#kfanfic

Enough was enough. The gifts were endearing but soon your co-workers would have questions. You stormed into your boss office, because you could.

“Mr.Kim I’m going to have to ask you to stop sending those gifts.”

Woobin looked up from his computer screen. “Mr.Kim?” He he shut his computer, leaned back in his chair giving you his full attention. “Why are you being so formal with me?” 

“Your my boss at work it’s called work etiquette Mr.Kim, you should try it.” 

“You didn’t seem to care about work etiquette at the New Years office party.” 

Your face flushed at the snipe and he had a point you didn’t hold back at all that night. It was  epic, explosive, orgasmic, but mostly unforgettable for the both of you. Hence the overwhelming gifts on your birthday..

 “It was one night Mr. Kim it should be filed away and forgotten.” 

“And what if I don’t want to forget?” He asked “What if I want another night?” 

What if your just toying with me. The thought tumbled threw your brain. Why would somebody like Kim Woobin want a woman like me. The truth is simple he wouldn’t. He’s probably tired of his usual women and decided to slum it for a while. 

“There can’t be another night Mr.Kim” He stood, walked around his desk and towards the door where you were currently standing.

 “Why not?” He asked standing so close all you had to do was reach out a hand to touch him. When you didn’t respond he asked “What are you afraid of?” Everything. “Nothing, I just don’t think it’s the smartest thing to do... again”

Woobin stared at you quietly assessing your facial features then cursed under his breath. “Your lying and it pisses me off” He grabbed you by the back of your neck and pressed his lips to yours. 

You fought at first, struggled to get out of his grip but then he did this thing where he used the tip of his tongue to trace the inside of your of your bottom lip. You melted into him pressing your body into his, entwining your finger in his hair. He pressed you into the wall, trapping you before pulling his lips away from yours. 

“You lied to me” he ground out nipping your ear “Dammit, tell me why you don’t want this?” He used the flat of his tongue and swept it across your neck  before gently sucking on it tearing a moan from your throat. 

“Why don’t you want us?” 

His last question gave you pause. You pushed at his chest, he gave you space accordingly. “What us?” You ask puzzled, running your hands through your hair. “I’m so confused, you’re confusing.” You pointed at him.

“How am I the confusing one?” Woobin leaned against his desk. “One minute you say you we shouldn’t hook up again, then as soon a I touch you. . .” He didn’t have to finish his thought because you already knew. You blew up, all Kim Woobin had to do was light a match and BOOM. 

“Because” you said exasperatingly “You’re you and I’m me, we’re like oil and water.” 

“More like lighter fluid and matches. Babe, your’re making excuses.” 

“I’m not” you protested stomping your foot. “and don’t call me babe.”

Woobin chuckled at you tantrum, you were so cute standing there with your  fist balled up in black work pants, and your disheveled blue button up shirt. Didn’t even notice all her top buttons are undone. He bit back another laugh “come here.” he held out a hand for you to take, when you didn’t take his offered hand he scowled. “Come here or I’ll come to you again.” 

You didn’t know if you could take another make out session so you advanced to him heedfully. Placing your hand into his he pulled you into his spreed legs, he wrapped his arms around your waist. he held you like that silently for a few minutes. 

“I want you exclusively (Y/N)” Woobin spoke softly. “I thought if I showered you with gifts you’d want me back.” You sighed resting your head on his chest. You took a deep breath inhaling his scent. Time to put my big girl pants on. 

“I do want you Woobin” His first named sounded unfamiliar because you’d never called him that except for that one night. “But I am kinda scared to be with you, to be seen with you.” 

This time Woobin took a deep breath bracing himself for rejection. “Why?” He felt compelled to ask. 

“Woobin” god I just love saying his name. “You’re this big shot CEO and I’m your employee. You have nothing to lose while I could lose everything , my heart included.” 

Woobin let out a breath of relief, you weren’t rejecting him... yet. “You sell yourself short babe.” He kissed your lips lightly then your forehead. He rested his chin on your head “Can we start slow?” 

“I’d like that.” You responded.

“Let me take you out to dinner tonight (Y/N)” he tipped your chin up with his thumb. Looking into your eyes he waited for your answer. “This is by far the most reasonable gift you’ve offered me today.” 

“So it’s a date?” 

How else was he supposed to react? He spent the entire 8 hours with a billion thoughts running through his mind incessantly. Sure, he constantly showered you with affection, occasionally slipping in some pick up lines, and flirting ceaselessly but he never believed that you would ever reciprocate those same feelings... or even come close to the point of potentially realizing how you felt. A hopeful dream was what it was and the only way to prevent heartbreak was to prioritize his aspirations to become a swimmer. 

Regardless of that... he’d been in love with you for over a decade, so what does this mean now?

You confessed to his sleeping body, or well— “sleeping.” Does he tell you that he heard everything you said? Would that be too much? It felt like he was eavesdropping on a conversation he shouldn’t have listened in on, even if you were saying it directly to him. But you said those things unfiltered, assuming that he wouldn’t hear anything.

Chewing his bottom lip with his brows wrinkled, he pondered in silence as your body beside him is shifting constantly under the covers, switching in different positions. Edges of his mouth twitching into a soft smile at the sight of you, he runs his fingers through his messy locks, finally coming to a decision.

Jungkook is going to take this opportunity to tell you that he loves you. The proper way, of course, since technically he isn’t supposed to know about your confession. He’s going to make up for what happened with what should have happened.

“You’re awake?” You grumble, voice husky. He chuckles at the sound, pinching your cheek gently. “Yeah, been awake for a while. Getting up any time soon?”

Shaking your head, you drop your face back into the pillow, muffling your words. “I just wanna sleep all day. Did you have any plans for today?” 

He hums a moment in thought, glancing over at you. “I didn’t initially, but I think we should do something today. Did you have anything in mind that you want to do lately?”

Turning your head, you glare at your best friend. “You’re the one who wants to go somewhere.”

“True but I wanted to give you the option to pick.”

Rolling your eyes, you purse your lips in response. “Let’s get pizza and go to the beach.”

“Beach?”

“Yeah, you said you wanted to give me an option to pick. I heard it’s going to be nice and hot outside, and if you’re not letting me stay indoors in the amazing AC, you’re taking me to the beach to cool down.”

“Sassy,” He says, pushing a strand of your hair away from your face and behind your ear. “But okay. We can do that. I’m down for it.”

“Just us two?”

“Just us two.” You liked the sound of that.

The sun barely pecks your skin in the morning but it’s noon now, and the sun hates you. Toes digging into the sand as Jungkook leads to find a spot to put the umbrella, you’re weeping from the heat under your feet and the sun scorching your skin.

“Jungkook, I’m fucking melting.”

“Yes miss, we are all melting in this heat. We are all bitches to the sun right now.”

You’re grumbling, dragging your legs with you as you fix the straps on the duffle bag that sits as a crossbody on your frame. “Jeon, hurry up and pick a spot before I become one with the sand!”

“Quit being such a drama queen.” He rolls his eyes playfully, finally deciding on a spot that wasn’t too far from the water but wasn’t close enough to be swept in by the tide. “This seems like a good spot.”

“It only took months.” He flicks your forehead. “I said quit it, drama queen.”

After sticking the umbrella into the sand and setting up the rest of the necessities for the day, you throw your body onto the mat, groaning loudly in relief that the tasks had been completed. “I enjoy this, other than the sun burning my skin before I even got the chance to put on sunscreen.”

“You’re still in your denim shorts and T-shirt,” Jungkook comments, now shirtless with just his swim trunks on. “That’s why you’re sweating like that. Hurry and get ready, I’ll put sunblock on you.” Abiding by his instruction, you strip yourself from the shirt that clings to your body in sweat and the thick shorts that absorbed most of the sun’s heat. Left in your bikini, you turn yourself around to lay on the mat.

His breath hitches again— it seems to be a common reaction from him lately to anything that has to do with you. He wishes he could press butterfly kisses against your soft and supple skin but he shakes away the urges before squirting some of the sunscreen in his hands and rub your back.

“Hold on.” You say and he pauses, hands stopping in midair. Your arm reaches around to your back, pulling the strands of your black bikini to unravel, exposing more of your back and he clears his throat when he loses control of his breathing patterns. “What are you doing? We’re in public.”

“Tan lines,” you respond casually, resting your cheek on a folded towel. “Go on.”

Jungkook felt like he was having an inner argument with himself. Everything you did was almost in a teasing manner, and especially with the newfound knowledge that you’re in love with him— he can’t help but find you even more attractive than before. Maybe he was delusional, but he was starting to feel like you were doing this on purpose.

“Thanks.” Retying your top, you turn yourself around to lay on your back, lathering the lotion onto the front portions of your body. “You want me to do yours?”

“No.” He quickly replies, face flushed pink. The thought of your hands touching his skin... he didn’t think he’d be able to handle it. Realizing how suspicious he sounded, he corrects himself. “I mean, no... I’m okay.”

Wrapping your fingers around his wrist, you tighten your grasp before pulling him onto the mat and forcing him to lay on his stomach, squirting a decent amount of the product onto your hands. He’s groaning at the sudden impact, face pressed against the toughness of the mat, rubbing his face with his hand. “What was that for?”

“You’re just being so weird today.” Applying the sunscreen onto his back, you move in motions as his body tenses under your touch. “Can you just relax? You’re starting to be even more weird. Weirder than usual.”

“Weirder than usual?” He reiterates, words a bit muffled from his cheek being crushed. “I’m not being weird.”

“Yes, you are.” You retort sternly, slapping his lower back to insinuate your completion of the task. “All morning. You said you slept, but I can tell you didn’t because well... look at your eyebags! Jeon, what’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t worry about it! Let’s enjoy the day.” He says, finishing up the rest of his body before giving you a wave and jumping into the water.

Jungkook is and always will be insufferable.

Your favorite part of any beach trip is when the sun begins to set, the breeze from the ocean kicking in, and the fragrance of the salty sea is inhaled into your lungs, bringing you a sense of peace and tranquility. The best view along with this is Jungkook, who sits in the sand, feet and lower half of his body submerged in the water, enjoying the weather. The top of the evening was that both your stomachs are full with pizza for dinner.

Standing up from the little area that the two of you had made for yourselves, you invite yourself into a spot beside your best friend, resting your head on his shoulder. “This is nice. The weather, the water, just us. We haven’t had this in a while.”

Turning his head to glance at you, a soft smile appears on his lips. “We’re always together.”

“Not alone, not like this.” You sigh, fingers drawing shapes along the sand. “We’re usually with someone. Your team, Yura... anyone, really. I miss when it’s just the two of us. It feels like you’re afraid to actually be alone with me or something.”

“We have sleepovers though, what about that?”

“Do we ever really talk during movies? Then we sleep right after.”

Lately, it had occurred to you that despite all this “time” that you had been spending with Jungkook wasn’t really any time. Lunch had been inhabited by engaging with girls who crushed on Jungkook, and the remaining times were dedicated to socializing with Yura and his teammates. Movie nights were great, but silence would burden the room, and afterwards, he’d be too tired from a swim meet that he would fall asleep instantaneously. There was no more ‘you and Jungkook’ time. It felt like only just you.

“I guess... I really never thought of it like that.” He admits, fingers threading through his dampen locks. He senses the tenderness in your voice at the topic, a tightening feeling in his chest knowing that he’s the one making you feel this way. “I never paid attention to any of that. Did you feel that way for a while?”

“It’s alright though, just something I have to get used to.” Tearing your head off his shoulder, you lay your body completely onto the sand. “Sometimes I forget that we’re not together. It’s hard because there’s...” Sucking in a deep breath of courage, you continue. “... there’s a fine line between friendship and relationship. That’s why I didn’t want to... you know, have sex again. It felt as though you only wanted to do this because of sex.”

“What?” He interjects immediately, head snapping in your direction. “That’s crazy. I wanted to do it again because I was afraid I ruined it for you.”

“I thought I told you it was good enough!”

“But ‘good enough’ isn’t good enough for me. I love you, and I want to make you feel good, I want to make you feel what you’re worth, and that it wasn’t just some deployment to get rid of our virginities. I meant what I said, I really wanted to give mine to you.”

“Jungkook, you know I love you too. But don’t you want to do it with someone else?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t think you know what it means when I say that I love you.”

Furrowing your brows questioningly, you prop your head onto your arm. “What are you talking about.”

Sighing frustratedly at himself, he positions his body down completely beside yours, head resting on top of his forearm. “I’m in love with you. I thought that you’d never feel the same way about me. I know you thought I was sleeping last night, but I heard what you said.”

Your body is stunned rigid. Jungkook doesn’t stop. “You were my best friend since grade school, and I enjoyed every minute I got to spend with you. Truthfully, I think the time I started to fall for you was when we hit early high school and I realized that guys were chasing you. I never noticed it before, but seeing it then sparked a fire in me. I hated every one of them, even if they were a friend. Then again, who was I to tell these people that they couldn’t have you? I didn’t even have the guts to tell you how much I love you.”

Mouth agape, you inhale deeply. “I... you heard me last night?”

“Of course. I just... didn’t know how to react because what if I make you uncomfortable?”

“Uncomfortable? You’ve vomited, farted, and took a shit in the bathroom as I was showering, and now you’re worried if I’m uncomfortable?” Sitting up with sand sticking to your skin, you ignore the discomfort and lock your gaze with his. “Jungkook, I really meant what I said last night. I... didn’t think you’d ever like me back because you seemed like you weren’t interested in any relationship, honestly.”

“And I meant what I said when I told you that you’re the only girl in my life.”

Lips pursed in the reticence, you dig your toes into the ground, hesitant about speaking. “What does this make us now?” 

Hair pushed back from swimming earlier and cheeks flushed pink from either being sunburned or from finally confessing his feelings for you, he watches your actions. “Would you like to be my girlfriend?”

Everything is marginally outlandish on Monday morning after spending almost every waking moment with Jungkook over the weekend since the confession. There had been heated kisses, multiple cuddling sessions, and deep conversations that lasted through the hours of the night until one of you fell into a deep slumber.

But Monday morning? This means that the time together will include other people. Maybe less PDA, sure, but the thought of people finally knowing that the two of you were an item was... exhilarating, and if you were being forthright, you wanted to show off to the entire school population who Jungkook belonged to.

He’s standing outside of your house, waiting patiently with his car grunting after the start, leaning against the hood with a bright grin spread across his face. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“You look beautiful today.” You think he looks cute smiling cheekily like this. He actually looks like an idiot in other people’s eyes because of how dorky he is.

“I look like this everyday.”

“I know. That just means you’re beautiful everyday.”

Clicking your tongue at the cheesy comment, you make your way down the steps of your front porch as he opens the passenger door for you. “Well, this is new. You’ve never done this before?”

“I’ve also never had a real serious girlfriend before, and here we are.”

“If I knew what I was signing up for, I don’t think I would’ve agreed to this.” He’s in the driver’s seat at this moment, eyes still darting hearts in your direction as he gives your nose a gentle peck. “I’m just happy you’re mine now.”

“So... I take it as you told him you love him?” Yura’s doing the thing where she’s stuffing food in her mouth as she talks, but this time it’s some type of Japanese bread she raves about. “Yura... you’re getting bread all over my desk.”

She rolls her eyes in response, showing you her hand before swiping the crumbs off the surface. “Done-zo. So what now? You guys are dating? Are you going to be one of those girls who will wear their boyfriend’s varsity jacket all around the school? Possibly flaunting that you were able to claim the untouchable Jeon Jungkook?”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“No, you’re not being dramatic enough. What? How long has he been head over heels for you and you had no clue? Not even an ounce?”

“A decade?”

“A fucking decade, my dude. Don’t you just want to show off your new relationship because you’ve waited so long for this moment?”

Pulling off a piece of Yura’s bread, you shove some in her mouth. “Stop talking please, this is so embarrassing.”

“What’s so embarrassing about it?” She accidentally spits a bit of the bread in your face as you scrunch your nose in disgust, wiping off your cheek. “Yura!”

“Sorry. Anyway, what’s so embarrassing about it? You’re acting like he’s some guy who has done bad things and you were desperate enough to settle for a loser. This is your best friend, a potential professional swimmer, who is now your boyfriend. What’s up?”

“I’m kind of scared that all these girls are going to hate me now.” Yura scoffs at your response, shoving the remaining portion of bread in your direction. “You need some sweetness in your morning if you’re going to have such negative thoughts this early in the day.”

