20 Days To Go

Today marks the 1st anniversary with my special favorite person who has been one of my answered prayers that I desperately manifested since before. I'm very grateful amidst the brewing numbness of my mind exhausted from work. Although I get a dose of affection from my significant other and showered loving support from my family, most especially from my mother, I sometimes feel mellow.

You know, something feels lacking and I know deeply there's a huge loophole from one of my aspects that needs to be filled in. Right now, I'm writing my thoughts and feelings as my free expression of solace. Thoughts that spiral from me being a problem in a certain circumstance to a myriad of 'what ifs' of my future.

Who's going to be the right people where I feel like I truly belong? Who are still gonna be my genuine friends in each year passed as I aged? Who's going to be my support system in moments of a cry for help or something that's gonna happen, may it be from scams, hospital bills, delayed loan payments? Although I have not come to reach at this level yet nor do I ever want to step into that real test of adulting, I have to acknowledge to the possibility that someday I would come to a point similar to those aforementioned scenarios. I must have the right practical resources to combat these unfavorable possibilities.

It's the sense of belongingness that's lost in me. The friends I had since high school and college we drifted apart by not being acknowledged especially everytime if we posted rarely at social media. At those points, it is a test of who matters the most by just hitting the chat and ask how's life doing then hoping am invite to catch around. None of that happens to me. Probably, I could see why. It's the pace and the level where I am compared to them in terms of career and settlement.

This just paints me as the sad girl who's robotic at work. I put boundaries to keep me fully sane. As much as possible, not getting myself in troubles or any sort of mischief. I feel like I am the problem. I just keep most of my relationships superficial or is it the different people I deal with at my everyday job doesn't somehow reach at a level of our rapport to be considered as friends? Or whom we feel or relate to outside business?

The pivot of my unending overthinking drains me mentally. No wonder I, probably most of time, feel so droggy early in the morning. This is exhausting. And hurting. Subtly. Overthinking what my counterparts who are three times the rank more than me perceive me based on what they hear about me or saw me somewhere that I do not display as a professional at my leisure times. Thinking they don't like me because of those possible situations and gosh, I hate formulating on how to make people or someone you know you haven't spoken with like me for first impressions. I could feel if someone ain't the same wave as me jiving from work or outside of that aspect.

I feel like a nobody. Just someone who's got superficial relationships harvested from work. It is business, the offers and close dealings. No time to make in hanging around with the clients or some coworkers you want to grow closer outside business. It's sad because we are all gonna run and spend time at our special haven - the ones we considered as priority, the family. Elimination round is the place where I'm always feeling to be by the means of spending energy to who truly deserves it. Who deserves to be inserted on a busy schedule and despite everything.

I feel like I am the least favorite and it hurts thinking about it. Being so pensive about due to my quirkiness and my crooked dialect. Doing my best to talk normally with people by avoiding to come out sounding like a foreigner who's trying hard to speak our local language. I really hate this flaw about myself, besides looking so androgynous - my secondary insecurity but learned to be proud and embrace my physical flaw.

I just wanna cry, pondering what route God is going to direct me before I hit the cusp of 30s? If I am still going to continue at my sales career? Going on the flow that is how passive I do while there's no any door of opportunity to help me get out from this place I am stuck at. Sales is a love-hate relationship. You feel stuck at it the more you get yourself loaded accounts from referrals and endorsements. That's great! However, the whole cycle drains me alot, especially being your most passive self to entertain business clients.

I'm so tired. I wish and pray and manifest the all things in balance to keep me abundantly happy that produces more high quality results from the craft I am innately so great for. Something brand new but it wouldn't take away the very core from my soft skills or anything that aligns with that. Alot of new experiences, new people as instant friends outside business. New level of comfort like staying in a condo for awhile long whilst being with significant partner for business/work. Generating more booming income. And travels like no other.

Manifesting, gradually each subject of full hearts desire will be aligning to reality from just dreams we so desperate to have.

Ciao!

