#jukebox roulette

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Your heart called out to him. 

You begged and pleaded within your own mind for him to just turn to look at you. 

You wished those cerulean eyes would turn and look at you the way he looked at her right now. 

But you weren’t Satine, you’ve never seen the smile he flashes at her directed towards you. 

You wish you could will your feelings away. You wished you didn’t love him as much as you do, but he was Obi-wan. He was your Obi. He’d always been your Obi. Ever since you both were younglings training together until Qui-gon Jinn took him as an apprentice, and then everything changed. 

You didn’t see him again for years, even though you thought about him every day. 

You thought your friendship meant more, but now years later, a war later, a lifetime of experiences later, and you were still the one he trusted more than anyone else. It was the only reason you stood with him in disguise as you both tried to help Satine.

“The Republic guards are hunting you…” Obi-wan’s voice broke through your thoughts as you looked between the two of them. You need to focus on the here and now and not on the pain your heart is feeling currently. 

“… take the disk to Padme.”

You listened as Satine decided to surrender herself so Obi-wan would be able to deliver the disk, you saw the worry on Obi-wan’s face, and you knew regardless of what happened, you would love him. You would love him until the stars were no longer above you. You would love him until the sea no longer washed up on the sand.  You would love him, even if he never loved you. So you knew the minute you saw the worry on his face, you would do all you could to alleviate it. 

“I’ll go with her Obi-wan” you spoke up, still keeping vigilant of your surroundings. 

“What?” He turned to look at you.

“I’ll go with her, say I captured her and stay with her until her name’s been cleared. It’ll ease your worry and it will make sure she’s treated correctly.”

He didn’t say anything, he simply nodded his thanks as he looked into your eyes, and for a brief second you thought … didn’t matter what you thought. It would never be what you wanted it to be. 

A short time later, Satine was in custody, you were keeping watch over here, and Obi-wan had delivered the disk to Padme. As soon as the truth came out, Satine was released. Everything seemed to work out all too easily.

As you and Obi-wan lingered in the Chancellor’s office with Satine, you started to understand why Obi-wan loved her. Her unshakable faith in her people, her determination, her ability to rile him up, and her ability to be gentle. It made sense. Even as she brought up a lot of the answered questions that lingered in the air, her mindfulness and her ability to get to the heart of the matter was rather impressive. 

You stood beside Obi-wan the entire time, even as he escorted Satine back to her ship and watched her board. His eyes never faltered. 

“So that’s Satine,” you stated now that it was just the two of you on the docking platform. After all the stories you heard from Obi-wan about her, you understood why she’d been his first love. 

“That’s Satine.”

“Impressive woman.”

“Yes, she is.” Obi-wan stated, turning to look at you, “She was a path I did not follow.”

You turned to look him in the eyes, now that her transport was just another spec amongst the million of other specs travelling around Coruscant, “Do you regret it?”

“Hmmm,” he gently stroked his beard as he thought about it, “Does one ever regret breathing?”

“No.”

“Then why should I regret a decision I believed was right at the time. Life is never as easy as it seems, sometimes the path that is set before you, is not because you wish for it, but rather because it’s what’s available and the right thing to do.”

You couldn’t help smirk as you looked at him, all that came to your mind at that moment was one question that continued to plague you, ‘How long will I love you?’ 

“You talk pretty smoothly for a Jedi.” You teased, “So what all those words basically meant, was that had you a chance you would change your mind and stay with her.”

Obi-wan shook his head as he let out a chuckle, “No, my dear.” He moved closer to you, “What I’m saying is, I wish another path had been presented to me, a long time ago.” His eyes never left yours, as he wished you could understand what he meant, what he hoped you could read in his heart as he looked at you. 

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The shooting range was rather quiet, except for one lane. 

Every trooper seemed to be surrounding the one lane you occupied, you were too focused on your target, pushing it further and further away, as you sat in your chair using your sniper rifle. 

Crosshair was shocked by the sheer silence that seemed to fill the shooting range. His curiosity getting the best of him, caused him to walk over to where you sat watching as you took another shot. He listened to the murmurs surrounding you, unable to actually see what you looked like or what the big deal was, not that he even really cared.

“No one can make that shot.” One trooper mumbled to the other trooper standing beside him.

