#kbyebye

I watched him get off the couch and walk toward the DJ booth where Marius was excitedly motioning toward various spots around the room, imagining where food and dancing would be. I smiled, despite my nerves, and crossed my legs to keep them from shaking. I rubbed my palms together, breathing through my nose. People were scattered all around the flat. I could hear glasses being taken down from the shelves in the kitchen. Were people already drinking? The party hadn’t even started.

I wasn’t worried at all about being forgotten – that was a lie. I was really nervous he’d see the new scars. I looked down at my wrists. I would have worn a sweater, but it was the hottest week we’ve had since summer started. I moved from the living room to the balcony, and noticed the sun was near setting. I stared down at the ground, thinking. It wasn’t long before Marius got house music to pump through the apartment. The glass sliding door vibrated with the bass and made my chair shake. I stood up and ventured inside just in time to hear a knock ring through the air. The DJ stopped the track and Andy was the first to door. The atmosphere around the room shifted, and everyone turned their attention to Andy. Before the door was even fully open, everyone rushed forward mobbing the group coming in. I saw Josh make his way through the crowd and head for the kitchen. I stood frozen in doorway waiting until the space cleared.

Gasping at the sight of him. His hair had just started to get shaggy again. I focused in on his brown eyes, buzzing with excitement. He greeted everyone individually and had shut the door behind him before recognizing me by the window. He quietly pushed through the throng of people and ran into my open arms.

“Liam!” I gasped, when he finally reached me.

I squeezed my eyes shut, silent tears falling into his brown hair as he lifted me off the ground and spun me around. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him to me. The music was back on and everyone began to dance. We didn’t let go of each other for a while but when he finally set me down his smile fell.

“Why are you crying?” his concern glistening in his eyes.

It was an all too familiar look on Liam – the look of concern. He was the only person that knew about the self harm. I didn’t want anyone to find out, but he was too smart not to notice. I remember it was the summer before he left for his World Tour. I’d gotten out of a rough, and by that I meanabusive, relationship with my boyfriend at the time. I never would have escaped if it hadn’t been for Liam. He gave me the courage to finally leave but I still felt broken after the break up. I had started cutting during the relationship. I was so used to the pain it wasn’t anything new. Before then, I could just lie about the scars and bruises saying it was my boyfriend. But the scars continued to grow, and it wasn’t long before Liam figured it out. He begged for me to stop, tried to get me help. It wasn’t until we were both sobbing on his kitchen floor that I finally got myself together and quit. It a blissful few months. We were the best of friends in that time and spent every waking moment together. The paparazzi had a field day whenever Liam and I went out, but it didn’t bother us. When he told me he had to leave for tour, my entire world just halted. He knew this meant goodbye for a while, and tried to get me to promise to stay healthy. I swore, but it didn’t last long. The following week I relapsed, and the past nine months were just a blur of pain and scars. I couldn’t let him know that, though. He’d be so disappointed. He worked so hard to get me better, I wasn’t going to ruin his efforts by telling him I still cut.

“I-I’ve just missed you, Liam.” I stuttered.

He pulled me into another hug. “I’m here, now,” he whispered into my ear. “You look beautiful, let me see you”

He took a step back and trailed his hands down my sides to hold my arms up. I blushed and avoided his gaze as he looked me up and down. He often did this kind of thing to me. I’d catch him staring at me sometimes when we would be driving. He always brushed arms with me during walks, too. It wasn’t unusual for him to hold, or touch me. I was used to the feel of his hands on my skin.

“You look good, too.” I finally replied.

He smiled and twirled me around. I grinned and gave him another hug, making my way toward the kitchen to get us some drinks. He followed behind obediently, his hand in mine as we slithered through the crowd. The kitchen was the only place in the house that had decent lighting. Maz had it all set up so that the party had a dim club vibe, apparently the kitchen wasn’t included in his vision. I opened the fridge and Liam came up behind me to peer in. He opted for a water bottle. I grabbed one, too, and started to leave but Liam wasn’t following me out. I raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“I don’t really want to go out there – too loud.” he explained.

I muttered a quick ‘oh’ before complying and hopping up on the counter top. He moved in front of me, sliding his hips in between my knees. I blinked, realizing how close he was to me. I could see my reflection in his eyes, and felt my heartbeat jump. He flashed me a smile and opened his mouth to speak when we heard someone stumble into the room. Liam pulled away and I saw Andy with some blue-eyed brunette.

“Oh, uh… sorry, mate. Didn’t mean to interrupt,” Andy called, pulling the girl out of the room with him.

“I’m pretty sure Andy just wanted an excuse to throw a party.” I said with a laugh,“I meant what I said earlier, by the way. You do look great.”

He smiled and looked down into my lap, playing with my hand. I rested my forehead on the top of his head, inhaling the scent of his shampoo. I leaned back, ready to go out and dance, and he backed up a step to let me off the counter. He stopped me halfway to the door and flipped my arm so the inside of my wrist was completely visible. I tried to snatch my arm away, but he had already seen the pale lines that were scattered along my skin.

“Are they new?” he inquired, staring me straight in the eyes.

“They.. no. I mean, yeah, but,” I fumbled over my words, I didn’t mean for him to see. “It’s fine.”

“You told me that you would stop,” he responded. “You lied to me”

I had started to wish I had chosen to drink that night. “I tried, Liam! I swear I did. It was just so hard, and you were gone on tour… I didn’t want you to kno-”

“Why wouldn’t you want me to know? You can tell me anything, don’t you trust me?” he spat.

“Of course, I trust you. I just wanted you to be happy when you got back. I didn’t want you to have to deal with me all over again. I wanted to be healthy by the time you were home but my insecurities were eating me up inside.”

I babbled on about feeling alone, and confused. By the time I finished I looked up to see he had tears in his eyes, too. My heart ached.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset. See,” I motioned towards him, “that’s what I mean. I didn’t wa-”

He pulled me into his chest so abruptly, I had to stop mid-sentence. I wrapped my arms around his rib cage, holding him against me. I whispered thousands of apologies into his shirt, swearing over and over again that I would stop cutting for him. He pressed his lips to the top of my head and we stood there – me crying into his shirt, and him staying silent. I had finally gone quiet after a several minutes. He placed a gentle finger under my chin, making me look up at him.

“It’s going to be okay because I’ve got you, now.” He smiled at me with teary eyes, “You’re a beautiful girl, don’t forget that.” he hesitated before adding, “…scars and all.”

I opened my mouth to disagree but he stopped me with a quick kiss. I didn’t realize my mouth moving with his until I had to pull away for a breath. He wiped a tear from my cheek and kissed me again. I was much more aware of his body now, pressing against mine. His lips find a way to my neck. I didn’t stop him, as he grabbed my hand and kissed the length of my forearm.

“Promise you’ll try again, for me?” he finally asked.