#kaidannotalenko

Another sketch dump, how dare I 😂 most of these were practices: the ones with silence, Siyasu, and then the gal with the short curly hair -her name is mirielle. There is a draw the squad I drew as thanks for my bestie donating some money to my kofi for helping pay my mom back for my new pup.

The one with Elentiya:

Bathing was always a horror for me. Exposing my scars not only to the outside but to the cool waters made my entire body ache. It’s pulsating waves of intensity did nothing to help matters either. So I always did my best to get it done and over with fast, clean my body of any dirt on it and get out. Though it was easier said than done at times.

This was one of those times. My body was hunched over, fingers clawing into the burns on my left side. Tears surfaced but I dare not let them fall. Waves of intense, blistering magicka roared through my skin, sending tremors down my spine. Please, make it stop, begging is where I’m left at. I’m too tired to lash out in anger and frustration, the feelings only make the red-hot fire within me unbearable. Somebody, my mind calls out silently, my voice unable to summon itself. Please help me. My mind sent another wave and a small whimper escaped. Kaidan, please.

“Oi, Ren!” Kaidan’s voice sent my heart and mind soaring, but my stomach twisted up and I felt myself gag at the thought of him seeing me. Don’t look at me! “Are you ok-” his voice stopped and I looked at him pathetically. I wondered what he must have saw; a weak, pitiful little half burnt halfling with tears in his eyes, clawing into his skin. How despicable I must look to him, how ugly. “Gods, Ren, get out of there!” He rushed to my side and my mind was blank.

Hands grabbed at me, pulling both my arms off. A scream rips out of me, tearing through my throat and leaving both of us speechless. Images of gold skin fingernails scratching into my flesh, the smell of blood shifting in the air. Yelling, scolding, hitting. Tentacles of memories flood in my eyes, tears streaming, voice crying out in an old language that once communicated with my mother. There’s more tugging, I shout, I hit, I reject. “Lasa atishaar!” Give me peace! The words repeat themselves, body thrashing back whatever creature had its hands on me. I didn’t want to go back to the sea! I don’t want to go back to him!

My shoulders scream, head snaps back then forwards. Everything snaps into place and I’m looking into red eyes, the color of fresh snowberries. Thick brows furrow, knots forming in the middle of his forehead. “Kaidan?” Senses slowly come back to me, how my body trembles in his touch, his cloak around me to protect from the biting cold. The dark prints of my past still cloaked in the corners of my thoughts, waiting to emerge. “Ir abelas,” my apology sounds weak, the will to disappear strong. I’m such an idiot, freaking out over something so stupid.

Fingers dance across my forehead, pulling away the hair that stuck to my face away. “It’s okay,” Kaidan’s voice is soft, caring, and it breaks my heart from joy. Everything feels familiar, the words, the touch but all of it is foreign, new. Something I never felt before; I think? “Let’s get you dressed, aye? Don’t want ya to catch a cold.”

“Yes,” was all I could say.

I sat in the tent, alone and silent. Eyes casted down on the silver amulet of Mythal, images of my mother shoving the necklace in my hands, her promise echoing in my ears. “Come back to me-” her sentence was yet to be finished, always cut off by foreign words that I know now but even scouring my memory, I knew not what they meant.

My hands shook, fingers trembling and missing the hook to secure the amulet around my neck. Looks like I’ll have to ask him, although I was terrified to look at Kaidan again I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I just wished I hadn’t allowed myself to be so foolish.

“Kaidan,” his name leaves my lips as I exit the tent. He turns to look at me, the fire light making his skin glow, eyes fierce yet soft. “Can you help me?” The amulet shines in the glow of the flames, yet Kaidan is silent as he nods. I take a seat on next to him on the long, handing him the piece of jewelry and moving my hair. Calloused brush up against my skin, shivers crawl down my spin, my palms begin to ache. It’s a quick moment, there one second, gone the next. “Thank you.” Slowly, I turn to face the fire, hugging my arms close to my chest, fiddling with edges of the pendant.

From the corner of my eyes, Kaidan watches; it makes me nervous. Before I could pull away though he speaks. “What is that?” An innocent question. This would be the first time he had ever seen my amulet, the sacred treasure usually hidden underneath my yellow hooded cowl.

“It’s an amulet,” well no duh, me, why not try and be a little more specific? Chewing on my lips, I can’t help but fiddle with the chain, keeping my eyes away from Kaidan. “It resembles Mythal, my patron god. My mother told me that she’s the protector and the All-Mother and the goddess of love.” Those words make me smile, my mother’s voice playing along with mine in my head. It’s not clear, memories faded, but it’s familiar and soothing. “Kind of like Mara, but she’s far more precious to me. This amulet is a promise,”

There’s a flash of a smile and I look at Kaidan, I see nothing but his usual face. “A promise of what?” I look away and say nothing. An uneasy silence fills us. He can’t know, nobody can. I would die before he or anyone found out what I was long before I became Rennare or even came into existence in the eyes of the people. There was nothing truly for me there, just a promise that I planned on keeping - alone. “So,” he speaks up, the silence is broken. “That amulet would be the equivalent of an amulet of Mara?”

I look at him again, confused. “I guess so,” it was something I hadn’t thought about, not truly. Though many other bosmeri living in the old ways knew the meaning of it, while it wasn’t fast like the nord’s way, it could be used in a similar fashion. “I don’t know much about my people, but my mother said that she wore it to court someone a long time ago.” My mind drawls off, thoughts of just how much I didn’t know about my heritage haunting me.

“I had no idea you were looking for marriage.”

My heart chokes. “Marriage? W-what do you mean?” There was no doubt that I knew what he meant, yet it seemed like my senses weren’t catching up.

He raises a brow at me. “If it’s like what you say, then that means you’re in a market for a husband or wife, right?” What he said wasn’t wrong, even if most people didn’t understand the amulet, there would be some that would get that hint. The thought hadn’t crossed my mind too much, the idea of marriage, but love, now that I always dreamt of.

I can’t help but smile, eyes dreaming in the flames. Marriage was a faraway dream and possibly love, but one could dream. “Maybe, one day I hope to find someone to love.” My words are soft, a hopeful whim of a child praying to an empty sky.

“You have such a gentle heart,” my heart falters, cheeks growing hot. “I wonder if there’d be anyone in Skyrim half deserving of your affection.”

Tears escape from the corners of my eyes and I fight back a sob. Kaidan says something else, saying my name, but I can feel myself shutting down. Instead, I throw myself into his arms, hugging him as tight as I can. He’s warm, safe. Someone I’m glad to have known. Thank you, Kaidan. The words don’t leave me, but I think them. I will my body to express what his words meant to me.

What did they mean?