getting emotional about it? If the former, then Jinshi wouldn't be content until he had done something about this infuriating, cat-like creature."

He shows her he will give her what she needs, he will listen to her when she expresses a fear, a reservation, a want. And that's not something she's had in this particular way before. She's used to being ignored, so Jinshi's ability to push past her outer defenses of nonchalance and ambivalence reveals that she may want things, she may have desires but fear and insecurity often keep her from voicing them. In this way Jinshi's unwillingness to let her be continually evasive is a kindness.

"So I should be clear, should I? Unequivocal? I should say what I mean? If I did, would you actually listen to me? Is that what you're telling me? I'm going to hold you to that! Right this minute. I'll say it all. Don't plug your ears, listen to me!" He grabbed her hands as she was in the process of trying to put her fingers in her ears. He took a breath. He was looking at Maomao, but somehow he seemed almost embarrassed. Finally he managed, "Now listen to me, y- I mean, Maomao! Listen close! I am going to make you my wife!"

"But then, was it any less mad, what Jinshi had been forced to live with? He had the power; he could have done any number of even crazier things. That he had the generosity of heart to listen to Maomao's words made it hard to shout at him now."

This availability and openness is what I’d say is the perfect counter to Maomao’s inner deflective tendencies. In his prodding and affectionate pursuit, he gives her time and the opportunity to open up to someone in a way that feels comfortable to her. It allows her to see that any heartfelt reciprocation will be met with appreciation by the right person. Something even others affirm for her.

"I know you have your circumstances, Miss Maomao. It's important not to get carried away by your emotions! But..." - "You can't let that be an excuse either."

“Maomao, you're very fortunate. This person is clearly very persistent, extremely stubborn, doesn't know when to quit-" - "and is good enough that even you were willing to let him win." Maomao looked down, which was something Joka knew she did when she was trying to hide embarrassment.

So Jinshi truly is the perfect person for Maomao because she doesn’t lack the ability to love, she simply needs someone who can wait for her to express it. Which Jinshi has been able to do because of his growing appreciation of Maomao as a person and willingness to understand her gentle displays of affection that keep him eagerly pursuing her as he can see her sincerity underneath layers of feigned disinterest.

“What she felt for Jinshi was not, she suspected, a burning passion. She couldn't respond to him with the same feelings he brought to her, but at the same time, there weren't that many people in the world with whom she could feel this safe.”

Although she appreciates Maomao for the role she plays while in the rear palace and as her attendant, to me there’s a definite subservience with which she treats Maomao and how she views her as an entertainment, not as a woman. Every time she thinks of Maomao, it’s of how things would be more lively with her around, how she wants a diversion.

“She regarded Maomao’s visit as one of her all-too-few pleasures, and was treating it as something of a tea party.”

“If only her food taster, Maomao, were here, she might have been able to while away the hours. Gyokuyou was just a bit past twenty years old; her girlish curiosity was still undimmed.”

She even makes up an entire story surrounding her hair stick, uses her power as Empress and takes Maomao away from her work, just to be unravel a mystery she likely knew the answer to already. She presses Maomao to return to her service in part because she says she needs a food taster, as she’s worried of potential enemies, but in reality, it seems she wants someone who brings excitement into a life she feels lacks it.

While Gyokuyou has her children she loves, she knows that her relationship with the Emperor is mostly political in nature and so love and companionship aren’t going to be hers. To me there’s a part of her that sees in Jinshi and Maomao what she wishes she had with the Emperor, true love and affection with consideration for not just her position politically but also her emotions as a woman. While he does his best, it’s not the same as real love.

He visited Gyokuyou once every few days, and some of the nights on which he did not visit could be accounted for by the need to attend to official business. But not all of them. One of His Majesty’s duties was to produce as many children as possible. “I suppose it would make me the most awful person to say I felt jealous of Princess Fuyou.” Maomao shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“With all possible respect to Empress Gyokuyou, I must say His Majesty was deeply disappointed to realize that the one he truly wanted by his side was in no position to be there.”

“Part of her certainly sympathized with Maomao, and at the same time, part of her was jealous.”

She’s someone who’s still young and wants her life to be full of lively things. However, Maomao, while she enjoyed her time with Gyokuyou and still thinks of her fondly, does not want to return to her service. She thinks of working in the medical offices and growing her knowledge as a potential physician, even considering a future life with Jinshi, not of being a continual food taster and lady-in-waiting.

“Lady Gyokuyou had them made for all her ladies-in-waiting when she became Empress. I got one too!” “That’s nice, but I’m not one of her ladies.” - Maomao believed that life working for Empress Gyokuyou would be pleasant, in its own way. But I’m just not fit. Not only in terms of social status; Maomao’s personality would be something of a square peg in the round hole of the Empress’s lifestyle.

