#kisakkun

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“Burning the midnight oil, huh, boss?”

Flexing his hand, Kisaki popped the joints of his fingers, dropping his pen onto the table in the process.  He had been almost done with reviewing this report, and yet, he had been disturbed.  He would have to refocus his mind to begin grinding away again, rereading the last few pages of what he had already gone over just to make sure it all made sense before passing it on to the client.  

Looking up at the man who had disturbed him, Kisaki narrowed his eyes, scowling, as he picked up his pen again.  He was sure he had locked his office doors before setting down to work on this damn thing, but locks meant nothing to his dear business partner.  Looks like he’d have to get the whole office rekeyed to prevent things like this happening so quickly in the future.

Again.

“Go home, Hanma.” Kisaki’s voice was terse, his frustration and exhaustion apparent.  All he wanted to do was finish this damn thing so he could go home. The whole office knew that, and had been given permission to sign out for the day without checking in with him first.  

Hanma just assumed he had special responsibilities or clearances that allowed him to do whatever the hell he wanted. Which wasn’t entirely untrue.  Kisaki just wished Hanma would listen once when he corrected him.  

Hanma waved him off, churlish grin that exposed his teeth plastered across his face.  He settled himself in the plush chair across from Kisaki’s desk, leaning back with his legs crossed, making himself so comfortable to bother Kisaki for the next few minutes.

“Come on, Tetta. Don’t be like that.  Let’s go get some drinks, you can finish that tomorrow.”

“No.” Kisaki returned his gaze towards his paperwork, flipping back to the page he needed to review for a second time, turning his head in  a way that let Hanma know he was no longer being listened to.  As if Kisaki put much stock in his words before.

“You’re so boring,” Hanma whined, his head lolling back as he pouted.  “I swear, you need to get yourself laid.  Learn to live a little. You can’t be a work-a-holic and actually enjoy life.”

Kisaki’s brows furrowed in frustration, not appreciating such language in his office.  

“We are not the same,” Kisaki stated, underlining each word he read with the tip of his pen.  “Not all of us need to gather some grand satisfaction from life by sleeping around with anyone who will open his legs.”

“No need to be so bitter, Tetta. We can find you something cute. Didn’t you like that blonde from a few months ago?” Hanma teased, his voice grinding on Kisaki’s ears as he tried to focus.

“No.” Kisaki looked up, angry frown pulling his lips into a downward arch.  Hanma continued to grin at him, grinding his gears until there was barely any friction left to stop them from spinning out of control. “He was annoying and whiny.  Truly only good for one thing.”

Kisaki rolled his eyes as Hanma laughed, fully amused by Kisaki’s sporadic and tragically eventful failures at love. Kisaki isn’t sure why he agreed to dates that were set up by Hanma when he knew that the only kind of men Hanma surrounded himself with were shallow, airheaded, and absolutely and completely vapid.  

But as he said.

“Only good for one thing, huh?” Hanma chuckled, wiping a fake tear from beneath his glasses.  “Well, Tetta, what are you looking for then? I’m sure I can find someone a bit more suited to your standards.”

Kisaki shook his head, diverting his gaze from Hanma again.  The words on his document started to swim, no longer making any type of coherent sense.  He sighed, placing the pen on his desk and closing the report, face covered with his hands, and fingers rubbing at his sore eyelids.  

“Lets start with hair color…blonde doesn’t seem to be it.  Black maybe? Brown?”  Hanma counted off on his fingers, as if listing off colors was the same as addition.  “Oh, I know. Red?”

Kisaki sighed, feeling the back of his neck begging to burn at the pointied, specific question.

“No.”

An answer so definitive, Hanma almost believed him.

“No?” 

“No. Now go home.  I’m leaving.”

Pushing away his rolling desk chair, Kisaki strode to the back of his office where his coat hung on a hook, hiding his keys within the pockets.  He heard Hanma start to rouse behind him, following him, not speaking another word until they had both donned their coats, and were alone in the elevator down to the parking garage.  The office was empty, everyone having already left from their jobs for the evening.  Kisaki looked around, observed the dark interior of their office, before arming the security system and stepping into the elevator.  

Hanma pressed the button to go downstairs, swiping a keycard to get the thing moving. Kisaki could practically feel the question burning inside of Hanma, so he did not even look at him, in a hope to avoid engagement.  But that was much too simple of a diversion tactic to work on someone like Hanma.

“I bet I could find him for you again, you know. Your pretty little boyfriend.”

Feeling the hairs stand on the back of his neck, Kisaki grimaced, observing his own deformed reflection in the metallic walls of the elevator.  He inhaled deeply through his nose, letting his lungs fill with air until the buttons of his shirt felt too tight, before exhaling, all of the breath in his body hissing out between his teeth as he tried to show as little response as possible.

“Do you always have to bring that up?” 

Hanma laughed at his discomfort, knowing how much Kisaki hated to think about that. 

The elevator door pinged, opening up to the parking garage.  Kisaki hit the lock button on his keys, the horn honking twice as he approached his car, Hanma still following him too closely for his comfort.

“Hey, boss, I’m just here to make sure you get everything you want out of life, right?” Hanma leaned on the trunk of his car, not even caring any longer that Kisaki was not responding to him. “Whatever you want, so your perfect little reputation doesn’t get tarnished. Loose men, drugs, alcohol. Little redheads named, Atsumu…”

“Atsushi.” Kisaki responded curtly, his teeth grinding together as he opened the driver’s door. Hanma stepped away as he sat down and turned the vehicle on, the revving engine echoing in the cement of the parking garage.

Hanma held his hands up in surrender as Kisaki slammed the door, his last words slipping through before the radio and engine drowned him out.  “Right right, I knew you would remember, Tetta.”

Speeding out of the garage, only slightly careful to not commit manslaughter this evening by not running over Hanma, Kisaki headed towards home.  . Even if every fiber of his being told him to floor it when Hanma walked in front of his car to reach his own. He switched the radio station that he had been listening to on his way to work off, old men blathering about the economy and politics not really doing it for him as he tried to silence his mind.  

But that was impossible.  

He drowned himself in work for a reason.  

It was the only way to forget.

But even then, Hanma seemed dead set on getting under his skin. Reminding Kisaki of him at every chance he could. 

It was almost as if Hanma knew something he did not. His wicked, evil grins let Kisaki know that he had a secret, one he would share… if only Kisaki asked.

But Kisaki would never ask.

He didn’t want to know.  He was fine.  He was fine just like this.

Skidding to a stop in his designated parking place, Kisaki undid his seatbelt before taking a deep breath, clearing his lungs of the negativity that was threatening to overcome his mind yet again.  Deep breathing, just like his secretary had instructed him to do when he was being a bit too “high strung” in the office.  She said it helped him, and he was able to be a bit “nicer” to the employees.  

Sometimes Kisaki just wondered if high strung was just another term for “I don’t do my job well enough so my boss gets mad at me, so I want to blame it on him instead.” At least, that was partially true.  He wouldn’t be so tense at work if people just did what they were supposed to.

But, the deep breathing thing worked. At least part of the time. It helped calm himself down when the bad thoughts were knocking.  At least…part of the time.

But not this time.  There was just something about Hanma’s pestering that had gotten under his skin that night.  Maybe it was because he was already exhausted and tense from reviewing the report that he had left half done, sitting on his desk. That itself would be a thorn in his side all evening as he fretted over it not being complete….

That small task didn’t even measure up to the mountain of stress Hanma had dumped on his plate by bringing him up again, though. 

Him.

Atsushi.

The one who still invaded his dreams at night even though the mere mention of him made Kisaki’s skin crawl.  

Entering his apartment, Kisaki observed the quiet, dark room that spread out before him.  Lavish. Plush. Everything that he had worked so hard for.  

But…for what purpose?

A giant flat screen TV that he barely used.  A fluffy, comfy sofa that sat five but only ever held him.  He never brought his “dates” back to his own house to protect himself and his privacy from the low life moochers Hanma liked to drop on his doorstep.  A professional kitchen that only saw a lick of use because Kisaki barely ate at home, and when he did, it was a premade muffin or pastry from the bakery near his office with his morning coffee.  

All useless.  All for him.  

What a waste of a life.

Loosening his tie, Kisaki stepped out of his shoes, striding off to his home office, right to the liquor cabinet that sat parallel to his desk.  A few cubes of ice from the fridge, and a generous pour of scotch, and Kisaki found himself reclining on the couch built for more than him, eyes closed, face heavy with disappointment and regret.  

Sometimes, he wonders in highsight if this was really all worth it.  

But then he mentally slaps himself for even asking such a thing because yes.  This was exactly what he wanted.

By all measures, he was a success.  He owned his own company.  He had enough money to keep him alive until he was old and rotten and gray.  He had cars,  and people coming to his side when he merely snapped. 

This…this was exactly what he wanted.  It was exactly what he had asked for.  

Yet it felt so empty.  

Tonight, it felt emptier than normal, because Hanma had just sent his mind into a spiral once again. 

Atsushi. Kisaki thought about him more than he should.  

It had been a while since he saw him in person.  Ten years? Maybe. At least getting close to it. Atsushi would be turning 29 soon, if the calendar on the wall was anything to go by.  Maybe Atsushi’s birthday had already passed, and he had forgotten to change the calendar from November to December. Maybe it was creeping up on his own birthday.

Too bad the one thing he wanted was out of his reach.

Kisaki sighed, reveling in the sound of the lack of anything, the faint ticking of his own watch pairing with the sound of ice on glass as he worked through his drink.  He wondered, in the way one wonders when they want to mentally scar themselves further, what Atsushi might be doing on a night like tonight.

Once, a year after he had graduated from graduate school and established his own company, Kisaki had found himself in the woes of another Hanma related relationship.  All of the boys Hanma kept trying to set him up with just…didn’t fit, and didn’t feel right.  And each one felt more empty and hollow than the last.  

That’s when Hanma said it for the first time.  

“What about Atsushi?”

“What about him?”Kisaki had asked, his tone cruel and mean and nothing like Atsushi actually deserved.  Kisaki had just done his best to avoid thinking about him. He had done his best to avoid missing him.  

After all, Atsushi had broken his heart. Kisaki still did not understand why.  What could he have done so wrong that necessitated Atsushi treating him the way he did towards the end?  How could Atsushi leave him in the dark for so long?

Maybe he could have done something to fix whatever it was that  was wrong.

Maybe…Atsushi thought that whatever was wrong couldn’t be fixed.

Kisaki still remembered the day that Atsushi told him he was returning to Tokyo. He had been upset, yes, but he hadn’t realized that this was Atsushi’s way of ending things with him.  He just assumed Atsushi was homesick…or that he missed his friends. Not that he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him anymore.  

It was around his birthday that it finally sunk in that things might actually be over with Atsushi.  His grades suffered at the beginning of that semester as he mulled over their entire relationship, wondering when things had changed.  He couldn’t focus on anything besides losing Atsushi, and everything began to break down around him.  

Atsushi…his first relationship.  His first love.  He had a hard time wrapping his head around that then, and he knows it must have disappointed Atsushi when he didn’t return the sentiment verbally when they were together.  But hindsight…well, everyone knows what they say about that.  He didn’t understand how deep his feelings for Atsushi ran until he lost him.

