//CW: mentions of CSA and abuse
To think of it, my history with relationships was... a whack, through the whole time. I was instantly off to a terrible start at the age of 8, when mom divorced the first stepdad and brought the second one. He was, well, let's just say that I've been experiencing every single trigger warning for many, many years and there is a good reason I see red and throw arms every time someone misuses 'pedophilia' or 'groomer' as terms just to win their dumb online discourses about fanfics.
Despite being effectively trapped and mostly isolated from my peers, I've managed to attempt some relationships on the side, in chronology:
- a girl (friend) that was overall not really interested in me but kept coming back to me because I was sure interested in her and we both feared loneliness, though I guess we both tried absolute hardest to make it work out. I appreciate being given chances but... sigh
- a girl that was 15 and I was 13 who strongly pushed for dating although I was reluctant, however she was very toxic and demanding and called me heartless and uncaring psychopath whenever I was too stressed out to spend multiple hours with only her daily
- a gal (friend) that we tried to date with and it didn't work out, she had a bad habit of keeping all her grudges with me inside instead of communicating until the boiling point made her explode and rage quit on me... just overall ruined trust, final act of having secretly hating me was final
- a woman older than me that in retrospective groomed me turning every single conversation towards something romantic or sexual despite my discomfort (and acted super offended and like a victim when I addressed I didn't like it) but completely ditched me even as just a friend when she found herself a real girlfriend
- a guy (surprise fuckers!!!) that like... hahaha, nothing was wrong! we both crushed on each other HARD and fast, I made him "pick up a pencil" and he bought me a drawing tablet I am still using to this day. we were happy. but I kept being tortured by feeling as if some evil spirit would not leave me alone unless I broke up with him and I had horrible physical pains... they only stopped when I broke up with him. you can probably tell it was the first signal of DID creeping in.
At this point, a car crash that left me forever crippled triggered chain of events that allowed us to get away from stepdad and get him where he belonged. After this, things got worse.
- a person that... well, I can't even qualify it as relationship. but they were overly eager to discuss sexual topics and super affectionate towards me as a friend, and I was too lonely and traumatized and forever resorted to interacting vicariously though fiction. I pined for them for months but they never turned me down or even were honest with me about having hating me that whole time. I hate them for a lot of reasons that only became obvious to me years later and I rather regret having met them at all than whatever I did to hurt them, especially with how they started witch hunt on everyone that as much as treated me as a human being and wanted me to recover with a therapist. hell, I dropped therapy because thanks to them I had no one to return to or to ever see me as a human being, so... what was the point? you can't love yourself enough into not wanting human connection anymore.
- a man (friend) that... again, nothing was wrong with at all, we were very sexual and shared interests but I ended up just distancing... I don't know why, I just did... it was the second time relationship was perfect but I simply cancelled out...
- two women (one wasn't aware of being a trans woman back at the time), we were in poly relationship and hooooo boy what a story this is. I was the happiest person ever, I liked them both a lot when we met but felt sad they were an item with each other, and then they invited me into relationship as turned out they were poly. however, in a few months, turned out one of them refused to communicate her grudges with me directly and instead ranted about her problems with me behind my back with her friends (why does it always happen...) and another... well, many things. coercing me into sexual stuff despite my visible and communicated discomfort was one thing, but later it started to become more and more apparent I was just disposable replacement of her EX and whatnot. she hated absolutely everything about me and couldn't care less about my mental health and boundaries but insisted on relationship because I was the only "human female" at the time that liked her. there were some scares of her just replacing me with someone else as soon as she'd get someone less "dumb, manipulative and annoying" to like her. I attempted to break up every other week and at some point I did leave.
- a man (friend) that I started dating not too long after previous break up and... well, I don't know if we were incompatible or something. I was aggressive and constantly unfulfilled and resentful of how "nothing ever happened", good or bad. I guess I was TOO used for intense emotional swings to be okay with something calm and quiet.
- a man that I've found through posting about fav character that I've found intriguing despite him spewing every other bigoted statement (as turned out later he was gay and trans but stuck in near-cult community that would've hated him for being queer). I wanted to be friends, but... oh boy. let's say that I knew how Noelle in WR was first hand. soon I became lucid about the fact that he WAS a conduct to something supernatural and "external". I could feel it in my BONES that he had the key to freedom and knew something above the illusions of this physical world, and... I guess I was right...? after we established the contact, not only I started have prophetic dreams coming true every night but also I've got some telepathic connection. I saw the red light in my mirror, and some sort of his "shadow" kept coming from the mirror that I could hear, or feel, and sometimes it would control my arm. I loved him because I knew I was supposed to, because it became the only thing that was "real"... however, once more, he loathed me to the very core. he hated my personality, my intellectual impairments, my gender, my compassion for the oppressed, my art, my way to analyze the media, my wishes to do anything romantic or sexual together (he claimed I was degenerate luring him towards sin), even my gender but he refused to let me break up and move because... well, again, he was unsure if he could find anyone else any time soon. but he lost absolutely all attachment to me when he met his "real" friends.
And this happened four years before Ch5... Thankfully, what he gave to me stayed and has been increasing, although slowly... I still see the dreams so prophetic that they are step by step instructions. I still experience my tech being haunted. I still hear "the call" that makes me abandon my tasks and go to a particular location by pure intuition, and I always find a certain object (like food, when I am starving due to no money) or an event there (like a stranger I help).
I guess that was the end? Now the closest thing I have to loving someone is a parasocial crush on someone... that I should not have fallen for. Under any circumstances. They are a bad person. Although, all "good" people ever did to me was trying to push me towards suicide, so who is surprised it ended up like this?
I think if I ever must "go", my goodbye notes to everyone would be quite an amusing read, after all... We have many interesting stories. Just need to make sure all of us gets to say something so it doesn't look like only one reason. I wonder why all three relationships I had that were actually good, even perfect until I broke up for no reason were with cis men. Why I had to ruin it? Does the damage set up by the stepdad simply run THIS deep?
