#kilie

you’ve been on my mind a lot recently. with so many thoughts, it’s hard to find the right words to say much of anything. sometimes i’m happy to remember, while other times i long for what was. but i have to remind myself that progress and coping aren’t linear. and that that’s okay.

i’ve been anxious about today, because i keep wanting to reach out and just wish you a happy birthday. but between a million conflicting thoughts and memories and feelings, i couldn’t do it. and maybe that’s for the best. but maybe this will find you somehow, anyway, and maybe this is the right way to do it.

i read some of our old messages last night, and i’m starting to understand a bit more. not only was there physical distance, but emotional distance started growing quite awhile before, too. i didn’t really recognize it, and i tried to ease your concerns. it seems like it worked sometimes, but it kept nagging, and after i had to leave you again, it seems that the nagging voice was too loud to drown out. that feelings of endearment and stability, were replaced with feelings of guilt and fear. i know these feelings well, myself, but i didn’t want to believe they could happen to you. and as a result, i wasn’t able to be what you needed. while i’m not sure i have this figured out quite right, but if i have or if it’s close, i’m not really sure anything could have been done to prevent the eventual fallout. with or without your consent, a decision was made, and i’m sorry that early on, i failed to respect that, and in the process, i failed to respect you.

i fear that there may still a chance that guilt resides within your heart when i come across your mind. i also fear the chance that there may be a few too many reminders of me, as well. if these things are the case, then i may have a small present for you on this day, as well as a small request. the present is that i’m doing okay. and i mean it. i do miss you, that much is true, but i am finding my peace. i am coming to terms with things (even if it’s not the first time for some of these things), and the memories i hold of you are held fondly. i’m learning a bit more about you with time, and i’m understanding more about myself through the process and through my own new experiences, as well. and i am finally starting to process and let go of the guilt that i’ve been holding with respect to you and hiding from myself for so long. and this brings me to my request. if you do still hold any guilt with respect to me, please allow yourself to process this, cope, and find your own peace.

i don’t really have much more to say. i truly hope you have an amazing birthday. i hope you got to go home. i hope you got twenty-four delicious cupcakes with all the cake and frosting combinations. i hope that in your heart, you have come to be at some level of peace.

and no matter what, more than anything, i hope that you’re doing okay. please be doing okay.

and that’s it for now.