“They haven’t missed a shot since they’ve been here.” Another trooper further away from Crosshair stated loudly.

“Think they’d say yes, if I asked them out for a drink?”

Crosshair simply rolled his eyes as he heard the last comment, shaking his head as he set up his own sniper rifle in the lane beside you. With the crowd around, a desire for competition arose in him. A smile etched on his lips, as he couldn’t help wanting to show off. He set his target at the same distance yours was, taking his time to adjust his scope. He took his time and fired at the same moment you did, both of you hitting your targets dead centre. 

The whole crowd went silent.

You jolted at hearing the second shot and seeing the screen register the hit on the distanced target. 

“Nice shot,” you called over to the lane beside you, a sense of competition rising in you at seeing a competitor worthy of your notice finally turning up.

“Likewise,” came the response from the gravelly, low, whisper-like voice. It felt menacing but weirdly comforting in a way. 

“Care to wager, stranger?”

“You think you could beat me?”

“If I don’t, I’ll buy you a drink.”

“And if you win?”

“You buy me a drink.”

“What makes you think I want to spend time with you?”

“If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have set up your target right beside me, or even for the same distance.” You smirked as you lined up your shot, “Let’s go one more time, and then every time we make the shot, we increase the target by 50 yards.”

There were murmured whispers from the troopers behind you as they watched the both of you setting up. 

You shook your head ignoring them.  “So what do you say, stranger? Interested?”

“When I win, I’m ordering the biggest and most expensive drink available, and we won’t be going to ‘79s.”

“Fine by me.” You smirked as you both took the shot. 

You both hit every target for the past two hours. Your next target was reaching 11,000 yards; at this range, you doubted if you’d be even able to hit it. As it is, you were stretching the limit of your ability. However you weren’t one to give up, you lined up your shot taking deep breaths, and steadied your breathing. 

Firing.

Ping!

Ping!

You both hit the target again. You were impressed with the stranger beside you.

“You’re really making me work for my drink, aren’t you?” You teased as you both reset the distance to 11,100 yards. After you both hit 7000 yards, you’d agreed to increase the difficulty to 100 yards each time you hit the target. Then when you reached 9000 yards, you both agreed to change the difficulty once again, increasing it to 250 yards each time. 

“Wouldn’t be fair if I was easy on you?”

“True. Alright, since this should be the last one. Let’s go crazy 14,000 yards.”

The murmurs started again behind them, everyone was in disbelief. It seemed as though more and more people on base were coming to check out the competition between you and the mysterious person beside you. 

“You think you can handle that?” Crosshair asked, he was more than impressed with you. You hit your target every time, without delay; plus you had a rather pleasant voice that seemed to stir something deep within him. 

“If I can’t, then you get a free drink. What’s the problem?”

“Hmmm, fine. Just be ready to pay up.” 

Everyone in the gun range quieted down, as they watched you both set your target to 14,000 yards. The only thing that could be heard was the slight shifting from both of them, as they lined up their targets. Once again, almost in sync they slowed down their breathing.

You took a second and slowly squeezed the trigger, watching as the blaster bolt from your rifle took its time to reach the target, only to hit left of centre. You mumbled out a curse, as you looked at Crosshair, he still hit dead centre. 

You stretched as you finally stood after so many hours of sitting and shooting. You moved around the lane, finally getting a look at your opponent. 

Crosshair stood stretching, surprised when he came face to face with you. He expected someone … else. Not someone who took his breath away the moment he met them. 

“Crosshair” he held out his hand unsure of what more to say.

You nodded, smiling, as you introduced yourself, shaking his hand. 

“That’s some good shooting, Crosshair.”

“You too.”

“I gotta ask how did you keep it steady to hit dead centre.”

“Micro-adjustments, they’re so small, almost imperceptible to the human eye.”

You smiled as you leaned against the lane divider, smiling from ear to ear as you kept your eyes on the silver fox in front of you, “Impressive, wanna tell me more over the drink I owe you?”

“Can’t see why not.”

“You free for a drink, now?”

“Definitely.”

Half an hour later, you were both in a taxi unable to keep your hands off each other as you headed to your apartment. The bar could wait. 