“And what about you? Didn’t you also say you had some crush on a guy?”

She waves her hand in dismissal, grabbing another piece of the carb. “He’s my brother’s best friend, not even an arms reach. Let’s switch the topic back to you, though.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore!” You grunted. “Well, too bad because Mr. Stole-Your-Heart is walking here now.”

Shooting your head around, you’re met with a beaming Jungkook with his swimming duffle slung over his shoulder as Hoseok trails behind. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“We keep greeting like this.”

“So we have.”

“Am I missing something here?” Hoseok impedes into the conversation, perplexity written all over his face. “Why are you guys talking like you haven’t been friends for years now?”

“Well,” Yura begins, eying the male. “They haven’t been dating for years so it’s still fresh. Hence the awkwardness.”

“Wait— you’re dating each other?” Appalled, he stumbles onto a desk behind him, hand over his chest. “You actually told her you loved her? This is crazy. Does this mean that you’re also the girl he keeps talking about that he lost his virginity to?”

Blood rushes to your cheeks, glowing coral. “Potentially.”

Adjusting the straps of his backpack on his shoulders, he straightens himself before twirling his body around to exit the classroom. “Sorry bro, I gotta let the team know. I can’t believe you actually went through with it!”

“Hoseok—” Jungkook rubs his face tiredly when his friend leave before giving you an apologetic look. “I’m going to chase after him. I’ll see you after class?”

“I’ll see you after class,” You confirm, and surprisingly enough, he leans in to give you a quick goodbye kiss before waving at Yura.

Yura’s eyes bulged to the point it looked like it would fall out of its sockets. “He— he actually did that? How much did I actually miss? Did you guys do it again?”

“How many questions are you going to ask?”

“All of them. Any single one that pops into my head. How could I not ask you any of these questions? What’s the point of being your friend if I can’t!” Yura jokes and you retaliate by throwing a pen at her.

“Look at who has arrived! The woman who has tamed our special Kook’s heart!” Namjoon exclaims brightly at the sight of you entering the pool’s arena, backpack over your shoulder as you make your way to your designated spot in the bleachers. “Jesus, stop embarrassing her.” Jungkook counters, pushing the guys away from your seat.

“Aw, come on. We never got to interrogate her as your girlfriend!”

“Isn’t interrogating her as my friend enough?”

“No,” Jin chimes in. “We didn’t get to ask her the girlfriend questions yet.”

Jungkook scowls at his teammates who bluster him at five against one. “What are you going to ask? I’ll answer for her.” 

“Is she the one you lost your virginity to?”

“When did this happen?”

“Is Jungkook even good in bed? He just looks good but what about his delivery—“

“Whoa, whoa whoa!” Jungkook interrupts, dropping his bag onto the ground. “My delivery? You’re questioning my performance?”

“Performance?” Standing beside you at the bleachers, the entire swim team turns their heads in unison at the voice, faces gleaming at the owner of the voice.

“Taehyung!”

“What’s wrong with Jungkook’s performance?” He raises a brow quizzically, adjusting his own bag that hands across his chest. “He’s a great swimmer.”

Hoseok has his arm around the other male, leading him toward the locker room. “Our little Kook has a girlfriend now, and we’re trying to interrogate his girlfriend about his performance.”

“Jungkook has a girlfriend?” When Jimin responds with your name, Taehyung’s gaze meets your figure as you’re leaning comfortably in the spaces between the bleachers, legs pressed against your chest with AirPods occupying your ears and a book in your hand. 

He never said, but Taehyung always had a slight crush on you. The rest of the swim team, including you, had all been around the same age, but he’d be ahead of the crowd in regards to education, therefore graduated earlier than the rest. Earning a swimming scholarship to study abroad restricted himself from ever letting you know his true feelings, but coming back around meant he could take the opportunity to at least let you know how he felt.

But he was too late. Or so you’d think.

“I got this for you, from the States, that is.” 

“A mug?” Lifting up the Starbucks cup in your hand that he wrapped in a bow so carefully, you’re afraid that you’d accidentally unravel it. Grinning from cheek to cheek, your eyes meet with his. “New York?”

“I visited New York for a little bit before coming back here. Thought of you when I saw that. Figured you would like it.”

Gingerly placing the gift back into its bag, you pull out another item that Taehyun has packed for you. “What— what’s this?” He has a mischievous smile washing over his face, tugging at the bow tie around the plush in your hands.

“A sloth.”

“A sloth?”

Taehyung nods in return, hands slipping into the front pockets of his jeans. “You remind me of a sloth. Always so tired, moves slow sometimes—”

“Tae, are you insulting me?” Laughing at your reaction, he immediately shakes his head in discrepancy. “No, it’s a good thing really. You’re cute, and sloths are cute. Grounded, even though they’re in the trees, relaxing to be around, and you can’t help but to like them.”

Nodding in response, you hold the stuffed animal in your arms, content with his answer. “I’ll take that. I really like this, Taehyung. You didn’t have to bring this back for me.”

“Of course I had to bring you something back.” He bends forward, playfully pinching your nose. “You were always coming to our games to support us. Anyways, there’s a letter in the envelope when you get the chance to look more thoroughly.”

“Yep. Well, if you’d excuse me, they’re going to nag at me for leaving the locker room so suddenly instead of getting dressed to practice with them. I’ll catch you later?” You bow your head in agreement as you watch him run in the route of the locker room before searching through the bag before your fingers meet with a thick piece of paper.

Your name is written on the front of the pink envelope. Something makes your stomach churn at the appearance of the item. Inhaling deeply, you tear off the flap, a little too aggressively that the note falls out and onto the floor.

“What’s this?” Jungkook asks, picking up the mysterious paper, handing it to you. “Who gave you that?”

You’re doubtful if Dahyun is thankful for your presence or not, however she’s sighing with relief that he finally reads her perspective successfully. Jungkook had misinterpreted almost every confession is what Dahyun learns, fearing that he would do the same with her. “Yes, oppa. I want to be more than friends, have more than just a student and tutor relationship with you.”

You want to run and hide. Why the hell did Jungkook tell her to say it with you standing here? You’ve encountered plenty of occasions where the atmosphere was awkward but this takes the cake. Jungkook never failed to surprise you. 

Clearing your throat, you sheepishly rub the back of your neck. “Uh, I’m just gonna wait outside. I’ll be by your car when you’re done.”

Jungkook’s piercing gaze meets yours and if you didn’t turn away, you’re definitely sure that you’d feel the daggers. 

“I’m sorry, Dahyun-ah.” His face is washed with guilt and sympathy but the look on Dahyun’s face doesn’t show an ounce of bitterness or sadness. “Don’t worry about it, Oppa. I know you mean well.”

Jungkook’s rummaging through his duffle bag that sits on one of the benches by the pool, searching for a shirt before throwing it over his body. He recognizes how embarrassing it is standing in front of a girl who just confessed to him and he doesn’t even have a shirt on. 

“I’m sorry. I... want to prioritize swimming right now. I haven’t even really thought about dating anyone else right now. Recruiters are coming by the finals and I want to be ready for it.”

“Anyone else?” She pushes a strand of hair behind her ear, deep in thought. “Was it the girl that was standing here just now? Is she that ‘anyone else’?”

Startled, his eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

“Jungkook Oppa, please don’t make excuses and lie to me. If you don’t like me back, just come out and say it. I can take rejection.”

He frowns. He isn’t familiar with the emotion resulting in being turned down by someone you like but he can comprehend the feeling of longing for someone you can’t have. “Dahyun, it’s not the right time. There’s nothing wrong with you, I’m just very dedicated to my career.” Jungkook hesitates for a moment, chewing on his bottom lip before gathering enough courage to continue his response authentically. “And I’ll be honest, I’ve had my eye on someone for a long time. I’m waiting for her to notice her own feelings without pressuring her. I hope you understand.”

But she clearly doesn’t. Her heart feels like it’s being torn into shreds carelessly and she wants to burst into tears but she holds a facade in front of Jungkook to validate her own ‘mature and adult demeanor,’ and that she wasn’t just any younger girl he tutors.

“I don’t,” She admits, clenching her teeth. “But I won’t pursue you anymore. I’ll see you after I get the results of my math exam back.” Dahyun says firmly before making her way out of the swimming arena.

Heaving a sigh of alleviation, Jungkook slugs the duffle bag over his shoulder as he watches her silhouette disappear. 

Despite all the lovely things about him, Jungkook’s biggest flaw was his guilty conscience. He always found himself in situations where he’d do things for people out of feeling guilty, even if it meant he had to go out of his way to do it. He had been trying to practice the words “no” or “I can’t” but the terms would eat him up inside, causing his stomach to churn in anxiety. He would have inner arguments with himself until he goes back and tells the person that he can do it, even if he didn’t want to.

In a different scenario, he could see himself telling Dahyun that he would consider her confession and take her out on a date. Even though she was a bit younger than him, she was pretty and nice but saying yes to her meant that his chances with you were slim. 

Yet again, your existence in his life only improved him for the better. For the first time, he said no to someone, for the benefit of himself, even if the situation wasn’t good for someone else. 

You’re leaning on Jungkook’s old beat up Lexus in the parking lot of the school, playing Animal Crossing on your phone before the shadow of a figure approaches you slowly, altering your attention toward the person. Dahyun.

“Dahyun,” You call out, standing up straight and off the car. “Uh, sorry about Jungkook. How are you?”

Dahyun stands there, a blank look slapped on her face as if she’s seen a ghost. “He said swimming comes first. Then he said something about having feelings for someone else. Is he just finding excuses to reject me at this point?”

“Huh?” Slips from your lips, a dumbfounded expression on your face. “He has feelings for someone? I didn’t know that specifically, but uh, I do know that swimming is Jungkook’s dream. Don’t take it personally, it’s just something he has always wanted to do.”

She shakes her head, regaining consciousness again before locking eyes with yours. “He definitely said he had feelings for someone. How don’t you know? Aren’t you supposed to be his friend?”

“Yes but—“ You’re hesitating, uncertain on how to comfort her. This hasn’t necessarily been your strongest suit and it was starting to bite you in the ass for never strengthening that weakness. “—I’m sure that even with whomever he said he has feelings for, he’s still prioritizing his dreams.”

“I guess I was stupid enough to think someone like him could ever fall for someone like me.” 

Watching as Dahyun slouches in her school uniform while exhaling a deep breath, you couldn’t help but feel yourself in her position. Her shoulders drop along with her expression before she attempts to shake off the melancholic emotions, waving a goodbye to you. “I’m going to head home. Thanks anyway.”

In a sense, you were Dahyun. Maybe not someone who Jungkook tutors but the words that Dahyun said rang in your ears like a thought you had previously. I guess I was stupid enough to think someone like him could ever fall for someone like me. What made you special enough in Jungkook’s eyes to be more than just a friend? What about this girl that Dahyun was talking about? Who was she and would you even be able to convince Jungkook of your feelings enough for him to consider you?

Jungkook’s nearing appearance manages to snap you out of your thoughts before it got any more negative than it already had. He unlocks the car doors, slamming it after he settles into the seat. You follow in unison with his actions.

“Ugh,” He groans, dropping his forehead onto the steering wheel of his car. “That was my first rejection. I feel so bad for her.”

“Everyone gets rejected at least once, I’m sure she’ll be okay eventually.”

Jungkook throws his head back against the leather seats that are worn to the point it’s peeling and tearing off. He refused to get himself seat covers because he liked the authentic look of the car being in its original shape. 

“She looked like she was going to burst into tears.”

“What are you going to do then? Date her out of pity?” You raise a brow questioningly. He looks in your direction with a pout and you shake your head in response. “That’s what I thought. Speaking of, how are you going to interrogate me about having a crush when Dahyun here just told me you have feelings for someone? Contradicting, much?”

He freezes. The keys are in the ignition but he hasn’t started the vehicle yet, jaw clenched restlessly. Jungkook is trying to observe your expression through his peripheral vision but fails miserably. “... Did she say anything else?”

“Nothing other than you saying that swimming is number one. Why, did you tell her anything else?”

“Uh, no.” He says abruptly, finally turning the key as the car stutters until letting out a heavy rumble. Tilting your head, it’s your turn to lean in closer to Jungkook to examine his face. “You told her about the girl, didn’t you?”

“Uh, no.” He repeats, gulping anxiously. 

“Who is she?”

“I never said there was a girl.” 

“You’re lying. You said earlier that you could tell when I lie. Do you think I don’t have that same exact ability? Come on, Jeon. Talk to me.”

“Nah,” Clicking the seatbelt on over his body, he puts the car in drive before hitting the gas. “Maybe I’ll tell you more during dessert. After you tell me what’s on your mind lately.”

“Has Jungkook ever had a girlfriend?”

“What?” You retort, completely off-guard. You’re sitting squished at a table in a KBBQ restaurant with the rest of Jungkook’s swim team including several of their girlfriends and other friends. Hoseok is sitting across from you, munching on another piece of grilled pork before reiterating his question. 

“You’ve known him like forever. Has he ever had a girlfriend?”

“... Not that I know of—“

“No.” Jungkook chimes in, squinting his eyes at the older male. “Why are you asking this?”

“You wouldn’t tell me,” Hoseok says casually, eyeing the younger with the same expression. “Plus, I wanna hook you up with someone. Are you just going to be a prude up until college?”

“No.” Jungkook says again, picking up his chopsticks to grab a couple pieces of cooked meat and placing it onto your plate. Hoseok is watching closely at the actions between the two of you and you can feel his intense stare penetrating through you. 

Hoseok snaps, his face brightening. “Exactly! That’s why I want you to meet with this girl I know, maybe she can—”

Jungkook waves his hand in dismissal, leaning his other arm on the table. “I meant no, as in no, Hoseok, I am not a prude.” With those words, suddenly his audience extended from Hoseok to the entire team.

“Bro, you’re fucking with us. You kissed someone?”

“Well,” He starts, dropping his body onto the back of his seat. “I did it all.”

Your face is flushing crimson. Jungkook is really testing your patience today, isn’t he? First Dahyun’s confession and now this? Stuffing lettuce and a couple pieces of meat into your mouth, you’re attempting to pretend to keep yourself busy to the point that you’re not included in the conversation.

“No way,” Hoseok’s eyes are widened to the point it could fall out of its sockets. “Who was it? Do we know her?”

“I don’t think it matters.” Jungkook responds, stuffing some kimchi into Hoseok’s mouth to stop him from speaking any more. “You don’t need to hook me up then, right? Since I already lost my virginity?”

“Oh, it definitely matters,” Chimes in Jimin, another member from the team. He’s sitting on the other side of Jungkook, tugging on the younger male’s sleeve. “Tell us, tell us! You never even had a girlfriend. Was it a one night stand? Do you even do one night stands? You don’t even look like you sleep around.”

Irritated by the interrogation, he groans, aggressively ruffling his hair. He smells like your signature vanilla scented shampoo and you’re wondering if he stole some from your house or if he decided that it was going to be a staple item in his routine. “I don’t do one night stands. She’s just someone I wanted to do my first time with.”

“Wow, she sounds special. You gonna ask her out or what?” Jimin asks, body shifting closer to Jungkook. 

“What makes you think he likes her?” Hoseok counters. 

Jimin rolls his eyes at his teammate before attacking back. “He specifically wanted her to take his virginity, what else could it be?”

Hoseok’s mouth drops, suddenly shocked by Jimin’s statement. “Wait, you make a good point. Forget that college chick taking your virginity, who’s this girl that you, yourself, chose to pop your cherry? I wanna know! Wait—” His lips tug into an impish grin as he turns to watch you cramming a portion full of kimchi into your mouth. “—You know.”

“What?” You say; if Yura was here right now she’d call you a hypocrite for speaking with your mouth full. “You know who the girl is. It’s impossible for Jungkook to hide anything from you, you definitely know who it is.”

“I—“ Just then, the door of the restaurant rings its bell, a figure making its way to the table as he screams a bright “hello!”

Kim Taehyung.

He’s still as handsome as ever. The last time you saw him, his hair was in between a shade of grey and a platinum but you’re not really sure since it was hidden underneath his graduation cap. He must have dyed it sometime when he left because the strands from his head are now a pastel pink. 

Taehyung was your unofficial hero, intruding in the conversation and capturing everyone’s attention away from you when you needed him the most.

The team is rowdy at the sight of their friend, taking turns shoving and pulling on him as he expresses his love for them in return, full of laughs and smiles. 