January 31, 2024

What I'm feeling right now is a mild emotional heartbreak. The kind of heartbreak that quickly subsides later as you keep yourself busy by chatting with at least one or three the same people whom you feel genuinely being cared for and other past times such as scrolling mindlessly over your feeds or adding items to cart at SHEIN. This heartbreak I am feeling right now is not related to my romance/love life aspect. Heck, I'm happily single and healthily living with more abundance at my current stage for almost eight months counting.

One of the traits that I hate and love the most about myself is being observant and protective of my energy by staying passive or by simply means being neutral in the corporate world. It torns me into little piece by piece, each time I feel the change of dynamics of our relationship and the more I interacted with a certain co-professional or generally, how I try to fit in their social box, the more he/she feels off about me. Is it something that I have said or was I insensitive enough or how I should act out? Or were those my quirks that are a completely off that other people adorned? Or simply we aren't a check on vibe. This isn't applied to all partnered personnels. Just a few I meant from them. I mean, I'm used with the confrontations if there's any mismanagement from hectic work. I'll manage to patch up, being careful and avoid repeating the same mistakes again by doing more better next time. I'm all cool with the corrections. But, being personally connected and being heard. Feeling I am a valid human being is what I seek there.

This got me overthinking by reducing myself that I'm the least likeable. I am truly heartbroken in this longing search of belongingness. I feel like I'm the unicorn that's being taken for granted among them other horses, so odd on their views maybe just because I don't completely align most of their traditional goals like get married, pregnant, have babies and share sufferings. Or perhaps, because of how I take good care of myself - appearance wise - or most of the time, I cannot think of any comments about anything outside work related, so I just maintained my calm, nonchalant composure...and the overthinking list goes on. However, outside the corporate world, I'm praised and showered with countless admiration for being cool for simply being me.

Sometimes I feel like asking to God, is it valid to feel that I want to kill myself and simply not exist anymore? Just because I feel like I do not feel appreciated for who I am or how I do not feel that I truly matter there. I know this is a small issue that I make such a big fuss about it. I only keep this with myself, never have I shared this to anyone. Not even to whom I'm kind of having a lowkey 'thing' with the current who. My family, genuine longtime friends, some supportive business clients and co-officers and people online who gushed over me...These are the ones whom I should be so grateful to God for allowing these people into my life to keep going. I should always think about this. Be grateful that there are people who still want me to be alive. Existing.

Going back...on the other side of the coin, I'm comfortable with at least three or four of my co-professional partners whom I feel accepted. Still, not enough. I'm not enough, never will I ever be enough for anyone who wants to keep in touch with me.

I know you, as an avid reader who comes reading this far (and for that I truly appreciate you whoever you are! May God grant you unexpected abundant blessings to your life in all aspects!) feel weirded out questioning how come I, as a successful and beautiful career woman, who lives by fitness, who pampers her appearance, who's got achievements in her sales career, being admired by countless clients and strangers, living such a good and peaceful life, ever reached into this level of self-loathing and sulking.

Welp, all I can say, for me, sense of belongingness is what I'm struggling. Hence, I'm much happier mingling with different people and making new friends through online dating applications and business dealings because I don't get to interact all of them everyday. They do not get to the openly, genuinely carefree real me - the same ole dorky, nerdy, weirdly multi-linguist, quirky, boyish me - in which, my closest longtime high school, college and childhood friends could see. Those who know me the best and by heart.

I noticed that I tend to jump and hangout with new groups every time the previous ones I stayed in contact with dissolves, truly because of different life priorities and no mutual effort to adjust our times to see each other.

Being silent is both either my comfort or shield to protect myself not to get into a conflict. It's so hard to find someone whom I feel that I really matter or who truly listens to me in that tough hearted world. I know one of my problems is shutting myself off by keeping myself busy with growing piles of applications and client calls. I probably do this tactic because I'm either lazily sociable or not in the mood to be sociable or overwhelmed from work. I easily get socially drained. That's why I'm careful in saving up my energy to whom I feel deserves my time and most importantly being in a personal boundary with me.

To wrap up the emotional sadness behind this contagious smiley face who is to live another day tomorrow...I am on my third day of red tide.

Ciao!

March 15, 2022

I'm at the age of taming my inner wound with a big palm of pain. Tolerable enough to keep myself going.