“Maomao... I do hope you’ll consider it,” Gyokuyou said, her eyes like a puppy’s. - Maomao pointedly avoided all three of their gazes, but she could feel they almost had her cornered.

The problem here and how Gyokuyou becomes an unintentional antagonist is because in this want for Maomao to return to her service and unwillingness to see that Maomao has other desires, she has continued to press her about coming back. So Jinshi brands himself with Gyokuyou’s seal to mark himself as her slave, attempting to make it clear he will not be her enemy nor that of her son.

“Rest assured, Empress Gyokuyou: your enemy I shall never be.” - He’d avoided his stomach, but on his flank, just above his pelvis, there was a burn. She recognized the shape: it was the crest Empress Gyokuyou had been given. - “Now, Empress Gyokuyou, I can never defy you. Even if His Majesty should depart this world, I cannot and will not threaten the Crown Prince.”

In also being pointed that his wife is the only one who can attend to his body post-brand and having Maomao there with numerous medicines, his intention to show her as this future wife is evident. This declaration was the attempt at finally showing Gyokuyou that Maomao did not want to return to her service and that Jinshi was not going to try to usurp her son in the succession so he and Maomao could be together. Jinshi uses his power to try and set Maomao free, Gyokuyou uses hers to try and pull Maomao back into the palace.

Empress Gyokuyou was woozy, but still conscious. Jinshi looked at her. “Empress, I know you were hoping Maomao could be your serving woman forever, but perhaps I could ask you to relinquish that dream. - “My wife will have to be a woman I can trust implicitly.” - “Is—Is that what you were really after?” Gyokuyou asked, scowling. “I’m not sure what you mean,” Jinshi replied, feigning ignorance even though Maomao was still tucked under his arm.

This same sort of situation happened early on with the hair sticks when Jinshi, after hearing about Maomao’s upbringing in the pleasure district, gives her his hair stick to show his protection and affection for her. Gyokuyou expresses her disappointment that her claiming of Maomao with the necklace didn’t last long and is "outshone" by Jinshi's even though he didn't have that intention.

“It was a man’s silver hair stick that he had put in her hair. One of those he himself had been wearing, she presumed. - “So much for that promise. That didn’t take long,” Consort Gyokuyou said, almost pouting. The consort took the stick from Maomao and put it neatly in the young woman’s hair. “I guess you’re not just my lady-in-waiting anymore.”

It’s all in how they view things. Jinshi doesn’t see the hair stick or even his branding as something to obligate Maomao to doing what he wishes or that Maomao is his possession after giving her the ornament but Gyokuyou, viewing these kinds of situations in light of court games, can only seem to see Maomao as a toy to be claimed, used for her purposes or given away. That’s why she finds amusement in playing games with Jinshi over letting Maomao go back to his service, when in actuality he had permitted her to go and serve Gyokuyou because he knew Maomao enjoyed being there. To her Maomao is less her own person and that can become an issue. Although she values Maomao's services as an apothecary and food taster in some respects, most of why she wants her back has to do with her own desires for interesting stories.

Empress Gyokuyou sat across from Maomao, eyes sparkling, eager for any hint of an amusing, titillating, or generally interesting story. Which, unfortunately, I don’t have, and if I did, I probably couldn’t talk about it.

For all people talk of Maomao’s fear of Jinshi, the only fear she has ever expressed is towards Gyokuyou. We believe it’s because they’re friends, that she doesn’t want to make someone she once had a cordial relationship with become her enemy. Also that it has to do with potential political machinations that would involve their children and succession should she and Jinshi get together before he’s removed as the future successor, which is definitely a motivator.

Instead of answering, she murmured, “I don’t want to be an enemy.” Jinshi gave her a sidelong look as if to ask whose enemy she meant. “To Empress Gyokuyou,” she said.

“Whatever do you have in mind here?” Empress Gyokuyou asked. “Is Maomao going to solve a fascinating mystery for us?” Her eyes were sparkling. Maomao had wondered if everything would be all right between them considering what had happened earlier, but judging by Gyokuyou’s current appearance, it looked like everything was fine.

I’d argue, however, that another reason behind her not wanting Gyokuyou as an enemy may be because Maomao has fear of Gyokuyou herself, not just the politics of rivalry that would involve other parties. As she has pointed out before that Gyokuyou was cunning enough to survive the rear palace and all the women who were striving to become the Jewel of the nation. That’s no easy task. Maomao herself doesn’t want to be on the other end potentially of Gyokuyou’s cunning or ambitious side, especially when it would come to her children. It’s one thing when it was herself facing political rivals, it’s a whole other thing when it’s a mother against rivals for her child’s success.

