#killingstyles

but the band itself is more than just a boyband and i feel really uncomfortable when people assume stuff about them because they're a boyband 

they were sort of a phase for me but they were more than that.

i liked them or rather loved them when my grandfather was in the hospital dying

my mother came home and yelled at me about everything, my grades were dropping, i was losing all of my best friends. i was bullied all the time because i liked them and they were seen as a stupid boyband and all i could think about was someday meeting harry styles and falling in love (as dumb as that sounds he was my escape) maybe then i could be happy and escape the rejection i was feeling 99% of the time. 

i had another friend back then and we talked a lot and he was pretty much there for me better than anyone else. im pretty sure subconciously somewhere in their harry styles was just replacing my friend who was unavailable due to his girlfriend and the fact that he wasn't interested in me at all. 

and then my grandfather died and they were all i had 

i watched one direction videos and talked to annamaria and unnamed friend and honestly them and one direction saved my life. they made me smile when I felt like nothiing was going right. i was depressed, i was upset, and they weren't going anywhere. 

in the end, panic at the disco weened me off obsessing over them.. actually the pretty. odd album did. today, annamaria and i don't really talk as much which really bugs me and i haven't spoken with friend since right before my birthday back in november.. now it's nearing the anniversary of my grandfather's death and i kind of feel like i need them again. all of them. all of it. it's returning to me and i feel the magic that i once felt watching x factor videos

i actually just cried while watching Torn from Xfactor because of all the panic attacks that were swept away by it... and all the memories of last year that came swarming back to me...just like all those "years in the future posts" that directioners would sometimes post on tumblr..... how you're in the car one day and you hear WMYB and suddenly memories are back

i did have a one direction blog at one time and since i'm tagging this i might as well say that my blog was withasideofcarrots.tumblr.com and later on aviatorsandcocacola.tumblr.com it's deleted now.. sometimes i regret deleting it.. my twitter's still up though

it's unused

but the tweets are there

the memories from staying up late listening to Radio disney so there's some shadow of a chance that i might get tickets to see One Direction and meet them in LA... my old profile pic on facebook that is literally me beaming because of niall's solo in viva la vida

that's me