I'm at the age where my patience is tested. Levelling waters, sizing up chances and calculating risks.

I'm at the age where I have to chisel my defiance and oppression against all odds.

I'm at the age where weeping could either mean from a source of joy or loss.

I'm at the age where melancholy is either a catharsis from mismanaged frustrations or comfort from a tinge of reliving nostalgia.

I'm at the age where I feel so grateful that I can afford Starbucks drinks, in which I cried so hard when I was 13 years old begging my mother to buy me one because I was so desperate to try out their frappes and other fancy looking beverages.

I'm at the age where I feel contented but should not stay comfortable at this new limitation. Rich enough to provide for me and my family's needs but not yet more than enough rich to grant myself financial freedom to build the future that I envisioned to live by.

I'm at the age where I feel so established, but I never feel enough as a person based on my performance at work or where I stand between ranks in climbing up the corporate ladder or new friends from all over the spread. Apparently, this is one aspect that most people who know me feel so intimidated about. Doing my best not to exude such a haughty aura and freely grace myself with the humility where the young, dorky and geeky child within me was rooted.

I'm at the age where everytime I had lunch I'd always stay silent and calm while gathering my thoughts and enjoying my cooked huge meal that is totally good enough for the whole day. Listening over a few colleagues complaining about entitled clients and this other co-worker almost everyday that we have to adjust their volcanic behavior.

I'm at the age where I feel so lonely, despite of how great my career and other areas of my life that seem to have fallen into place. Despite being surrounded by a sea of people everyday. The kind of relationships I've forged so far with the superficial interests we have in common. Despite, staying through thick and thin with my family just the four of us dealing with our personal complications - psychologically and financially wise.

I'm at the age where I've experienced casually dating people that the society would look at it in full lens as an escapism from life's despair to a road filled of hook-up cultures. I'm the kind of person who avoided the route where people traded bodies and treated as commodities for a gain of physical pleasure without even caring about the vulnerability aspect, a touch to their soul. Instead, talking over coffee with different strangers I've matched with at online dating is therapeutic. We get to release and listen to the pain we have been holding on so long - breakup from a young love, taking care a baby as a single parent, other personal frustrations. It's like I'm at a library going over to a corner and choose, instead of books, it's the personal life stories of different genres of people I'm reading.

I'm at the age where I feel so envious and happy with other people who are happy, open and proud of being with their significant other regardless their label. The couples who don't have to hide that all parties are supportive seeing their innately electric energy built up healthily through obstacles they've overcome in the name of love.

I'm at the age where I'm hoping the risks I extended myself for someone is not gonna be another hard lesson in love that I have to endure again. Afraid to be running through same circles of cycle wherein my light shines the brightest until another lost and broken soul who's either still staying with another unwithered soul that they're trying to break free from or who has gone freshly out from their fallen union. A soul that comes along and seeks me as their refuge then tries to dim my light. An absorption to repair every fiber of the fragility of their soul. In turn, leaves and finds another similar light to anchor yet nowhere is near comparable as me. Finally, regrets rearing their ugly head out in phases, reaching out to me by universal signs.

I'm at the age where I want to love again. The feeling of adrenaline rush without having worries creeping out on questionable assurances from one another. Staying on cloud nine in new engagements to test on how long we could take this electric between us stay alive and strong. Romance filtered atmosphere that feels like we're the only two people left as the whole world stops and stares at us. A partnership, an attraction of opposite energies building a common ground of synchronisation and compatibility that's free from judgements and hideouts. Rectify the mistakes from my past two relationships to become a better partner in all aspects. Lingering to the intimacy I'm longing for - emotional connection and liberation.

Been crying almost two hours now by writing this train of thoughts here. As always, writing and music soothes me at ease til' I grow tired masturbating out my emotions and feel numb after a single shed of teardrop.

Currently listening and finishing this to "she makes me wanna die" by jindie.