Atsushi was also always so comfortable with himself.  He was the reason that Kisaki realized he may be interested in other men as opposed to women… and the reason he could never find himself satisfied when he went on dates with women after him.  Kisaki had gone on a date or two in college with a couple of female classmates, but Kisaki always found himself comparing them to Atsushi.

He was more attractive. He had nicer hair and a nicer smile.  His jokes were funnier, and he wasn’t as shy and timid.

Kisaki missed him, so he ultimately decided that…things weren’t right for them then.  

So he spent the next few years of his life focusing on making that fact change.  He got his first degree. And then his second.  He opened up his own company and made it powerful.  He built a life that could provide Atsushi with everything he wanted, even starting his business in their home city of Tokyo so that Atsushi would always be close to his friends and family.

And yet…when Kisaki finally felt confident enough to reach out to him… He discovered it was much too late.  Social media tells a person’s life in pictures, and Atsushi’s social media was unlocked and available for him to see.

He wasn’t single. And he was happy.

Kisaki had stared at the pictures for hours, trying to wrap his head around what he saw.  

It didn’t last forever though, but by the time Atsushi and his boyfriend broke up, Kisaki’s confidence had waned, and he realized.

He still wasn’t what Atsushi wanted.

The man in the pictures was taller and broader and more handsome than him.  He made Atsushi smile so brightly. He had done things for Atsushi that Kisaki was never able to…he was sure… and Kisaki stopped looking.

He did not go to view Atsushi’s social media any longer, but it couldn’t get his brain to stop thinking.

Just like tonight.

Kisaki finished his drink, sitting it on the ground beside him.  Removing his glasses, he covered his eyes with his arm.  

Where was Atsushi?

What was he doing?

Was he happy?

Kisaki wanted to know. But he didn’t know how to find the answer.

Rolling now onto his side, Kisaki pillowed his head against his arm, allowing sleep to take him on the couch.  

He just wanted to be numb to it all. 

To go through the rest of his life without worrying about anything. Not Atsushi. Not relationships.

He would go to work, come home, and repeat until he died. 

The numbness made getting up to go to work in the morning easy, even if his bones ached and his head hurt from sleeping on the couch.  He woke up early, probably due to the discomfort, and arrived to work early, finishing the report before Hanma or his secretary even arrived.  By 10 am, he had finished everything he needed to do by 1 pm, and Hanma insisted he take a break before the gears inside of his brain broke.

“Get some coffee. This place is far enough away that you can take a nice little drive and by the time you get back, you’ll be feeling refreshed!” Hanma pressed a gift card into his hand for an unclear amount, but Kisaki shrugged, pulling his winter coat over his suit. It wasn’t a bad idea, but he wouldn’t admit that to Hanma.  

Driving through the city at this hour wasn’t terrible, though the drive took him into a more quiet and residential area of the city than he was used to perusing.  Kisaki wondered what took Hanma to this part of town often enough that he would enjoy the place so much that he would actually buy Kisaki a gift card from there.

Kisaki dismissed the thought, finding a place down the street to park.  It was a quiet part of town. Businesses and cars lined the street, though very few people seemed to actually be around.  It was a bit more lively, and much more warm inside the cafe, with the polite chatter of the clients merging with the piano music playing over the speakers creating a pleasant din. It was calm. Peaceful. 

Perusing the menu, Kisaki quickly made a decision so other clientele could order. The clerk handed him the pastry he ordered, and Kisaki stepped to the side, checking his phone for any missed messages from the office while he waited for his drink.  A pair of people stepped up to the counter behind him, and Kisaki almost dropped his phone, swearing he had just seen a ghost.

Standing in the waiting area, croissant slipped into the pocket of his winter coat, Kisaki’s breath caught in his throat.  He paused in the process of putting on his gloves once more, and he wondered if smoke was coming out of his brain as it tried to process what he was seeing.

Atsushi. There, at the counter.  A soft smile on his face as he conversed with the barista, his face so joyful and happy as he laughed at whatever the barista had just said to him.  He paid for his order in cash, laughing again as the barista said that she didn’t need his name. She knew who he was.

Atsushi’s cheeks were flushed pink from the cold, and he greeted the baker behind the counter with a wave while he stuffed his change back into his wallet.  He didn’t notice Kisaki there at first, standing against the wall near one of the taller tables, preferring to converse with the young woman at his side while they waited.  

Kisaki couldn’t help but notice how good he looked….Older surely, but he knew he did too.  But still young and beautiful and vibrant, exactly like Tetta remembered him.  His hair he styled into a loose pompadour, a style that always suited Atsushi, but Kisaki knew he didn’t appreciate it at the time.  He was also a bit taller…just slightly, and his shoulders had filled out in a way that let Kisaki know that this was not the same old boy he knew back then.

No, Atsushi had grown into a handsome young man. One that still took Kisaki’s breath away, and made him feel like an absolutely weak and powerless fool.

Kisaki dipped his head down, considering just leaving without the coffee, before his name was called and the world stopped spinning for a moment.  Kisaki looked up, knowing that he had finally been noticed. Atsushi stood there, mouth agape in shock and surprise, the normal bright and beautiful look on his face replaced with something akin to confusion, but only a few steps away from disgust.

Kisaki steadied his shoulders as he walked forward, awkwardly accepting the coffee from the clerk, before turning away to attempt to make his escape. He hoped…prayed, even if he didn’t believe in god and found the whole notion of praying and everything that came with it quite a scam… that Atsushi wouldn’t knock out of his shock quickly enough to say anything to him.

But of course, neither of them were that lucky.  Atsushi recovered, and stopped him with an arm to his bicep, his fingers digging into the fabric of his outer coat so tightly that Kisaki could not move forward without risking spilling his drink.  

And dammit, if this drink ruined his day, he wanted to at least enjoy it.

“Tetta-, sorry. Kisaki. Hi.”  Atsushi sounded out of breath, even though he only had to rush from one side of a ten foot wide waiting area to the other to catch him. But even so, his voice was such an unfamiliar gift, that Kisaki wanted to close his eyes and revel in the sound of something he hadn’t heard in years.

“Atsushi…hi.”  Kisaki could actually kick himself if his legs were a bit longer.  Hi? After all this time, all he could think of to say was “hi?” It wasn’t as if he hadn’t replayed this exact scenario in his mind a million times, wondering what it would be like if Atsushi ever returned to him.  He had such a large stock of what he would say…what he would do… And all he could manage was a damn “hi.”

“How are you?” Atsushi smiled, his voice soft, as if he were trying to keep those near them from hearing, and sad. Which didn’t make any sense to Kisaki. “You really look like you’re doing well. Like the suit.”

“Just heading back to the office, actually.” Kisaki faked looking at his watch, the glimpse he got of the clock face when he turned his arm up barely enough to register that there was a watch, much less read the time.  “They’ll be expecting me back soon…meetings and all.”

“Oh, okay of course. Big business man, just like we planned.” Atsushi’s smile turned into a grimace, holding back more feelings that leaked out of his eyes.  Frustration and disappointment namely.   “Well, I guess -”

“Hey, Sendo! Got our drinks!”  The young woman from earlier approached them, handing Atsushi a cup, before turning to Kisaki and blushing, realizing she had interrupted…something.

“Thanks…Can you give me a moment? I’m almost done.”  

The woman nodded, thankful to be excused from the situation, and shuffled over to stand near the front door of the cafe with her drink.  Atsushi turned back to Kisaki, an apologetic look on his face.

“Sorry…she’s one of my new stylists.  I thought I’d treat her to celebrate her first month at the salon.”

“So you finally made it…” Kisaki mused, gloved fingers holding tightly to the cup of coffee as he looked Atsushi up and down. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks….I guess we both got what we wanted in the end, huh?”  Atsushi smiled before taking a step back, moving out of Kisaki’s range, and out of Kisaki’s life once again.  “It was nice to see you, Kisaki.  Maybe I’ll see you around some time.”

Kisaki nodded, letting Atsushi go, along with his chance at apologizing for whatever he had done all those years ago that made Atsushi leave.  But it was so hard to say, when he looked so uncomfortably tense…. His shoulders tightening and voice strained while talking with Kisaki.  When he returned to his employee…he returned to the Atsushi Kisaki remembered.  The one he missed.

Loose, carefree and beautiful.  How he wanted that back.

“Atsushi -” The name tumbled from his lips before he could stop himself.  Kisaki panicked, wondering what he would say.  Maybe ask for his number, or if they could go out to dinner, or…if Atsushi missed him too.

Atsushi paused, turning back towards him as his employee headed outside.  He held his drink close to his body with both hands, guarded, before nodding at Kisaki to continue.

“I….It…It was nice to see you too.”

Atsushi smiled in acceptance, raising a hand slightly as a parting greeting before stepping outside and walking away. Down the street, back to his hair salon.  

Kisaki cursed himself, following the same path, but turning the opposite direction when he arrived outside so he could get back in his car, warm air blasting his face as he closed his eyes.  Frustration washed through him, and he smacked the steering wheel with his open palm, hissing at the sting of his skin hitting something hard.  

Atsushi was there…and he was perfect.  He was everything Kisaki remembered, but time had passed, so of course Atsushi couldn’t be his.  Not so easily. And not with so little effort.  

But he wanted him. And he wasn’t used to not getting the things that he wanted.  

Inhaling deeply through his nose, Kisaki tried to reason with himself.  

This Atsushi wasn’t his Atsushi. He wasn’t the same person he was when they had stopped seeing each other in college. He’s grown, and had life experiences that Kisaki can’t even fathom.  He….had everything.  He looked happy. Genuinely happy and not faked and full of lies like Kisaki’s own happiness.

He couldn’t ruin that.  He didn’t want to ruin that.

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In the blink of an eye, the summer heat shifted to the cool, crisp breezes of Autumn.  Summer flowers gave way to the oranges and reds of the fall, and those colors never felt more appropriate, for Atsushi never felt warmer.  

Weeks passed, and though Tetta had warned him that he wouldn’t be able to see him again for a while, Atsushi still found himself by Tetta’s side every Saturday afternoon.  Sometimes, they spent their time finishing up the homework for the week, Atsushi more motivated than ever to actually get good grades for once in his life. Tetta was as motivated as he had always been to graduate at the top of his class, knowing he had been accepted into a number of universities and was only going to be continuing after graduation.  

Other days, rather, most days that they were able to be together, Tetta treated him to more dates, agreeing to whatever Atsushi suggested.  A trip to a museum where Tetta got to share his boundless knowledge learned from books and documentaries and general curiosity.  A date at a theme park, where Atsushi rubbed Tetta’s back for five minutes, easing away the nausea after Tetta agreed to go on a single roller coaster with him.

A number of afternoons at the movies, until they had watched all the movies that were currently out. They had even seen the ones that they didn’t nearly necessarily want to watch, just so they could sit together in the dark, hands clasped together tightly on a shared armrest as they passed a box of candy back and forth between them. Tetta never wanted to share, and always insisted on Atsushi having the whole box, but Atsushi was able to convince him otherwise when he kissed him for the first time during the opening credits of a movie Tetta had been dying to see.  Tetta shared later that night, over text because the words were too embarrassing to say out loud, that his lips tasted like red skittles, so Tetta could no longer say no when Atsushi pressed the box of candy into his hand, insisting that he take a few.