“I heard our little Kook won the 100m freestyle today!” He says, hand on Jungkook’s shoulder, dragging him into his embrace. “Congrats! I’m so proud of you! I also missed you, buddy. Look how far you’ve gone!”

Despite Jungkook dismissing your crush on Taehyung, he was still Jungkook’s role model. Taehyung did the impossible— snatching up the international scholarship and heading to a well renowned university to be part of their swim team. Everything Taehyung was is what Jungkook aspired to be.

“Thanks, Hyung. Can’t believe you’re back, what are you doing here?”

He lets out a chuckle, running his fingers through his soft locks that cascaded over his face. Taehyung was like the lead character of an anime; a flawless personality and attractive. Maybe the only negative thing about him was that he never pursued a relationship and girls were always left rejected, jilted and disappointed... why does that sound familiar?

“Decided to come back during my semester break. Where’s your love?” Right when he says the term of endearment, his eyes meet yours, your cheeks burning hot. “Taehyung.”

The way he says your name sounds smooth and sweet like honey to the point it’s what you want yourself to drown in. He’s advancing toward you, arms opened and welcoming you into his hold. “Missed you, bub. We should meet during my time here and catch up.”

From behind, Jungkook’s nose is scrunched up in disgust. Bub?

The night was filled with stories of the States that Taehyung shares amongst the group; how he managed to get lost after getting on the subway, or a time where he ordered the wrong thing off the menu but it was a great experience, or the time he dyed his hair the wrong color because of miscommunication with the barber. Regardless, Taehyung was living an entirely different life in America and although alone, he seemed... happy.

Eventually, the owners of the restaurant have to escort you guys out of the place, overstaying your welcome there.

“Shall we head for dessert?” Jungkook asks, hands in the front pockets of his jeans.

“This late?”

“Maybe places aren’t open but... you wanna stay over the night? I’ve been waiting patiently throughout dinner to hear what you’re going to say and I don’t want to leave the night without hearing it.”

Right. You were supposed to confess to Jungkook tonight. You had finally gathered enough courage to confess to your best friend of almost two decades, possibly throwing your friendship on the line. Should you even do it? Was it even worth it?

“Please.” Jungkook begs, pouting with his puppy eyes. And as if he could almost read your mind, he adds, “Nothing you can say will make me leave you.”

“Fine. Let’s go.”

Out of the shower, you point with your head toward the bathroom, trying to grab Jungkook’s attention by calling out his name. You’re in a baggy shirt you borrow from him and a pair of shorts you accidentally left over, too lazy to actually walk over next door to grab your own clothes for the night. “It’s your turn.”

He swallows. His stare is glued to your exposed, smooth, freshly shaved legs that you flaunt previously in achievement. Eyes roaming over your body, he feels his lower stomach stir when he notices how obvious it is you’re not wearing a bra— the sudden change in temperature from the steaming hot shower to the cool windy night in his bedroom perks your nipples through the thin fabric.

You crinkle your brows. “What are you drooling over? Go shower, you reek of chlorine.”

After he quickly shifts off the bed and showers, he comes out, dressed in his own pjs, pulling the covers off the bed that you’re sitting underneath.

“Hey! What was that for?”

“We still need to talk.”

“There’s no dessert here.” You state firmly.

He glares at you, sliding into the empty space beside you before snagging the blanket to drape over the both of you. “Just think of me. I’m sweet.”

You hum, lying down closer to him to gather his radiating body warmth as he wraps his arms around your frame. “More like bitter.”

Jungkook must have been spent. His breathing was slowing down and his lids were heavy from such an eventual yet long day that it even shut him up from responding with a comeback.

When what feels like hours later, you’re still awake, head resting on his chest with his arm placed underneath your body. “This feels right,” you say to no one in particular, tapping your finger against his peck. “Everything about you feels right.”

Letting out a sigh, you continue. “Watching and hearing about all these girls that are head over heels for you eventually get rejected or forgotten about is discouraging. It makes me feel as though I’m just like them— pining for a guy who would never love me back. I remember when I told you about my crush on Taehyung and you immediately shot down my beliefs. I hated you for that until I realized that you were right. Maybe I didn’t like him because once I knew how I felt about you, my crush... seemed so small in comparison.” You’re tracing imaginary shapes on his body with your pointer finger, murmuring while scrambling through your disorganized thoughts.

“Yura convinced me to tell you how I feel. I don’t understand what goes on in her mind but she thinks that you’ve been hinting things to me. Even so, I’m scared of losing you as a friend. What if this doesn’t work out? What if you reject me and we resent each other?” You clench your jaw, taking in a deep breath before rounding up every brave cell in your body. “Regardless of that... I think I love you.” and instantaneously, you feel the weight of burden lift from your shoulders. Even though he’s asleep through your confession, it felt good to at last say those words confidently out loud.

“No, but—” He’s leaning close, his soaked fringe dripping onto your skin, goosebumps forming on your arms. “What?”

“Just trying to get a better read on you.” The proximity between you and Jungkook is small, so small that you don’t realize you’ve been holding your breath the entire time until he backs away and you let out a deep exhale. “W-What for?” You manage to respond.

“What do you think about us... doing it again?” 

He’s not looking at you this time, hands running through his drenched locks, eyes never leaving the concrete ground. The question startles you. For one, Jungkook was being shy. He never seemed to hide things from you before but that assumption was proven wrong when you saw the girl he brought him the other day. Jungkook didn’t even hesitate to call you up when he just took the biggest shit or even when he picked the longest booger. Why was he suddenly acting bashful?

“... again?” You reiterate, hands clutching onto the bench. “You want to do what again?”

“Uh... sleep together.”

“Jeon, we always sleep together. I don’t understand why you’re being weird—“

“No,” he sighs frustratedly at himself, knowing his question was unclear while slouching over in his seat. “When I say sleep together, I meant have sex again. I feel like I fucked up our first time together and I want to make up for it.”

Oh. Was that all? After the incident, you’d been as emotionally intelligent as you could, pushing to the back of your mind the fact that you’re so in love with Jeon Jungkook and you’ve both had his first kiss and virginity— for him, likewise. How yes, these things were far from perfect but to you, it was perfect because it was with him. That’s all that mattered.

“You don’t need to make up for anything. It was good! You took care of me and made sure I was okay. Apparently, it hurts like hell but you made it bearable.”

“I... really want to try again. What if we try teaching each other so that when the time comes and we meet someone, we’re ready?”

By the time we meet someone. The words burned in your heart, hissing as the pain clenched your chest. You knew that you didn’t want to meet ‘someone,’ you just wanted Jungkook. Just then, the girl comes to mind.

“Is it about that girl?” Jungkook’s head shoots in your direction, brows crinkled in confusion. “What girl?”

You’re chewing your bottom lip anxiously, waving your hanging legs above the ground. “I saw you bring a girl home the other day. Is it about her?”

Jungkook’s expression doesn’t change for a moment before an ‘ah’ escapes his mouth with the memory. “You mean Dahyun? I’m tutoring her in my free time. I needed some money. What? Are you jealous?” His lips tug in a mischievous smile; he’s genuinely enjoying the way your face contorts into realization, his heart warm at the idea of you wary of someone else capturing his attention. 

“No.” You quickly mutter under your breath, a bit annoyed with yourself for letting your emotions get to you so quickly. This was Jungkook you were talking about here— the one guy who could pretty much land a date with any girl at your school, yet he’s over here playing games with you instead. It’s no surprise that he’s teasing you again but you’re wishing he was serious.

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re the only girl in my life?” 

You shove him off the bench, rolling your eyes. “Why did you want me here again?” He’s on the floor, a hearty laugh roaring from his chest. He’s effortlessly handsome like this and it’s no wonder that you’ve fallen for him. 

“I think you should reconsider my question and let me know when you’re ready. But besides that,” Jungkook is getting off of the solid ground, rubbing his bottom in the process. “I want you to come to my swim meet this Friday. You’re my good luck charm and I can’t win without you.”

“Why do I feel like those one of girls who are hopelessly in love with him?” You grumble into your arms, rubbing your hands into your face dishearteningly. “I feel so stupid, falling for his charms and everything. You know what he said to me again today?”

Yura’s in the process of shoving the cheesy goodness of tteokbokki into her mouth, sauce spilling out on the sides of her lips. She always had the biggest appetite and ate messily but it never stopped the queue of men standing outside her locker trying to shove in love letters on Valentine’s Day. Yura was a pure beauty— you always found yourself curious how the two of you became friends because you thought you weren’t as special, just average. But nonetheless, Yura had never failed to be there for you, through thick and thin, and your love for her in this friendship was almost the equivalent to what you felt for Jungkook. Except you were in love with Jungkook.

“Wha de he say?” She doesn’t even wait to finish swallowing her food, she just speaks through it, spitting some of the hot sauce onto your side of the table as you scowl in disgust. 

“Jesus, Yura, chew and swallow first.”

“Sorry,” She smiles cheekily after emptying her mouth. “What did he say?”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re the only girl for me? I want you to come to my swim meet this Friday. You’re my good luck charm and I can’t win without you.”

Both of Yura’s brows raise up. “Oh wow, he’s definitely smitten with you. So, when are you gonna tell him that you’re ‘hopelessly in love’ with him?”

You sigh. “I can’t. I’ll ruin our friendship.”

“You’re doing this ass backwards,” She says, shaking her head as she picks out a fish cake from the bowl. “You guys fucked and yet you think that confessing your feelings will ruin your friendship?”

Shrugging your shoulders, you exhale another deep breath of sadness. “I’m just happy with where we are. I like being the special one in his life. What if I tell him and he doesn’t reciprocate feelings?”

“Worry about it then.” She responds casually, stuffing another spoonful into her mouth. “I don’t understand why people get so scared of telling someone how they feel. You never know your opportunity until you try it. Plus, it’s Jungkook. You really think he’s going to just drop you after all these years?”

Maybe Yura was right. Well— there was no way in hell you’d let her know that because her ego would swell up and get the best of her, but she made a valid point. Jungkook doesn’t know that you like him, right? So what if he did feel something for you?

“Think about it. Has he ever had a girlfriend?”

Silent, you’re almost skimming your mental memory of any recollection of Jungkook having a relationship. “Honestly, no.”

“And he tells you everything.”

“Correct.” You answer again. 

“Don’t you feel like he’s waiting for something? Or someone in particular? You even mentioned it before, he happens to have the entire women population of this school crawling at his feet and all he does is act dumb.”

A floral square neck short sleeve crop top and blue jeans were what you decided to leave the house with for Jungkook’s swim competition but you don’t feel like yourself underneath this fabric. In actuality, you would never find yourself walking out the house in something so... fitted, opting for something more comfortable and breathable, but you knew today wasn’t a day for that. You’d gather enough courage to finally tell Jungkook that you didn’t want to be just friends anymore, you were ready to take it to the next level.

Sitting down on the bleachers of the humid arena, the stench of chlorine attacks your sense of smell again. You could never understand what it felt like to be Jungkook— he lived for the aroma of the water entering in his nostrils, the feeling of water touching his skin for hours, having so much control whenever he was in the pool. Whenever he was stressed, angry or sad, the first place you’d look for him would be here. Mediations were for some people, but swimming was for Jungkook.

He’s walking toward you, a beautiful grin spreading from ear to ear, wearing what seems to be insufferable competitive swim trunks that hug the lower half his body so tightly it could be a second layer of skin. He hasn’t worn his cap yet, but he’s holding it in his hand with his goggles, arms opened wide for you to come into his embrace.

“I’m seriously so happy you’re here. And look at you! All dressed up. Is this for me?” You scoff yet you’re already in his arms, face snuggled into his bare chest. He smelled like the water but when it’s coming from him, the scent is intoxicating.  “Why would you even expect me not to come? I’m always rooting for you and your dreams, you idiot.” 

For a brief moment, you’re standing on the sidelines with his arms wrapped around your frame and his chin resting on your head. Being with Jungkook was different, he made you feel a way that none of the guys that came into your life have made you feel. 

Summers ago, you met this handsome boy, Taehyung. He was a few years older than both you and Jungkook and a member of the same swim team as Jungkook. Taehyung was the love that you knew realistically would never like you back. He was close to graduation, prepping for the recruiters who would attend their swim competitions to see potential candidates for colleges. Girls were flaunting themselves on him just as much as Jungkook and just as similar to him, his aspirations were a priority. Those girls were put in the back burner. He’d make your heart swell in your chest, constantly bringing you snacks and checking in on you occasionally as you study on the sidelines by the pool, waiting for your best friend to finish practice. You recall telling Jungkook about your childish crush on the guy you barely knew and him responding with, “You just think he’s cute. I don’t think you really like him,” or “He’s just being nice! He’s nice to everyone. Don’t fall for his charms so quickly.”

All of your feelings for Taehyung disappeared the day he graduated, saying his goodbyes to both you and Jungkook while in his blue gown, newly dyed platinum locks disheveled underneath his cap. He ruffles Jungkook’s hair, eyes gleaming toward the younger male before saying, “Take care of yourself, will ya? And take care of the little one too. Don’t let her fall between the cracks.” With that, he left with a scholarship to swim for the college team abroad in the United States, and you haven’t heard from him since.

The whistle blows, signaling the swimmers to get in their positions, and Jungkook lets go of you and you’re suddenly feeling empty. But the look he gifts you is loving, the reflection of the sunlight hitting the pool touches his face before he’s putting on his swim cap and goggles. 

Jungkook is standing on the platform, side by side with other competitors from local high schools. Although you’ve come to almost all his practices and attended every single swim meet, you couldn’t exactly grasp onto any of the rules or the jargon but Jungkook never held that against you. He just wanted you there as his personal cheerleader, standing in the bleachers, watching him perform the greatest act as each time he does this is better than the last.

The referee blows a short series of whistles, initiating the start of the race and Jungkook dives into the water in mere milliseconds amongst the rest of the swimmers. He’s fast—incredibly fast that you’re afraid to blink because you might miss something important. 

Jungkook was placed in the freestyle 100m event; his coach evidently complimented him constantly for his ability to adapt to the time and switch the types of strokes he needed to use in order to beat anyone neck and neck with him. 

Today was no exception. Jungkook hit his first lap in third place; a technique he learned was to never overexert your strengths in the beginning because in the last portion of the race was where you want to push yourself to the fullest. The amount of videos he made you sit through the entirety of throughout your life was countless. He would plop himself in front of the television or computer for hours, observing the olympic and professional swimmers tactics because his parents couldn’t afford a private teacher for him. It wasn’t until high school that he had a real coach, someone who could dedicate their time in training and shaping Jungkook into the athlete he wanted to be. Before that, he would come to school’s indoor pool almost daily to just swim laps and test out what he watched on the internet.

His second lap was closing to its end and like every other swim meet, your stomach was doing flips. There was so much faith in Jungkook, from you, his parents, his team, but you weren’t sure how he felt about himself. He never failed to impress everyone, swooning the hearts of both males and females during these events however never once has he expressed his anxiety before a competition. He just did it because he loved it. Swimming was Jungkook’s passion.

The male next to him is close, they’re strokes away from each other to the point you can’t even tell who’s in the lead. It ends so quickly that the referee blows into his whistle before you realize as Jungkook ascends from the water, snapping off his cap and goggles as he eyes the man in the white and black striped shirt before glancing over at his opponent.

The referee grabs Jungkook’s wrist with another scream of the whistle, and excitedly, Jungkook smacks the water. He won.

Towel hanging around his neck, his eyes sparkle at the sight of you approaching after his team congratulates him eagerly on his win. If you knew better, the sight of you was his own personal win.

“Congrats, Jeon.” You say, playfully pulling on his drenched locks. “I knew you’d win. You always win.”

“I always win because you’re here.” There he goes again, tugging on your heartstrings so carelessly. “Come join us for dinner after this.”

“Only if you dedicate some alone time with me for dessert.” You have no idea what being possess you because you’re abruptly so bold. “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Oh?” He tilts his head questioningly. “Now you’re just tempting me to cancel dinner and go right to dessert. What do you want to talk about?”

“Just... stuff,” You say, pursing your lips. Before Jungkook can even say anything, another teammate comes up to him, slapping him on his buttock with a bright smile. “Look at little Kook, I’m not even surprised he even won.”

“I told you, I got myself a personal cheerleader. You should get one too.” Jungkook says, grasping onto your arm. “It’s a real energy booster when they’re cute too.”