Ciao

September 1, 2021

The peak of my red tide has got to be the cause of why my mind goes intangled and triggered a growing deeply sown frustation throughout this whole day. I might second my over intake of caffeinated beverages today to be part of the major blame too. This has conjured images of the things I really want to do and enjoy. In the unprecedented world we're currently caught on, with my reluctance, I am jeopardized by having second thoughts on weighing out the risks and benefits on pushing what I desire to do as part of my self-love - gym, solo travels, driving classes. From these planted frustrations unveils what rolls out at the end of today.

Throughout the day, just out of the blue, while waiting for my appointment at the hospital, I decided to meet with someone who works at the coffeeshop. It's just a walk mile distance. I had a fine moment of transient socializing with 'them' while jumbling with my client calls and a few mail reports. As always, on how consistently thoughtful and welcoming they were, they treated me with my favorite coffee drink along with vegetarian salad and blueberry cheesecake. Honestly, I felt an immense gratitude on my every visit there as I thought they and along others associated with me are angels in my life based on their gestures imbued of positive energies. Along with our conversation, it was just me being accosted of how I was doing. I was expressing on wanting to unwind on local travels and beaches as a solo traveller or hoping to be adopted by any willing adventure seeking cliques. As an open opportunity for me to explore and along the way make new friends which I know how crucial this is at my age.

From suggesting cool beaches and tourist spots into harboring mixed emotions of frustration and dreading over you as they asked me how am I with you. They kinda felt dubious on our non-label or lowkey so to speak kind of relationship. They kinda felt a pity on me as they knew how expressive I was on assuring you that I still have feelings for you. They adamantly advised me not to take this martyrdom too long while you're at abroad as they had a gut feeling you might possibly met someone more special. Since, we haven't spoken yet for almost two months right after you left me on seenzone last July 20, 2021, I believe? You were at the van on your way home from whatever was your part-time job related errands at night. As an overthinker, I have already thought about that as one of the future major possibilities for another painful heartbreak in this cusp of adulthood. Most likely the reason to be would be you finding yourself falling in love more in there and choose to live permanently there and restart a new life chapter. I sensed it's never gonna be as traumatazing as my last toxic ex-boyfriend. But, a somewhat liberating yet a very painful and great lesson in love to be embedded from.

Right now, honestly, I'm crying here at my room because I'm overthinking that maybe our depth of love for one another since then was we misinterpreted in some way on confronting what's so special and rare we had or we took it differently by meaning. Maybe, on your side, this is just a fleeting rollercoaster moment, a phase you'll take what we had a special connection for granted. From my side, I know I prayed for this to have it with you during college which right now I yearned for something greater between us and that has left me feeling one-sided with you. Maybe, I mistook what you've felt for me as something greater and beyond just purely a crush. Since you've got no father figure and are a single child, maybe you loved me more as a sibling with no romantic/intimate attachment, perhaps. I don't know, I feel kinda guilty, confused and hurt with these self-inflicting thoughts. I have a hunch that could be the reason on your phases of denial flickering out. At the same time, I'm sulking to the thought of you being taken over by your selfishness and pride or your own demon as you mentioned then. Maybe you might forget me and along with your closest loved ones here who are missing you. I know you just have to figure things out for yourself and come up with some thoughtfulness and considerations whilst exploring on your dream land which I'm so happy for you that you've made it given the global situation.

Being so emotional right now and incessantly crying, fuck. Of course, I have thought about these possibilities on being on your shoes because I want to save myself from being too idealistic in love and shift my perception into what is realistic. I have considered every factor amidst this pandemic while being patient with you without waiting, I don't know if that makes any sense. The pain caused from these thoughts is something I should embrace as a cure of a future heartbreak. I don't want to disturb you although I want to besides on how much I miss you so much and wondering about you. But, truly the main reason is I know you have received more than enough of my assurance that you'll always count on me based on the poems, songs, letters and most especially that birthday presentation I sent during the lockdown period.