Atsushi only kissed him when he was sure no one was looking, or when they were taking a snack break while doing homework on his bedroom floor, but Atsushi’s favorite time to kiss Tetta was as they were saying goodbye, because it always made him linger for ten minutes more before he scrunched up his nose and complained that he was going to be in trouble for missing his curfew.  

It was early October when he decided, spinning around in circles in the desk chair in Takemichi’s bedroom one day after school.  Hinata and Takemichi were working hard at finishing a math assignment Atsushi had already completed with Tetta over the weekend, and even though Atsushi knew all of his answers were correct thanks to his friend’s careful tutoring, Hinata refused to let Takemichi copy from him, because it wouldn’t be “realistic” to the teacher when they both turned in an assignment with no mistakes.  

“I’m going to ask Tetta to be my boyfriend.”

Pausing in their work, Hinata and Takemichi turned towards him. Atsushi already knew of his friend’s hesitations with him seeing a guy like Tetta, but, Hinata’s opinion he hadn’t heard yet.  Hinata was the only other friend Atsushi knew Tetta to have, as she was the only one he ever mentioned anything about.  And in a way, she was the one who introduced them, even unintentionally, so Atsushi was kind of curious about what her thoughts would be.

“Oh…really?” Takemichi’s response was about what Atsushi expected.  Not very enthused, but not as blatant in his dislike of the situation as the other guys.  Tetta’s general demeanor just rubbed his friends the wrong way, even if Tetta hadn’t done anything specific to cause their dislike of him.  He was just…very reserved. Maybe a little snarky and judgemental.  He had managed to open up a bit more with them, and had spent a few afternoons with them now.  But even with the added exposure, their opinions of Tetta had not changed, and they could not see what Atsushi saw.  “I mean, I guess you’re really serious about him, huh?”

Nodding his head, Atsushi swayed from side to side in the chair.  “I really do like him alot.  I get he’s not your favorite person, but…I don’t know. I like him.”

The look on Takemichi’s face let Atsushi know that his friend thought he was crazy, but Hinata interrupted their stare-off with a clap of her hands.

“Well I think it's a great idea.  Tetta’s had so much fun with you…and I know he likes you alot too.”

“So, you think he’ll say yes?”

“If he doesn’t say yes, I’ll kick his butt.” Holding up a fist, Hinata gave Atsushi her sweetest, most menacing smile.  “But like I said, he likes you. You’re like, the only thing he talks about besides college.”

Hearing that from Tetta’s closest friend made Atsushi’s heart feel warm, finally receiving some confirmation that Tetta was as invested in this as he was. Atsushi had gotten used to it by now, but, Tetta had always been a bit more reserved in his displays of affection than Atsushi, and Atsushi knew that was due to many different factors. One, simply being the differences in their personality.  Tetta would always be more introverted than he, and would always prefer to keep their relationship quieter than Atsushi would have liked. But also, while Atsushi had spent at least the last few years learning to accept his sexuality, Tetta had finally disclosed after one of their dates that he had never anticipated being in a relationship with another boy.  

This was partially due to Tetta’s unrequited crush on his best friend, which Atsushi understood all too well, but also the reasons that Tetta never liked to talk about beyond  a few sentences in passing.  The reasons Atsushi could only sympathize with, but never fully understand, as he had always been close with his own mother.  His mother had known Atsushi was developing feelings for Tetta before he did himself simply because of the way he talked about him.

Atsushi had been a bit disappointed when Tetta had shared that his parents didn’t even know Atsushi’s name.  That he was just “a friend”, and maybe even lie about a “friend from school”, if his parents pushed him for more information about where he was going.  

Even if Tetta said yes to his request to become official, Atsushi knew that the story Tetta shared with his parents wouldn’t change.  He would still be “just a friend” in their brief, details not-specific conversations.

So while Tetta rarely made the first move, due to his own hang ups and apprehensions, he always responded when Atsushi made the first move.  He squeezed Atsushi’s hand tightly, and leaned into their hugs, and swelled with pride and satisfaction when Atsushi rested his head against his shoulder as they sat together after finishing their homework.  He let Atsushi pluck his glasses from his nose when they were alone, and kissed him back with all of the precision that inexperience allowed, concentration etched onto his forehead as Atsushi tried not to laugh against his mouth.  

“Good luck, Akkun. I know he’ll say yes. When do you think you’ll ask him?”

“Maybe this weekend… if everything goes well.” 

“Ooooh, I’m so excited for you two! You’ll have to call me and tell me how it went, because of course Tetta won’t, stubborn jerk.”

Atsushi laughed, turning his attention towards his phone as he felt it buzz in his hand.  Tetta, of course, letting him know he was done with his homework for the day, so they could talk more freely now, as Tetta remained ever studious from the moment school started until his homework was complete at the end of the day.  Snapping a picture of himself with their two best friends in the background, back to bickering over how to solve one of the math problems, Atsushi let him know he was absolutely free.  

His attention was all Tetta’s, and if he wanted to call before his father returned home from work, Atsushi would make his way home, so they could talk on the way.  As soon as Tetta responded, Atsushi hopped out of his seat, bidding his friends goodbye with a hasty “gotta go!” 

Tetta was already answering his phone by the time Atsushi closed the front door of Takemichi’s house behind himself.  If Takemichi wished him a goodbye, Atsushi isn’t sure if he heard it, mind so clouded over and focused on young love.  A sensation he had yet to experience, and Atsushi was ecstatic things were going as well as they are, because he knows not everyone gets so lucky on their first go around.  

He was sure his friends would come around eventually, even as they voiced their displeasure at the news that Tetta had agreed to be his boyfriend.  

“Give him a chance. For me?” Was Atsushi’s only request, happy enough that Takemichi finally stood on his side, letting the boys know that Hinata had vouched for him, and that he was probably a good guy, even under his prickly demeanor.  

Atsushi grinned to himself as he recalled the afternoon when he asked Tetta to be his boyfriend, officially.  Tetta’s response had been so adorably genuine, as Atsushi had to resist pulling him into a hug right then and there, because he knew he wouldn’t want to let go after a socially appropriate length for a hug.

“Are we…not already?”  Tetta had questioned, cocking his head to one side in subtle confusion.  Atsushi raised an eyebrow in response, questioning what Tetta meant.  “Well, you yourself have said we’re dating. So does that not mean the same thing?”

“It does, sometimes.  But someone still has to ask to be officially boyfriends.”  Atsushi grabbed Tetta’s hand, giving it a quick squeeze as he still appeared confused.  “Like, you can be dating, but not be boyfriends? I’m asking because I don’t want to date anyone else besides you.”

“Have you been dating other people besides me?” Tetta’s lips contorted into a sharp frown, and he almost pulled his hand away, but Atsushi refused to let him go.

“Absolutely not.”  Shaking his head fervently, Atsushi tried to clarify what he meant.  “I’ve only been going out with you.  I just…wanted to ask, so you know I’m serious. So we can be serious.”

“Just kidding.”  Tetta’s expression softened as he teased, a hint of a mocking smile crossing his face.  “I know what you meant.”

“So mean,” Atsushi pouted, turning his face away as he tried to slow the panic that had started to creep up as he worried that he had misspoken and hurt Tetta’s feelings.

“I accept though. Look at me.” Tugging on Atsushi’s hand, Tetta gathered his attention again, one of Atsushi’s favorite smiles gracing his new boyfriend’s features. “We can be boyfriends, just remember…”

“I know. Hush hush.” A bittersweet reminder that it would take Tetta a while to be fully open with himself, Atsushi mimed locking his lips and throwing away the key. “I’m going to tell my friends though.”

Tetta clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes as he agreed. “That’s fine. I wouldn’t have expected you not to do at least that.”

Unable to resist any longer, Atsushi wrapped himself around Tetta, pulling him close as Tetta’s arms wrapped around his waist, his small hands resting softly against the lower part of his back.  Atsushi kissed his cheek, enjoying the way Tetta’s ears turned red under his fake tan, and whispered a quiet “thank you” into his ear, that Tetta questioned, even if it didn’t need to be explained. 

“Thank you for what?”

“For everything, you know?”

For everything that they had shared over the summer months, as they learned about how each other ticked and their preferences and likes. For the summer days spent together when no one else was around, when they first learned that it was okay for them to be together like this, as their hearts pounded against their ribs and the words didn’t come out quite right and they first connected their mutual feelings in the jellyfish room of the aquarium.

For everything they had shared in the fall. From the dates to the study sessions turned tutoring. For the secret smiles and inside jokes and moments that he couldn’t possibly explain to anyone else because how could they possibly understand that it was Tetta who made him feel like he was soaring and falling all at the same time.  For the moments in between where they grounded each other, and managed to defeat the awkwardness that plagued first relationships as they grasped at each other with inexperienced hands and hearts and tried to make sense of something that was so excitingly confusing. 

For the months that followed, as they continued to explore each other further, and learned what Atsushi’s request to be boyfriends really meant.  

Nothing really changed regarding their feelings for each other in that moment, but the way they responded to those feelings did.  Tetta forced himself to find more time to relax in Atsushi’s room, even if they sat there working on homework on a Tuesday night, no words passing between them if it didn’t have to do with their assignments. 

Atsushi felt as if he was guiding them, helping them keep pace as they moved through the newness of a relationship, always moving forward.  Tetta was more tentative, and more than comfortable to follow Atsushi’s lead, excited to experience new things together as well, but always unsure of how to ask for them and obtain them.  Atsushi always watched Tetta closely, to make sure he wasn’t crossing uncomfortable boundaries, but while Tetta’s face often scrunched up in a frustrated concentration, he never objected, and never pushed Atsushi away. 

Tetta was nervous when he finally met Atsushi’s mother, hands shaking and sweaty as he shook her hand for the first time.  But his mother liked him instantly, Atsushi let him know later while they took a walk after dinner, simply because Atsushi liked him.  Tetta had scoffed, and said that was exactly why his own parents would dislike Atsushi, but that he was glad that dinner had gone well, even if Tetta had dropped a slice of Atsushi’s birthday cake on the floor.  

In a flash, New Years had passed, and Tetta let Atsushi kiss him in public for the first time, as everyone was more distracted by the midnight fireworks and their friends to worry about the quick peck they shared as the clock finally struck midnight.  The night was cold, and Atsushi could barely feel his own nose, but their shared breaths fogged Tetta’s glasses as they stood too close together, crowds pressing in on them from all sides, and Atsushi couldn’t help but stealing one last kiss, even as the clock now read 12:01.

It was the start of a new year, and finally, decisions about life after high school were beginning to be made.  Graduation was only a few months away as March ticked closer and closer. What was once months away, was now only weeks, and Atsushi tried to remain steady, forever and always a support, as Tetta’s stress began to consume him.  

Atsushi finally convinced Tetta to allow him to come over to his house for his birthday at the end of January.  Tetta had not been available much in the days since school restarted for their final semester, but still, Atsushi did his best to remain positive, reminding himself that of course, things would be like this sometimes.  Tetta was such a different student from himself, and his coursework much more rigorous. The expectations they had to perform were simply different, but that was what made them an even better pair.  