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The bruises, cuts, and pain that radiated on your face and body, was too much for Rex. He held your hand as you waited for a medic. The fighting had been especially brutal, and the med tent was inundated with casualties, some far worse than yours.  

Tears pricked his eyes as you lay there moaning in pain.

“You’re alright, cyar’ika. You’re going to be alright. Just hang in there. Please.”

He pressed a subtle kiss to the back of your hand, not that he really needed to be subtle, every single person part of the 501st knew you two were together. It was the worst kept secret, and frankly neither of you cared. 

He certainly didn’t, when you showed up in his life you were a light in the darkness. 

Not just figuratively, but also quite literally. You’d fallen into a bioluminescent pond and when you came upon Rex and General Skywalker, with your own elite Commando unit, he thought you were a glowing angel in the dark. 

It was thanks to your ethereal appearance, he survived that mission. The other side, thought you were a ghost, and scared them into dropping their weapons. 

You coughed, and groaned in pain, he squeezed your hand, “Cyar’ika, hang in there. Just think about what we’re going to do next shore leave. You promised me to take me… what was that again, oh right window shopping. Whatever that is. You said we’d spend the day together, relaxing and enjoying the day. So… you need to hold on so we can do that together.”

The warm liquid filling his eyes was getting to be too much, as he subtly brushed them away. 

“Remember the last time we were on Trip Zip, you convinced me to go to a poetry reading. I know I grumbled all night about it, but I’ll gladly suffer through another night of that if it means I get to sit beside you, holding your hand, feeling your body pressed against mine. So please hold on.”

There was a tear that slid down your cheek, as the pain was becoming unbearable. 

“MEDIC!” Rex called again, hoping someone was free. Where was Kix when he needed him!

“Rex…” you softly whispered.

He leaned in closer, “What is it, cyar’ika?”

“I … I …” you coughed again, “ I love … you.”

“I love you, too, but right now save your strength. Just stay awake for me, okay?”

Your head moved slowly, an almost imperceptible nod. 

“Do you remember our first night together? How hard you held on to me, never wanting to let me go? That’s how hard I need you to fight right now. I need you to keep awake, to stay here with me. Please, you’re my light in the dark. I can’t lose you.”

The usually stoic voice trembled out of his mouth. He didn’t want to lose it, he needed to stay strong for you.

With each passing minute and second, he felt his heart screaming more and more for you, begging for you to not leave him. To stay by his side, to always stay. 

“Baby …” his voice was barely above a whisper, the only person who could hear him was you, “don’t leave me. Please. I’ve learned to bear the loss of so many of my brothers, I’ve tried to be strong, to not let it get to me, but … please.” He pressed his forehead against your hand, “Please, I won’t make it if you leave me too.”

His body slowly moved closer, kneeling beside the stretcher you were on, “I’ve learned to bear their passing, the responsibility of their loss, of what it means to be Captain, and … I promise, I’ll bear everything else. I’ll do everything and anything, just please … please stay.”

Tears streamed down his cheek as he felt the grip that had been so strong moments slowly start to wane. 

“MEDIC!” He shouted again, praying this time that one of the medics were free. 

“Vod?” Kix ran over to the tent the minute he heard Rex’s voice, he’d just made it back from the front but as soon as he saw your face, the way your body slowly started to relax, he knew there was no time. 

Rex turned to look at his vod, tears trickling down his face as he clenched your hand against his chest, “Vod, I … I can’t see her glow… where’s her glow?”

“MEDIC TEAM ON ME!”

Within an instant you were lifted away from Rex and taken behind the surgical screen, Rex stayed kneeling on the ground in that very spot, afraid to move, afraid that if he did he’d lose his connection to you. 

Despite everyone trying to coax him to a seat, to rest, to get some food, he refused. He simply waited kneeling in that spot, his eyes closed the entire time you were in surgery.  It was almost six hours later when Kix and his team brought you back to him. You looked better, there was a slight glow to your skin. Despite the fact it had almost been a year since you fell into that bioluminescent pool, you still glowed in the dark. 

“Don’t worry she’ll be alright,” Kix pressed his hand against Rex’s shoulder, “took out quite a bit of shrapnel, fixed a few broken bones, and a perforated bowel, but she’ll be alright. Once we get them onboard the Resolute, she’ll be going straight into a bacta tank.”

