I find disability perplexing, sometimes. Because.. what counts as a physical disability? Which things are only mental disabilities? Which things don't count at all?
Physically disabled people often tell us mentally disabled folk to be careful not to talk over them because the things are not the same. But uh. At what point do I qualify? At what point can I contribute to the conversation? At what point are my symptoms inconvenient enough to be valid?
Because like. I need glasses to see. And sure I have access to the corresponding disability aid for the problem (glasses), but I can't see to full capacity. My eyes physically do not function as intended. Most of the time it doesn't inconvenience me, but even with the glasses I experience difficulties. For example if I want to see something beyond a certain distance (about half a room away) I have to consciously focus my eyes in on it so I can see details. Frequently this causes mental fatigue and headaches. I also get nauseous when I try to read (or just focus intently on specific parts of a stable object) in a moving vehicle. Sometimes taking off my glasses helps with that, but most of the time I have to just stop reading or I might actually throw up. This is a major inconvenience. Is that considered a physical disability?
I have exercise-induced asthma. When doing aerobic activity my respiratory system --from my mouth to my lungs-- starts to ache more and more until I have to stop to catch my breath. This affect can be reduced by using an inhaler first, but I frequently forget about it because I spent most of my early life not knowing what the problem was. This experience hurts, it is painful, it is debilitating. It didn't used to be so obvious to me because my muscles got tired at a similar-enough pace that I simply assumed I get tired fast, but now? The flesh is strong but the lungs, the lungs are so so weak. I want to run and hike and dance and I know that I could --that the strength I have would support me-- if only I could just breathe! I always feel like I'm just doing it wrong and that if I just learned the trick, just learned how to breathe right, then I could do anything! And maybe there is a trick to breathing while moving! But my lungs still don't work the way they should! My body can't function! I have to stop to take a rest repeatedly during any aerobic activity, including running for longer than very short distances or just walking long distance; any amount of exertion eventually requires me to stop completely and wait for my body to stop aching before I can continue. Is that a physical disability?
And hey, here's something interesting that not a lot of people know about! Autism often comes with some degree of hyper-extension of the joints! Which sounds like a good thing: until you realize that this means your knee joints lock further back and it messes up your posture. Until you realize that you have to routinely crack your joints to remove the stiffness and maintain dexterity. Until you realize that your legs and arms are constantly trying to escape your hip and shoulder joints; and you have to realign them and keep them in place. Until you realize that you are predisposed to straining leg muscles. Until you realize that your joints started aching in elementary school. Until you have to teach yourself not to lock your knees so you have actual reliable stability. Until you realize that you stand weirdly. Until you realize that none of your joints stay where they're supposed to. My body requires regular maintenance (cracking my joints back into place every hour or so) to have full mobility. Is that a physical disability? It's only an extremely common side-effect of a mental disability, so does it count?
I also have auditory processing issues from the autism. Too many layers of different sounds can get overwhelming such that I can barely hear what's in front of me. And sure, that's because of my brain not filtering out the extra noises, but it's still a hearing problem. I still can't always hear things. The meat computer in my skull refuses to do its job and as a result my ability to hear what I need to be hearing is inconsistent. Is that a mental disability because it's in my brain, or a physical disability because it's not the mind part of my brain failing here?
And I have some sort of heat regulation issue! I always ran hot and sometimes that's convenient (when it's chilly out) but whenever it gets hot it's extremely debilitating! When I overheat I can't move as well and I get fatigued and my brain starts to melt (by which I mean that I get so warm that my brain ceases to be able to process things at anything like usual speed). Overheating is a major problem for me and there's very little I can do about it! Ice only goes so far. And I can't very well live in a tub of water for the whole summer (trust me I've thought about it, extensively) because it's just not practical! Heat is overwhelming and renders me non-functional and it kinda hurts too. Having an overly-warm body is debilitating in an environment that experiences summertime. Anything over 75°F and I start to become uncomfortable, anything much more than that and my brain gives up on the concept of thoughts and I start seriously considering the underwater lifestyle. For most of summer and a good deal of late spring/early fall I have two modes; overheated or underwater. That's debilitating. That's dis-able-ing. Does that count as a physical disability?
What counts as a physical disability? At what point are my struggles valid? When am I inconvenienced enough to be part of the conversation? Are my aches and pains and hurts profound and frequent enough to qualify for the label "physically disabled"?
Should I just shut up because my problems aren't big enough? Should I just bear it without comment because my body mostly works? Are my problems too pedestrian and basic to be valid considerable struggles? I lived my whole life blaming myself for my achey lungs and my weird joints. I spent my whole life overwhelmed and frustrated because I couldn't quite see, couldn't quite hear, and couldn't function at all when overheated. Is that a part of the conversation? My body hurts sometimes, and it doesn't always work the way I want it to, and actually now that I think about it I think my body always has some kind of low-grade muscle ache going on that I just sorta stopped noticing.
I don't dare call myself physically disabled --because that's not up to me to claim-- but if you asked me if I considered my body to be functional I would say an emphatic no. Like sure, I can get through the day, it carries me where I need to go; but I set up my life on purpose to avoid physical (or mental) strain wherever possible. I rarely go places, I rarely go do activities, I rarely go see people, I rarely exercise, I rarely do any of the things that my body struggles to do because I can't trust that my body will continue to support me if I make it attempt anything that might pose any challenge at all. There are very very few exceptions to this. Only a few events per year do I actually push my body in any meaningful way and it always takes days for me to feel like I've recovered from the aches and mental strain.
Is that what a physical disability is? I don't know. I don't know if it's enough that I hurt or if I have to actually be broken for it to count. I don't know.
So yeah, conversations around disability confuse me sometimes. Because mental disabilities are rarely just mental.
And autism in particular comes with ow-my-senses-don't-work and ow-my-joints-don't-go-there. Which seem like very physical problems to me.
A lot of mental disabilities seem like they have more to do with the brain as a malfunctioning meat computer (the brain as an organ) than the mind as a consciousness (the brain as a person). But I don't know if we actually consider that difference at all. This confounds me greatly.
How do we even define how debilitating something must be to be considered a physical disability?