Apart from that, I will just let you be. Just like that significant gist from the film Ruby Sparks, I don't want to control or try to change you out of frustration to stay in line what favorable consequences I'd like to project through you in choosing me. Teary-eyed me painfully sees this as a challenge on what's meant for me will find its way back to me on the right time granted by the Universe. Done right out naturally. Regardless, the balance of negative and positive opinions I gathered from others, I'm still gonna be on flow and patience with you. Wholeheartedly, no matter what, I'll always be thankful for how long I take this too far on reaching you amidst the uproar of doubts and approvals, cheers and jeers from the crowd on how our relationship unfolds. Despite, I felt I am silenced onto holding with this, anchoring with hope though I'm drowning in despair. Because, I swear to God, what we have is so unimaginably rare that I couldn't find this kind of special connection with a gazillion of people I met who just come and go. I kept searching for you to anyone who has been enamored by me or anyone at our age group connected with me both in and out of my professional field. At this far reaching point, you are beyond comparable. No one is anywhere near significantly special as you - the fear of losing and the risk of temporary place in my life serving as what figure of platitude.

Tonight, I saw a post introducing one of the locally known DJs residing from the middle region of our country who's in a long-term 6 year relationship with one of the Miss Universe candidates from the aformentioned region competing against other beauty pageants for the globally crown reigning competition. As I viewed the couple's adorable pictures and appreciating how beautiful they are, I cried asking God how I wish to be genuinely happy by having this kind of exact inspiring and loving relationship with open acceptance and no room of denials coupled with exuberance and blessings from both parties and the public with no clouded judgements and be perceived as subject to love is beyond what's intangible. This. I felt envious. I know this overblowing trail of messed up rumination will pass but come in lighter degrees from inexplicably thinking about you past work hours until I hit the hay.

Right now, I only hope and ask the Universe for you to be safe at all aspects while chiselling in becoming the better version of yourself by weeding out the realized toxic traits you figured from yourself based on your encounters from living with your abroad ambitions. Hoping you will have more strength and energy to take care of yourself and tread against whatever plummets you down in this new journey as the world has been hard enough. As you say, happiness is such a luxury.

September 1, 2021

On the light of this messed up mind, as a consolement, I should be so thankful on the following things from coming this far. One is finally my parents undeniably accept and approve me for who I am in terms of my choice such as being childless or not putting myself on the socially venerated traditional family set-up. I also feel their love and support for me, most especially my mom, on what I envisioned to achieve in love, livelihood and career wise. Only my close friends and certain people whom I feel are open-minded knows this particular core of my wholly constituted well-being by being my true self with no shame nor at fault. Second is the hybrid working environment which I feel more motivating and striving. Third is my manager as the beacon of encouragement and positive leader influence. Fourth is my passion and commitment in my fitness journey. Fifth is being water in everything unpredictable at any stress-induced situation. I am so exhausted on feeling too much and just choose silence as my response and ignore as defense to shut all noises.

Sixth is I'm happy on repeatedly listening to this Korean chill rock indie song that gives off that solo travel atmosphere feels into it. What I'm listening right now from my Spotify playlist is one of my favorite soundtracks from the recent KDrama I watched Nevertheless. The title's So Tender by Say Sue Me. Someday, when everything will be put into place at the right time granted by the Universe, I wish to be genuinely happy. Aligned on what I'm hoping. Hoping it's you I still choose as you are part of the big core of my life. It's you I am not willing to slipped away from nor to lose, am I selfish on wanting to be with you and face everything with you? I've been wondering why we're left just a small amount of time of getting to know each other and being together at the last year of college and why we only met at that period? Now, I'm fucking crying hard, I'm such a crybaby, how fucking embarrassing if you come this far.

I wish that's not idealistic to speak out that desire. Gaed, I'm constantly worrying where will I be in passed 25 or at 28 years old. Enough with this mind talking in which I have no friends to nudge or even you just for me to masturbate the emotions out of me until I get emotionally drained tonight.

"A snow field that nobody stepped on

A dream that you don't wanna wake up from

You came up to me like that so tender

Don't you ever disappear

The cheeks of a newborn baby

Got that feeling when you touch me

I know it's a butterfly on a flower

But that feeling is forever"

My newfounded indie jam to beat my emotional ass wipe self into! Thanks alot Nabi (Nevertheless). Wishing it's worth the risk of being stuck in mind-guessing games and long-awaited yearning of rare sparked connection.

