#kindating issue

i've been aware of the kin community since i was around 19, and experiencing kin memories and noemata since birth (i used to dream more, and frequently dreamed about traumatic events from canons that wouldn't be made for years, or which i wouldn't learn about until later in life). this means that i've been through a lot of missing people, before and after i understood why i missed them. there are canonmates i missed so badly i'd scrawl their names on the walls of my bedroom, and ones i worried after enough to lie awake at night, staring at my ceiling, praying they were eating enough and loved and well-taken-care of, because anything else would be unkind and unfair of the world.

i am fortunate enough to have met several of my canonmates (including the one i worried about like that). before that, though: this is how i coped.

i would gather things that reminded me of them—sometimes official merch, sometimes fanmade content, sometimes fanfictions, and sometimes things i'd make by hand myself. i'd save things that made me happy, and things that made my chest hurt, and things that made me cry, too, thinking about them. songs and stories and characters i thought they'd like; flavors and foods i wanted to share with them, and all the things i never got to say then that i'd give anything to be able to say now. i'd jokingly "make up" canonmates: this character overlaps with this other character from another canon—how likely is it that my canonmate would kin them? (warning: play this game knowing that it sometimes results in 'oh no i made up a guy and now i'm crying about it'.) ...i know i said it already, but food is a big one, for me: i love food and most of my canons tell you my favorite foods, and i love trying the favorites of my sourcemates to see how i like them. getting to share those meals is a dream of mine, still.

point is—i started doing this, and it made the ache a little less. i'd see these things out of my personal context and smile, because it would remind me of the people i missed. and most of all, i try to remember that we are given, on average, 75-80 years of life this time around, if you look at statistics. there is always time. i can't promise you'll meet the canonmate you're missing at this instant, but i can promise that someone is out there looking for you, too. don't drive yourself mad looking for them; just wait. i promise you have more time than you think you do.

there are some canonmates i'll never see, because they're not the kind to be online or care about things like spirituality—and those people, i'll treasurehoard for, forever. i know that. but now that i've gotten to meet the ones i'm lucky enough to meet, i get to share all of the treasures i built up for them along the way—the other day, i got to go to a concert with one of my canonmates, and hold him and sway and sing along to a song i've associated with him since before i realized that i was my kintype. i never would've been able to guess i'd have that joy, when i first linked the two; it wasn't the point. so i was singing with my voice wobbly with tears because he was there with me, because i got to share that with him.

...and, to finish off: yes, kindating is bad. as someone who had his heart broken or worse several times because i was whole-assing it and they were only kindating, kindating can literally traumatize you.

but the advice for that is easy, too: remember that you're worth more than who you were to someone. you have a rich, fascinating, and beautiful life herenow, and you deserve better than to be pidgeonholed and smoothed over. there are things you know now that you would never have even thought of looking into then! isn't that incredible?? and the person you are now deserves love just as much as who you were then.

i know that might feel a little hard to believe sometimes, but i'm writing to you here as proof of that part, too. your sourcemates will love you because of all that you are. they won't consume you in pieces; they'll love the whole of you, the good and the bad. and if they don't, they're not worth your time, sourcemate or not. the unfortunate truth is that sometimes, people vary a lot between lives, and they can be kind in one and cruel in another. i'm not saying to build walls: simply to remember that you deserve kindness, and to be treated well, no matter who someone was to you.

and all that said: i really, really hope you can find who you're looking for. i hope he's looking just as hard for you. but sometimes fate makes things happen at a specific point for a reason: trust that you will find him when things are right for both of you. i did :') - #🦊🎃🔮

(p.s. i really hope this is all coming across well. i'm kind of awful at tone, but i'm cheering for you! i hope some of this helps you feel better, even if it's just a little!!)

Fitting in with this, my ego is massive about how falling for our partners has been the opposite of this from the start. I knew nothing about this character that my partner is, and I did not give a damn about the character. Until I did. Because okay damn, that's my crush and that dork's cute. Sudden love for the character. Rinse and repeat with the entirety of his system we got to know later.

Love, myself (i use the term kindate here but I am a fictive)

This is My reminder for everyone, that kin dating isn't a term that means dating a source mate! It's when you specifically only start dating someone because of who they are kin with!

Lots of love

anonymous asked:PSA: kindating does not mean "dating someone who is kin". it means "dating someone specifically because they're kin with a specific person, regardless of anything else about them". THAT is why people hate kindating. i do see where there might be confusion, though. dating folks who are kin rules - sincerely, someone who has been on this hellsite since fucking 2011, has dated people who are kin and has been "kindated"; the kindating left me with hurt feelings and trust issues Answer