But the weight of those expectations had been weighing on him, even more so as Tetta’s parents had decided to go on a business trip the weekend of his birthday.  Tetta said it was typical, and they left about once a month so it was something to be expected, but even so, the bitterness in Tetta’s voice betrayed him.  

“Let me come over.  I’ll be gone before your parents get back tomorrow.”

“Are you asking to spend the night?”

“I can lie to my mom about where I am…if you want me to.”

Tetta paused, his hesitation spreading to discomfort.

“We won’t do anything weird. If you don’t want to.  But it might be fun to at least stay up all night? You’re 18 now. No more curfews.”

“I’ll..think about it. But, you can come over.” 

With his birthday gift for Tetta tucked away in a backpack, along with a small cake Atsushi had picked up at the grocery store, he pedaled over to the address Tetta had finally shared with him.  A neighborhood far nicer than his own passed him by, and Atsushi pulled up to a small, but nice house with an ever so graceful stop.  Leaning his bicycle against the inside of the fence that surrounded the neat front yard, Atsushi approached the front door, taking a moment to straighten his clothes and hair before knocking against the door once…then twice.  

With a frown on his face, Atsushi checked his phone, making sure he had the right address.  Tetta had responded to his message that he was on his way with a short “see you soon”, but nothing to indicate he wouldn’t be at the address listed.  

Just as Atsushi was about to knock a third time, the door cracked open, revealing one bespectacled gold eye peering out from behind the door.  Opening the door fully, Tetta let Atsushi inside, side stepping his hug as he closed the door.  With a hand on his back, Tetta guided him to the stairs, allowing him to go up first, and indicating the door on his right as his bedroom.  Tetta explained the only other door was the bathroom, should Atsushi need it, with all other rooms downstairs, monitored closely by his father’s security system. 

“Your parents sure are strict, huh?”

“You don’t even know half of it,” Tetta sighed as he closed his bedroom door behind him, the tension in his shoulders relaxing ever so slightly as the threat of the prying eyes of his parents diminished.  Atsushi held open his arms again, requesting a redo on the hug Tetta had rejected earlier.  Tetta slipped easily into his space, slipping his arms around Atsushi’s waist, underneath his backpack, and pressing his face against his shoulder as Atsushi wrapped his arms around him.  They stood like this for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s company in a new place, in a new way, as Atsushi swayed them gently from side to side, reveling in the simple closeness of a hug that he never wanted to end.

Eventually, Tetta pulled away, offering to take Atsushi’s backpack, and the plastic grocery bag that held the cake. Atsushi allowed him to take them as he looked around Tetta’s room, as tidy and clean as the rest of the house.  A neatly made bed sat parallel to his dresser, topped with a TV and a short pile of the movies Tetta had picked out for the evening.  His desk was the only thing in the room slightly askew, Tetta’s homework peeking out of the pages of his textbook. Even his closet closed fully, which was more than Atsushi could say for his own.  

“Happy Birthday, Tetta! I know it was a few days ago, but I hope I can make it up to you!”

“It’s not your fault.  My parents were busy pretending they cared,” Tetta bitterly recalled.  Tetta had even shared that he would have rather spent his birthday with Atsushi’s friends, than in the domineering presence of his parents at an overpriced dinner. 

“Well, you know I care.  So, what would you like to do?”

“I just thought…we could watch some movies.  I don’t really have much else.  No video games like you.”

“A movie is perfect.”

Moving to the TV to set a DVD in the drive, Tetta paused, looking over at Atsushi still standing in the middle of the room.

“You can…sit on my bed. It’s fine.”

Nodding his head, Atsushi climbed onto Tetta’s bed, scooting across the neatly made covers until he was able to sit with his back against the wall.  Tetta joined him quickly, TV remote in hand, and reached under the blankets to grab his pillows to cushion their backs against the wall.  Turning off the lights, the cool late afternoon sunlight filtered in over the top of the blackout curtains, casting them in almost complete darkness, if not for the glow of the TV.  

Tetta settled beside him, their legs pressed together nearly from hip to knee, and Atsushi smiled to himself as he felt one of Tetta’s arms wrap around his back, pulling him to his boyfriend’s side as the movie started.  

Atsushi had to admit, it was hard to focus on much else but the heartbeat in his ears as he relaxed against Tetta’s side, slipping down just far enough so he could rest against his shoulder.  Tetta’s thumb rubbed against his shoulder, and Atsushi melted as he always did when Tetta gave him any ounce of affection on his own.  

Partway through the movie, as his back began to ache, Atsushi righted himself again, sitting up straight.  Glancing over at Tetta, he admired his profile, poking at his cheek with one finger to get his attention.

Tetta raised an eyebrow, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. “What?”

“Nothing. Cute.” Poking him again, Atsushi scooted closer to him so he could lean in, and place a short smooch on the corner of his mouth.  Tetta’s cheeks immediately darkened, flushing in the low light as he turned his attention back to the TV.  For extra emphasis, Atsushi nodded his head once, with an affirmative “cute.”

As the movie continued, Atsushi felt his attention span wane, distracted by the closeness of his boyfriend, and the dramatically forbidden nature of being in his room without his parent’s approval.  He turned his head towards Tetta again, much more interested in his boyfriend’s face than the movie.  

Leaning in, Atsushi kissed Tetta’s cheek. Atsushi felt the skin under his lips tense as Tetta held back a smile, forcing himself to remain serious and stoic as ever.  Atsushi grinned, face still pressed against Tetta’s as he kissed him again, lower this time, on the edge of his jaw.  Tetta’s fingers dug tightly into his shoulder, and Atsushi was unsure if that was meant as encouragement, or warning. 

Choosing encouragement, Atsushi allowed his hand to inch towards Tetta’s leg, squeezing his knee softly.  Atsushi heard the inhale in Tetta’s throat catch, stuttering, as Atsushi pressed closed lips to the side of his neck, hand drifting ever so much higher, massaging Tetta’s thin thigh softly through his jeans.

“Atsushi.” Tetta’s adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed down Atsushi’s name, voice tense, on edge in a way that Atsuhi must have mistaken for excitement as he once again pressed his lips against tanned skin.

“Hm?”

“Please. Stop that.” Leaning away ever so slightly, Tetta removed his arm from Atsushi’s shoulders, using his newly unoccupied hand to grab Atsushi’s and place it back in his own lap.  He didn’t meet Atsushi’s eyes as he straightened up, leaning away himself to give Tetta more space.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t-”

“It’s fine.  Just. Not yet.”

“Okay. That’s okay.”  Sighing to himself, Atsushi offered his hand to Tetta.  He was relieved when, after a moment of hesitation, Tetta slid his fingers between his own, their hands coming to rest in the newly formed space between them on the bed.  “I understand, really.  I just…can’t stop saying it but I really like you.”

“I know.” A small smile was fighting the frown on Tetta’s face, his lips pressed together in a petulant line.

“And well…yeah. I want to do that with you. One day. When we’re both ready.  But I know it's a little fast, but I just thought you know it's kind of cheesy, but it's your birthday, and your parents are out, and it's like… too good of an opportunity to pass up you know? But I get it, I do, don’t worry -”

“Atsushi.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re doing it again.”  Tetta turned towards him, an amused expression painting his features as he reminded Atsushi of his tendency to word vomit when he didn’t know exactly what to say.  Atsushi bit his lips, holding back the thoughts racing inside his head, only able to distract himself from the uncomfortable situation when the movie came to a close a few minutes later.  

Jumping up to turn on the lights, Atsushi dashed over to his backpack, pulling out a small patterned paper bag that he’d been dying to give Tetta all night.  Tetta frowned, complaining that he didn’t want any birthday presents because then he’d have to explain them away to his parents, finally shutting up when Atsushi hushed him.

“It’s something small that you can easily hide. And something you can take off to college with you. Once you decide where to go, you know?”

Tetta’s frown softened as Atsushi handed him the bag, pulling out the paper on top to reveal a small, nondescript photo album.  Tetta flipped through it as Atsushi sat down once again by his side, a soft smile on his face as Tetta looked through all of his favorite pictures of them together.  Indeed small enough to hide, Atsushi’s favorite part of the present was the envelope “hidden” behind the last page.

“What’s this?” Holding out the plain white envelope, Tetta cocked an eyebrow.

“Open it.” Atsushi encouraged, bumping Tetta’s knee with his own, the excitement building from his silly little surprise.

Tetta did as instructed, popping open the envelope, and pulling out the two pieces of paper inside.  Printed off from Atsushi’s school computer, because he didn’t receive anything else fancier than an email, were two letters of acceptance into cosmetology programs.  Each near the two colleges Tetta had yet to decide between.  

“What’s this?” Tetta repeated, now holding out the printed off emails that he had read through at least three times each before speaking.

Grabbing one from Tetta’s hand, Atsushi began to read. “Dear Mr. Sendo, we are happy to announce that you have been accepted into the 2010 cohort of the Cosmetology Program of -”

“Yes, I can read.” Grabbing the letter back, Tetta held the two pages in his hand, looking between the two. “I knew you wanted to go to cosmetology school, but I thought you were going to the one here.”

“Well, I was going to.  But, when you crossed the college here in Tokyo off your list, I thought, hey. Can’t hurt to see if there are places closer to where Tetta’s going to school…”  Poking Tetta in the side when he did not respond, Atsushi questioned him. “Should I not have done that?”

“No, it’s fine. I’m happy. Truly.” Folding the email printouts back up, Tetta placed them back in their envelope. “I’m just surprised.”

“Surprised?”

“Yes…I just supposed you wouldn’t want to move.  So, I didn’t plan on asking you to do that.  I’m surprised you were planning all of this in secret.”

“Well, I didn’t want to ask you to stay either. I know you’ve got big plans, but most cosmetology programs are a dime a dozen, and thanks to you, my grades are better, so it was easy for me to get in anywhere, you know?”  

Tetta nodded, placing the photo album beside him.  Atsushi was puzzled by his response, expecting Tetta to be alot happier than what he was now.  Had he expected Tetta to be jumping up and down, beyond pumped that his boyfriend would be able to join him in his college journey? Not at all.  But, he also was expecting…something other than nothing.  The silence dragged, and Atsushi sat in uncomfortable silence, unsure if Tetta would respond or elaborate. 

“I’m just surprised someone would go out of their way to make plans to accommodate me.  I don’t know if I’d do the same.”

“Well of course I would.  I want to stay with you.”

Finally meeting Atsushi’s gaze, Tetta’s face was puzzled, genuine confusion striking his features.  “Really?”

“Really. What, did you think we’d break up when you went to college or something?”

Turning his face backs towards his hands, Tetta shrugged, noncommittal in his answer. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

The admission stung a little bit, but Atsushi understood the response all the same. They had talked about it before, how relationships from high school struggled to last beyond the confines of those formative years.  It was a scary thought, especially when things had been going so well for them up until this point.

It was terrifying actually. Downright terrifying that his first relationship might end in flames rather than as the end game.  

But even though it was scary, that doesn’t mean Atsushi didn’t want to try.

“Well I don’t think that at all.  Who knows, maybe I even love you, and want to stay with you while you go off doing your smart private school boy shit, and I learn how to perm little old lady’s hair.”

