my anxiety is spiking but for some reason retracing my trauma tends to help me somehow? reminds me of… how terrible they were and how far I’ve come?
so. okay . this is my last romantic relationship I ever had and ever will have probably. it was actually! a polycule! woaaahhagahsgah. okay. started with. remus. splitting this up into a few sections.
Remus; he was…. Well. he was. interesting. very much a leading type but he was very… mm…. sexual? and I knew I was at least asexual at the time and he said he was too but, he, he said, he said I wasn’t, he said I definitely couldn’t be, on our FIRST DATE, and I believed him. I don’t know why I believed him. that was stupid. he was very clearly manipulating me but I couldn’t see that through my little rose colored glasses. shortly after I discovered I was a system and told him about it! he didn’t listen. he never listened. I didn’t listen to anything I said ever, I think, unless it was sexual or lovey dovey. he manipulated me to the point where I confused fear and unwillingness for excitement and nervousness and I did end up …. doing…… stuff…. With him…. I don’t count it . anymore. I-it was under falseties, it, it wasn’t, my consent didn’t, matter, that much, I wasn’t in my right mind, at all, and I just. I can’t. think. about that. being. real. lol. it. I. I should’ve listened to my conscience. I should’ve said no I should’ve said no I should’ve said no. anyway that was how I set it in stone that I was asexual. and he kept not listening when I tried to tell him things and he abused my system actually and would try to force alters to front and would get really upset when they couldn’t. and I just. yeah. we broke up and it. sucked. I had daily panic attacks for weeks. I couldn’t handle it. I hate. how I reacted .
ash. Ash was……. he was…….. I thought he was kind. we didn’t actually date for that long or really at all. we barely hung out at all and I tried my best to keep up conversations but he didn’t really…. put in any effort. I gave up, eventually. when I broke up with Remus he decided to tell me to kill myself and said I was evil. this stopped for a while. it. it started again. in October. anonymously. he used narcissist as an insult and said I was selfish and evil and an abuser and a manipulator and he said to other people that I raped people he told me to kill myself on Christmas and I would have if not for my friend and he said that I wasn’t a real age regressor and that I used it to rape people and that it was a kink and he said he said so many things he said that I raped him he said I did. so. much. and that was when I moved blogs. I think his accounts are gone, now. he ruined all of my friendships. very nearly ruined my life. very nearly made me kill myself. I almost ran into traffic. I’m happy I didn’t.
wren didn’t do anything. I think wren was. as good as either of us could be.
got into a qpr with a 16 year old on here at one point. that was traumatizing as well and I still beat myself up over it.
…..I haven’t felt safe to be little or be happy or anything since this happened.
...jesus fucking christ. im. oh my god i am so sorry. i am so so so sorry you had to go through all of that. those people fucking SUCKED. im so glad you dont interact with them anymore holy shit. that is the worst. oh my god. im so sorry. im so sorry and im so glad you pushed through it and are still pushing through it and im so glad i get to be your friend today but i wish i could've done something to help because that sucks so much.