And so the consort became an empress. Gyokuyou was now formally married to His Majesty, and it was important she made that clear to those around her. In battle, you could minimize casualties if you had an overwhelming strength advantage.

Frankly, Gyokuyou impressed even herself with the fluency of this little sermon. With a tongue that quick, she might even survive this women’s war.

Maomao and Jinshi know what’s at stake for Gyokuyou should people decide they do not want a Prince with Western blood on the throne and so they both try in so many ways to make it clear to her that they don’t want to be in her way. But to me it’s the fact they feel the need to prove it to her and not the Emperor that says she may be the one who is at the core more frightening or willing to do what’s necessary if she feels she has to.

Though she was the Emperor’s favorite, Gyokuyou was also still young, not more than a couple or three years older than Maomao herself, as Maomao understood it. “I’m not certain it’s appropriate to discuss in front of a lady such as yourself...” “I wouldn’t be here if I couldn’t endure both the beautiful and the terrible in this world,” Gyokuyou said boldly. Jinshi glanced at Maomao, an appraising look that swiftly vanished.

Meimei - She represents unrequited love or remaining single against one’s wishes. Although it can be seen that Meimei is romantic and has felt love, her feelings go unmet. She expresses a desire to be bought out of the Verdigris House but isn’t and we even have some idea that she wished Lakan had bought her out but knew that wasn’t much of a possibility. Even when she is finally taken it’s because of her skills at Go, not a romantic notion. So her representation is that of a woman who remains single and fulfills other ambitions but likely against what her heart truly wishes.

Pairin - She represents casual love or remaining single because she’s unable to accept love that’s already there. This one may be controversial due to how some view her and Lihaku’s relationship. However, I’ve never seen it as particularly “romantic”. We value his devotion to her because she’s the only one in his eyes, but that’s not reciprocated from her direction. She still acts as if she’s waiting for a prince even though Lihaku adores her only and has spent years coming to see her. To me Pairin’s affection for Lihaku isn’t love, it’s casual affection of convenience, wanting to keep Lihaku around for what he gives her without equal reciprocation. In the light novel it’s been 6+ years and yet there has been no movement past this casual state of their relationship. We see Lihaku’s love as pure because he’s not with anyone else but Pairin is not shown to give the same level of affection. People will claim it’s due to her life as a courtesan but as Maomao says she only has to take costumers occasionally but instead takes customers because she wants to and is, to put it frankly, a sex addict. This shows that while Pairin says she wants a white knight to come and take her away, she’s too addicted to her current lifestyle and the fantasy she’s created to ever leave. As it’s been made clear she has enough money to leave the Verdigris House and the madam would even let her go to a suitor for half the price if it was her wish, yet she stays. As such I feel it shows she an Lihaku are forever in this “casual” place where one wants more but Pairin will remain single because of unrealistic expectations and not being honest that she may just like being a courtesan and having multiple sexual partners too much.

Joka - She represents bitter love or being single because of unwillingness to move past hurts and form actual relationships. It’s clear from interactions with Maomao and how she’s described as a courtesan that Joka is a difficult person, harsh and critical, who has trust issues. She throws barbs at Maomao about being a whore’s daughter and is almost a copy of the miserly madam. Instead of being willing to see how Maomao is growing she insults her and says she cannot have a normal romance but must be like Joka herself, rejecting people. It’s suggested that she will one day be the one to take over the Verdigris House as well, showing that because she cannot learn how to move past her own problems she will stay in the same cycle of bitterness collecting only what’s valuable to her which has become money.

Maomao - She represents true love or love that is fulfilled through growing friendship, understanding and romantic connection. While Maomao isn’t perfect and neither is her past she hasn’t let that be a deterrent to creating meaningful relationships with others, namely Jinshi. Even though she’s immensely skeptical and shrugs off or denies the possibility he could love her because of who she is and her own devaluation of herself, she comes to realize he does want her and this realization leads to communication. This willingness to open up to possibility, to friendship, to romantic love is where Maomao differs from her sisters. As all of them have gone unfulfilled in romance not just because they’re courtesans but also because they make choices that can close them off from others. While Maomao has this tendency due in part to her sisters upbringing, she’s learning to actively go against it and pursue what’s between her and Jinshi. Even when she’s doubtful he will want what she has to give because she sees her own feelings as “lukewarm” compared to his deeper ones she pushes forward anyway and we know that Jinshi doesn’t devalue her reciprocation at all. To this end she exemplifies the chance at true love.