Tetta snorted, a genuine smile finally returning to his face. 

“Love, huh?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.  Guess you’ll have to wait and see.”

Rolling his eyes, Tetta leaned in, grabbing the front of Atsushi’s shirt to guide himself as he finally, finally graced Atsushi with a kiss that he didn’t have to initiate.  Atsushi let a happy sigh slip into Tetta’s mouth as he kissed him back, almost whining in disappointment as Tetta pulled away with a smug little smirk.

“Wait and see? I look forward to it.”

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A/N : My cat contributed to this fic while I was writing, and sadly I had to take out her contribution, but I wanted to include it here for posterity. Lucy wanted you all to know this about Kisakkun : Cdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddffgvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvxxxxxxvc b

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If happiness was measured by how fulfilling their relationship was, then he was happy.  

Just because he was lonely, didn’t mean he wasn’t happy.

At least, that is what he tried to pretend every time he opened his phone to see another picture of his friends. Smiling. Telling him they missed him.  Asking how he was doing,and it was so much easier just to pretend.

To lie.  To say he was fine.  To say he didn’t feel like a damn idiot and a burden and like an absolute failure of a boyfriend and a person and that he had already looked at train tickets home but closed the window on his laptop right after he placed the ticket in his cart.  By the time he opened it again, the ticket would be gone, because the train would have already left, and he could just tell himself. 

“It’s fine.”  

It’s fine.  

It wasn’t like things had slowly deteriorated over the summer, to the point that it always felt as if he was being an inconvenience if he asked Tetta to spend time with him.  

It wasn’t like he spent more and more nights alone, because he still couldn’t make any friends, because he always waited, hoping Tetta would tell him one day that he had finished with his homework early, and could catch a late dinner and maybe it wouldn’t end with dinner and Tetta would spend the night because he hadn’t seen him in a while.

But that would be silly. 

Because how could you miss someone who lived in the same city?

Who was only a phone call or a text message away.  

Why did it feel like he hadn’t seen Tetta in a year, when it had really just been two weeks?  

Two weeks. 

Had it really been two weeks?

Since their anniversary in early October….

Atsushi had to laugh at that.  How had they only been dating a year?

How had they ended up like this…after only a year…

The worst part of it all? Atsushi was sure that Tetta didn’t know that anything was wrong.  Because how could Atsushi tell him?

How could he really ask for Tetta to neglect his responsibilities and spend time with him, when the whole reason they were in this godforsaken city was so that Tetta could go to his choice college.

So Tetta could follow his dreams.

And Atsushi could follow along behind him like an obedient puppy, ready to do whatever its master says.  Ready to wait for him, all night, knowing he isn't coming. He isn’t even calling.  If he was lucky, Tetta would message him once a week, asking how he was doing.

If he was lucky.

He usually wasn’t lucky.

Atsushi had tested him once back in September.  Classes were in full swing, and Atsushi was focused on beauty school and decided.  If Tetta could go for a week, asking to be left alone so he could focus on his tests, then Atsushi could do the same when he was attending his first apprenticeship.  

Did Tetta even know that he had gotten one?  He couldn’t remember if he told him. When they talked, he didn’t want to talk about school or work or anything else but them. About how he missed him.  Loved him.  Not knowing if Tetta even loved him back.  

He had never said it.

Not that it mattered. Because it shouldn’t matter.

Atsushi knew how he felt.  

He loved him. So that’s all that should matter. Right?  

But he also knew he felt awful. 

Terrible.

Like a shitty person for feeling so lonely, but he couldn’t push those feelings away, even if he tried. Even if he tried to distract himself with anything else.

Nothing helped.

He always still felt like shit.  

Especially when Tetta didn’t call him. Didn’t check on him.  It was a test, and Atsushi really didn’t want to say he failed it but…

“Hey.”

“Atsushi.”

“I haven’t heard from you all week.”

“Yeah. You didn’t call me on Wednesday like you normally do.”

And something could have been wrong.  He could have been dying or sick or lost or…

“Yeah, sorry. I got busy this week and didn’t have a chance.  I didn’t want to bother you.”

And it would have helped if Tetta could say he wouldn’t be a bother. That he missed him.

“It was a busy week for me too, so maybe it was for the best.”

“I missed you.”

Please, Atsushi begged, without saying a word. Say you missed me.

“I’m sorry.”

Say you missed me.

“Can we hang out this weekend? I could come to campus and we could just walk around or I could sit with you in the library or a coffee shop while you work.”

Tetta. Please. Say it.

“Aren’t we doing something next weekend?”

“Yeah, our one year anniversary date. But, I’d like to see you this weekend too.  It’s just…been a while.”

“It’s not been that long.”

It only feels like forever to me.

“I know…but. I still miss you.”

Tetta sighed, and Atsuhsi could picture him now. Checking his watch. As if they had been talking for five hours instead of five minutes.  As if…. He didn’t even want to think about it, but as if Tetta didn’t want to talk to him.  

“I’ll see what I can do. I was planning on working extra this weekend to make up for slacking off next weekend.”

“Tetta…I promise I can be quiet. Can’t I just hang out with you in your dorm? I’ll bring a book.”

“You know you can’t keep your hands to yourself.  You’d try to distract me.”

He laughed, faked a laugh really, and tried to hold a brave face, even though Tetta was on the other side of a phone instead of right in front of him.  It helped, holding a strong facade.  It made him feel less out of control. Less weak.

“Can you blame me?”

“Hm.”

If it had been four months ago,  Atsushi would have had a witty comeback to counteract the silence that followed. He would have mentioned the seven minute lull, or how school had been, or literally whatever he could think of to keep Tetta on the line for thirty seconds more.  But the silence lingered, because Tetta was never very good at small talk, and Atushsi couldn’t think of a word that mattered.  

“Well I know you’re busy…so I’ll text you later this week with the details for our date.”

“I will look out for it. Goodnight, Atsushi. Sleep well.”

“Sleep tight, Tetta.  I love you.”

Click.

Before the last word even left his lips.  

Sometimes, it wasn’t easier to pretend.

Sometimes, it was easier to lay down in bed, and pull the blankets up to your nose, and cry into the pillows that never smelled like your boyfriend because he never spent the night. 

His room, a monument to someone who rarely stepped foot inside of it, felt suffocating, as everything in this room was because of Tetta.  Tetta had helped him pick it out, or bought it for him, or he had purchased himself so he and Tetta could share.  Even the blankets he was using to cover his eyes, to hide his shame from the judgemental photos of his friends on the wall, were purchased specifically because he was moving. 

With Tetta.

For Tetta.  

Atsushi had breathed in through his nose, and felt his entire body shake as he exhaled, trying to focus the sob that threatened to rattle out of his throat into deep, even breaths.  

He tried to convince himself he was being dramatic.

That things weren’t really as bad as they were.

That he was homesick, and maybe he needed to take a month off of school to return home to his mother and his friends who checked in with him daily, just because they missed him and wanted to make sure he was okay.  

Two sides of the same coin.  

Both sides were supposed to miss him.

Only one seemed to.

Even then, it was so easy to forget. To focus on other things.  Because it wasn’t always like this. 

It didn’t always hurt.  

Tetta had the unique ability to make him forget, because Atsushi normally didn’t let go of things so easily.  Normally he fought back, fiercely, for the things he wanted and against the things that hurt him.

Maybe, it was harder to do that when those were both the same thing.  

Maybe, Atsushi just liked to ignore the hurt for a few hours when Tetta was finally by his side again, so he could enjoy it.  

With the way Tetta smiled at him, he was sure Tetta didn’t know how much he was suffering.  Even if suffering was overexaggerating because why would Tetta hurt him on purpose? Why would he want to see him sad?

So he put on his best smile, and lost himself in the moment.  

Their anniversary date, where Tetta let him hold his hand as they walked from Atsushi’s apartment to a restaurant, and Tetta complimented his hair because it was slightly longer than he usually kept it, and he liked how soft Atsushi’s face looked with his bangs pushed to the side and his cheeks a deep pink because he was so in love.

And Tetta knew he was in love.

With the way Tetta looked at him, with stars in his eyes and the ghost of a smile on his lips, Tetta almost reminded him of the shy and nervous boy he had met over a year ago.  The one who was too shy to admit he liked Atsushi in return, and who had clammy hands and hid his smile with his hands when he wanted to seem cool and tough and couldn’t laugh at the dumb joke Atsushi had just made.

It was okay, in those moments, that Tetta had never said he loved him. Because in those moments, Atsushi was sure that he did. They smiled and laughed like they always did, and Tetta held his face so securely when they kissed at the end of the night.  

Come inside?

Only for an hour. He has work to do tomorrow.

An hour was enough, because they were alone, and Atsushi could steal his glasses and place them on his own head so that he could kiss the bridge of Tetta’s nose without smudging them.  Smoothing out the frown lines, he kissed down the side of his face, stopping short of his neck, because Tetta always made him stop, saying it tickled and would put bad ideas in their heads as his shoulder met his ear to block Atsushi.  

So instead, he placed his head on his shoulder and breathed in deeply, committing him to memory, because he never wanted to forget this.  This happiness, this feeling of success.  They had made it to one year…when everyone else said they shouldn’t or wouldn’t.

They weren’t a good match.  Tetta much too stuck up and tight laced, in comparison to Atsushi’s more outgoing, welcoming, warm personality.  

But it didn’t matter.

Because they had proven them all wrong.

And for a moment it was easier to be happy than to worry.  It was easy to let Tetta’s fingers twist around in his curls, than to bring up everything he had been wanting to say.  

“I love you.”

The words were met with a smile, happiness burning in Tetta’s eyes as Atsushi lifted his head to look at him, and he decided he didn’t need a response. Not this time.  He just wanted Tetta to hear. To make sure that he knew that Atsushi still felt the same way as he did when things were different. 

Atsushi almost wondered if things would be different if he had begged him to stay.  If he had demanded a response.  

Tell me you love me.

Because now, two weeks later, Atsushi wished he had said something.  That he had let Tetta know about his hurt.  

His heart was full to bursting, because there was no room for love or happiness and he was so close to breaking down.  When he finally overflowed, his heart would break, and that would be it.

There would be no turning back.

Two weeks later.

The last week in October, Tetta called him over, and asked him to get dinner near campus.

A rare treat.  Tetta greeted him with a tired smile.

“My friend is visiting Saturday night.”

A friend? 

“Hinata?”

Tetta shook his head, folding up his napkin and placing it on his empty plate.

“An upperclassman from my high school. I don’t know if he’s really my friend, or just an annoyance.  But I won’t be available this weekend like I promised, so I didn’t want to, you know...”

Not fulfill his obligation to pretend to be a good boyfriend twice a month?  Atsushi knew.

“Can I meet him? I could cook dinner, and you could both come -”

“No.”

No?

“Oh. Why not?”

Kisaki inhaled deeply with a roll of his eyes, and twisted the tip of his straw between his fingers.  “If only I could list all the reasons for why I don’t want him to meet you.”

Oh. He doesn’t want his friend to meet him.  A different phrasing is probably what he meant, but somehow it still stung.

“Well, I’ll be free if you change your mind.” 

“I probably won’t but… I’ll keep it in mind.”

