#kimconfessions

I don’t even know if you’ll ever come across this letter, but if you’re reading this, I hope you’re ready. 

-

I know you’ve been wondering how things went downhill, why things turned out this way, why I wasn’t replying to you anymore, why I suddenly became distant, and why you’re feeling that I left you in the dark  -  alone. Believe me, I understand. It’s not because I was mad at you. I was never mad you, and if you’re wondering if I’m holding any grudges, the answer is NO. I never held any grudge against you because I know you’ve been going through a lot and it would be selfish for me to not take that into consideration. I’m a girl too and I’ve been there at some point in my life. To be honest, more than anything I feel sad for you, and I wish I could be there when you needed me the most, because I was concerned about the things you’d do to yourself when you’re out of control, but things were done for a reason - and learning it the hard way will really make you feel that we left you out. I’m sorry that it had to go that way.

-

Even before I met you, I already heard Ate Gurl say things about you. She gave me, bunso, and your kuya warnings that we should avoid you, such and such - basically making us think that you’re someone untrustworthy and unreliable. I knew some things from your past even before I actually got to know you -  but even so, I never judged you at that moment. That’s not the kind of person I am. I want to get to know the person before I give my opinion. Because I know that whatever anyone say about someone, it’s their opinion, but it doesn’t have to be similar to mine. So when I found out that you and bunso were already dating, which shocked all of us that time, because things happened so quickly, I thought that I should give you a chance to tell me and us your story. To show us who you are. Things went well during the first times we hang out, our inuman sessions and you coming to our rehearsals, I easily felt that I could get along with you, and it made me forget about whatever Ate Gurl has said about you, because as I was getting closer to knowing you, the more that I feel compassionate and concerned about you just like how a big sister treats her younger sibling. Believe me, tinuring kitang kapatid. Kapag nakikita ko kayong masaya ni bunso, masaya din kami ni Dar. I welcomed you in our little family. I introduced you to my friends. We never made you feel left out sa Midnight. Sa lahat ng oras na naghang out tayo and I was listening to your story, I really felt compassionate and I genuinely sympathize with all you’ve been going through. Nakikita ko yung sarili ko sayo, I was just like you before, a girl filled with scars and insecurities, filled with trust issues and inevitable paranoia  - a hopeless case kumbaga. But it never occurred to me that you’ll never recover. I believed you’re not hopeless. If ako nakabangon, naniwala akong magagawa mo din. That’s why I kept pushing you. I kept telling you to be strong. I repeatedly told you that you shouldn’t depend your state of being “okay” to bunso; especially at times when you cannot get a hold of him. What just concerned me is if my advices go through you at all or they just seem to come and pass by without you really absorbing it. 

But that was something I didn’t want to meddle with, because whatever happens in your relationship is between you and him, and I know for a fact that no relationship is perfect -  and we hoped that things will get better for you guys eventually, in those times when you’re having an argument and you turn to us for comfort - me to you, and bunso to your Kuya Dar. We didn’t mind being there for you, because we consider both of you a part of our circle, but the more that we get involved into solving your relationship problems, it affects our lives as well. Did you know that me and Darwin often talk about you guys? Mas pinoproblema pa namin yung problema niyo kaysa sa ibang bagay patungkol sa relationship namin. Hindi namin maintindihan kung bakit hindi nagtatagpo yung mga kwento niyo. Bunso’s version of something that happened is different from what you’ve told me, and it left us confused and caught in the middle. We sometimes don’t know what to do and as a couple we decide that we are not getting involved anymore - hence me not replying to your texts and Dar not replying to Bunso sometimes. Naapektuhan din kami sa sobrang concern namin sa inyo, pero naisip namin na kaya niyo na yan. Kung nakaya niyong pumasok sa relationship, dapat kaya niyong panindigan yung mga decisions niyo, at mas lalong dapat alam niyo kung pano ayusin yung mga problema niyo. Sobrang lala na kasi ng mga nangyari beh. I don’t know if you’re aware of your actions -  I think you do - but whatever happened already happened, damage is done, so all we can do is avoid you, because we don’t know what else can happen in the future. 