“Oooo, maybe I can borrow your cheerleader!” His teammate teases but Jungkook clicks his tongue threateningly. “Get your own, this one is mine.” His teammate laughs before shaking his head and walking away to the rest of the group.

“I’m still curious what you’re going to say to me.” He says, turning back to direct his attention onto you. “You think you can skip waiting ‘til dessert and tell me now?”

“No.” 

“Oh, come on!” He whines and despite his height, he still can throw a tantrum like a child. “I really want to—“

“Oppa?”

The two of you divert your fixation onto the owner of the soft voice; blinking blankly, your eyes browse over the girl. You assume it’s Dahyun because her hair is down like the other day and her petite body seems familiar and you’re proven right when Jungkook calls out her name.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have a math test tomorrow that you need to study for?”

She has a pink gift bag in her hand, butterfly and heart stickers decorated all over. The bag looks heavy with how the handles stretch to the fullest extent. You’re chewing your bottom lip now; Dahyun was going to confess and you’re unsure if Jungkook can tell.

“Can we talk in private for a moment, Oppa? I have to tell you something.”

“You can tell me here.” He gestures your presence with a grin on his face. “I don’t have anything to hide from her, she doesn’t judge so tell me what you have to say freely. And if she does judge...” Jungkook’s gaze shifts to you as he squints his eyes. “I’ll just beat her up.”

I met a girl today.

She’s sweet, and also Korean. Communication can be rough here, and if I’m being completely honest, I thought that these emotions I had harbored for you were just something I kept out of the loneliness. But meeting this girl was almost solidifying what I felt for you, and how much I regret coming here, away from it all. Dreams are dreams, they’re aspirations that you hoped to aim for, but as humans, we are selfish, desiring for more. I wanted more. I wanted you.

--

Reminiscing to the time we first met, I thought of you as just Jungkook’s little friend who stuck by his side like glue. Someone who followed him around because she crushed on him and he didn’t reciprocate. Boy, I was wrong. I never realized how much Jungkook enjoyed your support, wanting you to be there, how motivating it was for you to cheer in the sidelines until I was one of the people you were encouraging. 

I never felt so driven to my goals in my entire life. It’s probably how I’ve gotten so far. At this rate, Jungkook is going to be an olympian because of you.

Alarmed by Jungkook’s presence, you jolt in your seat on the bleachers, holding the letter against your chest. “Fuck, you scared me.”

He’s drying his soaked hair with a towel, shirtless with only his swim trunks on, eyeing you prudently. You had been reading the letters that Taehyung had left in the envelope, all written on thin pieces of parchment paper as if he didn’t own any actual stationary. They’d been so flimsy yet folded in such a way that when it had fallen out previously, it almost seemed like just one sheet of paper. 

“What did those letters say?”

“Uh, nothing worthwhile.” You respond abruptly. 

Jungkook pauses in the midst of his actions, bewilderment written on his face. “Are you alright? You... are acting a bit suspicious.”

Ambiguously, you hunch over, slipping everything back into the bag. Jungkook and your relationship was fresh, so fresh that it had only been a couple days of being together and you were already hit with an obstacle. Do you tell Jungkook things Taehyung said? Do you let him read the letters? They felt personal, something between just the two of you, but Jungkook was your boyfriend now.

“Let’s... talk about this later,” You conclude, ascending from the seat while grabbing your personal items. “Will you be ready soon? I kind of want to go right now.” Taking your wrist, his hand warmly tightens in the grip but loosens up promptly. “Hey, are you alright? You seem a bit off.”

From behind Jungkook, you detect Taehyung walking in your direction with Hoseok by his side, exchanging laughter during their route. His eyes meet yours for a moment before you quickly avert your attention, fixating it back on Jungkook as your cheeks flush pink. “I just want to go home. Can we go home?”

He nods, unzipping his duffel bag and pulls out a T-shirt. “We can go. I need to go change my pants in the bathroom—“

Taehyung and Hoseok are getting closer.

“OK— let’s go,” Snatching his bag, you tug on his arm and rush to the locker room, Jungkook trailing behind with his shirt barely on. “Oh— what—“

Finally reaching the changing room, you look around for any potential athletes. Sighing after realizing everyone has left, you rummage through his belongings for his shorts. “Don’t be mad if I tell you this.”

“Why would I ever be mad at you?”

Your eyes look through your curled lashes, Jungkook watches your expression with a tightened heart. Jesus, even when you’ve got him so anxious that he feels like he’s sitting at the edge of his seat, he can’t help but think how pretty you look.

“I think Taehyung was trying to confess to me.”

Immediately, his face washes over with anger. “What? Taehyung tried to confess to you? Is that what those letters were about?” Nodding in response, you fist the hem of your shirt restlessly. The last thing you wanted was for Jungkook to view his role model in a different light. “Well, they were just letters he wrote with how he felt about me while away. I’m not sure how to react. I’m sure it’s nothing serious though—”

“You don’t, that’s what you do. Why would you do anything? Other than reject him, you tell him you have a boyfriend now and that what he’s doing is wrong.”

“But he’s a friend, Jeon.”

“A friend who just told you he likes you despite the fact that he knows you’re dating someone.”

“He didn’t know before that.”

Thwarted, he leans over and pulls the waistband of his shorts down, exposing more of his skin than intended. He’s too annoyed and frustrated to even care that his swim trunks are down to his ankles, completely revealing himself in his all naked glory before taking his shorts out of your hands. Blood rushes into your cheeks at the sight, turning your head away. 

“Why do you keep defending him? Do you still like him?”

Your face snaps back to his direction, forgetting about his current state before reversing your head away again. “Of course not, why would you ask that?”

“Because you’re acting awfully uncomfortable with him around and defending him like you have something to hide.”

“Jeon, I don’t. You know that I like you.”

“If I’m being honest,” He’s in the midst of dressing himself as he speaks before running his fingers through his hair. “We’ve only been dating a couple days and before that, I assumed you still had a crush on Taehyung.”

Standing up, you scowl at his response. “That was just an observation you had, not the truth. Jeon, are you jealous?” You find yourself drawing closer to Jungkook, arms draping over his shoulders before caressing the nape of his neck gingerly. He exhales out a deep breath, giving into your touch and resting his hands on your waist, lids falling shut. “A bit, yeah. How could I not? You used to tell me all these things about him— how kind and sweet he is, how he gives you snacks during our practices, how he does these little things for you that shows he cares... how am I supposed to compete with that?”

“You don’t,” You reiterate his words from earlier. “You don’t try to compete, you don’t think about him or what he has done. You’re just you, that’s more than enough for me.”

“Okay, okay. I know. It’s just... I’ve always looked up to Taehyung, and you know this. He has everything I could only dream of having, including you—”

“Jungkook, he doesn’t have me. You have me.”

His eyes soften. After being friends with you for so long, he couldn’t believe that he’d been lucky enough to have you in his arms. His anger diminishes from the tone of your assuring words as he presses his forehead against yours. It had been a haunting thought in his mind throughout the decade, how you could ever possibly be his. And with you in his embrace now, he’s not sure if he deserves having you here or how to keep you.

“Okay, I... alright. Maybe you can have a civil conversation with him about this and let him down easy.” He suggests, lifting his solemn gaze to meet with yours. Jungkook felt uneasy at the idea of you being alone with Taehyung, but he’d come to understand that it was the right thing to do. “I just don’t want to be dropped because Hyung suddenly realizes what he’s missing.”

“Well,” You shrug nonchalantly as you continue. “He’s super late. You’ve always had me, it just... took awhile for me to realize it too. Thankfully, I wasn’t late.”

“You would’ve never been late,” Jungkook admits, feeling as though all the pieces have fallen into place after hearing your confession on that very night. To him, it was the start of something new, despite always having been by your side. You were finally his. “I couldn’t even notice any other girls, look how many had confessed to me yet I was so blinded by you!”

Clicking your tongue, you slap his chest in unison with a light laugh. “Oh, shut up. Guess it’s my turn to let someone down.”

A week later is when you’re confident enough to confront Taehyung.

“You wanted to talk?” Taehyung asks, approaching you on the sidelines of the football field that’s occupied by the players during their daily practice. The sound of the coach’s whistle rings in your ears, interrupting your thoughts as well as Taehyung’s voice. You wanted to talk to him alone, not entirely alone, but enough to not cause any discomfort.

“Yeah,” You say softly, the bag of gifts and letters in one of your hands. “This... thank you, Taehyung, for this. But I can’t accept your gift if it means I have to accept your feelings.”

His expression is sullen. “I’m not asking you to accept them, I just wanted to let you know that they exist, and that they always have.” Taehyung lets out a sigh, glancing over at the field. “Keep the gifts, they were things I bought because I thought of you when I laid my eyes on it.” Arms dropping along with your body, you plop onto the bench. “Why did you decide to tell me now?”

“I’ve wanted to tell you since the moment I realized it when I was in the States. I was waiting for my next trip here to finally let you know,” He declares, sitting beside you. “Didn’t think Jungkook had the balls to actually confess to you. It was about time.”

“I was the one who confessed.”

Taehyung turns to you with widened eyes, startled. “Really? You’re the one who confessed? Turns out Jungkook really doesn’t have the balls.”

You frown. “Don’t say that, I did it discreetly and he overheard. He didn’t think I felt anything back for him.”

“Regardless, I can’t believe he actually made a move. He’s been crushing on you forever. What friend talks about his best friend that frequently without having feelings for her? He even had me falling for you with how he describes you.”

“You fell for me?” Appalled, you turn to meet his gaze. “You’re in love with me? I thought you just... liked me.”

“Are you kidding?” He exasperates, shaking his head in disbelief. “Look at yourself, you’re gorgeous. Understanding of others, kind, selfless— who wouldn’t fall for you? Your only flaw is how oblivious you are to these things. You know how you thought Jungkook was an idiot when it came to girls having feelings for him? You’re the same way but with men! Hoseok even liked you for a bit before realizing that Jungkook had already been smitten by you.”

“What?” Was the only word you managed to choke out, astonished by all the information being thrown at you at once. “Did Jungkook never tell you? Hoseok said he liked you but Jungkook mentioned something about loving you for so long... but don’t get me wrong, Kook would never tell his friend not to go for it.”

“Then what?”

“Hoseok... waited. Wanted to see how legitimate Jungkook’s feelings were for you. Figured out that Jungkook couldn’t even get himself a girlfriend because he was so caught up with you so Hoseok gave up so Kook could... chase.”

“And you?” You’ve got your bottom lip between your teeth, biting anxiously that it would be swollen by the time you let it go. “What about you?”

He chuckles at your reaction, pushing his hair back, away from his face. “Probably around the same time as Hoseok, I got caught too. Difference is that I knew Jungkook liked you, just wasn’t sure if it was worth ruining a friendship for.” Taehyung shakes his leg apprehensively, eyes warding from you and focused on the players running amuck. “It wasn’t. Jungkook looked up to me, despite the fact that we are friends. He wanted to be me— with this scholarship and opportunity overseas. But I hope he realizes what he’s giving up if he gains all of that.”

You raise a brow questioningly. “And what’s that?”

“What I said in the letter,” His stare trails down the field as the members of the school’s football team begin another set of drills, yelling and hollering at each other. “You’re away from the people you love. You’re away from the girl you’re in love with. Your friends aren’t near anymore, not a phone call away. You start to miss your mom nagging your ear off and the way your dad chews his food so obnoxiously.”

“Is... that how you feel?” Pulling your legs to your chest, you rest your chin on knees, lips pressed into a straight line. “Are you lonely over there, Tae?”

“All the time,” He confesses, gathering enough courage to finally turn and watch you. “I miss everything about here, that’s why I grabbed the first flight I could to come back. I missed my friends, I missed my family. It wasn’t the same without Jungkook’s personal cheerleader sitting in the crowd, hollering out everyone’s name. You were just as a motivation to me as to him.”

“I’m sorry, Taehyung. I’m with Jungkook now.”

“I’m not asking you to date me,” He concedes, and your brows fall inwardly in complexity. “I just want your support. I don’t have that over there. It’s like I’m chasing this dream but there’s nobody to share the success with. What’s a dream when you don’t have the people you love around you to share it with?”

Unconsciously, the conversation between you and Taehyung flooded your thoughts throughout the rest of the day.

It had become a personal concern, something that disregarded Taehyung’s feelings for you and your relationship with Jungkook.

What did this mean for you, someone who was close to graduating high school? Would you go to University? And even if you did, what would your field of expertise be? Your major? What were you even good at? It had become clear that the length of time spent at Jungkook’s games were for supporting him, yet he couldn’t come to anything of yours because well... you didn’t have a passion.

“You’re awfully quiet.”

“Huh?” Your train of thoughts are interrupted by Jungkook who glances over at you while driving in his signature beat up car with the windows down and the breeze running through his chocolate brown locks. He looks angelic like this— in his happy place (which is his car), on the way home from school after waiting for you in the parking lot after talking to Taehyung.

“You’ve been silent for the whole time. Since you came into the car and the entire ride. Something Taehyung said?”

“Possibly,” You’re short, but you don’t mean to be. “Where are we going?” Jungkook makes an unfamiliar turn, changing his route away from the direction of home.

“Somewhere special so we can talk.”

Momentarily, you reach somewhere in the suburbs with mostly trees and grasslands. You’re parking under an overpass, it seems, but out of use. There aren’t many cars nearby, but the view of the sunset is clear and the air is clean and crisp as you inhale the freshness of nature deeply with your eyes closed, embracing the feeling. Jungkook twists his keys as the engine stops it’s ruckus noise, and the car comes to a halt as his body is now facing you in his seat. “Talk to me.”

“Jeon, it’s nothing.”

“Just because I’m your boyfriend now doesn’t make me less of your friend than before. It just means I’m more.”

You roll your eyes. But regardless, he’s right. You’re insecure about your career path, your choices and what you’ll do in the future, but sitting beside a guy who seems to know everything he wants is intimidating. Especially when he’s someone you want to be deserving of.

“I...” Hesitant, you know that it’s something you have to do anyway. Jungkook has been with you— thick and thin— so what makes this time different from the rest? “Taehyung kept talking about his dream. How, although he’s over there chasing this aspiration, it doesn’t feel fulfilling because he’s not around the people he loves to share it with.”

Jungkook scoffs before letting you finish. “Sounds selfish—“

“No,” you interject. “That’s not where I was going with this.”

“Then where’s your head at, love?”

You pause. There’s a lot to uncover here, and if you’re completely unfiltered, Jungkook will realize how absolutely lost you are. Admitting you’re lost might make Jungkook’s feelings ambivalent, but nonetheless, you take in a deep breath of fortitude and continue. It was either now or never.

“I don’t have those aspirations. I don’t know what I’m going to do or what I’m going to be, and you’re here with the biggest dreams. You have so much motivation and will to get there— but what about me? I don’t have anything. I don’t have a passion, a hobby... nothing. What am I supposed to be? Jungkook’s cheerleader for life?”

He sighs at your words, leaning over to brush a strand of hair away from your face. His lips purse in thought for a moment, causing doubtful ideas popping into your head before he bursts the bubble by shattering the glass of quietude. “You are and will always be, Jungkook’s personal cheerleader. But that’s not your title and entirety, it’s just something you are because I love your support and beliefs in me. However, love, I don’t want you to think that’s all you are and all you’re made for.”

“And what’s that?”

“Well,” he begins, leaning back in his seat. “That’s for you to decide. I don’t want you to feel like all you are is my support team. You’re more than that, you’re capable of anything. Everyone is lost at our age, only some of us know what we truly want to do. And I’ll help you find your way— I’m also your personal cheerleader.”

“Isn’t it tiring?”

“What’s tiring?”

“Trying to be a personal cheerleader of someone who doesn’t have anything to cheer for.”

Jungkook takes a moment to organize his thoughts, peeling off a bit of the leather on his steering wheel. “No. Everything I do for you feels effortless. Everything I feel for you is effortless. I don’t have to try in order to want to do things for you, and I don’t have to try to love you. I just do, it comes naturally. But... I also don’t want you to feel this way, and I want to help you find what makes you happy.”

Just listening to the way he speaks about you and the expression on his face is full of worry warms your heart. You feel stupid— how could you have waited that long to tell Jungkook your feelings for him, and thinking about other guys when you had one right in your face all along?