Atsushi smiled, bracing himself for another weekend alone. Walking hand in hand, they returned to Tetta’s dorm.  They stopped outside, because Atsushi never went upstairs. Tetta kissed his cheeks, but not his lips, and told him goodnight. 

Atsushi stood there, outside the dorm, until Tetta entered through the glass door.  Atsushi opened his lips, right before his boyfriend disappeared inside, whispering so quietly, knowing Tetta would not hear. 

Not like it mattered anyway.  

“I love you.”

To a back that wouldn’t turn around, even if he had heard.

“I love him…” 

As he turned away himself, walking towards his bus stop, that would take him back to an empty apartment that never had the lights on because he didn’t want to see how tired he looked in the mirror.

“I…”

Whispered to himself as the door closed behind him, clicking shut, locked twice because no one would try to come visit him unexpectedly anyway.

“I love him…” 

Trying to convince himself, as he was barely sure anymore.  Because how could he…why should he? But denying it hurt worse, because it felt like a betrayal. He spent so many months not being honest with himself.

Saying he didn’t love him…it felt like Atsushi was breaking his own heart.  

A heart that was already cracking down the middle, as Tetta was doing such a good job of breaking it for him.

- - - - - -

- - - -

- - - - - -

“Come on come on, Tetta, let me stay the night?” 

“No. I didn’t ask you to come. Why didn’t you find your own place?”

“Because I thought  my cute little best friend would let me spend the night. Just one night. For my birthday?”

“Hanma, you’re an idiot. Now get out before you wake my roommate.”

With a whine, Shuuji threw himself backwards onto Tetta’s bed, messing up the covers as his friend stood nearby, arms crossed over his slim chest.  

“Awe come on, come on.  I can even sleep on the floor.”  

“No. Now leave.”

Hanma groaned again, rolling onto his side before sitting up.  A picture frame caught his eye, and Hanma grabbed it, holding a hand out to block Tetta as he made a grab for it.  

“Now who’s this? Must be your little boyfriend. He’s cute.”  

“Put that down.”

Holding out a hand, Hanma stood up, inspecting the picture frame closely. Awe. How sweet. He’s not sure if he’s ever seen Tetta actually smile before.  This boyfriend must be something special.  

“What was his name again? Atsumu?”

“Atsushi, now put that down and stop looking at him.” 

“Calm down, I’d never touch your precious little boyfriend. Where is he tonight? Maybe he could convince you to let me stay.  He looks nicer than you.”

“Hanma. Leave.” Snatching the picture frame from Shuuji’s hands, Tetta stomped over to his bed and placed it back on his table, facing the glass towards his bed.  Such care… Tetta never talked much about his boyfriend, but he must really like him if he wants to be able to see their picture from his bed.

Gross.

“Awe, how cute…” Reaching a hand out, Shuuji ruffled Tetta’s neatly styled hair, pouting when he swatted his hand away. “You must be such a good little boyfriend. Atsushi is so lucky.”

Tetta sneered at the sarcasm dripping out of Shuuji’s voice.  Picking up Shuuji’s coat, he shoved it towards him and pointed at the door.

“I won’t say it again.”

“Alright, alright. I’m leaving. No need to get your panties in a twist, damn.”

Slipping his coat over his arms, Shuuji headed for the door, shaking his head slightly as he felt the pitter patter of Tetta’s tiny little feet flowing him out of the room into the hallway, and down the stairs.  Tetta really wanted to make sure he left, huh?  No sleeping over with any of the other people in the dorm.  Shuuji really could have kept Tetta awake that way.

Oh well. He just had to find someone else’s bed to crash in. It wouldn’t be so hard.  Lots of lonely and desperate souls in a city. Surely someone would be around at this hour that would take pity on him.  Poor man, stranded and alone, kicked out on his birthday.  

Placing a cigarette in his mouth, Shuuji sparked his lighter and inhaled, considering his options. Walking. Always a shitty option, but will likely find him some place to warm up with a stranger.  

Striding past college bars, where dumb bimbos and pompous little shits gassed themselves up for the weekend.  It was so easy but so difficult to find footing in that crowd, and Shuuji almost considered walking inside because how funny would it be if one of those kids ended up bringing him right back to Tetta’s dorm.  

But nah. That wasn’t what he was looking for.  He needed something a little bit more desperate.  

Walking through the streets, Hanma entered a small local establishment off of the main street.  The clock that ticked off the legal drinking age ticked past 10 pm, and Shuuji rolled his eyes. That little shit had really kicked him out before the night even began.  Walking past the young and old couples, gathered up in groups around tall tables with tall stools, Shuuji flashed his ID at the bartender, finally able to drink with his own ID rather than a fake one, and ordered the first thing that popped into his head.  He shot a toothy grin at the bartender as he paid for his drink, hoping that his natural charm and intimidating aura would make up for the fact that he hadn’t left a tip, but was met with another eye roll as the man walked away to help a better paying patron.

Swiveling around on his bar stool, Shuuji slowly surveyed the room.  From the shitty band crooning away on the makeshift stage, to a couple that had definitely had too much to drink getting it on in a booth in the back.  Shuuji was almost jealous, until his eyes came to rest on a lonely little red-head, nose tucked against his phone, ignoring the world that was passing by around him.

No fucking way.  

Could his luck actually be that good?

What a small world, to actually recognize a familiar face amongst all these washed out sacks of shit. Stepping down from his barstool, Shuuji crossed the room, attempting to make no noise as he slid into the booth across from Atsushi.  

Setting his chin on his hand, Shuuji sipped his drink through the thin straw.  Atsushi still did not seem to realize he had any company, and jumped when Shuuji lightly tapped the table in front of him, tattooed hand sliding into view.  

Holding his phone against his chest, Atsushi breathed in sharply.  He looked him up and down, and Shuuji was satisfied that Atsushi didn’t seem to know who he was.

But he also didn’t tell him to leave, as he finally relaxed, setting his phone down on the seat beside him.

“Uh…hi?”

“Hope you weren’t waiting on someone to join you.  You just seemed lonely.”

“Oh. Uh. It’s fine.” Atsushi sniffed, leaning back in his seat until his back hit the bench back behind him.  He pulled his drink closer to himself, keeping a hand curled around the glass.  Smart.  

“What ya drinking? Got anything fun in that cup?”

“I’m not…old enough.  Just here to get out of the house for a bit.”

Nodding in faux sympathetic understanding, Hanma whistled at the bartender, flashing him two fingers as he pointed at his cup. The bartender returned the gesture with a middle finger before turning away to make the drinks. Shuuji blew him a kiss as he walked over to serve them, laughing as the bartender rolled his eyes.  

Pushing one drink towards Atsushi, Shuuji raised his eyebrows, smirking as Atsushi hesitated before grabbing the drink.  He held it much like he did his first, between both hands, held close like he was holding a wedding bouquet.

Shuuji loved that he made him nervous.

“So what’s your name, cutie?”

Redundant question, but Hanma grinned as Atsushi sputtered at being called cute by a stranger.  

“Uh, it's Atsushi.”

“Uhitsatsushi. Weird fucking name.”

“Atsushi.” The red-head repeated, sounding a bit more confident in himself.  “Just. Atsushi.”

“Ah, well just Atsushi.  You can call me Shuuji.”

“Nice to meet you, Shuuji.” Atsushi nodded in his direction, and Shuuji raised his eyebrows, nodding towards the drink in his hands. Looking down, Atsushi observed the liquid, and Shuuji knew that the younger man probably didn’t even know what the fuck it was. But he brought it to his lips and sipped, nose scrunching as the bitter liquid spilled over his tongue.

But he didn’t choke, and he didn’t cough.  He just drank deeply as Shuuji watched him.

“So what has you out here all alone?”  Shuuji leaned back, mirroring Atsushi’s body language, however slightly more relaxed.  Shuuji stirred his straw around his drink, silently vowing to be done for the night, as tonight would be much more amusing if he was sober.  

“Just needed out of the house, as I said earlier.”

“Ain’t got no friends or something?”

Atsushi’s cheeks flushed, and Shuuji decided he’d like to see a lot more of that.  “I do! They’re just all busy tonight.  Late shifts, you know?”

“Oh totally. I guess that just makes me lucky.”

Atsushi raised an eyebrow, following Shuuji’s hand with his eyes as a long finger reached across the table to poke at his glass, encouraging him to drink more. This sip was easier, and Atsushi’s cheeks reddened with the glow of a person who had never even smelled alcohol before in his entire life.  Atsushi exhaled as he set his glass down, now nearly empty if it wasn’t for the ice.

“Lucky?”

“Oh so lucky.”  Standing from the booth, Shuuji stepped around the table to slide in next to Atsushi.  He appreciated that Atsushi didn’t flinch away as he slid an arm over his shoulders, effectively caging him in between the wall and table.  “But maybe you’re the lucky one, cuz that just means you get to spend the night with me.”

Atsushi laughed, the sound sharp and short as he turned his head away, and angled his eyes towards his illegally procured beverage.  He pulled the straw between his teeth and drank as Shuuji got comfortable, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Shuuji smiled as he settled in, pulling the other two drinks to their side of the table.

“So tell me your life story.”

“My life story?”

“Yeah why not? It's probably the most interesting in the room tonight.” 

Atsushi laughed again, the snort-like exhale of air bubbling in his drink. 

“Well, what do you want to hear first?”

Pretending to think, Shuuji tapped a finger from his free hand against his chin. With a grin, Shuuji leaned in close, the words falling from his lips directly into Atsushi’s ear.  “Maybe what’s got a pretty guy like you lookin’ so sad?”

Shaking his head slightly, Atsushi leaned away just enough so that Shuuji was no longer breathing directly in his ear.  But he never forced Shuuji’s arm off his shoulder.

“Anything but that.”

“Oh sorry, sorry.  We all have our secrets, don’t we?” Winking once, Shuuji observed the way Atsushi’s cheeks turned pink.  “Maybe tell me about your job. Go to school? Pets?”

Atsushi cocked his head to the side, thinking deeply about the questions that had just been posed.  His glass was empty, and his cheeks were flushed and ruddy from the alcohol.  Switching the nearly full third glass for the one in Atsushi’s hands, Shuuji leaned in closely, listening (but not really) to the tales that Atsushi weaved.  He wanted to be a hairdresser, or some shit like that, but Shuuji cared much more about what lies he would spin if Shuuji asked him to take him home.  

The night was moving quickly, now that he had a cute little companion. Shuuji didn’t even notice when a new band, one with a little more skill, started playing.  He was much too concentrated on the way Atsushi’s Adam's apple jumped when he talked, his fair neck unmarked.  Shuji could fix that… so easily.  

Just a little nip of his teeth…. He could even do it where Tetta wouldn’t see, if he was feeling so kind.  

Atsushi jumped when he felt Shuuji’s warm lips on his neck.  He laughed with uncertainty, but not quite discomfort.

“Shuuji…what are you doing?”

“New question.” Sitting up straight, Shuuji looked down at Atsushi.  He watched as Atsushi licked his lips, pink tongue flicking out just enough as Atsushi pulled his bottom lip between his teeth.  

“Tell me about your first time…you know…” Shuuji whispered the rest of his sentence directly into Atsushi’s ear, enjoying the way he shivered and heated up at the same time.  Atsushi shook his head slightly, the curls of his bangs shifting against his forehead as Shuuji kissed his neck again.  “Ah… a virgin.”