Ciao.

January 28, 2021

Now, where do I begin.

I am actually keeping myself in the most lowkey possible as I can for almost a long time. Taste of adulthood, right? Little did I know, I love keeping up this way because I feel myself around a net of security. I am blissfully at peace with myself without having certain individuals trying to throw shades or such heresays about me.

Yes, i know I couldn't evade such simple moments where I will be accosted by people treading an inch on the surface of my personal life. From "Are you married?" to "What's your favorite color?" to digging gradually on the lowest and highest significant points of my entire existence. Little and big things that constitute of who I am.

For those who are kind of captivated by how mysterious I am and those who randomly come at this point. Will lay here the surface level and maybe save for the next time on what's beneath of the iceberg on getting to know me. Here goes.

Yes, I am still single. Very single. Still, enjoying my singlehood without hefty worries that'd plunge me down with grave depression. Oops, that's gone too far. But, I'm open for all options, except for married/widowed adult men (My apologies, sirs). I'll see how this comes to a stir and flow between us. I am a coffee lover and yes, I am used to drinking black coffee everyday without any sweeteners and cream. Not the typical Starbucks adapted beverages. I do workout, both cardio and mostly strength training, almost every single day (Big thanks to my partner - Protein shakes!). I love to cook for my family during weekends from long weekdays of work. Mostly, omelette and Western inspired style meals are what I cook. Blue will always be my favorite color. I'm a gamer ever since quite young. Skyrim is still undefeatedly my favorite and most played game. Mostly, I'm fond on video games with storylines , regardless the theme. I have a pet Khao Manee cat.

Japanese Ramen is my top-tier favorite while I could still enjoyably go vagabond in a variety of cuisines. I never ever drink liquor in my entire life mainly because of my bad childhood experience with beer and I don't find the taste and smell pleasant, also I am very health conscious and paranoid about my weird heart reactions. Like, REALLY PARANOID. I know my body and history and that's my choice. I only enjoy drinking wine and champagne occassionally with family. New Girl is my favorite sitcom I watch at Netflix. I love listening general indie music ever since I was 14 years old. I also sometimes listen to Lofi music as a company for my midnight readings. Currently, my favorite indie song still has to be Crush by Cigarettes After Sex.

As a silent indie music junkie collector, I'm gonna list just a few songs I mostly listen to currently that maybe would somehow manifest hints or ideas or the kind of vibes I imbued as a person.

1.) We Fell In Love In October by Girl In Red (Sara King's Dreamy Aesthetic Cover)

-> https://youtu.be/ZbWDpccTiGI

2.) Millions Little Reasons by Oscar Lang

-> https://youtu.be/yvlO8iSSHBs

3.) Listerine by Dayglow

-> https://youtu.be/ntn6q-ODULo

4.) Teenage Blue by Dreamgirl

-> https://youtu.be/rkI034qKG7o

5.) No. 1 Party Anthem by Arctic Monkeys

-> https://youtu.be/mGUjVbsYG6E

6.) Show Me How by Men I Trust

-> https://youtu.be/OZRYzH0Q0pU

7.) Girl by Sobs

-> https://youtu.be/IRjAbgh2hsg

8.) Swell by Lunar Vacation

-> https://youtu.be/sIje7x2Xeyg

9.) Sofia by Clairo

-> https://youtu.be/L9l8zCOwEII

10.) Heartbreak by bee

-> https://youtu.be/ehfG5fIyMag

Will put an end to this random running thought process.

Till next time on my occassional mood for writing down my thoughts.

July 25, 2020

Being 22 feels kinda strange yet reasonably rewarding in the bloom of my career. I am at the stage of my life where this age is the central pivot of living up between fortunes I received and struggles I find from feeling not enough yet. Being able to receive my first ever two credit cards and started my two insurance invesment policies. Pampered myself through solitary restaurant and coffee dates and leisurely jaunting across fancy shops with my own built wealth. Able to purchase and play the games now that I yearned for back in high school days. Allocated an extra fund worth 5,000 to roll and invest in one of the solid blue chip companies in stock trading. Recognized again as part of the top 10 performers in sales on a specific region against a hundred of others. 