As an ate ayokong iwasan ka, but after what happened to my house the night na nalasing ka, I started to feel na maybe you are a hopeless case. And that what you needed is not me nor us tolerating your actions, but for you to realize that when you didn’t have anyone to hold on to, that’s when you’ll start turning to yourself and making yourself as an anchor to get up and start changing ways. 

If ever you don’t recall what happened that night at my house, I’ll give you a recap:

Birthday ng kapatid ko nun. Ininvite ko kayong tatlo nina Dar and Bunso, but Bunso came in late. Nagjamming pa nga tayong tatlo diba habang nagiinuman, at nung lumalim na ang gabi, mas naparami na ang inom mo, at nung dumating na si Bunso, what you were doing was chilling out with some of the guys there, which I think you knew as well. So hinayaan ka lang niya, at hinayaan ka lang namin. And when they left at like 1am, you went to the kitchen and found us three there. You saw bunso playing DOTA on his laptop, and you started to breakdown. Literally you sat on the floor and you didn’t want to get up even when bunso is already pulling you up, and then you kept looking for him even when he’s just right beside you. Nagdrama ka talaga nang bongga. Paulit ulit mong sinasabi na hindi ka na mahal ni bunso, but I saw that he was genuinely concerned for you that night, and even if you’re shouting and kicking our furniture and making A LOT of noise that made my parents awake, we just lengthened our patience because we know that you’re drunk and you didn’t know what you were doing. You hurt bunso’s feelings when he was trying to hug you and talk some sense to you but you’re telling him to shut up. I heard it, because I was the one hugging you and calming you down. I told him that I’ll take care of you because the more that he reached out to you, the more you get agitated and you push him away. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH STRESS AND EXHAUSTION YOU’VE CAUSED US THAT NIGHT. Pero never kong sinumbat sayo lahat ng nangyari, wala kang narinig sakin nung gabing yun o kailanman. Inintindi kita kahit hirap kaming i-handle ka. We were all concerned that you will not get home because no one will let you in your house, and you can’t go to bunso’s house either, so wala kaming choice kundi patulugin kayo sa bahay, kung tutuusin both Dar and Bunso could’ve went home that night, but they didn’t leave with your state being like that, and parents ko narin nagsabi na dun ka na patulugin. BUT IT WAS SO DAMN HARD TO MAKE YOU FALL ASLEEP. Kung alam mo lang yung effort ko para patahanin ka, pakalmahin ka, para sabihin sayo na everything is okay and mahal ka ni bunso, pero hindi ka nakikinig e. Pumunta ka pa sa kusina para humanap ng kutsilyo or whatever na gusto mong gamitin kasi sinabi mong magpapakamatay ka na. 

And I was like, BAKIT? Magpapakamatay ka dahil sa lalaki? Seriously?! BEH, MALING MALI EH. Ilang beses kong pinaalala sayo na may anak ka. Na isipin mo yung magiging future nang anak mo. Bata pa yung anak mo, at kailangan niya ng Nanay. Siguro ngayon narerealize mo na yun, kasi wala na kami - wala na si Bunso. Wala nang kaagaw yung anak mo sa attention mo. Which is dapat matagal mo nang binigay sa kanya. Kung nasa relationship ka, dapat mas matimbang padin sayo si Amanda kaysa sa taong karelasyon mo. Kasi in the end, all you will have is her. Talikuran ka man ng lahat, she’ll be your constant. But that’s just my opinion, hindi ko ijujudge kung pano ka maging Nanay, but I just hope that now you’ll get to spend more time with her and show her how much you love her. 