In the spur of the moment, you’re not sure where you get all this assertiveness from, but you cup his cheeks, pulling him into a kiss. It’s heated— the way his tongue fights its way into your mouth, slipping between your lips as you climb over the center console to straddle his hips while he pulls his seat back for more space. His hands barely hover your waist, so innocently and gentlemen-like, and you take notice of this, placing your own on top of his then guiding him to wrap it around your frame as he complies. Pressing your hips down against his, he lets out a groan from both your boldness and the feeling of your weight against his jeans.

This was different compared to the first time— back then, you knew you wanted Jungkook, but you weren’t sure how to show it. You held back, both from inexperience and uncertainty that he’d find out about your love for him, but this time, he knew, and he reciprocated those emotions back.

Your fingertips played with the fabric of his shirt on his shoulders as his own traveled their way up the hem of your skirt, rubbing the skin of your thigh that it made you shiver. Pulling away from his lips, your foreheads pressed against each other, watching with hooded eyes and heavy uneven breaths. 

“Well,” He says between breaths. “This isn’t like the first time.”

“No, it’s the second. We’re more experienced now. And stop counting, it’s weird.” With that, you push yourself down against his crotch, earning another moan emitting between his swollen pink and plump lips, his hands accompanying your hips to maneuver and gain more friction. You watch his euphoric expression as his head drops back onto the seat, lips agape and brows furrowed, focusing on the movements. His neck exposed, you can’t help but attach your mouth on the skin, so soft and smooth, licking and tugging it between your teeth before he pushes you away slightly, your brows crinkling in confusion.

“Something wrong?”

“I might actually cum in my pants if we keep doing it like this.”

Seconds later, his pants were hung low just enough to free his cock. The tip is leaking with pre-cum, and he’s pulsing against his stomach from the brief humping session. He has a hand wrapped around his cock, smearing his arousal and giving himself a couple pumps. You weren’t going to lie—but seeing him unraveled like this beneath your grasp sparked confidence in your blood, wanting more. “Should I take off my panties?”

“No,” He responds, fingers toying with the fabric underneath your skirt. “We’re in public, if we get caught, at least we can have some dignity and get dressed quickly.” You roll your eyes at his response, but nonetheless, he tugs your underwear aside, sufficient enough for access. He keeps his eyes locked onto yours, hand trailing down to meet with your center, thumb swiping across your slit. Gently, he slips a finger in, waiting for the nod of approval from you before letting in another until you felt ready enough for him.

“Fuck— I forgot a condom.”

“Don’t... I’m on the pill. And... I trust you.” He twitches at your words, a husky grunt leaving his lips as he positions himself under you, watching your contorted expression while he lifts his hips upwards as yours does the opposite, head rolling back at the feeling of fullness. “Fuck, you’re so tight.” Compared to the first time, you were so bare, so wet for him. He thought that losing your virginity to each other was when he felt close to you, but this was a whole other meaning to close.

Never in your life you would’ve thought you’d be dating your best friend, let alone fucking Jungkook in the driver seat of his beat up car. You also never saw yourself having enough courage to be riding him either, hands now on either side of his head, resting on the seat for more control and leverage as he angles his hips up to hit yours, the sudden new change of position causing a whimper to leave you.

“Deep?” He asks, his eyes barely open from the intense pleasure. You nod dumbly, loss for words, the car rocking and creaking underneath the rough thrusting. His fingers are digging into your ass, guiding your hips to move at a quicker pace, erupting noises from you that you never thought you’d make. You were filled with this new movement, unable to hold back any longer.

Suddenly, his hand slides down between where your bodies meet, pressing and rubbing against your clit that you feel the coil in your stomach tightening, letting out loud gasps and moans that are music to Jungkook’s ears, jerking up sharply into you messily. Head spinning relentlessly at the pleasure, you feel yourself hitting your peak, and Jungkook knows this from you clenching around his cock. “Close?”

“S-so close,” You whisper, too fucked out to even respond properly. Moments later, you’re coming, body shivering at the overwhelming amount of pleasure, long and hard with a hand clenching and nails digging into his shoulder. He gives you a second to regain yourself, riding out your climax before he snaps up into you sloppily, reaching his own high. In an instant, his crotch stills in you, body trembling underneath you as his cum paints your walls.

You drop your body tirelessly on his, panting from exhaustion as he grows limp inside you, arms wrapping around your waist. 

You wrinkle your forehead, leaning onto the back of your seat. “I... you think I’d be good at coaching? You don’t think it’s a bad idea?”

Shoving as much noodles into her mouth with her chopsticks, she inhales the food, cheeks full before chewing and swallowing with a nod. “Uh, yeah.” She wipes the soup remains that drips to her chin with her sleeve. “Don’t you coach Jungkook already?”

“You think I coach Jungkook?”

“Yeah, do you not?” Yura waves her hand to gesture you to the bowl of ramen. “Eat up, the noodles are getting swollen.”

Blindly following her instruction, you take a portion of the noodles into your mouth, slurping up the remains. Looking up to your friend, you look at her questioningly. “Do you think I’d be good at it?”

“Uh, Jungkook is pretty much an Olympic level kind of swimmer... so I say, yes? You coached the entire swim team, basically. They’re all doing very well.”

“They have their own swim coach.”

“Yeah, but doesn’t he just keep having practices when he’s not around? And he makes sure you’re there if he’s not, right? Pretty sure that means something.”

“Yura...”

“Hey,” She wags a finger in front of you. “You brought this up, we’re gonna talk about it. Why are you so hesitant?”

“Because...” You sigh, slouching. “I’m not sure if I like it. Do I love doing it? Is it my passion?”

Yura rolls her eyes, placing her chopsticks down. This was getting serious, you note, because Yura never pauses her time eating just to talk. “Eat first, talking second,” she’d used to say to you when you’d interrupt her slotted breakfast schedule during homeroom. 

 “Listen, you don’t need to love the idea of it right away and be as passionate about it like Jungkook and Taehyung are about swimming. You just have to like the idea enough to try it, and life sucks but the good thing about it is that you have time to figure whether or not it’s for you. If you find out that coaching isn’t your thing, then you move onto the next idea.”

“But—“

“But you’re good at coaching. Just because you’re good at it doesn’t mean that you have to have a career in it either. I’m great at eating but you don’t see me getting into competitive eating, don’t you?” Tempted to tell her that she probably should, you bite down your tongue from making the comment. “Just try it, why don’t you?”

Yura made a point— yet again, and as constantly brought up from before, you’d never tell her. It would just stroke her ego, you think, but you love her nonetheless for being so supportive and rational.

Maybe you’d look more into coaching. What it requires, what it means to be one.

That very same night, you’re up for hours to the point that the only light in your room is from your computer screen, brightly displaying onto your face. You’re straining your eyes, forgetting how much time has passed from being engrossed in your research. 

“Why are you still up?”

“Shit—” You curse, eyes wide as you stumble off your seat. Turning to the voice, you notice Jungkook sitting by his window sill, hair rustled and rubbing his eyes tiredly. He’d just woken up from his sleep. “I just got up to use the bathroom and noticed light from your room coming into mine. Why are you still up?” 

Clicking off the screen, you turn in your swivel chair back into his direction, mimicking his position by the window while resting your chin on your arms. Distressed, your fingers fidget on the fabric of your sleeves, humming in thought. “I started looking into prerequisites for coaching.” Jungkook doesn’t look like he just woke up anymore, attentive to your words.

“You were?”

“Yeah,” You nod, gazing off to the streetlights outside of your houses. “I don’t know if I’ve ever considered that before.”

He stares at you longingly, observing the expression on your face. Jungkook is hesitant about what he should say, how he should comfort you because he doesn’t want you to feel like you should force a decision from his suggestion. “You don’t have to do it just because I said it, you know. I think you’re great at it. Talented, patient, encouraging, and understanding— you have the characteristics of what it means to be one.”

“Why does it feel like my decision right now will determine the rest of my life?”

He pauses. How do you convince someone that it’s not true after they’ve already drilled the idea in their head already? How does he get you to see yourself from his eyes? He wants to tell you that there’s more to life than choosing a career at the age of eighteen and coming to the conclusion that it’s all you have, but that you’ll eventually find pleasures in other things— like your hobbies, spending time with friends, and being with the love of your life. How he made it seem like his own dreams and aspirations are what determines his own life, but in reality, he had just learned a couple days ago that it doesn’t stop there for anyone. 

“It doesn’t.” Jungkook ultimately speaks up. “But know that whatever happens, I’ll be by your side through it all, whatever you choose.”

Despite spending most of the night tense from being glued to the computer screen, feeling frustrated with yourself and debating what next steps to take, Jungkook’s words were comforting in a way, whether or not he’d result in keeping his promises.

You smile at him, and he swore in that moment that his heart was swelling to the point it would burst out his chest.

“Jungkook, I think you’re an impressive swimmer. Have you ever considered going to college for it?”

“Well, of course. It’s only my dream, really.” He jokes, mouth dry while repositioning his hands yet again. His palms are drenched in sweat, and he only hopes he’s not soaking the sleeves of his blazer. He already had to loosen the first couple buttons of the shirt that you had picked from him that morning, preparing for this meeting, hoping that with your help he’d be more confident. He’s still anxious, nonetheless.

The woman sitting at the desk across from Jungkook smiles. She notes that he’s nervous but all the applicants are coming to meet her. But Jungkook is different, he’s built of talent and drive, more than all the people she has met recently.

“I know you probably weren’t expecting anything after the outcome of your last swim meet. But I saw a couple of the ones you had previously, and despite the loss, you’ve shown the same amount of energy and motivation for all. I’m fascinated.”

“Thank you,” He retorts quickly, bowing to her. “It really means a lot from you. I didn’t know you attended those other matches, there weren’t many people there.”

“If I’m being honest, I was there for someone else, but a colleague of mine was interested in you, so I decided to attend for the two of you.”

He creases his brows in confusion. “Was there another swimmer that you had in mind?”

She shakes her head at his question, slipping off the glasses that had sat on the bridge of her nose. “No, actually, I was searching for someone who would be almost like an apprentice for a coach at our University. There’s been a rumor that she helped Kim Taehyung from your team get to where he is now, and seeing that she wasn’t even part of the team had caught the ears of those in the industry. I’m sure you know who she is?”

“I got the scholarship!”

Mouth agape, you drop your backpack in the hallway, arms open and welcoming Jungkook into a tight embrace. At this very moment, you’re not confusing that feeling in your stomach for jealousy anymore, but pure happiness for the boy you love, the boy you watched grow up to be the person he is today, chasing his dreams and working as hard as he does. 

He pulls away just barely, lips pecking the tip of your nose warmly. “Thank you. For being there, for telling me that I could do it. I can’t believe they offered me a scholarship. The school of my dreams offered me a scholarship. They want to train me and hopefully get me far.”

“I don’t doubt you for a minute.”

“There’s... something else,” He says, finally letting go of you. “And you’ll figure it out later, but I’m debating if I should be the one to tell you.”

You roll your eyes at the male, standing back to cross your arms against your chest. “Who else would tell me besides you if you’re the one saying it like that? What is it?”

“Actually, come to practice today after class.”

You slouch, disappointed in the decision he concluded with. “I’m always there at practice, do you even have to ask?”

He grins. “Just making sure you’ll be of attendance is all.”

Hoseok is walking with you on route the gym, the tips of his hair peculiarly drenched wet. He hasn’t even started swim practice yet, how is he already on the path of being soaked?

“Why are you so freaking sweaty, Hoseok?” You ask, glancing over at him. He was perspiring more than usual. “It’s not even hot out. Are you anxious about something?”

“No,” He mutters quickly, shaking his head.

“And why are you walking with me to the pool? You never walk with me. You’re being suspicious.” Stopping in your tracks, you turn to look at him, hands in the pockets of your zip-up jacket. “Spit it out. What’s happening? And where’s Jungkook?” You suddenly notice, tilting your head to the side in confusion. 

“Uh, he left to go to practice early.”

“Did he ask you to walk me or something? I’m a big girl, you know. I don’t need someone else walking me to the gym.”

He sighs, slightly frustrated and defeated. “Can’t we just go? It would make more sense if we just... walk into the gym.”

Shrugging, you abide by his instruction and follow him. He opens the doors to the arena, and you swear the humidity is worse than on an average day. You’re grateful you made the decision to tie your hair up in a ponytail that day because if your hair was down, it’d be blown up by now.

Making your way to your everyday spot on the bleachers, you throw your bag onto one of the benches, sliding off the hoodie before you notice Jungkook.

“Hey,” He says, jogging up to meet with you. He has on a smile that exposes his teeth from excitement that you’re not sure from what. “You made it.”

You stare at him questioningly. “I always make it to your practices. Except maybe like... once, but I told you I wasn’t coming.”

“I want you to meet someone.”

There’s a woman who comes from behind Jungkook, dressed in casual business attire, hair let down and fallen on her shoulders as she bows and extends her hand for a shake. You take her offer, hand in hand as you mimic her bow. She introduces herself as the recruiter that gave Jungkook the scholarship, and you thank her for giving him an opportunity, yet you find the greeting ambiguous.

“Jungkook here was able to clear up a couple things for me.”

“Clear up a couple things? What were they?” You ask, playing along to what you weren’t sure with. 

She takes a seat on the bleachers, patting the seat beside her for you. Complying, you settle yourself in the spot. “I actually came several times in search for you and wanted to discuss some things with you. Rather, you’re quick on your feet, aren’t you? You leave fast.”

“Jungkook takes too long to get dressed, I like to wait in the car before him.” You jokingly admit.

The woman smiles, letting out a light laugh. “Rumor has it, you are Kim Taehyung’s personal coach.”

You scoff in disbelief. “Kim Taehyung’s coach? His coach is Coach Choi from our high school, the one standing by the pool over there.”

She shakes her head in disagreement. “No, no. He’s different. Taehyung had mentioned before that there was someone on the team that gave a lot of the guys advice and suggestions that they took, improving consistently. I’ve also heard here from Jungkook himself that you’ve pretty much trained him his entire life, ever since he wanted to get into swimming.”

“I—“ Before you could even finish, she interrupts you mid-sentence. 

“Just once summer. That’s all we’re asking. One summer being an apprentice of our University’s coach before you start your semester. We’re hoping you’d take up our admissions offer as well, it would be an honor for us to mentor you into a career that could benefit us all. You have so much potential. We’re hoping to be able to help mold you into being better than all of us.”

Smack! Jungkook winces, rubbing his arm with a frown on his face. “Baby, what was that for?” The two of you are standing outside in your school’s parking lot beside his car, in public where anyone could witness you giving Jungkook a beating, but you could care less. “It really hurt.”

“I’m glad,” You say through your clenched teeth, feigning another hit in his direction and he flinches. “Why didn’t you warn me?”

“I was going to, remember what I said this morning? But I thought if I mentioned it, you’d get too scared and back out. I needed you there, so I asked Hoseok to make sure you came since I had to meet with her first.”

“I wasn’t going to back out!”

He pulls the handle of the passenger door, opening it for you as he gestures you to get inside. “Yeah, like I believe that.” You frown at his response, sliding into your seat, waiting for him to get to the driver’s side, slamming his door close.

“So, are you going to take the offer?”

“Huh?” You respond dumbfoundedly, as if you never expected him to ask. “Oh. I’m not sure.”

“You’re not?” You shrug in response, slouching in his seat that shifts back slightly— one of the flaws of his worn out car. “I don’t know. What if I’m wasting their time after I find out that this isn’t for me?”

“Then that’s something to worry about in the future. What about now, do you want to do it?”

There’s a lot of uncertainty that lies on the surface, especially since everyone else says you’re good at something but you’re not sure yourself if you feel confident enough to do it. How does a doctor gain enough courage to do what they do everyday? What about a nurse? An engineer, a business owner, an artist, a producer... all of the above? How does one leave the house every morning, ready to go do what they’re considered a profession in, and not feel that insecurity?

“... what if I’m not good at it?” You confide, voice gentle and quiet. There’s no hint of aplomb, just pure apprehensiveness that seeps out of each word that escapes from your lips. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

Jungkook’s orbs soften. You know you shouldn’t be so dependent on someone when it comes to your confidence, but it was hard to be self-assured when you spent half of your life listening to people who didn’t believe in you. “I get it, I shouldn’t be so... negative and putting myself down. It’s just hard knowing that I might actually disappoint someone.”

He shakes his head, turning the key in his ignition as his car does its signature stutter before starting the engine. “You’re not going to disappoint anyone, everyone knows this. The only obstacle right now is yourself.”

