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One day I’d like to find a community of people who won’t abandon me. Or even just one friend. I’m so tired of never being able to trust anyone or anything. It’s very hard to tell yourself that your paranoia is just paranoia when it’s proven correct over and over and over again.
I just miss having friends to talk to.
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I'll be here just living my life and all of a sudden RSD hits me like a fucking train 🙃
The game-changer : "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: A CBT-Based Workbook for Overcoming Rejection Sensitivity, Self-Criticism, and Emotional Reactivity in ADHD" on Amazon.
It's not a fluffy self-help book. It's a structured, sequential workbook that walks you through: challenging distorted automatic thoughts, practicing emotion regulation strategies, developing assertiveness, and — crucially — building self-compassion instead of the brutal self-criticism we ADHD folks are so good at.
🙃🙃🙃 I hate RSD soooooo much 🙃🙃🙃
rsd fucking sucks, I know my brain is being super irrational over something so miniscule and I feel so stupid for crying over my boss asking me to not use the microphone for singing class because there were comments from the ED and one of the seniors thinking I was putting on a concert (I'm not, this whole class is basically just leading the residents in a sing along😭)
For context, I only use it on a specific day (literally once a month) when we have a pianist come in and it's hard for the residents to hear my voice leading them over the piano and it also helps me avoid straining my voice which is super important especially if I have a show later that night.
And I'm fine with not using it anymore, I'll just have to be careful when we have that class from now on, but damn why the fuck did my brain react to this like I got publicly humiliated in front of a million people, it's not that serious, brain 😭
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we got to talk about rsd more.
for those who dont know, rsd, or rejection sensitive dysphoria is a neurodivergent symptom, in which any sense of perceived criticism can cause overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions. key word is perceived, because neurodivergent people can't perceive alot of social cues, it often happens completely unintentionally. so most of the time, it isn't really anyones fault, but really, what i wanna talk about is just how visceral and unexpected it can all feel.
i knew i had it for a while, but last year really was the year in which i felt it the most frequently. and in so many different areas too. friends talk to other people? they must be tired of me and i shouldn't disturb them. i get less likes on a post than i was expecting? that means that the world hates me and i need to retreat. made a comment that made someone feel negatively? oh god they must hate me, they shouldnt have to put up with me. that kind of thinking is everywhere with rsd, and its caused me to retreat socially in alot of cases. and the feeling of pain doesn't go away, it sticks with you for hours and possibly days. and beyond the short term affects, long term its also damaging, i've definitely become a people pleasure thanks to rsd, making sure to keep my feelings inside to not cause conflict.
i think the worst moment i had with rsd last year though was something in which, I was the problem. I was working with some people on a project, and working long hours on this project really made me tired mentally. but beyond that i was someone who was neurodivergent and had trouble communicating and understanding people. so what happened was there were moments where i needed help understanding completely or just had to speak up for myself, maybe even curious about how things worked, and i was repeatedly shut down, alot of the times yelled at for needing that extra help and understanding. and because i wanted the project to succeed and i didn't want people to have any further issues, i just followed along and left all of my feelings inside. it made people less emotional for sure and made the project succeed, but it left me emotionally fucked up. i felt like reaching out to others would hurt me rather than help me. it made me never wanna work with anyone ever again in fear that i could hurt them.
and i don't blame anyone for being mad at me really! people have their own issues outside of talking and working, and it just comes out. but dammit, i just wish people could be kinder and be more understanding when i fuck up. so if you know someone who is neurodivergent. please give them grace when they mess up. i mean you should in general, but for neurodivergent people it can feel like the end of the world. and for neurodivergent people, please be kind to yourself, its hard to exist let alone thrive, and every day is always going to present a struggle socially. just know that it really isn't your fault, things are just hard.
Does the phrase Can we talk?' make you panic?
Future ADHD
the air gets punched out of the room by a single word. a perceived tone of voice. a text that wasn't answered. a look that lasted a second too long. it’s not just sadness; it’s a full-system catastrophic shutdown. a seismic rejection alarm blaring in a brain that feels everything too much, too fast, too deep. it’s a visceral, electric pain that screams you are fundamentally wrong, unlovable, and an irredeemable failure. all evidence to the contrary evaporates. logic is a country you have been forcibly deported from. you are left raw and flayed in the storm of your own nervous system. but that alarm can be disarmed. the storm can be weathered in a safe harbor. and that harbor is a notebook. this is where psychotherapeutic journaling becomes an act of emergency self-preservation and long-term emotional rewiring. it’s the barrier between the initial sting and the spiral. this is your emotional airbag. the moment the RSD crash hits, you don’t have to spiral in the void of your own mind. you can crash onto the page. write the jagged, raw, unfiltered pain. “He hates me.” “I’m a joke.” “I will never be good enough.” get it out of your body and onto something solid. the page can absorb the shrapnel so your soul doesn’t have to. this is your reality-testing station. after the initial wave, you become the investigator. you will take the catastrophic thought—“They are angry at me and I have ruined everything”—and you will cross-examine it. “What is the actual evidence?” “What are five other, more likely, explanations for that person’s behavior?” “What would I tell my best friend if they said this?” you are manually reinstalling the logic that the RSD glitch deleted. you are gathering the proof of your own worth, one rational thought at a time. this is your pattern-recognition software. you will log these episodes. what triggered it? what was the situation? what were the physical sensations? over time, the journal reveals it’s not random. it’s a predictable, manageable pattern. you see the triggers coming. you see the wave forming. and forewarned is forearmed. this is your archive of worth. on the good days, you will write down the wins. the compliments. the moments of connection. the things you are proud of. you are building a documented, irrefutable body of evidence against the RSD’s lies. when the crash comes, you can literally turn back the pages and be reminded: “This is a feeling. It is not the truth. The truth is right here, in my own handwriting.” the journal becomes the unconditional witness. it holds the immense, overwhelming, “too-much-ness” of your feelings without flinching, without judging, without abandoning you. it validates the pain without validating the catastrophic narrative. this isn't about stopping the sensitivity. it's about building a fortress around it. it's about honoring the deep feeler you are, while giving that part of you the tools to survive the world. this is the battle cry. the RSD tries to convince you that you are unlovable. the journal is the living, breathing, page-by-page proof that you are learning, fiercely, to love yourself through the storm. you are not broken. you are a deeply feeling person building a lifeboat out of paragraphs and self-compassion. you are winning your emotional truth back. _______ A Superb and Must have Recovery Tool from RSD