Nung napatulog na kita that night, kami ni Bunso hindi makatulog. I asked him what will happen next, and he told me that he really needed a break. Matagal na niya daw yung nararamdaman, actually. Whenever you end up being like that, na sasabihin mo sa kanyang magpapakamatay ka, pakiramdam niya binablackmail mo sya at ginagamit mo yung rason na magpapakamatay ka para hindi ka niya iwan. Napakaunfair beh. Napakaselfish. Kasi naiipit siya sa sitwasyong hindi siya makapagdesisyon. Yun ang nararamdaman niya. Naiipit siya kasi pakiramdam niya iniipit mo siya. Gusto niyang tulungan ka. Mahal ka naman nun e. Kaso nahihirapan din siya kapag nakikita ka niyang ayaw mong tulungan ang sarili mo. Pagkakamali lang niya is, hindi niya sinabi sayo ng harapan. Iniwasan ka niya kaya you felt clueless sa mga nangyayari. Alam ko unfair din yun, pero di ko naman kontrol ang utak ni bunso, at yun ang pinili niyang gawin. At tsaka beh, hindi lang naman siya yung concerened sayo. Kami din. At alam kong pamilya mo din concerned sayo. Di naman kami nagkulang ng paalala sayo. Pero sana maintindihan mo din na hindi sa lahat ng oras, hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon na down na down ka ay may makakapitan kang iba. Kailangan kahit magisa ka lang, kaya mong maging okay. Kaya mong maging masaya kahit ikaw lang. Kaso paulit ulit mo ngang sinasabi na hindi. It’s time na matutunan mo yun kahit kami pa ang mawala sayo. From what I can see, masyado ka talagang nabulag sa obssession mo kay Bunso na hindi mo nakikita yung mga taong nageeffort para tulungan ka. Yes, obssessed ka sa kanya. Sana by now narealize mo na din yun. Masyado kang hinila pababa ng sinasabi mong ‘pagmamahal’ na pati sarili mo hindi mo na pinahahalagahan. 

Masakit ba akong magsalita? Pasensya na, kailangan mong marinig eh. Ako yung tipo nang kapatid na sasampalin ka ng mga salita ko para magising ka. HIndi mo maririnig sakin ang mga bagay na gusto mong marinig, pero maririnig mo sakin yung mga kailangan mo talagang pagisipan dahil para din naman sayo yun. Pero nasasayo padin kung makikinig ka o hindi. Sino ba naman ako diba? Siguro tinatanong mo, bakit hindi ko sinabi sayo ng harapan? Bakit hindi kita kinausap? Bakit ngayon ko lang sinasabi to? Beh. Masayadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Diba sa mga huli kong messages sayo, sabi ko bigyan mo nang space si Bunso? Pero sinabi mo din na gagawa ka ng paraan para bumalik ang loob sayo ni Bunso. Hindi ko naman alam na sa gig namin mo gagawin. Ineexpect naming pupunta ka, pero nakay bunso padin ang desisyon kung kakausapin ka ba niya o hinde. Ang sabi sakin ni Alyssa, may dala ka daw cake at gusto mong magusap kayo ni Bunso, at nakatayo ka daw sa labas bago kami magstart. Hindi ko magawang puntahan ka kasi magsstart na kami, nakikita kita sa likod habang nagpeperform kami, pero si Bunso mukha talagang ayaw niya. Ganun kasi yun beh, the more na pinipilit mo yung sarili mo sa isang tao na ayaw kang makausap o makita, the more na lalayo yung loob nya. And the more na gusto kitang yayain papunta sa harap, magiging awkward naman diba. Tsaka kasi problema niyo nga yang magjowa. Ayaw naming makielam nung gabing yun. Pero di naman namin ineexpect na iinom ka ng lason. Beh, isa na namang napakaunfair at napakaselfish na desisyon. Alam mo bang 12:30 palang kina-cut na yung gig namin ni Kuya Bayani kasi sabi niya uminom ka na daw ng kemikal? Tapos tinawag si Bunso sa office, tapos nung natapos ako kumanta, tinawag din ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko beh eh. Awa? Inis? I can’t even explain it. Hindi ko din naman magawang magalit kasi alam ko yung pinagdadaanan mo pero beh naman, kahit mga staff ng Panciteria nagalala sayo nung gabing yun. Kailangan talaga dun gumawa ng eksena?  Hindi namin natapos yung gig namin. Sobrang napapa WTF nalang kami sa lahat. 