Atsushi shushed him, turning his head away in embarrassment. Shuuji felt him shiver again, unconsciously leaning into his mouth as his teeth grazed Atsushi’s neck.

“Got a boyfriend?”

Another question that Shuuji very well knew the answer to.  He lifted his face, dropping his free hand to Atsushi’s thigh.  Giving him a tight squeeze, he saw the gears turning behind Atsushi’s eyes.  He was very curious to see what Atsushi had to say as he had been allowing Shuuji to be very cozy with him all evening long….even now, as Shuuji’s hand slid just ever so higher…. long fingers squeezing down tightly on a part of Atsushi’s body that Shuuji could confidently say has never been touched by his best friend.

“Atsushi? Come on now.  We can fix that virgin thing… but you gotta answer me. You can’t be that gone, you only had two drinks -”

“No.”

“No?”

Shuuji observed Atsushi’s serious little face, cheeks so full and pink and Hanma couldn’t wait to make his other cheeks match…. Lips full and wet from Atsushi’s nervous little licks, absolutely ready to be kissed…just as soon as he said the words…

“No. I don’t have a boyfriend.”

- - - - - -

- - - -

- - - - - -

Sticky.

Sticky and Sore.

Sticky and sore with a pounding headache and a slightly nauseous feeling in his stomach that was unsettlingly unfamiliar.  

Keeping his eyes screwed shut, Atsushi reached up, pawing at his curtains that had somehow been pulled open. He blindly pulled the curtains back into place, slowly rubbing at his eyes as the room returned to a comfortable darkness.  

Atsushi sat up, head feeling as if he was swimming through mud, allowing his blankets to pool in his lap, keeping him decent as he tried to figure out what the hell had happened to him last night.  

Patting around his bed, he found his phone, tangled up in a pile of his clothes near his pillow, frowning when he realized it was already past noon.  

He had a single missed call from Tetta, and a text message that was received only a few minutes later, asking if he wanted to get lunch. Weird. Wasn’t his friend still in town?

Swinging his legs to the edge of the bed, Atsushi attempted to stand, his own body fighting back against him as he realized how sore he really was.  Sore in place he had never been sore before… 

Atsushi sat on the edge of his bed, fingers running through his hair as he tried to wrap his head around the last twelve or so hours.  He had gone to the bar near his house for dinner… and met that man…what was his name?

Atsushi looked around his room, satisfied to see that he was quite alone, before his eyes settled on his bedside table.  A glass of water, and a note that he didn’t recognize… it wasn’t his handwriting, nor was it Tetta’s…

Leaning over to grab it, the blanket fell out of his lap, sliding over his bare legs to the floor.  Atsushi flushed, grabbing it to cover himself once again.  There was no one here to see him, and yet….he could see himself.  And right now, he didn’t think he wanted to see.  

Trying to wrap his head and justify why he may be sore, and naked, and with what he could only classify as a hangover, without admitting to himself what he had done.  

Because he couldn’t have.

He loved Tetta.

He wouldn’t…would he?

Typing out a quick response to his boyfriend, the love of his young life, the one person who meant everything to him, Atsushi responded that he woke up not feeling well, and that he would talk to him later. When he was feeling better.

Whenever that might be.  

Breathing in deeply through his nose, Atsushi unfolded the note that he had crumpled up in his fist.  Reading it once, and then twice, Atsushi felt his eyes begin to burn with shame.  The sobs he had been holding in finally poured from his throat, as the ink of the note blurred as his eyes swam with tears.  Atsushi tore the note in half, wishing that that would undo the last day of his life, before dropping the paper to the ground.

So glad you didn’t have a boyfriend…

Find me if you ever make it back to Tokyo,

would love a round two.

Shuuji ♡

-----

A/N :

The urge to make lyrics from Losing My Mind by Mayday Parade the chapter summary was so strong.

Ah yes finally. The chapter that I've been referring to as "the bad thing" for the last couple months. The last chapter I wrote before I decided to start posting this fic in June. I hope you enjoyed it~

-----

The first day of summer. The first day of a short break, back home and pretending nothing had changed.

Sitting on the floor of Takemichi’s room for the first time in three months. The gang finally all back together for a few days in June, catching up, even though they already talked every day that he was gone.  

They were happy to see him, and that was refreshing, because Atsushi was not one who was used to loneliness, and he had not expected how lonely he would feel living so far away in another city.  

But it was worth it. It had been worth it.   He missed his friends for sure,  but if he had stayed, he would have missed Tetta even more.  So he was glad…happy.  

Oh so happy…

He was! He promised himself he was.  Every night, before he went to bed, as he wished Tetta a good night, he would tell himself he was happy.  Because if you said it enough times, it must surely become true, right?

Right.

So he was happy.  

Moving was hard. Being away from his friends was hard.  But this was worth it, and he was happy.

With a sigh, Atsushi fixed his smiled on his face as he leaned against the side of Takemichi’s bed, listening to Yamagishi ramble on and on about some customer that had come in to his part-time job, demanding he serve them boiled peanuts in a book shop, and tried to pretend he wasn’t jealous of missing out on all of this. 

On the stories. On the chaos of his friends. On nights like these, where they talked about moving out and getting their own place together, just so they could finally get out of their parent’s houses, and live a little bit more like an adult.

A dream Atsushi wouldn’t ever be able to participate in, because he already had his own apartment, in a different city with a different atmosphere.  

When Tetta had finally chosen the college he wanted to go to, he had helped Atsushi find a place to live, because of course, fate was determined to keep them apart for just that much longer.  Well fate, and the university’s rules that all freshmen must live in on-campus housing, meaning that he and Tetta couldn’t have shared an apartment that year, even if they had been ready for that.  Which Atsushi convinced himself was a benefit, because they were still young, barely 18, and had not even been dating for a full year. So of course they shouldn’t live together. Right? 

Right.  

It was better this way.  It gave them their needed space to continue in the trajectory they were on, with a little bit more freedom. Without the prying eyes of parents, and the curfew Tetta’s parents had set for him.  It was a small apartment. Just enough room for one, but a bed big enough for two.  Tetta had said if he decided next year to move off campus, they could find something that suited them better, but for now, Atsushi was satisfied.  

As satisfied as he could be.  

He barely spent time there, anyway.  

During the day, he spent his time in his own classes.  Of course, cosmetology wasn’t as time intensive or homework filled as Tetta’s university classes were, so he also found himself obtaining a part time job, just to get himself out of the house for a few more hours, so he wouldn’t just be at home. Wondering. Waiting for Tetta to be done with his work for the day, so they could meet up for dinner or at least a walk around the college campus if Tetta had eaten earlier in the day with his classmates.

It really wasn’t so bad. He got to see Tetta daily, which was more than he could say for when they still lived at home.  Even if it was only for a few minutes, it was better than nothing. If his day was going terribly, or even if it was going well, seeing Tetta just put him in a better mood. His shy smile, accompanied with a kiss on the cheek, was often the best part of Atsushi’s day.

And maybe that was why it was always so hard at the end of the day.  Going back home alone, because Tetta very rarely liked to spend the night, and never during the week, because it was easier to get to his 8 and 9 am classes from his dorm than Atsushi’s apartment.  Which Atsushi understood.  He wanted Tetta to do well in school. That was the whole reason they came here. The whole reason he tagged along. It was all so Tetta could follow his academic passions and graduate and then… maybe then, they’d move back to Tokyo and…

He was happy.  

He tried to remind himself of that daily.

He was happy.

Because he was.  If happiness was measured by how fulfilling their relationship was, then he was happy.  Just because he was lonely, didn’t mean he wasn’t happy.  If anything, their relationship had only improved…because they were maturing. Getting older, and closer, and they just had the freedom to be themselves.

It was…everything.  Everything had Atsushi had ever dreamed of for a relationship. Everything he could have asked for.  

He loved Tetta.  

He was sure of that.  He’d yet to say it out loud, or to anyone but himself.  He wanted to. He thought maybe…it would have been nice… but Tetta had excused himself from when all of Atsushi’s friends and Hinata went to the beach the first day of their break, saying he needed to tend to something for his mother while they were in town.  They were only staying a week, so no, going to the beach wasn’t on Tetta’s list of things to do.  Atsushi sighed, saying he’d miss him, as he always did when they were apart, and almost said it then, that he loved him, because he wouldn’t be able to recreate their first day together from the previous summer.  

But he bit his tongue, and wished Tetta’s mother well, and promised himself he’d say it before the summer was over.  They were only going to be able to stay in Tokyo for a week, after all. Maybe it would be better said when they returned back home, so Tetta could take his summer lessons, and Atsushi could plan something nice for the anniversary of their first date in August.

Thinking about the plans that were already brewing up in his head made Atsushi smile. He couldn’t believe it…how had it already been almost a year?  Things were different than they had been last year, of course, and they wouldn’t be able to spend the summer wasting away together, going on dates and hanging out and growing closer.  But the way things were different were okay…because they were still getting closer, in new ways that weren’t so scary and tentative because at least this summer, they both knew that they felt the same way about each other.

Tetta was still shy to show his affection, but at least now, Tetta kissed him when they parted, before Atsushi even leaned in to request his goodbyes.  Tetta hugged him, and held him, and clung to him in a way that made Atsushi feel loved and wanted and needed.  It often felt like Tetta didn’t want to let him go, even though in his own head, he knew he had to.

Atsushi wouldn’t have made him let go.  But Tetta always had more self-restraint than he ever did.  And maybe that was better for both of them, because Atsushi knows he would never get a single thing done again if he was the one calling the shots.

Looking down at his phone, Atsushi smiled at the clearly forced selfie that Tetta had been made to take by his mother.  His perpetual pout, enhanced by his mother’s overbearing nature, made Atsushi chuckle.

Atsushi : Is she happy the spray tan is fading?

Atsushi : miss you

Tetta : Don’t be dumb.  I saw you early today.

Tetta : She’s ecstatic. Wishes I would stop bleaching my hair to match.

“How’s Kisaki-kun doing?”  

Snapping out of his own private revelry, Atsushi turned towards Takuya, who had asked the question.

“Really well, actually.  He’s really enjoying school, and of course, he’s doing really well in all of his classes.”  Atsushi tried to push away his proud smile, because it felt silly in the moment.  

“That jerk still treating you right?” Makoto asked, as the attention shifted from Yamagishi’s story to the biggest ongoing topic of debate in their friend group for the past year.

“Of course he is. Why would you say that?”

“I’m sure Makoto didn’t mean anything bad,” Yamagishi interjected, shutting any snippy response from Makoto down.  “Kisaki’s just a little…well prickly, you know?”

“Hina would tell me if things weren’t going well, I think. And she hasn’t said anything…” Takemichi added, holding up his cell-phone to emphasize his point.

“Guys, seriously. Tetta makes me happy. I thought we settled this months ago.” Crossing his arms across his chest, Atsushi frowned, frustrated with his friend’s constant questioning. 

“Yeah, but things can still go wrong even when you’re happy, man.” 

“Makoto, shut up,” Takuya stepped in when he saw Atsushi’s frown deepen into an irritated scowl.  “We just get worried, Akkun. Don’t feel like we’re interrogating you.”