Jungkook sounds harsh, harsher than he’d like to admit, but he wants nothing but the best for you. If anyone talked lowly of you, expect him to be first in line to defend you, and even though it’s you that’s talking down on yourself, you’re no exception. 

“I wish you saw yourself through my eyes. The amount of potential, the amount of effort you put into certain things. You don’t need this to be your passion, there’s people out there enjoying the small things in life and they’re just as happy.”

He’s hushed for the rest of the car ride, lost in thought and on a course that he doesn’t inform you where the destination is. The sun is setting over the horizon, the warm pink, orange, and yellow tones remind you of those late cool summers nights you’d spend with Jungkook, laying on a picnic blanket at a park, sharing stories of memories that the two of you shared together. During those times, there weren’t as many responsibilities, no worries in mind. 

“I hope you know that high school isn’t what we’re making it out to be.” Jungkook’s voice shatters the silence, peering a quick glance at you. “We’re making it sound like high school determines the rest of our lives, but it doesn’t. Everyone I know says otherwise. There’s more out there than this.”

“You think so?”

“I know so,” He confirms, a warm smile shooting in your direction. “And I’m going to be there for all of it.”

“What’s all of this?”

He places a light brown wicker basket onto the red checkered picnic blanket that lays on the grassy field of a location that you’re unfamiliar with. You expected Jungkook wanted to go for a drive tonight but this was not what you anticipated. 

“I don’t think we’ve had a real date since we started dating. Plus, I owe you an apology for what I said that day. I was a real dick,”

“Yeah, you were definitely a dick,” You ratify, sitting down with your legs crossed. “But, depending on what’s in that basket, I might just forgive you.”

There’s an assortment of foods— bento boxes full of eggs, vegetables, rice, stir fry chicken, and so on. He didn’t even forget to pack another set of fruits for dessert, and juices for drinks. It’s strange, you think, that Jungkook is putting this much effort because he would usually whine and make you do the packing with him whenever you’d go on picnics or trips together that required cooking food. 

“What— how?”

“It’s our first date, no? Aren’t I supposed to whip out all of the skills to impress you?” He grins innocently. You squint your eyes at him, shoving him slightly. “But you were at practice. We didn’t even drop by at home— did you leave the food in the car the entire time?”

He scoffs. “I’m not stupid! I actually asked Yura to help me. A bit risky because she could’ve eaten all of this. Kind of surprised she didn’t.”

“She... cooked all of this?” He nods, unpacking all the foods. “Yeah, I mean, I probably should have but I was on a bit of a time crunch. She was very helpful.”

Pouting, you pull open the clasps on one of the containers. “I didn’t know she cooked.” Picking up a pair of chopsticks, you pick up a rolled egg omelet that Yura had cleanly sliced, taking a bite. Abruptly, you pause.

“What? Something wrong with it?”

If Yura was better at anything else than eating, it would hands-down be cooking. The flavor of such a simple egg omelet bursted in your mouth, causing it water, yearning for more. “What—Oh my god.” Quickly, you snatch up another slice and shove it into Jungkook’s mouth, who opens up despite being confused. Chewing slowly, his eyes gradually widened in shock. “Oh— ooh. I thought she would just be average but this... this is really good.”

Then a thought pops into your head. Were you so blinded by your own problems that you didn’t even get to celebrate the success of your friend’s? Yura had been with you through thick and thin— from when you were just someone who was friends with the Jeon Jungkook, crushing on him indefinitely, to someone who pushed you to get out of your comfort zone and express your feelings until now, motivating you and putting you in place when you needed it during your doubt in yourself. 

This guy was attractive and he knew it. He would stride his tall frame into every room with confidence radiating from his body with a beaming smile plastered on his face. His laugh was the remedy to a bad day, and if his happiness were an infectious disease, it would be considered contagious. Just being in his proximity gifted you a fragment of his elation but it was enough to feel the major aftereffects. It didn’t feel fair that he was a whole package. Bubblegum pink wavy curls brushing his forehead, doe-like eyes and ears that his friends would make fun of for being big— but was a cute addition to his looks. There had to have been a switch on and off button on him somewhere, because he knew when to suddenly flip from a sweet, charming guy into this sexy man. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, but his mentality was to ‘fuck around’ as much as he could. He had the traits to swoon any girl, easily fishing them into his lap before stringing them along and dropping them in mere moments. It was easy anyway, these girls knew that he wasn’t their soulmate, but he was the closest they could get to one. Maybe he’d be the one they could change and make him fall in love with them, they’d all say.

But he was mine.

Well, at least, he’s supposed to be.

I met him through a mutual friend – well, more of a co-worker really. I lived in Busan for majority of my life, so moving to Seoul for work meant that I lost contact with a lot of my friends back home. Plus, the hours at the office were draining…

So when Minseok approached me at my desk on a Friday morning with a suspicious smile spread across his face, I leaned back on my swivel chair as he invites himself to sit on the pile of paperwork that lay across my workspace. He is always welcomed here, after all, he’s one out of the few friends I have here in the city. 

“Yes? You want something from me?”

“Why do you say it like that?” His mischievous grin was now formed into a pout. “I don’t only come here when I need something from you. We’re friends, aren’t we?” Minseok was the opposite of what a stereotypical 29-year-old would look like – he’s cute, but baby cute. He’s got great features, with his bushy brows and well-sculpted face, but it was more of an “I want to squish his cheeks” kind of reaction he emitted from me. Either way, it didn’t stop the girls in my office from gushing over his looks, constantly trying to get his number.

I hum while twiddling with the pen between my fingers, pursing my lips in suit with his. “Maybe. But you’re definitely here because you need something from me. Cut to the chase—what’s up?”

“Okay, okay,” Minseok is admitting defeat now, slouching in his position as guilt washes over his face. “I noticed the music note on your arm. Is that your soulmate marking?”

“Oh,” I pull my sweater sleeve up just barely on my left arm, pushing my watch down just enough to see the tattoo. “Yeah, it’s a 16th note. I learned how to play the saxophone when I was younger, so I knew what it was when I saw it.”

“About that…” What’s wrong with him? Why does he keep pausing? “I think I know who your soulmate is.”

Minseok is the reason I find myself out-of-place at a club, seated at a bright red booth tucked in a corner that he claims is his friends’, and that I should hang around until I get a glimpse of this guy who he thinks is my soulmate. I’m pulling my blue jeans up that doesn’t quite fit right and opting for a black bodysuit with lace 3/4 sleeves. My hair is let loose with soft curls, one side tucked behind my ear. Honestly, I’m not here to look sexy at a club, but I wanted to look decent enough to meet someone who potentially was ‘the one’. 

But this isn’t exactly where I found myself wanting to meet him.

I’m sitting next to a guy named Kyungsoo, or so he introduces himself as, and I hope that I get his name right because the volume of the speakers are so loud, I can barely hear myself think. It has me wondering if all of Minseok’s friends are just as attractive as he is, because Kyungsoo reeked of beauty. Dressed in all black – including the rims of his glasses were black – he was effortlessly gorgeous. He seemed equally as awkward as I am here, but it’s confirmed that he’s not my soulmate, and that he’s only here because it’s a friend of both his and Minseok’s birthday – another guy named Jongin… who also is not my soulmate.

“How old are you?” Kyungsoo is leaning over behind my ear, hoping that I can hear him. The veins on his neck are bulging from his attempt.

“Twenty-two,” I holler back.

“Oh wow, you’re very young.” He’s pushing his frames up from slipping on his nose before continuing. “Chanyeol is twenty-eight. I’m twenty-seven.”

“Chanyeol?”

“Minseok didn’t tell you his name?” Kyungsoo seems like a well-reserved guy, but his smile at the moment illuminates with impish. “If he’s right, your soulmate is Chanyeol. Tall guy, you won’t miss him.”

“Could you tell me more about him?” He shakes his head in response before using his chin to point over behind me toward a figure walking in the direction of the table.

That’s the first time I meet Chanyeol.

I remember my heart skipping a beat once my eyes laid on him, because almost immediately, I felt the sparks that the stories said there would be. There were always these posts on forums about how people met their soulmate – how everything around them seemed to change. The way they perceived color and taste were different because now it was enhanced and that they were on a high that couldn’t be described in any other way. Words didn’t do the emotions justice. It was just pure elation.

Even well renounced authors couldn’t even put to words what it felt like. Bliss, maybe? No, it was better than that.

Plus—it was troublesome to compare my experience with theirs when I’m inside a club where it’s dark and the lights are flashing and flickering.

His hair looked fluffy. I wanted to run my fingers through those luscious locks, and the shade of pink in his hair made him look more adorable than sexy, despite his outfit. Black leather jacket, with matching black jeans, and a white t-shirt were his get-up, and as he was approaching the table, his hands were stuffed into the front pockets of his pants before he changes his route and strides toward Jongin who stands by the booth. Jongin’s cheeks were already flushed on his bronzed skin when I first meet him entering in the club, but he’s more than happy to have a stranger join in on his party shenanigans. However, the change of emotions on his face expressed the evident adoration he had for the taller male, because moments later, he has his arms wrapped around him with laughter that could be heard throughout the club.

“Chanyeol!” Jongin exclaims, and my claimed-to-be soulmate ruffles the birthday boy’s hair with a smile on his face. My heart clenched at that moment and I swore for a second I had a heart attack. “Happy Birthday, Jongin. Party the night away, bro.”

He slides into the booth across from Kyungsoo and I, exchanging handshakes with the other male before offering one to me. He’s using his right hand to greet me, so I don’t get a glimpse of his supposedly tattooed wrist.

“I’m Chanyeol,” He says, and I take his hand with a firm grip, and I feel that spark between the two of us again. He must have felt the something too, because he abruptly escapes from the grasp with a soft chuckle. “Sorry, I might have shocked you. I rub my socks on carpets in my free time.” He jokes.

Kyungsoo introduces me as Minseok’s friend, and it’s like a light bulb goes off on top of Chanyeol’s head. “Ah, the soulmate. He’s really trying to get me to settle down, isn’t he?” His face looks like he’s going to play along, quickly locking eyes with Minseok in the crowd before gesturing the older male over.

“Hey, I see you’ve met my friend, your soulmate.” Minseok is grinning from ear to ear, and I can’t tell if it’s him playing around with his friend that’s bringing him the overwhelming excitement or the alcohol in his system.

“She has a name, hyung, and it’s not ‘your soulmate.’ I’m about to ask her if I can see her marking to compare, and since you’re so damn adamant about us meeting, I figured you should witness it yourself.”

“Okay, well shoot. Do it.” Minseok is looking at me as I slip off the watch on my wrist, dropping it on the table while Chanyeol tugs down the sleeve of his jacket before resting his arm beside my watch. I place my own next to his, and Minseok is already clapping in awe.

It’s a match.

“Fuck, what—fuck. What?” He’s grabbing my wrist now, moving out of his side of the booth before slipping in next to me, pushing me into Kyungsoo. Chanyeol’s in disbelief, and I can hear the snickering coming from the other side of me. “But I’m only twenty-eight!”

“Dude, you shouldn’t be at a bar on a Tuesday night trying to pick up girls at your age. This is a good thing.” Minseok is in Chanyeol’s previous seat now, and his face is glimmering with excitement. “You can finally chill out and stop acting like a college student.”

“This is a joke right?” He’s scoffing, dropping my hand in the process and I wince at the abrupt action because I hit my hand on the edge of the table. “This is a temporary tattoo or something, because there’s no way.”

“You’re twenty-eight, Chanyeol, did you think you were never going to meet your soulmate?” Kyungsoo chimes in, swirling the beer in the cup in his hand. “Jongin is already married, and he’s one of the babies in the group.” Jongin has a wife? He didn’t seem like it… but I guess don’t judge a book by its cover, right?

“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol’s standing now, looking down at me and I feel small. “I thought I would be lucky enough to not meet my soulmate. There are so many people who haven’t. Yeah, I’m not doing this. Sorry, you’re going to have to find someone else.” Before I could even let a word out of my mouth, he’s already lost in the crowd.

“Sorry about that,” Minseok looks like a sad kitten when he’s talking to me, pity spewing with each word that he says. “I honestly thought he was going to drop the act and actually try getting to know you.”

I want to say that it’s fine, but I’m not. Chanyeol only knew my name and that I was his soulmate, and in the matter of seconds, he concluded that he didn’t want this. My face is frozen, and I’m completely dumbfounded.

My soulmate doesn’t fucking want me. My soulmate, the person who was supposed to love me. The person I was supposed to love. I have waited twenty-two years to meet a man who ends up crafted as everything that I wasn’t, but was the person who was supposed to fit into me like a missing puzzle piece.

“Hey, are you okay?” Another guy – great, another one—comes to the table and he looks perturbed. “I’m sorry about Chanyeol, I was watching from the side because I thought I could witness him meeting his soulmate but it didn’t seem to turn out the way I assumed…” He’s distorted with worry, the same expression that’s drawn on both Minseok and Kyungsoo’s faces. “I can get you an Uber or something if you want to go home. I don’t think you’d want to stay here after that, right? Ah, I’m Junmyeon, by the way. Part of the group.”

“He’s the mom of the group if that makes you feel any better. He’s always the sober one, you’ll be safe with him.” Contrition clouds Minseok’s expression.

Junmyeon doesn’t look like a mom; in fact, he looks far from a mom. I don’t know where Minseok finds his friends because Junmyeon looks like a piece of artwork that belongs at a museum. He’s wearing two loose dress shirts layered that aren’t buttoned-up all the way, exposing a bit of his bare chest. It’s a questionable choice of fashion, I admit, but he makes it work.

I can’t even bring myself to speak, so I just nod. I type in my address into Junmyeon’s phone before he takes it away, tracking the driver. My soulmate doesn’t want me. That’s all I could think about.

“Don’t feel bad,” Kyungsoo interrupts my thoughts as he slides an unopened beer bottle toward my direction, implying that I should drink just a bit to forget my issues as Junmyeon is tracking the whereabouts of the driver. “Chanyeol… he likes to live his life differently. We only come to these places during special occasions—like Jongin’s birthday, or Minseok’s bachelor party. But Chanyeol… this is like a ritual for him to come every weekend.”

I take up on Kyungsoo’s offer and open myself the beer, taking a couple gulps before letting out a sigh. “It’s… It’s not fine, but I guess I will be fine. I want to try to convince him, so maybe I can meet him in a different place another time?” I suggest, and it seems that both Kyungsoo and Minseok like that idea because their faces brighten a bit.

I finish the beer coincidentally at the same time that Junmyeon tells me the Uber is here and that he’ll walk me out. We exchange numbers because he wants to make sure that I get home safe, and I comply – he’s attractive, the mom of the group, so I figured I could trust him.

But then we’re outside of the club, and I’m cold without a jacket, and I’m doubtful that I’m just exaggerating, but I feel like my heart was being pulled out of my chest, thrown onto the floor, and stomped on.

I didn’t mean to stare, and I probably have been standing here watching this whole thing unfold for about 5 minutes now. Chanyeol’s in the alleyway with some girl he probably just met, her back against the red brick wall where the streetlight barely brushes them but it’s like my senses were heighted to see the actions clearly. Her arms were wrapped around his neck, and although his head was tilted in my direction, attempting to hide the explicit actions between the two, any idiot would know what they were doing.

It hurt. My chest was in so much pain, twisting and turning like someone’s grasp was on it, but before it could get any worse, Junmyeon steps in front of me, pulling me into his arms. “Why are you watching? Don’t you know it physically hurts when you see your soulmate do… things like that with someone else?” I’m muttering ‘no’ in his shirt, and I feel the fabric hanging on him was damp – oh. It was because of me. I was crying. I didn’t know who Chanyeol was until today yet he has me bursting with tears in the arms of a stranger.

Chanyeol doesn’t even know me, and he’s already dismissed me from his life. He doesn’t know what my favorite color is, what I enjoy in my pastime, what my most watched show is, and what foods I enjoy. He doesn’t know my personality, what makes me as a person, my biggest fears, my dreams and aspirations but just one look, he knew he didn’t want me anymore.

He pulls away from the woman when he hears footsteps descending in the background, and sees that it’s me with Junmyeon walking away from the scene. What I later learned was that in that brief moment, he felt a stinging pain in his chest too.

