#kibbys therapy

i tried really hard to make friends online, but it felt like actually talking to people went nowhere, that was till i met someone that was really into me, we even briefly dated for a time. that is until my parents ended up finding out that she is trans, and ended up being really clear that they would not support me if i had any other queer relationships.

i basically made it a vow not to interact with others in general in a way that made us get to become friends after that, because i wouldnt wanna get in a relationship with people that i really love that could get me excommunicated from people i really love and considering how hard it was to communicate to other anyway i thought id be really easy to do,

my emotions are very childlike, with childish responses especially with negative emotions

of course im mostly still into childish interests

and in alot of ways i do wanna still feel and act like a teen or even a kid at times, and in alot of ways i wanna treated like one too

hi everyone!! theres a new tag incase you do or dont wanna see my mental health related posts, its called #kibbys therapy!! ill be doing all my vents there so please feel to block if it gets triggering. ill also be putting past posts under this tag thank you!!

for those who dont know, rsd, or rejection sensitive dysphoria is a neurodivergent symptom, in which any sense of perceived criticism can cause overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions. key word is perceived, because neurodivergent people can't perceive alot of social cues, it often happens completely unintentionally. so most of the time, it isn't really anyones fault, but really, what i wanna talk about is just how visceral and unexpected it can all feel.

i knew i had it for a while, but last year really was the year in which i felt it the most frequently. and in so many different areas too. friends talk to other people? they must be tired of me and i shouldn't disturb them. i get less likes on a post than i was expecting? that means that the world hates me and i need to retreat. made a comment that made someone feel negatively? oh god they must hate me, they shouldnt have to put up with me. that kind of thinking is everywhere with rsd, and its caused me to retreat socially in alot of cases. and the feeling of pain doesn't go away, it sticks with you for hours and possibly days. and beyond the short term affects, long term its also damaging, i've definitely become a people pleasure thanks to rsd, making sure to keep my feelings inside to not cause conflict.

i think the worst moment i had with rsd last year though was something in which, I was the problem. I was working with some people on a project, and working long hours on this project really made me tired mentally. but beyond that i was someone who was neurodivergent and had trouble communicating and understanding people. so what happened was there were moments where i needed help understanding completely or just had to speak up for myself, maybe even curious about how things worked, and i was repeatedly shut down, alot of the times yelled at for needing that extra help and understanding. and because i wanted the project to succeed and i didn't want people to have any further issues, i just followed along and left all of my feelings inside. it made people less emotional for sure and made the project succeed, but it left me emotionally fucked up. i felt like reaching out to others would hurt me rather than help me. it made me never wanna work with anyone ever again in fear that i could hurt them.