“You can’t let him grab the initiative just because he’s the customer.” - That was back when she’d been teaching Maomao the courtesan’s trade (very much over the younger woman’s objections). - remembering Pairin meant remembering the techniques Pairin had taught her, had drilled into her despite her protests; she’d worked Maomao to the verge of tears, until Maomao was able to perform them to her sister’s satisfaction. Until those techniques became not just a response, but an instinctive reaction.”

While he responds in kind at first, when the kiss ends and he looks at her, he realizes it wasn't truly Maomao who was immersed in their kiss but her just trying to “win the game”, so to speak. Like he mentions, she’s playing the part of a curtain and just rolling with whatever he does, she’s not an active participant in the relationship yet which is what Jinshi’s heart wanted when he kissed her.

“She could feel his heartbeat, but he couldn’t feel hers. What did she think, feeling the way it raced and pounded? It was obvious at a glance. The wind caught her hair, sending ripples through it.”

We do find out later in light novel 12 that in truth Maomao was lying to herself a bit that she didn’t enjoy the kiss, as she wouldn’t have “retaliated” or kissed him back if she wasn’t into it at all. However, at the time all Jinshi could see after it ended was her sort of teasing expression that made him feel as if she only kissed him as a distraction to then remove herself from the situation.

Presumably he was thinking of “before,” when he had forced a kiss on her, and she’d turned the tables and given him a taste of his own medicine. “Don’t worry, sir. I won’t get you back for it this time.” “Er… That’s not what I…” “You’d rather I did?” Jinshi pursed his lips and looked at Maomao. “I rather thought you despised me.” This time it was her turn not to say anything. Instead, she glanced away from him. I think I don’t despise him…do I? If not, then of course she wouldn’t try to get him back.

So I think this is why ultimately when he reflects back on their kiss the next morning in light novel 6, he’s disappointed. One, because he maybe had skewed motives in wanting to “win” one over on Maomao at first vs purely being with her knowing that they show love differently and two, because he thought she shut him out and so he was unable to get any hint at her real feelings once again.

“He had tried to make some riposte, but the apothecary girl had simply said “Pardon me” and left as if nothing had happened. She claimed she heard her cousin calling; it was like she had nothing more to do here. She would have been more emotional about a dog bite. Or a mosquito bite.”

This disappointment though is what ultimately, I believe, fuels him to try to understand her better going forward and for both of them to stop viewing love as such a "game", where one has to win and more a pursuit of the other person.

I also did a whole breakdown for the light novel 5 epilogue moment if you’d want to read that and see if it explains any extra questions you might have, so I’ll put the link below here:

This whole interaction to me was evidence of her accepting his feelings and reciprocation in kind as she was willing to take on the implications of being with him to the point of coming “prepared.” Since it’s from Jinshi’s perspective, we can see that he takes it like a confession from her as well since she’s the one taking initiative this time instead of merely allowing him to be the one who starts anything. He’s happy because he sees her preparations as her showing genuine feeling towards him vs passive allowance of his own feelings or not making clear enough her own depth of commitment. His realization at the implications of her preparations makes all the difference in that it does show her willingness to follow through and commit to him but it breaks his heart for burdening her and I’m glad that they didn’t and haven’t followed through on this part of their relationship yet.

“I’m not sure I’ll be very skilled at any of this. And I’ll shame myself if I fail.” Maomao’s eyes were serious. He’d learned that she had the soul of a craftsperson, bent on doing her very best at anything she attempted, no matter what it was. Still confused, Jinshi let out a breath. The point was, she wasn’t going to try to finagle a way out, like she had last time. She was being proactive, which made him very happy."

“I’m sorry to make you be the careful one.” - Jinshi felt it was something close to a miracle that he had met a woman like Maomao. That was why he didn’t want to let her go. He’d gone so far as to press a brand into his own side, all to keep her.”

He doesn’t even know that Ah-Duo tried to talk her out of it and asked her if she wanted to escape and she declined, in so many words. Although I’m glad that Jinshi realizes this moment wasn’t the right time for them, for so many reasons, it was the turning point in them sort of establishing that the feelings they share are completely mutual. There was an unspoken sense in which they both knew that to be the reality before, but now this moment cements that they both wanted to be together. It’s just not the right time, yet.

Jinshi gently picked Maomao up. She’d gained a little weight since the last time he’d held her, but still she was light. Her hair smelled of camellia oil. “Are you sure about this?” “I told you I came prepared for this, didn’t I?” She averted her eyes as if begging him not to make her say it again. He found it a little annoying, but very Maomao-esque. He wasn’t the only nervous one; she was too. Realizing he wasn’t alone gave Jinshi some relief."

