#just...not now

It's already been a bit over five weeks since my cat went missing.

I've gotten over the entire mourning thing. I'm still thinking of her and I'm still really down about it, but I haven't really cried over it for a week now. Maybe she's still alive (really unlikely, given her usual behavior and the time she's been gone), but my chances of finding her are really slim and...I really can't do anything about it now. It's out of my control. Even now, part of me is hoping for some story-like miracle; time will rewind and I'll go back to that day that she went missing and bring her indoors before she disappears. But that's not going to happen.

I guess my cat's disappearance really got me because I thought I'd have her at least until I left for college, and then she'd die a natural death with all of us around to see her off. But no, she's just...gone. I really took her presence for granted and now I'm really regretting that.

(Fuck, I'm crying. Fuck. So much for not crying and not mourning. That only applies if I don't think about her too much, apparently. Seriously, I'm okay more often than not.)

And somehow it ended up revealing a humongous massive internal issue (complex? I don't know) I've had about my pets. Basically, I don't think I've ever managed to raise a pet to the end of its natural lifespan because every time I get one I end up losing it. I've had my cat for five years, so I just assumed I have her to the end of her life. And she still disappeared. More than anything, I feel like I've failed her as her owner.

If anything, I've failed her as her owner for a while. My parents haven't been letting her come upstairs (cleaning reasons hahaha) and have been letting her go outside (that's how they raised their cats...) for about a year now, both of which I protested against...for literally a day each. I've been kinda getting angry at myself these past few weeks for not protesting more; I only saw my cat once or twice every day for the past year and I could have spent so much more time with her. And maybe if we'd kept her inside she'd still be here.

But that's just a hypothetical and it doesn't feel like there's any point in entertaining it for too long. Maybe we could have keep her in and let her upstairs and she would still have disappeared. Maybe we could have done the same as we did and she still would have lived out a long life with us. She's still gone, for me, here and now. It's a really bad time for me (would it ever be a good time?), since I've been having a rough time with school and I've also been feeling like I have no support, and now my cat is gone.