“You always just say you’re doing fine, but sometimes you seem kinda sad when we video chat!” Yamagishi stated, elbowing Makoto in the side before he could add anything else that would stir up the fire.  “But if everything’s fine, everything’s fine!”

“Just, if something is wrong…you’d tell us right?” Takemichi questioned, inspecting his best friend closely as he uncrossed his arms.

“Of course I would.  I wouldn’t hide anything from you.”  Not a total lie, but enough of a lie that Atsushi found himself unable to meet his friends’s eyes.  “It just gets lonely sometimes.  Tetta’s alot busier than me, and I haven’t really made other friends to hang out with yet.  So if Tetta’s busy studying…then yeah. Lonely.”

With a sympathetic smile of understanding, Takuya patted him on the arm.  “That makes sense.  But just let us know, okay?”

“Yeah, if he does something, I’ll still kick his ass.” 

Rolling his eyes, knowing Makoto wouldn’t lay a finger on Tetta, Atsushi insisted again that he was fine. 

Atsushi was fine, and Tetta was fine, and they were all happy.

If that was true, why couldn’t he shake Makoto’s comment from his head? 

Things can go wrong, even when you’re happy.  Of course he knew that.  Life happened to everyone, regardless of how happy you are. So of course. 

Of course.  

But nothing was wrong, even when it felt like it was.

Things were the same, even when they felt different.

And Atsushi loved him, even when he wondered if Tetta felt the same way.  

Sitting across from him in a train car, a small table between them, Atsushi bumped Tetta’s foot with his own.  Atsushi flashed him a winning smile when Tetta looked up from his laptop to raise an eyebrow at him.

As Tetta began typing again, Atsushi looked out the window at the scenery, flashing by faster than Atsushi could ever focus on.  Everything was a blur, and it hurt his eyes, so Atsushi closed them, leaning his head against the wall of the train with a sigh.

“Atsushi…”

“Hm?”  The rattling of the train car was annoying, but almost soothing as he pressed his forehead against the cool wall.  If he relaxed his jaw, he could feel his teeth clattering together so violently that he worried they might crack.

“That’s about the third time you’ve sighed like that since we left.”

Opening an eye, he looked across at Tetta, who had tilted his laptop screen down, not fully closing it, but enough that Atsushi knew he had his attention for the time being.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I was distracting you.” Sitting up straight, Atsushi held his hands in his lap, rubbing his thumbs against each other.

Ignoring his apology, Tetta bumped his foot back.  “Is something wrong?”

“No…”

“Liar.”

“Are you ever going to tell your parents about me?”

Biting his lips at the sudden, accusatory question, Tetta turned his head to the side, looking out the window.  

“They don’t even know I moved with you, even in a friends capacity.  We had to show up at the train separately, Tetta, because you were too worried about what they would say?” Shrugging his shoulders, Atsushi sunk down in his seat, slouching.  “I’d like to meet them.”

“Not yet.”

“When?”

“I don’t know, Atsushi.” Tetta turned back towards him with a look of exasperation. “Can we talk about anything else?”

With another sigh, Atsushi leaned forward, pushing Tetta’s laptop closed, ignoring the irritated look on his face. 

“Spend the night when we get back?”

“Atsushi, please…” Pulling his laptop out from below Atsushi’s hand, Tetta reopened his laptop, restarting it to save what he had been working on.

“Tetta. Please.  We didn’t get to spend much time together this week.  We can order something to eat, and you can go back to your dorm in the morning. Your classes don’t start for another couple days, so you can do this.”

“Atsushi…”

“For me?”  Sliding his hand across the table, Atsushi gave Tetta’s wrist a squeeze.  He gave him the biggest puppy dog eyes he could manage, fluttering his eyelashes as Tetta’s cheeks turned pink.

“Fine.  Just this once.”  Finally closing his laptop, Tetta stored it in his bag.  “But, you should know that I may not be able to spend as much time with you in the coming months.  Our professors have warned us that things are going to get more difficult when we resume classes, so I need to focus.”

“Oh, okay. I understand…” Atsushi smiled at him, trying to hide the worry as Tetta grabbed his hand with a squeeze. “Beauty school should be restarting soon as well, so I’ll just see if I can pick up some extra hours at work to keep myself busy.  Will you be free to go on a real date in August?”

Raising an eyebrow, Tetta questioned “Why in August?” and Atsushi pretended that it didn't feel like a hole punched through his heart.

“The anniversary of our first date, of course. I thought we could spend the day together, like we did before.”

“But our anniversary is in October?” Tetta seemed genuinely perplexed, and that eased the initial feeling of hurt that Atsushi felt from the question.

“We can have more than one anniversary, you know.  Could have an anniversary for the first day we met, or the first date, or anything else you could think of.  If it’s important to us, we can celebrate it.”

“I see…I can’t promise anything right now.”

“Well later then.” Clasping the hand that was holding his between his palms, Atsushi smiled, trying to show that he was not upset, even if the noncommittal response was disappointing.  “We can focus on tonight for now.  What do you want to pick up for dinner?”

The remainder of the train ride seemed to speed by, faster even than the landscape that shifted from countryside to suburb to city.  They shared stories about their trip to Tokyo, as they truly had not been able to touch base beyond text message since getting off the train a week ago.  Tetta had spent the week with his parents, who had expected a full update on everything related to university, and Atsushi had split his time between his mother and his friends.  Tetta was happy to return, and he frowned when Atsushi said he wished they could have stayed longer due to missing his friends.  He did not explain his expression, and Atsushi did not ask what it meant, letting the expression fade into something more neutral as they continued their conversation.

The sun was already setting by the time they arrived at Atsushi’s apartment.  Pulling their suitcases into the living room, Atsushi whipped around, dropping his coat onto the floor before throwing his arms around Tetta’s shoulders.  Tetta fussed about something, requesting to be allowed to get out of his shoes, but Atsushi couldn’t be bothered as he leaned in for a much needed kiss. One that he had not been able to receive for almost a whole week, because of course, Tetta was as hypervigilant as ever when they were in their hometown.  Tetta shrugged off his own coat, dropping it along with whatever else he had initially not wanted to set on the floor. His hands found Atsushi’s hips, gripping him tightly as Atsushi held him close.  

The happiness flooded back with the curve of Tetta’s lips against his own, and with the way Tetta swayed them from side to side, almost as if they were dancing alone to a song neither of them could hear. 

Atsushi felt so warm, pure happiness enveloping him as Tetta kissed him back, still following Atsushi’s lead, even though they had been doing this for months.  Atsushi didn’t mind leading, guiding Tetta around the couch, sitting so closely that they may have melded into one person, and Atsushi couldn’t have thought of something more exciting than that.  He wouldn’t mind being a part of Tetta, if that meant they could stay like this forever.  Just the two of them, lost in each other’s arms and mouths and hands that tried so hard to behave.  The world forgotten, from their dinner to the unlocked front door to the unsent text message Atsushi had meant to shoot to his mother to make sure she knew they were at home.

Feeling Tetta everywhere…his lips on his face, his hands on his hips and in his hair… it was exactly what he needed to forget all of his friends’ concerns and worries and throw them right out of the window.  There was nothing to worry about. If this was happiness, then everything else could go to shit, and he would be content.  

Atsushi knew deep inside of himself that this was exactly what he wanted.  It was what he had chosen, and he would stick beside it.  Beside Tetta.  He loved him.  He didn’t want to deny that or question it or be questioned about it anymore… how could he? Not when being in Tetta’s arms felt like home.

Security. Warmth. Love. Even if Tetta still hesitated. Even if Tetta was still uncertain.  Atsushi knew this was what he needed.

“Atsushi.”

Pulling his head back from where his lips had connected with Tetta’s throat, Atsushi looked into his eyes, matching pink cheeks as their chests heaved, trying to catch their breath.

“That’s enough.”

“Yeah, okay.” Leaning back, Atsushi scooted half a foot away, giving Tetta room to sit up, pulling his shirt back down over his stomach.  “Sorry.”

“It’s fine…just -”

“Too much. I know.” With a faux smile stretched across his face, Atsushi stuck his tongue out. Tetta averted his gaze, breathing in deeply through his nose, as he avoided looking too closely at Atsushi.  A small smile pulled at his cheeks, and that wasn’t lost on Atsushi as he leaned in one last time, kissing his favorite feature on Tetta’s normally terse face.  His cheeks burned beneath Atsushi’s lips, but he did not tease him for long, standing from the couch to resume their evening. 

Dinner and their favorite movie.  A cup of tea before bed, shared between the two of them, because they always wasted it if they each had their own.  

The night was a reminder.  That it was okay.  That this is how their relationship would be.  Overwhelmingly happy, with little road bumps along the way.  The loneliness a roadbump.  The time and distance a roadbump.

But road bumps weren’t something that ever stopped someone from getting to their final destination.  They were literally just that. Minor inconveniences that rocked the whole car, and if you didn’t ease over them, maybe they could hurt you.  But, it didn’t change the final goal.. It didn’t change the outcome.

They didn’t change the fact that Atsushi loved Tetta more than anything.

Tetta joined him in his bed that night, a rare treat that he only received if Tetta spent the night.  Curled up against each other, they kissed each other good night, the quick peck devolving to mirror their situation from earlier, until Tetta rolled away, mumbling that it was time to sleep. Atsushi matched his pose, laying on his own side of the bed, staring at the back of Tetta’s head resting against the pillows.

“Tetta?”

Not receiving a response at first, Atsushi scooted closer to his boyfriend in the bed, molding himself over his back, and wrapping an arm around his waist.  Tetta’s stomach muscles contracted as Atsushi’s hand grazed over his abdomen, and Atsushi laughed softly, knowing that his breath tickled the back of Tetta’s ear.  

“Tetta…” Saying his name again, this time, in a sickly sweet sing-song voice.

“Atsushi…” Tetta’s voice, a crackly little sigh, met his ears, and Atsushi couldn’t help but kiss him, only able to reach the back of his shoulder from this angle. His lips pressed against the fabric of Tetta’s shirt, 

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” Tetta responded promptly.  When he did not receive a similarly speedy response, he called out to him, speaking his name into the dark of the room. “Atsushi?”

“Sorry, I was just…thinking.

“Dangerous.”

“Shh.” Pressing his face firmly against his boyfriend’s shoulder, Atsushi breathed in deeply, smelling his own body wash and shampoo on Tetta’s skin from his shower earlier.  Just another reminder…“Hey Tetta?”

“Yes?”

Inhaling deeply, Atsushi prepared himself, trying to build up his nerve to say it.  Just, speak it into the night, lips forming the words against Tetta’s shoulders.

“I love you.”

Tetta’s response was not immediate, but Atsushi felt him lay his hand atop his own, threading his fingers through Atsushi’s where it rested over his stomach.  Tetta squeezed his hand tightly, and Atsushi was sure he heard Tetta click his tongue.  The same sound Tetta always made when Atsushi said something that was so stupidly obvious.  

Atsushi wasn’t sure what kind of response he expected from Tetta.  He wasn’t even sure what he wanted.  He also wasn’t sure how to react when finally, Tetta responded to his confession with a soft

“I know.”

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