What was even more insane about this is that said request was automatically approved through the school's system, hypothetically granting me the power to get a used car in the name of the Maccabees. So, for a good thirty minutes before my frantic email to every financial institution in my school was answered, I was plagued with two questions.

What the hell was the club going to do if all the funding we would be allotted for the next two years had to be spent in one evening?

If tasked with this enormous amount of money, what kind of rager would I now have to undertake in order to properly disperse the money?

My mom has been asking me all kinds of questions, and we had a little mini-argument about Zionism while I was visiting last week, and she seems like she genuinely wants me to do this whatever I’m doing, but also it feels a little...like, you know that part in Gilmore Girls where Lane doesn’t want her mother to find out she’s dating a Korean guy because they’d approve of him? I’m trying to avoid falling into that trap where I avoid doing something because I know it’s what my mother wants me to do.

My dad doesn’t really like to talk about religious stuff outside the context of jokes. The one exception was when he asked me if I was being careful going to synagogues because of bomb threats and stuff. And he bought me a book of Jewish jokes. But I think the actual religious stuff makes him feel uncomfortable and guilty. My grandmother seems a bit more comfortable with asking questions.

I’ve always been scared of never being Jewish enough, but lately I’m terrified. And I’ve been looking into more avenues toward observance - keeping up with the parshah, going tech-free on Shabbos, what it would take for me to start keeping kosher (or...kosher-er, to start with), and it’s frustrating because lately, I genuinely can’t tell how much I’m doing because I find the traditions beautiful and meaningful and how much I’m doing in a vain quest for approval that I’m never going to get.

I’ve been taking a class with the Oregon Board of Rabbis, but I just found out I have to have more surgery, which means I’m going to miss at least four more sessions, and I already missed two when I was at my parents’ place getting tests done, which means I’ll have to take the class again before I can even start studying with a rabbi. And...fuck, my cancer getting in the way of me living my life the way I want to is a whole separate post, and my being glad that it’s not worse is a whole other one after that but...honestly, sometimes I wonder if even getting frustrated with HaShem is an avenue that’s closed off to me. That what’s maybe the oldest Jewish tradition, disagreeing with the divine, might not be something I get to have in my life. 

"Is this public information? Like can I talk about it?" was his first question and grinned ear to ear when the answer was yes.

"and this is single-ready-to-mingle Joy??"

"Uh," I peer at this man like he's grown another head and is now discussing the logistics of double kippah wearing. "Sure?"

He giggled, maniacally may I add. And then refused to elaborate for the rest of the evening.

Me- So… Rav David. What’s with gay people in Judaism?

Rav David (happily married to his wife with children) - I’m up for reinterpreting the Halacha to make same sex relationships the only acceptable ones

Me- Did you hear about the law Oklahoma just passed ?

Rav David- I don’t believe Oklahoma has the right to statehood. Neither does Rhode Island, but that’s a separate issue

Me- Jeez- the government wants to cancel Jewish American history month!?

He blinked at me, and slowly said - “you know… I’ve never heard this phrase before..”

He- being the typical 20 something college student- asks where the booze is. I direct him to the fridge, where I keep an entire shelf of Bud Light.