Rex crumpled against the ground as soon as he knew you were safe, he was beyond exhausted from the stress and anxiety of almost losing you. Kix, simply smirked, shaking his head as they arranged for him to have a cot right beside you.

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Qui-gon spent all morning looking for you, and when he finally found you in the archives, your nose buried in a book, he sat in front of you, pulling the book away as he locked eyes with you.

“I didn’t do it, I swear Master. It was already broken.”

“No, that’s not … wait, what was already broken?” Qui-gon furrowed his eyebrows.

“Whatever was broken before I touched it … Master Qui-gon!” I realized who it was once I actually focused on his face. “Master, you’re back! I heard you were helping out Mandalore!”

Qui-gon simply chuckled as he shook his head, “Yes, my dear. You’re right, but…”

“How was it? Tell me everything? Are Mandalorians really as strong as they say? I heard that they have jet packs, live in their armour all the time, and they even sleep in it. Is that true? Did you get to try one?”

“Padawan!”

You clammed up, he’d only shout padawan when you were in trouble.

“Please, listen.”

“Sorry, Master”

He let out a sigh, slowly his smile etched back on his face, “You’re always a special one, my dear.”

You shrugged, “It’s called being young.”

“Don’t get too comfortable, age has a way of creeping up on you. Today, you’re 19, tomorrow you’re nearing 50.”

“Well that’s a bright and cheery thought. How can I help you, Master Qui-gon?”

“It’s Obi-wan.”

Your smile faltered as you thought about your best friend, “Is he okay? 

“No. He had his first lesson in heartbreak.”

For a reason you would rather choose to ignore, there was a pain in your heart, as it wrapped around and squeezed tight. You took in a sharp breath, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Your voice sounded flat even to you. 

“As his oldest friend, I am hoping you can be a shoulder to cry for him, as he will not talk to me.”

You rubbed your forehead nodding, “Alright, Master Qui-gon, where is he?”

“Where else, but the reflecting pool.”

“But, of course.” You smiled and stood heading towards the reflecting pool. It wasn’t the first time Obi-wan hid himself in the reflecting pool. It usually happened when something significant affected his life, or when he got in trouble after he rebelled. You smiled as you found him underneath his favourite tree, his eyes closed as he meditated.

You gently lowered yourself, fluttering your robe out behind you, as you sat beside him. 

Silence filled the space between you two as you simply stared ahead, watching the ripples in the pool. 

“You really not going to say anything?” Obi finally uttered.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Then why should I say anything?”

He let out a sigh, as he opened his eyes, “It’s not fair!”

“No, it’s not.”

“She could’ve asked me to stay.”

You nodded in agreement.

“I should’ve offered to stay.”

“That was another path you could’ve taken.”

“Why didn’t she say anything!”

You turned to look at him, locking eyes with you, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He groaned as he flopped back against the grass beneath the both of you.

“Come on, you can answer it. Why did you say anything?” You shifted lying beside him as you looked up at the overgrowth from the tree.

“Because I didn’t want to walk away from the Jedi.”

“So … why do you think she didn’t say anything?”

“Probably because she knew I wouldn’t have been able to make the decision”

You nodded in agreement, “Yup, she probably did.” You let out a sigh as you stretched, placing your hands underneath your head, this wasn’t a conversation you really wanted to have with him. You didn’t want to know about him falling in love with someone else. You didn’t want to be the one that had to sit here and help his broken heart, knowing he’d never look at you the same way. 

“Obi, falling in love is not horrendous,” you shifted your head so you could look at him, “Having emotions isn’t the worst thing to happen. Just know that you’ll be able to help your own padawan someday when they’re head over heels in love.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“I do. You have an exceptional mind, and when you’re not being a rebellious idiot, you’re quite mature. Take this time to heal from the pain, knowing I’ll be here to help.” You shifted sitting up as you turned to glance at him, “Any time you wanna talk about her, I’ll be here to listen. Okay?”

There was a soft smile on his face as he sat up too, looking at you, “Thanks, my dear,” he pressed a kiss to your cheek, “for being there for me.”

“You’re welcome. Now do you wanna mope some more or …” you smiled, with mischief glinting in your eyes. 

“Or?”

