#kellydays

[pm] [User did send Eve a birthday text, in case y'all were wondering.] Sorry that I missed the festivities. Tied up with work and Flip. Next time, alright? I did get you a little somethin', but it's been delayed by our fantastic national postal system. And no, I ain't tellin' you what it is. [d: Not lovin' the aquatic metaphors. Just sayin'.] True. Ma always told my brothers that. Think she knew I'd just be guessin' at shit, though, 'cause I didn't get the same lecture. So, have you been? [...] Testin' the waters, I mean? [User is being nosy.] Ain't made my way over there, quite yet, but I'll keep that in mind. [...] That mean I'll have to go through vettin', too, before they let me [d: cruise] shoot my shot? Probably for the best. Though, it ain't like I'll be able to [...] cook another ranger dinner, at my place. [Sorry, Eve. Don't think too hard about this. It's weird for User, too.] What with the kid. Y'all are cool with it. Can't be sure a stranger would be. At the very least, it'd harsh the vibe. Even if he weren't... y'know. [User doesn't want to type Flip's species into this, as it could be hacked. User doesn't see the irony that he's talking about ranger and warden topics here.]

​[pm] Hey, sorry for missing this message. No worries, i totally get it! Very excited for the postal system to stop fucking arround, I'll just have to be patient.

I test the waters, but most [user can no longer count Rosemary or Emilio] all of my closest friends are hunters. I have a few human friends too, at the library and in the running clubs I volunteer at, but the secret's always gonna be an issue.

Do I wanna know? Somethin’ tells me I don’t. […] Well, whatever it is, you have my support.

​I dunno Kelly, I think you wanna know. At least a little bit. Like this 🤏. I mean, why wouldn't you? I get it. The nosy bug is one I'm totally familiar with. Then again, all of this would sorta imply I'm up to something? And that's defo not the case. NUH UH. That was a totally innocent post to hype my friend. :) I appreciate you for supporting friendship and nice smelling people! We could all use more Kellys in our lives. Can you believe people think I got hacked?

I've a very important question, actually: is the inspection typically done shirtless? Can I put in a request for it to be done shirtless? We've a very important 'no shirt' mandate in the museum for June. It's a cultural thing tied to the exhibits.

No shirts in June? [...] Oh, like, for Pride Month? [User seriously considers this.] Well, I don't mean to criticize the efforts at inclusivity, but I don't think I can accommodate that policy. Sorry 'bout that. We could reschedule for July, maybe? [d: Also, I don't see what that has to do with natural history.] [d: I don't want to disrespect a culture, though...] [d: Wait. Can I disrespect my own culture?] [User will ask more if he needs to.]

​Well, that's a bit offensive, innit? It's part of my culture, I'll have you know. It's actually a bit offensive for inspections to be done with shirts on. You wouldn't want to be offensive, would you Mr. Firefighter?

[User knows it's Regan, too, but, the last time they spoke, he told her that he'd research construction and he... didn't do that, so... Professional Firefighter Brooks, to the rescue.] Glad to hear it. Definitely should review that, while I'm there. See if there's room for improvement. To answer your questions... 1. Just me. Department assigns it on a rotation. One firefighter is plenty for runnin' tests. 2. Only if there's a pull station in there. I ain't doin' a live test of the sprinkler system for obvious reasons. 3. [...] Good to know. I'll make a note. Surprised y'all don't have a skeleton on display, though! 4. So, if it ain't a question, is it... a request? I can make a note of it, get our glass guy out there. So long as the glass has been cleared away, though, it ain't a real hazard. Up to y'all. 5. I'll be in one of the secondary vehicles, not the engine or the ladder. It's got a siren, but it's much quieter than the trucks. [d: Easier on my ears.] Closer to the WRPD patrol cars, if you know what those sound like.

​[user is going to show up at kelly's house to remind him she is waiting on answers to her demolition questions]

Good. I mean, if that is sufficient to assess safety. What are your qualifications?

You have official Office of Medical Examiner permission to test the sprinklers in one specific location. The designated location of this test is the office of Dr. Mortimer Rickers.

That would be horrifically offensive.

A request-- it is not worth your time and resources. Forget the glass.

Well, it was in the copy, so I told [...] a lot of folks that? [User knows what Viv's getting at. For sure. Definitely.] You already got the kid's approval, so I'd say you're high up. High chair level, at least. Speakin' of... Chief Captain Lieutenant Flip Brooks [...] has a lot of titles, huh? Think Zack said they stopped by the other day, so I'm sure the kid's done a thorough inspection of his own. I'm just doin' a spot check, places he can't really reach. Sorry to disappoint. P.S. Could make it in [d: before the full moon] this weekend. Don't know how convincin' you think I am, but I'd have to really, y'know, believe in the product. Think Flip and I can sneak a sample? Order from the secret, Viv-approved menu? - Non-Chief Non-Captain Non-Lieutenant Kelly Brooks

​[user snorts.] High chair level. The pinnacle of approval.

He's earned them. Don't disrespect my favorite firefighter now. Zack did swing in with him, yeah. Made me do a double take when I saw my backpack bitch with the kid. [user is fully aware this is public. Hi Zack! You've been promoted to Viv's elite employee!] I guess being massive has it's advantages. I'll make sure Gus has everything Just Firefighter Kelly Brooks approved for whenever you drop in on Official Business.

P.S. I don't know, you lay on the southern charm and you compliment his cooking enough, you might not have Gus's panties dropping, but you might be able to sneak an off menu item out of him. But you have to ask the waitress very nicely.

Yes, that is me. [user is aware that kelly is a neighbor but assumes this is strictly a professional interaction]

We are always prepared for any [...] ordinary crisis. You will be impressed by our recovery plan for the decedents. [user does not know the recovery plan for live people]

My questions are as follows:

Will you be doing the inspection personally, or will there be others?

Will you need to enter my office?

This is not a question, but you should be well-informed that none of the bones in my office are from humans.

This is also not a question, but be aware that the glass on all fire alarms has been broken. The alarms have not been pulled. The glass was just fragile. The same is true of the fire extinguishers.

P.S. Tell Gus to lay off the bacon-based specials for the month. I can't tell y'all when I'm comin' out, but I can tell y'all that turnin' off the fire alarm 'cause Gus can't stop burnin' shit is somethin' I'd have to write up. Tell him to change his damn grease on the fryer, too. [...] Not a violation, but it hurts my nose. :( - K

Treasured. Wow. I’m really moving up in the world. Bet you tell all your members of the business community that, huh?

You Firefighter Kelly Brooks are coming to see me, underpaid and under giving-a-fuck treasured business member of your community, and not my favorite firefighter Chief Captain Lieutenant Flip Brooks? I’m insulted. I’m offended.