It may sound preposterous to express on how I am still feeling this numb from the many graces I undeservingly received. Have not the slightest idea yet, but probably what dominantly counts about the inner other part within me is I’m deeply frustrated on wanting some more things to happen so hurriedly like enriching myself to a rocking odyssey on the other side of the world. Or meet and explore with people coming from diverse backgrounds that I can magically vibe with from the first sight of impression. It’s like I want to ride in a time machine and push straight forward to see where I’ll be by 29. 

But hey. I like this kind of feeling lost, despite the global critical situation we are in. It may appear atrocious to most people, those living so appalled with limited resources for daily survival and privileges for entering some places - eat outs and malls. For the few others, including me, we are accessible to our jobs with ensured security and privileges to provide our daily necessities. I do not have to worry too much about the faded chances to easily see with my close friends nor being a vagabond across business shops for bank marketing to hit specific digits on sales. Mainly, the very reason may actually be, my gratitude lies on the peace of mind I cultivated to live with and the low-maintainance on friendships that stay intact in my heart.

What boils down amidst the corporate pressure, the new faces daily encountered with the embrace of the unprecedentedly adjusted world, is that at the end of the day when I finally lay my head on a duvet. I still wonder bout you. My mind, as I closed my eyes, conjures your face in an indescribably fickling blur, as we are designated in a minimalist apartment. Just you talking and making such faces that had me staring at you all enamored deeply. By our vis-a-vis interaction with your gibberish, muffled ramblings, evoking the laughs, rants and telltales we’ve shared from our special memorable dates that started in post-camping intervention during college days. 

Mostly. Always. I think about you, regardless on how much we do not talk. Despite, the very fact, I no longer have the strong desire of wanting you around in a desperate way as if I’m clinging on you as my emotional anchor. We’re both very busy on the paths we’re now in - career and studies. It’s weird, isn’t it? I still want you. Be with you. You know for long-term purposes. If ever one of the major aspects in life that teenagers mostly obsess over and fathom it all wrong, would eventually fall apart again that would have me sulk myself into a closed shell. Denigrating myself as mental infliction.

I don’t want to hurt myself in the process by hoping or forcing to ‘be’ with you. It is apparent that you have a lot of growing to go. Still, I’m considering you although it feels like a crime for the majority of traditionally-minded. I’ll wait for you by not merely waiting but by driving myself into ambiguously new spirals life will bring me to, challenging myself to resist you. The worth of choosing so leaves out the question. When? I do not want to lose you in my life. I don’t want us to lose each other wherever we are. Quite mortified to unveil that I still love you, without that sparkling obsessive falling head over heels. Feels liberating because of our principles and values. Just know, I still chose you.

April 19, 2020

               In this quarantine crisis, it doesn’t feel like some sort of an incarceration for me. Maybe for some people who have extroverted energies, probably they’ll suffer with boredom and loneliness. Not their counterparts like the ambivert me. I’ve been feeling weary and exhausted since I began by my almost 7 months of duty in a bank. Although it was fun and productive and all, I still feel the need to shut myself out from the world and rest to charge up and be with myself again. Never have I thought this alarming circumstance would ever come, but I perceive this enhanced community quarantine (ECQ) as both a blessing and a curse. This implementation yields positive changes to our nature.

Imma just gonna drop five random anecdotes from my 22 years of life experience. Just to see, to wonder about these experiences and soak myself to a spiral of thoughts, living up with angst. Besides that, I guess I needed to relax myself by writing down my thoughts. It’s mentally accommodating to declutter what’s bothering me – laziness. Here it goes:

 Grade Three

There’s this classmate of mine who’s really pretty and haughty. The type of girl who would pick out fights for fun and look down on others. Our relationship was slightly complicated because there were times that we’re friends and other times as enemies. However, what underlies our relationship was our subtle mutual crush to each other. I feigned that I’m truly disgusted by her just to conform gender roles right after the moment she confessed to me by stealing my assignment notebook and wrote on one of the pages that she fancied me before she distributed it to me. It was innocent and adorable.

