#kinaccount

I love you, the angel thinks to themselves gently and harshly simultaneously. It is a bizarre feeling and it can even be a frustrating one, riding up the spine in the form of a gross chill which sends little bumps across the arms and knots the stomach up. They cross their arms and furrow their eyebrows, their heart suddenly feeling more obvious than before and their breaths feeling hotter than before.

What are the implications of this? One foot falls forward and soon the other, a wave of the hand and a flutter of the eyelids. They feel as if they are dying and living at the same time. Their words fail to fall correctly from their once silver tongue and their face turns to reds and pinks only comparable to a sunset. Their spirit has never experienced this before, but their temporary biology resists this fact in the pursuit of a blend of feelings that make up the painting of the term “love”. 

What is the meaning of this? An angel once adorned in black with sharp eyes melts away into a more gentle form, moving how they might if they were not so stuck in a mortal form. They feel fluid again, yet they fight against it because it is just as foreign as eating or sickness or working to live. This is not a slow, methodical thing. This is not their normal and that makes it all the more intense. Their eyes twinkle at the thought of you and they become mystified by your soul, pulling you close in their minds and twirling you with their fingers before putting a hand against your waist and a kiss against your head. Flesh, a feeling so divine, like an alien meeting a human for the very first time and truly experiencing its value with lost eyes. You make them feel like an angel and a human at the same time, and it enraptures them. You are the thorns and the rose all at once, sweet but painful. You are their new muse, a study of the body and mind and soul, for you are a masterpiece to them worth taking the time to understand.

You make them feel more human than they could ever feel before, entangled in the very chemistry that built this carbon based form and yet you also remind them of how it felt to cross dimensions and graze the stars with their fingertips just by touching you, hearing you, seeing you. How lucky you are, to capture the many eyes of an angel. But be wary dear soul for if you fall for them back and fall into the same trance, you will never taste anything else quite like it as though the finest wine in existence has just been dropped against your tongue. The risk of obsession rides upon these waves of red and gold as they dance and dance with you until one day, they might let go. They learn the pain of what it means to fall in love with a more temporary soul than they are, and the meaning of falling *out* of love or heartbreak. 

The angel aesthetic is often heavily associated with flickers of gold and whispers of affection and white robes. You typically see them tied to art with soft feathers and pretty eyes and rose petals etc etc, but you do not have to be this way to be an angel. You can even see this fact in the very existence of the four horsemen of the apocalypse who are arguably angels themselves. War, death, famine, pestilence, such terrible and heavy things, are embodied and described as angels and not as demons or beasts in most lore and history and yet people wave this fact off as though it never happened that way. This is the fault of the watering down of a powerful entity and writing them off as being here for mankind and this planet, never against it and never imperfect as long as it is “nice” to the eyes and mind of the human. 

I do not experience wings and I do not experience a loving admiration for mankind or necessarily feel at home among them. I prefer being alone over loving a person and I would faster choose a belladonna over a pink rose or a peace lily. These truths, however, do not make me less of an angel in any sense of the word for angel is not defined by an aesthetic and is rather defined by a state of existence and a purpose for being. That purpose is often defined as being a messenger of god according to dictionaries, and If angels are truly messengers of a higher being be it a God or gods or the universe itself, then we are truly veins of the same energy that was the big bang. The same energy that eventually became quarks and photons and electrons and matter which then became stars and planets which became microbial organisms which became human beings and the list goes on and on and on forever and will continue until time tears apart. We are, quite truly, shards of the beginning, the end, and everything in between. So I ask it again, why is there this expectation to be “good”? To love all things like they are family to be a real angel? To make that choice of giving over taking? I would like to combat this notion.

The angel I can think of that is most associated with these qualities is the concept of the guardian angel who is there to protect and love people and keep them somewhat shielded from the hardships and threats of this world. This is often what people so closely tie to the word “angel” in this modern day like people tie Tinkerbell to the fae folk, but this watering down of a being is besides the point. Let us assume guardian angels are entirely real and proven to exist for just a moment. They may seem soft and loving, but these angels are just as powerful as the ones who govern the universe’s balances and ride out the hierarchies of it. They are capable of saving a life and can choose what happens and what doesn’t happen to someone and can prevent the damnation of a soul. Is this not extremely powerful too?

It is foolish to assume that angels are here only to love and protect when these are the same beings who could sit at a gambling table and destroy a life by winning every single match with a fanged grin contrasting against a fancy, seemingly perfect suit and borrowed body. A demon could, in theory, love and protect a human just as much as an angel could and provide great things. If you are in need of convincing, allow me to remind you of Ezekiel’s angels and what they did to mankind. And yet, so often, angels will receive the label “demon” for doing things that lie in the grey or black area of morals when this is untrue as all beings are arguably neutral until proven otherwise. These beings go beyond black and white and cross the entire gradient of colors and shades and reach into the regions of colors that we cannot even see. They often even go above our concepts of good, bad, moral, unethical, and all other senses of the concept.

To get down and dirty and spit out the point: you are an angel if you do not love all people and forgive all creatures. You are an angel if you do. You are an angel if you prey upon the bad. You are an angel if you help them and see beauty and hope in all mortal souls. You are an angel if you feel as old as the big bang and you are an angel if you feel like a brand new soul. You are an angel if you had many lives as a human or if this is your first one. All it takes to be an angel is to be a messenger of “god” and mean that to your core, however you may define that. But do not be mistaken into thinking “angel” means or requires being good and soft and delicate. They are not powerless. They are not cute or inherently pretty. They can burn like fire and rage on like a star, dying in a way that is only comparable to a supernova becoming a black hole just as much as they can be calming and cooling like a gentle spring pool of water. All ways of being an angel are right ways. We exist often for balance and law and justice. Our means of enacting that is our own choice and will always be “good” in our own eyes, as our morals and drives vary.