After texting Junmyeon that night that I got home safely and reassuring that I was going to be okay (eventually, at least), we exchanged texts daily. I learned a lot about him, like how he enjoyed composing music in his spare time, which I found out later that Chanyeol does the same thing, except as a profession. I don’t tell him that I had known this about Chanyeol because of a previous dream. He works in a stereotypical office setting, something about trade management, but he claims that it’s just a job that pays the bills, and his passions are elsewhere.

We don’t meet, but we text frequently. I also see Minseok everyday at work, and he treats me as he did before, which I appreciate because it’s distasteful to talk about the circumstances of Jongin’s birthday party.

“What are you doing this weekend?” Minseok again is inviting himself to the little office space I have that is bombarded with rolls of architectural drawings and stacks of paperwork that needed reviewing. He skims through the documents that splatter, but he has absolutely no clue what he’s looking at for someone being in the financial department.

“Uh, probably catching up on work,” That question always strung along with a proposal to hang out, and I had prepared an excuse why I didn’t want – I mean, couldn’t go.

“My friends and I are going to the beach. We have a whole beach house that we rented out for the entire weekend, and seeing that you’re clicking well with Junmyeon, I think you should come along. Plus, you get to meet my soulmate!”

“Hayoung, right?”

“Yes, Hayoung. I think you’d like her; she has the same tolerance for spicy food like you do. And... It’s been months since you’ve actually hung out with me on a weekend.” He’s talking about the incident and I feel something churning in the pit of my stomach. But, he’s right. I don’t have any friends here, and I would have Junmyeon to hang out with when Minseok is occupied.

“Mm, alright fine, but just this once. No more funny business like last time right?”

His face falls into a frown, and he’s still remorseful about the fated night, but I’ve told him multiple times that he’s all forgiven, and it wasn’t his fault for what occurred.

It’s been almost 6 months since I last saw Chanyeol. I note this because the seasons have changed, and the harsh, brisk wind that slaps my face in the days aren’t present, but replaced with the blistering heat of the sun that June brings.

I chose to drive myself to the location that Minseok sends me instead of carpooling… just in case I needed to quickly escape any distressing social situations.

The house is seemly huge—there looks like there could be 10 rooms (eventually I find out that there isn’t even enough for all of us), and it’s by the water with multiple cars parked out in the front of it, which I can only assume, belong to Minseok’s friends. The roof shingles are blue with accents throughout the home that match the sea, seashells and decor splattered across the surfaces. I park my old, beat up Lexus sedan that belonged to my grandfather previously behind one of vehicles, and I’m surprised that I even make it here in one piece.

The salty ocean aroma fills the air and it mixes in with the charcoal burning from the backyard as I enter into the threshold of the home. I drag my duffle bag beside me, dropping it by the other suitcases and backpacks that sit in the living room of the home before making my way back to where everyone was grouped outside.

There are a couple new people that I haven’t seen before (who supposedly were at the club) since the last encounter with Minseok’s friends when I get to the back porch – Jongdae, Baekhyun, Sehun, and Yixing are their names. Hayoung is helping Minseok carry in additional groceries from the car, but she still says her greetings as she’s carrying one side of a cooler. A woman is standing beside Jongdae, who I believe is his wife, gifts him a peck on his cheek before briskly walking by me with a baby resting on her shoulder, whispering a quick ‘hello!’ to me before going into the house to set the little one down. Kyungsoo is manning the grill before I even arrive, and he’s gesturing me to come over with his cooking tongs to help him out. Junmyeon is standing beside him with a knife in his hand, and he looks lost after Kyungsoo gives him direction.

“Come help, hyung is useless,” He hisses, glaring at the older male through his glasses.

“I’m sorry,” Junmyeon is pouting playfully before he places down the knife. “I’m trying!”

“Sure, sure,” I find myself mimicking the tender smile Junmyeon has on his face when he locks his eyes with mine. “I’ll replace Junmyeon here.”

There are bell peppers, onions, and pre-cut cubed of beef lying by the grill beside the naked skewers sticks. I chop the vegetables before guiding Junmyeon to replicate my actions, sliding the pieces onto the stick before Kyungsoo cooks it.

“Do you know how to cook?” Junmyeon asks, but his eyes don’t leave his hands because he’s too preoccupied with his work.

“A bit, I live alone, so I kind of have to.”

“Ah, I live with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol so… Kyungsoo pretty much cooks every night.” I see from my peripheral vision that Kyungsoo has a proud grin on his face as he’s flipping the skewers on the grill. “So much for being their hyung and taking care of them, right? Chanyeol and I can’t even cook rice, we just get the instant ones when Soo isn’t around.”

“That’s nice though,” I stuff a piece of cubed beef to complete his skewer stick before trading it with my empty one. “You never have to cook. I always have to find new recipes because I get bored of the food I make.”

“Maybe you can teach me sometime. Learn new recipes and teach a beginner.” He’s gleaming with happiness, which can only be from the fact that the people surround him are the ones he loves the most. We’ve become friends over time, in spite of the fact that we haven’t met in person since Jongin’s birthday.

“Sure, I’d be more than happy to.”

“In exchange, I’ll bring the groceries. That’s my payment to you for being my teacher,” He winks, and my cheeks grow pink. There’s a slight possibility that Junmyeon is growing on me, and I might have a crush on him.

“I thought you weren’t coming,” I heard a voice from behind me, and I know it belongs to Chanyeol because I get chills down my spine. I’m filling up my cup from the tap with water while leaning against the kitchen sink.

“Minseok suggested that I come.”

“These places aren’t really your thing though, you’d rather be at home working.” Chanyeol is opening the fridge, grabbing himself a beer can. He opens it and brings the cold beverage to his lips, my eyes wandering to his neck as his adam’s apple bobs as he drinks, but I pause and refrain myself from letting my imagination run wild. Either way, I’m left questioning how he would know what my preferences are.

“How would you know? We don’t even talk.”

“I’m your soulmate, I know everything about you.” He wipes his upper lip with his sleeve, and there’s something erotic about it. I quickly shake my head again from these inappropriate thoughts and furrow my brows in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“You haven’t gotten the dreams yet?” He pushes the can toward my direction, gesturing that I take a sip and I decline.

“No… what dreams are you talking about?” I’m not playing dumb, I really didn’t know what he was talking about, but his expression conveyed otherwise.

“All my dreams are of you, and you’re never doing anything interesting in it. I saw you visit your family a couple times, maybe had some dinners or lunches with friends back in Busan, but nothing else. Do you have any hobbies?” 

No, but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

“Well, if you’re fucking around all the time, it’s not going to show up in her dreams, you idiot.” Another voice enters in the conversation and room. It’s Hayoung coming in with Jongdae’s wife, who I still haven’t learned the name of, but I’m a bit embarrassed to ask her.

“Dreams?” I’m still perplexed by the situation, because if I’m being honest, I don’t quite understand this whole ‘soulmate’ thing other than you’re meant to be with them. I’ve never met anyone in the same situation as me, so I never learned the side effects of the rejection.

“You get dreams about your soulmate if you meet and choose to not be together. It’s a punishment, but it’s not brutal, so it’s not going to show you a scene of him hooking up with someone else. It’ll just make you regret.” Jongdae’s wife is talking now, shoving Chanyeol away from the fridge to grab the carton of milk to fill up the small bottles she has lined up on the counter.

Chanyeol chuckles at the comment, taking another sip of his beer. “So, I should regret not sitting by her while she’s working on some project? What are you even building by the way? Pipes?”

“It’s a mechanical system of a building,” I utter, and I’m dissatisfied immediately at my own response. Why would I even tell him that? Why would he even care? It makes me sound even more boring than I already am.

“Ah, there it goes. Another reason why I’m not feeling that regret you’re talking about.”

Hayoung is shaking her head in disapproval, arms crossed against her chest as she watches Jongdae’s wife finishing up the bottles of milk for the baby. “Maybe not right now, but it’ll build up. Before you know it, you’re going to be the one wishing that’s it’s you holding up the light instead of a lamp above her work just so you could do something to be next to her.”

When Chanyeol is with his friends, the best qualities of him come out when they’re around. He might be avoiding the real version of himself when he’s with me, but I get a glimpse into his world when I’m at these outings that Minseok and Junmyeon insist that I attend.

Chanyeol is playing the “attendance” game with the guys, and his competitiveness brings out a different side of him, but he’s determined to win, even if the prize is just being able to slap the loser on the back.

Baekhyun loses—again, and they’re all crowded around, not even taking turns, but in unison smacking his back as he grimaces in pain.

And when we’re out at the beach, sinking our toes into the sand and absorbing in the warmth of the sun, he makes a game out of out nowhere to play with his friends, laughter filling the air. He’s not laughing with me, but I still find myself feeling whole at the sound. 

I’ve come to realize how easy it is for someone to fall in love with Chanyeol. He cared for no one more than his friends and family, and I start to see this when he’s talking fondly about his older sister and her kids when he sees Jongdae’s baby. His expression resembled child-like wonder when he’s playing with the girl, and it makes me ponder what he’d be like as a father—ah fuck, scratch that. He said doesn’t want to be with me.

There are moments where I’m convinced that I’ve gone insane, because when I’m eating a burger at the dinner table, he reaches out with a napkin in his hand to wipe the smear of ketchup off my cheek. Or the time when they ran out of water bottles at the beach and it was scorching hot, and he drinks a bit from his bottle before giving me the rest because I didn’t have one. Not quite sure what brings him to be so affectionate, so it feels odd. 

The weekend sooner or later reaches to an end, and I had to resume back to work.

I’m attacked from behind at the office with more tasks than ever. It feels like there are at least 5 more folders that are added to the stack daily, and the mountains of paperwork overwhelm me. Minseok visits from time to time, dropping off snacks majority of the time because I don’t take up on his offers to have lunch together simply due to the fact that I didn’t have any time.

Despite all of that, Junmyeon still makes the effort to see me. He comes by several times a week, and just as promised, he’s providing the groceries and I’m teaching him how to cook. He entertains and keeps me company in my quiet apartment, but continues to be a wonderful distraction to the stress that I receive from work.

We’re cooking kimchi jjigae, and albeit that we both have aprons on, I still manage to get some on my t-shirt. I grumble in repulsion of how I could be so unladylike in front of a guy I’m trying to impress.

“It’s okay,” He comforts, and that signature smile makes an appearance yet again tonight. “It’s cute, it’s the style now.”

“What? Kimchi splatter?” I’m stirring the beef at the bottom of the pot, motioning him to monitor my actions. “You should let the meat cook, occasionally moving it around so it doesn’t burn. Cut the onions and mushrooms in the meantime.” 

He abides by instruction, making his way to the cutting board and begins to chop the vegetables ardently. “You look good in anything, even kimchi splatter.” I let out a laugh of disbelief in return, but his expression proved that his compliment was authentic. 

Everything about Junmyeon is art. His laugh is like the melody to your favorite song, and his smile shone brighter than the sunlight that peeks through the curtains of a Sunday morning. Listening to him speak about his aspirations, his interests in artwork, and his times with his friends remind me of a character in the novel that only spewed out perfections without a single flaw in their body. Junmyeon was selfless, elegant, and intelligent. A whole package, as someone would say, but a completely different package from Chanyeol. 

So when Junmyeon confesses that he might have some feelings for me, I don’t hesitate in telling him that I might feel something for him in return.

“Listen,” He begins, tapping his fingers against the lid of his iced Americano anxiously. We’re sitting in a coffee shop on a Thursday, after having lunch together at a ramen place he suggests. “This is a bit different from how I would normally date. You actually met your soulmate, you know who he is.”

“But he doesn’t want me,” I interject, and I don’t want him to continue with more reasons as to why we shouldn’t be together. “He doesn’t want me so it makes the decision not to be with him easier. I’m ready to move on, Junmyeon. At least let me try to do that with you.”

The expression on his face suggests how uneasy he’s feeling, and he’s hesitating before speaking again. “I… we can try, but I really don’t want to put a label on this yet. Let’s date, hangout, and see how it goes, okay? I don’t want to get hurt.”

I agree to his terms. I understand why he’s feeling that way; it’s even harder when my soulmate is one of his best friends.

He takes me out on dates, mostly to museums to show me his favorite artworks and his personal interpretation of the pieces. Junmyeon is passionate about things like this, and hearing his thoughts and views had become my favorite pastime. He asks me what my interests are, and I’m a bit flustered because my work is my passion. I wasn’t sure how else to show him, so I take him to the Gangnam District one night, and he’s confused.

“Why did you pick here specifically?” It’s a cold night, and he’s wearing a black turtleneck with khakis, and a light brown trench coat with matching dark backpack that’s slung over his shoulder.

“You know what Minseok does for a living, right?” He hums in thought at my question for a moment before responding. 

“He said he works in the financial department of an architecture firm. Am I right?”

“Correct, but do you have any idea of what I do?” Junmyeon pauses for a moment, and he raises a brow.

“Honestly, now that I think of it, I kind of always assumed you did the same thing. But I don’t quite think numbers were your passion,” He chuckles.

“Nope,” I click my tongue, jokingly disappointed as we’re walking down the streets, the lights illuminating from the buildings surrounding us but we don’t see stars in the sky in a city like this. “I’m an architect. I design buildings. I haven’t gotten the chance to design a building myself, just systems within it, but one day, I’d like to change the Seoul skyline. Create something of my own, build something bigger than me. I know you specifically like the works of artists that focuses more on the nature of things, but… something about the city is beautiful to me.”

Junmyeon is watching me as I spill my thoughts, and I physically feel the love radiating from him. Maybe I can learn to love him too.

At this same moment, I later find out that Chanyeol is dreaming of my date with Junmyeon, and his heart aches. He suddenly wishes that he were the one listening to my passions, and holding my hand while he shares his own.

I’ve been meeting Junmyeon weekly now, so frequently that he even has the passcode to my apartment. In addition, he’s been great at occupying my thoughts from these dreams I’ve been having. Almost every night, these scenarios of a typical relationship with Chanyeol would appear—doing laundry, cooking, movie dates… there was even a sex dream. It made me a little uncomfortable waking up from that nap, because my head was rested on Junmyeon’s shoulder on the couch. I must have fallen asleep in the midst of the movie.

“Finally awake? If I knew documentaries weren’t your thing, I wouldn’t have forced you to watch it.” He has a Cheshire’s grin that spreads from ear to ear and a chuckle the escapes from his lips. “Sorry, work has just been exhausting lately. I haven’t been getting much sleep.” I concede, and a bit guilty for sleeping through the movie but also dreaming about another man right next to him. Regardless, he’s interlocking our fingers together at this point, giving me a forgiving gaze.

“Don’t worry, I like having you next to me.” His words melt my heart, and I hate that I’m comparing him to Chanyeol because it’s not the same way that Chanyeol makes me feel.

Work had been exhausting, but not exhausting enough to find myself standing outside of a flower shop, beside Chanyeol who is equally as bewildered as I am. I couldn’t remember how I got there, uncertain how Chanyeol did either, and how long we’ve been standing here.

“I—did we agree to meet here or something?” He questions. Chanyeol looks different. His hair isn’t pink anymore, but it’s a dirty blonde. It didn’t matter what shade his hair was, what outfit he wore, he just pulled off any look he wanted effortlessly. He’s dressed casually, probably coming from the recording studio.

“I… I’m not sure.” I’m scratching my head, looking at the reflection of myself in the shop’s window before I realize how I look. My hair is greasy, tied up in a messy bun, and I’m wearing a t-shirt that’s stained with kimchi that splattered on me from my cooking lessons with Junmyeon whilst in the baggiest sweatpants. I was working from home that week because my new project didn’t have an office space set up for me yet, so I took advantage of the opportunity to dress like a bum in the comfort of my home. But… I’m not home; I’m very much out in public with Chanyeol.

He shrugs off the bizareness of the situation before facing me completely. “Anyway, since I have you here, can you stop having those moments with hyung?”

“What?”

“I keep seeing your dates with him every time I sleep. I see when you hold hands, when you sleep together—I see everything. I thought that these dreams weren’t supposed to be brutal.”

“How am I supposed to control that?” I feel my neck getting hot, and I’m furious with his words, but I don’t want him to have that leverage over me.

“I don’t know, just stop or something.” He dismisses me before walking away toward the opposite direction.

This happens a couple more times, and there’s no real explanation for it. I can’t manipulate my dreams and it becomes difficult to distinguish what’s a dream and reality anymore.

There’s a knock on my door but I’m too tired to get up.