With how sweetly nervous they both are and insecure in their abilities but wanting to please the other, I hope we see them wait until they’re married as that will finally bring that security and closeness both of them seem to need and want. And of course with all the current political implications, once they’re allowed to get married it will prove that those weights of potential threat are removed so the reasons for not being together are no longer there, as Jinshi says now, the burden was too much on Maomao to be careful and that’s not something he wanted. Once they’re freed from royal obligations and fear of reprisals should they be married and have a child, then they could finally be together, which I think is when we’d see them happiest.

She knew speaking out against Shenmei was stupid given what was likely to happen but she did it regardless because she felt the woman needed to have somebody correct her. And of course Shenmei was of higher status than Maomao but that doesn't factor into Maomao's willingness to say something to her, it's only that her actions are wrong.

So, in relation to Jinshi, if she saw anything he was doing as truly overstepping or as dangerous to her or anyone else, she'd have no problem speaking up about it if the moment called for it. Yet, she doesn't, which must say nothing between them has risen to the level of her being worried he is abusing his status against her or others. Like you said, in private she freely speaks her mind with him because she knows she can. There's truly no boundary between them except an imagined one put up only when it's convenient for her to put distance due to insecurity. Otherwise, her comfort at their familiarity is obvious.

Also, just because your analysis made me think of this connection, often when there's a reference to Jinshi's status or Maomao deigns to recognize his interest in her, she usually also demeans herself. In LN 5 when she’s surrounded by the women who are there as potential brides for Jinshi she describes herself like this:

“She looked like a stalk of shepherd’s purse among a field of roses and peonies. Just one thing helped calm her in this otherwise unfamiliar and unsuitable ensemble: a fine silver hair stick.”

She doesn’t get why she’d be amongst these kinds of women she sees as so different from herself and in a world she doesn’t feel she fits into. Funny enough her only comfort is the hair stick Jinshi gave her of the moon and poppy, a huge status symbol at the party that Maomao is the one in his favor. Even Rikuson knows that much when he decides to dance with her.

“The beautiful man at the center of it was looking directly at them. “Please remember that you aren’t a disinterested third party. Never forget the import of what you wear on your head.” Does he mean the hair stick?”

Then in LN 6 when she’s trying to rationalize Jinshi choosing her for marriage when he could have any number of other women:

“He’s got strange tastes, though... Surely Jinshi could have had his pick of beautiful, noble women. Who would choose a weed like wood sorrel when he was surrounded by peonies and roses? There must have been someone better suited to him than Maomao.”

This just keeps showing that Maomao doesn’t see herself as someone he should pick, regardless of whether she might want to be chosen or have feelings for Jinshi at all. Aside from the fact of whether they break status or she knows he doesn’t care that she’s not of noble birth, she simply can’t grasp that he likes her just as she is and has no interest in the trappings of courtly women who are only after his face and power.

Lastly in LN 8 when Jinshi pulls out the golden pearl and reveals it was a gift sent by a family proposing marriage to their daughter:

“You could probably count on one hand the number of people who could and would send the Emperor’s younger brother a massive pearl in hopes that he would marry their daughter. And if anyone with those sorts of resources is trying to forge a connection with Jinshi...”

We can almost read Maomao’s inferiority at knowing there is simply an impossibility that anyone of a lower status could find a way to give such a gift for marriage. That for Jinshi to marry is a big deal, his choice of wife of immense importance to the nation and that puts not only his life in danger for political manipulation but his wife as well.

Maomao continually lacks and evades the understanding that yes, being with and marrying Jinshi is a big deal but more so emotionally than it is in any other way because to finally admit she returns his feelings and would want to commit herself to him will be to make herself ultimately vulnerable. Not to mention that, if she’s honest, she knows that Jinshi cares nothing for pearls and gift arrangements and the like. He was upset that he lost in the Go match with Lakan in LN 8 likely because he wanted the favor from him to ask about marriage to Maomao (something even Maomao considers):

“She couldn’t help wondering why Jinshi was so desperate to win. What would have caused him to lay such elaborate plans? With the freak strategist involved, though... She suddenly got a very depressing idea.”

“Even if it did cause her to miss what Jinshi said next, a quiet murmur: “I never did earn that favor I wanted.”

So using his status is one of the last barriers she employs to separate them from reasonably being together. Once that has been mostly toppled by Jinshi’s efforts, as we have seen, Maomao’s true feelings emerge that she does want to pursue this life with Jinshi but fear and insecurity are often what keep her from voicing any desire to do so. As you so greatly explained this is what causes the inconsistency in her behavior. Her true want to pursue something with Jinshi warring with her inner self-doubt and past experiences.