That was like the moment I realized na Tama na. Sobra na to. 

Alam mo plano ko makipagkita sayo after nung gig e. If things turned out well that night, naexplain ko pa sayo ng harapan kung bakit nakipaghiwalay si Bunso sayo. Pero ayoko na talagang makielam. Sinasabi mo sakin na kausapin ko siya, na kumbinsihin siyang makipagbalikan, pero kasi beh, kung ayaw niya, ayaw niya talaga. Hindi ko siya mapipilit. Hindi mo din kasi matanggap yun eh. You can’t seem to accept the fact na hiniwalayan ka na niya. Ang hirap. Napakahirap saming lahat na involved. 

Di ko maintindihan bakit mo ako kailangang iblock sa lahat ng social media, pero if that would help you heal and focus on yourself, then so be it. Nakita ko yung DM mo sakin sa twitter, and before I could even reply, you blocked me there too. Kaya dito nalang kita rereplyan sa tumblr ko. This letter is me testifying my truths and what I’ve felt about all that has happened. Kahit papaano pinahalagahan ko yung mga times na pinagsamahan natin. Maniwala ka man o hindi, naging totoo ako sayo. I was genuinely concerned about you and your well-being and more than anything, I wish that you would find time for yourself - alone. I also wish na marealize mo na there’s more to life than just being centralized on one person. And most importantly, I hope you learned that nothing is permanent, but at the end of the day, all you will have is yourself to pick you up. Mahalin mo ang sarili mo beh, para pag dumating ang araw na may nanakit ulit sayo at sa damdamin mo, hindi mo iisipin na kulang ka, na laging ikaw ang may kasalanan. Hindi mo sisisihin ang sarili mo kung umalis man sila; at hindi mo din hahanapin sa iba ang kakulangang nararamdaman mo. Hindi ka responsibilidad ng kahit sino, that’s why you should know how to carry yourself well. 

Everyone has a choice. People choose to stay or leave, but no matter what happens, I hope that you always choose to live and love again. Like I always tell you, mahalaga ang buhay mo. And I wish the best for you, always. 

I want to make things clear.

I was struggling all this time to tell you or anyone how I truly feel. Because I fear that no one will believe me and understand me. I fear of judgment and betrayal. But now, now that I’m crushed into pieces, I see that there’s no point anymore to hide what’s inside, because I don’t trust anyone anymore -so here’s my truth.

From the moment you first broke my heart and trust the first Christmas I came here, I knew I’ve changed, and so did our relationship. I really wanted to break things between us, but I loved you so much and I wanted to prove to all especially to that girl that I am the one you chose. That we will be strong after all. That we will overcome this. That even if we’re apart I still had that faith in us. And so I did everything just to keep her away - and I succeeded. We’ve kept our relationship strong for a while. But while we’re still together, I know that the scar is already there. I became paranoid. I became so fearful that one day it’ll happen again. I have changed a lot. It became so hard for me to trust anyone even myself. I fear of giving everything and showing my true self to anyone, because I fear of getting hurt again. But I took everything aside, swallowed my fear, and continued life so I will be okay. I put on a mask that nobody knew was there, because if not, I’m afraid of what would’ve happened to me long time ago.

“What makes him Darwin?”

I wanted to tell him a lot, because he is such an amazing and unique person that just passed through my life and made a huge mark on me. I can’t believe that we would be as close as what we are right now; nevertheless, I have no regrets.

So, going back to the question…

He is that curly haired guy who despite our different beliefs, outlooks in life, and goals, we somehow click, and we are very fond of each other. It’s like there’s a connection between us that both of us can’t get rid of. It brings us closer and that’s what helps us understand each other even more deeply.