It’s been 3 days since Junmyeon left on his business trip, and with my luck, I got sick the day after he departed. It’s probably due to the rainstorm that hit the other day, and I forget my umbrella at the office so I’m drenched by the time I’m home. I’m now alone in my small apartment, trying to convince myself I’m okay by occasionally heating up the leftover delivery of Soondubu I ordered a couple days prior. However, I’m currently prioritizing slumber.

The knock gets louder. The person is adamant about getting my attention; if it was a telemarketer, they would’ve left already. I grab my phone that lies right beside my face to see if there’s any new missed phone call notifications—none. If it were one of my friends, they’d call after the first attempt right?

Then I hear the beeping from the keypad on the door. Someone’s pressing in the passcode into my apartment. The lock dings in confirmation and clicks—whomever it is… they’ve successfully gotten into my apartment. Is this when I die?

“Dude, where are you?” The door shuts behind the footsteps, and it’s a familiar deep baritone voice that calls out for me, but I’m glued to the mattress, wrapped in my blankets like a burrito. He’s just going to have to kill me like this. I’m probably the easiest victim this killer is ever going to encounter.

There’s a tall figure that reaches to my bed, and despite my horrible eyesight, I squint enough to make out the features of his face. He has a facemask on, but it’s tucked below his chin, and he has a beanie on that matches his hoodie’s shade of grey. It’s Chanyeol. Am I dreaming? Is this another one of those hallucinations?

He kneels down beside me, utilizing the back of his hand to test the temperature of my forehead, then wipes the sweat off it with his fingers which feel like ice against my skin. I could almost hear myself sizzle from the impact. “Where’s Junmyeon? He called me saying that you haven’t responded to any of his texts. He can’t call for some reason. He’s worried.”

“Oh, away. I saw he texted earlier. I must have drift off midway through typing.”

Chanyeol sighs, clicking his tongue before getting up from the bed and snatching my phone from my side. “Password? It’s not going to recognize your face when you’re looking like that.” Ouch. “1616,” I respond before shuffling back into hiding position within my blankets. Maybe my cheeks are flushed from the fact that my passcode is 1616, like the 16th note on our wrists—but I’m going to blame it on the fever. I’m hot yet cold at the same time, and I can’t even gather the energy to argue with him about my appearance right now.

“Hey,” He’s talking to someone on the other line as he paces around the room with a hand on his hip and brows furrowed in slight frustration. “She’s home, she’s been sick. Not sure how long, but she’s looking like a wreck.” Chanyeol lets out a sigh, tapping his feet against the hardwood floors of my room, and it occurs to me that he’s never been in my house before. It’s also been a while since I’ve cleaned. 

He’s tightening his lips into a straight line as he listens to who I assume is Junmyeon on the other line. “It’s fine hyung, you don’t need to come back. Just finish your work there; I’ll get Minseok to come check in every once in a while. I’ll give you another call before I leave.”

After hanging up, he diverts his attention back to me before letting out another exasperated sigh. “Did you eat anything yet? Take any medicine?”

“No,” I mutter under my breath. Honestly, I wasn’t in the mood to talk, and his attitude wasn’t convincing me to try to uphold the conversation either. “It’s not time for me to get up yet.”

“It’s already 1pm, what do you mean you’re not ready to get up yet?” He’s in the process of taking off his facemask and beanie now, throwing it on the chair by my desk before rolling up his sleeves and making his way out the room. He’s gone for what feels like eternity because my eyelids are slowly drooping shut when I hear his loud steps coming from the hall with a bucket in one hand, and a towel in another.

“I’m going to clean you up,” He announces, placing the bucket on the nightstand by my bed. “I bet you haven’t showered in days, and I can already tell you reek.”

“You can tell or smell?” That’s all the comebacks I can get out of me, because Chanyeol is already inviting himself to pull the covers off my weak frame tugging on the hem of my hoodie, gesturing me to take it off. “Let me wipe you down.”

“I’m not stripping in front of you, Chanyeol.” I may be on the last portion of my human battery level, but I’m not stupid. “I’m naked under this. I don’t have a bra on.”

“Okay, but I’m your soulmate. I’ve seen you naked countless of times in my dreams. So please, take it off so I can clean you up.” So… he has seen me naked too? Does he have those sex dreams too? Should I be working to get abs if he’s dreaming about how I look under this too? Because in comparison to him—

My thoughts are interrupted when he helps himself by pulling the hoodie off my body instead of waiting for my response. I don’t even have the chance to feel insecure when he begins wiping my arms and underneath with the wet rag. I know the water is warm, but my body temperature is too hot to be able to tell the difference. It’s silent when he does this, and when he’s done with the upper half of my body, he dresses me before tugging on my pants gently. “I’m going to do your lower half now.”

I must have fallen asleep briefly from his delicate touches because once my eyes flutter open, he’s already done and my sweats are on. I couldn’t even remember being embarrassed of him seeing my bare body, because he’s already tucking me back under the covers, checking my body heat once again with the back of his hand before throwing the rag back into the bucket.

He’s leaving the room and I still can’t translate the expression on his face. I thought that meeting your soulmate was supposed to make things easier, not harder.

I think I doze off yet again, because this time when I’m stirring awake and Chanyeol is sitting in a chair beside my bed with a tray full of things. There’s a mug, medicine, and a bowl in front of him, and this is where I get to finally see his features a lot more clearly.

His hair is brown now—I’m unsure when he dyed it, but makes him look tamed compared to how he actually is. The black circles under his eyes were like a trophy to his exhaustion, probably from the endless cycles of staying up all night, working on his composition pieces at the recording studio. I haven’t talked to him much, but my dreams update me with what he was up to, more than he would ever tell me.

“Here,” He’s holding a couple of pills in his palm with a cup of water in the other hand. “Take this, and eat some of the soup I made you. You need to actually have something in your system to feel better.” I feel like a 7-year-old child being lectured by her father, but to be fair… I’m acting like one. For once, I decide not to start a fight and comply, taking the pills into my mouth and drinking from the glass he’s holding before handing it back. The size of it makes it tough to swallow, and I can feel it sitting in my throat.

“Open.” His face is making it hard to read any of his emotions, but he has the spoonful of what I assume is chicken soup near my face, I stare at him for a moment before opening my mouth questioningly as he feeds me. If he’s poisoning me right now, I think I’d be okay with it because the soup surprisingly tastes delicious.

Honestly… after meeting Chanyeol, I never thought I could possibly even imagine this scenario. He’s actually… feeding me. He’s taking care of me while I’m sick. His face is distorted from the worry he has for me, but there’s hints of anger because I obviously couldn’t manage myself. I let him look after me while my thoughts run in circles, thinking what if Junmyeon had been here. I would’ve never been able to see Chanyeol in this light.

How many times have I fallen asleep with him here?

I feel something heavy on my midriff, and a warm body pressed from behind that has me turning around curiously to face the suspect, only to bump noses with the one and only—Chanyeol. Nose scrunched up from the impact, he has his one arm wrapped around me, my head resting on the other, and his body spooning my own. He looks peaceful like this, quiet – not a word coming from his mouth that strings along insults toward me, and his brows aren’t wrinkled in frustration like it always is when he’s looking at me. His mouth is slightly agape, and I can’t help but stare at his plump lips. My heart is fluttering just at the sight of him, stomach boiling from anxiety that it reminds me of my encounters with my first crush in middle school. He spent the whole day taking care of me, and he’s probably exhausted, knocking out right next to me, potentially infected with this fever I have.

I despise myself being in this position. I should tell him to move – I’m trying to convince Junmyeon that I didn’t have feelings for Chanyeol, and Chanyeol didn’t feel anything for me either, despite being soulmates, but right now… I like the feeling of being in his arms, I like that I can feel his chest moving against my back with his soft patterned breathing, and I like that he’s snuggling in just to feel closer to me.

Chanyeol is stirred awake, shuffling in his position as he rubs his face with the arm that once draped over me. I quickly turn myself back to face away from him and pretended to sleep before I feel his nose nuzzling into the crook of my neck as he hums quietly, and I’m not sure if he recognizes I’m awake or not with this action.

He’s muttering against my skin, and I’m unable to tell the difference between the warmth of his breath as he speaks, or if it’s my fever acting up again. “Is it too late to tell you that I want you to be mine? Am I the first person to lose their soulmate by making the mistake of telling her I didn’t want to be with her?” Chanyeol pauses for a moment, before he takes in a deep breath. “I care about hyung, and I know he’s developing feelings for you… but I really want to steal you away. I think I’m in love with you.”

Okay—I’m steaming hot. I can feel my face and ears flushing crimson, and I can’t say anything because I’m supposed to be sleeping, and I wouldn’t even know how to respond anyway.

I felt his lips pressed against my neck, and chills go down my spine before he releases me from his hold, getting up from the bed before making his way out of the room and possibly into the kitchen. I’m kicking off the sheets from my body, sitting against the bed frame, and my heart is beating so fast and hard that I can’t keep up.  

This is everything I asked for. Just to be with my soulmate – but then Junmyeon is running laps through my mind every time I get closer to Chanyeol, and vice versa. Before today, I was okay with knowing that Junmyeon might be it, he might be my end game and although we weren’t bounded together, his feelings for me were genuine… plus not everyone ends up with their soulmate, right?

“I’m the stars, and you’re the city. You can’t see the stars in the city because of all the lights surrounding it, and I’ve already come to terms that Chanyeol is that light for you. I know that you’re going to try to convince me otherwise, but it’s a natural instinct for you to go to him, and it’s okay.” Poetic, even when he’s breaking my heart.

Junmyeon is leaning on the railing that perimeters the Han River, hair tucked in his black beanie that contrasts with his primary multi-color Northface jacket that compliments him so well. His cheeks are tinted pink from the crisp winter air and it reminds me that another year has passed since I’ve met him.

“I’m happy that I got to be with you, even if it was just for a moment. But I knew that I didn’t have you completely; there was still a part of you that resided with Chanyeol.”

“Please don’t do this,” I blurted. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this if you’re happy with me.”

He turns to face me, and his lips tug into an apologetic smile. His hands are rested on my shoulders in reassurance, knowing that this isn’t something he wants to do, but Junmyeon is altruistic. This is something Chanyeol needs, and he’d do anything to make his friend happy. It’s who Junmyeon is, and I can’t help but admire him for it.

“He’ll be here for you this time. He learned from his mistakes, and he’s willing to try. Why don’t you give him a chance?”

“He didn’t give me a chance when we met.” Tears are brimming in my eyes because the one person I thought wasn’t going to go is leaving me. “I thought you said you were going to stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” His thumb is pressed against my cheek, swiping away the stream coming from my eyes. “But Chanyeol is made for you. You’re never going to be able to love me like him. Your dreams are eventually going to take over, and whenever you see him with someone else, and when he sees me with you, it’s going to hurt the both of you physically.”

“We don’t have to see him—“

“You know I can’t do that. He’s like a brother to me.” He bites his bottom lip for a brief moment in thought before what it feels like forever, he speaks again. “When I left that week, I felt uneasy asking him to come check in on you. I knew that he wasn’t going to be able to hold back. He told me that after spending some time with you, despite the fact he’s met up with all these girls that only made him feel empty inside, he finally felt whole seeing you. He didn’t want to be with you because he wanted to option to choose you, he didn’t want someone, or something like fate to decide for him.”

I’m left without words, and I turn my head because it’s proven difficult to gather the courage to look at his face.

“I need you to be strong, and let me go. You won’t be as happy with me as you are with him. It’s how the universe works, love.”

I’ve been crying for days, and Junmyeon still hasn’t responded to any of my texts or calls. Eyes swollen that my face has become indistinguishable, my phone’s facial recognition just tells me to punch in the code now. I couldn’t even bring myself to leave my apartment anymore, so I’ve taken personal days off from work – I usually never did this since my emotions never truly got to the best of me, but it might have been the heartbreak and the constant overworking that finally broke me down.

I’m wrapped in my blanket once again, this time I’m not sick with a fever, but diagnosed with a broken heart. Bob’s Burgers is playing on the television screen in front of me; the show that once easily brought me light laughter from the stupidity of the jokes, suddenly doesn’t. I feel numb. 

There’s a knock at the door, and there’s nothing in me that wants to get up to see the unwelcomed visitor, but my legs beat my thoughts to it because I’m already opening the door.

“Sorry, I know I’m probably the last person you want to see.” Bags of groceries occupy his hands, and he lifts an arm up to show. Chanyeol is wearing a baseball cap, a black t-shirt that hangs loose from his body and blue jeans. How’s he still so handsome like this? Wait. No, I’m pissed at him. “Let me at least take care of you while you’re grieving.”

“I’m grieving because of you,” I spat. “If you just agreed to be with me in the first place, I wouldn’t have been with Junmyeon, and we could have been fine. If you just continued to fuck around, Junmyeon would’ve just stayed. You had to tell him that you wanted this?”

“You know he wouldn’t have stayed if he knew you felt something for me.” And for the first time, I agreed with him. I have been shoving my emotions down my throat, refraining myself from being completely honest with Junmyeon because the dreams had been eating me up inside. I was running out of energy, day by day, because I was denying the possibility of there being a Chanyeol and I, and I was being punished for it.

I remained quiet before stepping aside, letting him into my apartment. 

He makes his way into the kitchen from being familiar with the layout the last time he’s been here. Sitting back in the living room to resume my show, I peek over occasionally to watch. He had ingredients to make pasta, and his face is scrunched in diligence. We didn’t exchange words, we didn’t argue but continued to enjoyed the company of each other after that. 

The silence ultimately shatters when Nam Joohyuk is standing naked in a scene of ‘the Bride of Habaek’ because Chanyeol bursts into laughter. From that moment on, my apartment felt livelier with him in it. 

These nights eventually became recurrent. His clothes residing in a designated drawer in my dresser and space is made in my closet that has his name invisibly written over it.

Slowly, I’ve noticed that I’m not as tired as I was before. I felt refreshed, and skeptical that it’s because of Chanyeol’s evident presence that’s more frequent. After a while, I’m starting to believe that the debilitation between the two of us was due to the lack of each other’s company.

We schedule a dinner date at my place at 7, but he calls then tells me that he’s going to be leaving the studio late, and the instant a dubious sensation agitates my stomach, he’s at my house at 11 with soft pink tulips in his hand that reminds me back to when his hair was bubblegum.

“I’m late,” He states the obvious, but he’s bouncing on the tips of his toes anxiously as he observes the look on my face. “But I made Baekhyun run out to grab these for you while I was stuck. Forgive me?”

I think that moment was when I began to forgive Chanyeol for letting me go in the beginning.

Months later, I’m coming back from another rough day at work, tapping my fingertips on the keypad into my apartment before the door flings open just a moment before I’ve finished typing. “Oh?”

There he is, standing before me with a smile that’s brighter than the sun and warms me like not just any Sunday morning, but every morning. The chuckle that escapes from his lips at my startled expression isn’t like the melody to my favorite song, but becomes my favorite song. His voice when he says my name is as smooth and sweet as honey, deep enough to bring goosebumps to my skin.

“Happy birthday,” Chanyeol sings, pulling me into his embrace, my face is deep into his chest from the height difference. I’ve never felt more home than in his arms.

Between now and when I finally agreed to be with him, Chanyeol had completely turned around. We live together now, but other of that, we were taking the relationship slow. He was proving himself worthy, taking place of what used to be Junmyeon’s shoes and attempting his best to fill them, bringing us out on weekly dates, attentively listening to my opinion on shows, cooking with me at night, and even sharing his prized works with me. He says that his music used to reflect on the “me-shaped” hole in his heart, but he felt whole now, and I was the muse to the happiness in his pieces. A bit cringey, I admit—but it was his way of showing his love, and I liked that. He wasn’t usually like this. 

“Everyone is already inside, hurry in.” His hands wrap around my wrist, where my marking appeared to glow these days, tugging me into the living room where his friends are seated and gathered around the coffee table with a lit birthday cake in the middle. His friends had become my own, and grew to be a family of choice that shared and celebrated milestones together.

I see Junmyeon squished between Baekhyun and Kyungsoo, bickering at each other before he shoves them out the way, getting up and lifting the cake up to me with the saccharine grin on his face. “Happy birthday, love. Make a wish.”

I didn’t have any wishes for myself this time around. What I learned from Junmyeon was to be a little more selfless—and I wished for him to meet someone who loved him as much as I did when I was with him. I wanted him to be as happy as I am now, sacrificing his own happiness so that both of his best friends could be happy too.

fin.