 Basketball

Gosh, way back in Grade 5, I really miss the times in going to stores with my friends to have an early snack time before attending our first classes. Buying coke and junkies, sharing good laughs over the silliest stuff and oh, I would not forget drinking Cobra. Felt I was such a good girl gone wild type of rebel till our stomachs got troubled. One time, my long-time ex best friend who became popular in the long run throughout school years, joined with us. She was wearing a pink dress and I think we had a special school event at that time. After we done snacking there, we went straight up to the basketball court and took advantage of the whole empty space to play basketball before the guards would catch us. While we’re playing, my tomboy friend couldn’t stop laughing at my ex best friend’s armpits all sweating. It was obvious by just the look on the wet strain on her dress beneath her arms. It evokes such nostalgic elation from this childhood moment.

 Post-

Back in 4th year college, while I was slowly transitioning into my better self after my last toxic relationship, one of my ex-boyfriend’s classmates who has liked me ever since first year college, incessantly comforted me throughout the darkest days of mine when the wound I got from the relationship was fresh. Let’s call him in a pseudo name, Polo. I knew deep down that Polo was befriending me back again, but this time he became much more confident than the last time we interacted during the same classes we took in the beginning of college. While I was on my hectic schedule, sometimes he would hit me up to accompany me for instances, bring me to go lunch with him and his friends, join in library with me and study together, out to malls. He was all sweet and all but I couldn’t feel yet to reciprocate his feelings, although I did kinda liked him before but it’s a frivolous feeling. Now, post-college, I got a job in a bank and coincidentally, sometimes he would visit in the same bank where I was assigned for work for his personal transactions. Everytime he’s there I was kind of reluctant to start a conversation with him due to either sticking to my banking errands or just simply wanting to get noticed by him. Of course, he's surprised when he found out that I was working there. For every post-bank visits, he’d randomly hit me up in Facebook Messenger about seeing me and how he couldn’t muster up the courage to approach and talk to me simply because he saw how busy I was or he was plain timid. We chatted for awhile and he mentioned he will be working in Dubai for awhile. Currently, he is. Do you think he could possibly be one of the future candidates as my lifetime partner? We will never know!

 Library Crush

Library is like the university’s haven for the most chilled and introverted people like me. Playing games, sleeping anywhere, making thesis, doing studies, all these unforgettable moments my college self had embraced. There was this girl who mostly stayed here by just hanging out with her geeky, jovial Finance clique. I was kinda surprised that she shifted to the same course as me. She has black short hair, almond shaped eyes, skin’s brown as Latina, stands somewhere between 5′2 to 5′3 and a healthily slim body. She was the apple of my eye. Sometimes I would get butterflies from my stomach all churned up when I caught her looking at me from a distance across the library. It’s as if we shared long distant glances of gaze to keep up the inner thrill. Certainly, it was not a sexual attraction like I want to fuck her kind of way. It’s a kind of attraction like hey, there’s a pretty girl kept looking at me and I was so flattered by that kind of way.  I never got the chance to talk with her during Finance classes because we never ever went to the same classes. I have no idea how I find her pretty by her mediocre appearance until I remembered that she performed an intro dance presentation along with the other Finance talents during the Finance party in third year college. She was so amazing that she’s the one who stood out the most. Then I learned that she was one of the officers in the international youth club that I joined in back in fourth year college. My attraction towards her vanished in a snap the moment she spoke with us in a group activity. It totally turned me off watching her having difficulty in speaking English. I was disappointed.

 Breaking Dawn

During the era of Twilight film series, I began to fall in love upon discovering the music genre indie when the final song was played out in last scene of Breaking Dawn Part 2 before the credits rolled in. I earnestly searched for that song with the few highlighted lines I memorized from the first time I heard it. It was called Speak Up by The Morning Benders, currently hailed as POP ETC. I felt I found my new comfort that truly speaks to me with the esoteric style of music. POP ETC, The 1975, Foster the People, Cults, Grizzly Bear, these bands have reigned my mind. Modernizing the old classics so innovatively, never been unimpressed. Today, I still listen to this type of music ever since I was 14 years old.