“Or do you wanna sneak out of the temple for old times sake, hit Dex’s Diner, and then hop the transport ships heading down to the lower levels? See how many jumps we can do from one transport to the next without having to stop for more than five minutes?”

“You’re on.”

You chuckled as you stood heading towards the lower level entrance that no one ever used. Even though it’s not what you would’ve hoped for, any time you got to spend with Obi-wan was a lot better than spending time by yourself in the Archives.

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Your eyes blinked as you saw the raindrops falling down on top of you. You don’t remember exactly what happened, but you see the railcars moving. They’re safe. You smile to yourself as your body screams in pain, you want to move, to get up but everything is telling you that wouldn’t be a good idea.

For some reason your eyelids feel heavy, you want to close them, to fall asleep for just a little while, but in the back of your mind you know that’s not a good idea. 

You know you need to stay away, but … something doesn’t seem right. Your mind must be playing tricks on you because you see Crosshair kneeling down beside you, smiling.

Gods, how you missed that smile. You close your eyes fighting back tears, as you feel his hand on your cheek. 

“Hey mesh’la”

“Crosshair?”

“Who else?”

“Wha … what are you doing here?”

“What do you mean? It’s date night.”

You blinked as you were no longer lying on the floor of the valley on Eriadu, you were now in your living room. You looked down at your dress, it was the one Crosshair loved on you, the yellow one with white flowers on the bottom half of your skirt. You slowly sat up, shaking your head.

“I just had the craziest dream.”

“Really?” He smiled leaning in closer, “Anything you wanna recreate?” He smirked as he wiggled his eyebrows.

You giggled, shaking your head slightly as you rolled your eyes at him, “Not that kind of dream, anyways what took you so long?”

“Sorry, Hunter was being impossible, but I’m here now” he leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours, claiming your mouth the way he always used to. Used to, no that’s not right. Does. The way he always does. 

You pulled back, shaking your head.

“You okay, mesh’la?”

“Yeah, just … Crosshair where are we?”

He looked around and smirked, “If I’m not mistaken mesh’la, your apartment on Coruscant,” he answered, his eyebrow arching amused with his own answer. You simply shook your head, fighting the amused look on your face. 

As you looked into his eyes, you reached your hand up and caressed his cheek. You missed touching his cheek like this, trying to comfort him as much as you could … missed? He was right here, why would you be missing touching his cheek. 

“Well shall we?” You tilted your head smiling.

“By all means,” he took your hand in his, guiding you out of the apartment, towards 79’s. 

The night progressed, with a lot of dancing, a lot of touching, and a lot of drinking. 

You remembered how he started to kiss you in the taxi, how it continued as you got on the lift to your apartment, you remembered how quickly you both got undressed. How you held him so tight afraid it would’ve been the last time. 

The next morning you watched as he got dressed, and sat beside you on the bed, “I had fun last night, mesh’la.”

“So did I, Cross.” You smiled as you held his hand, “How long are you going to be away this time?”

“Not sure, they brought us back to help with some mission to find a spy or something; doesn’t matter one mission is the same as the next. I’ll be back.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“You promise?”

“Nothing could keep me away from you.”

You smirked as you looked into his eyes, “Liar.”

“Nope.” He held up his right hand, “I swear, if I’m not back it’s because I’m dead. Then you’ll have to deal with my brothers on your own.”

You let out a laugh, shaking your head, “Your brothers aren’t that bad.”

He let out a huff, “Yes, they are, but you’re too kind-hearted to know the difference. Anyway that’s always been the deal, if anything happens to me, Hunter will look after you. Alright? But nothing’s going to happen, so you’re stuck with me.”

You pulled him in one last time, kissing him with all the passion and love you felt for him, “I love you, Crosshair.”

“I love you, mesh’la. I gotta go. I’ll comm you when I can.”

With that he was gone.

A pain entered your head, as memories after that moment flashed through your mind, Hunter appearing at your door, telling you they had to run. Meeting Omega. Fighting for Crosshair all that time.

Your feet felt cold, as though the rain had filled your boots. You blinked and you were back on Eriadu, still on the floor of the valley. The rain was still coming down … was that rain? You touched your cheeks slowly, painfully, no… that was rain. It was tears. 

You glanced around hoping you’d see Crosshair one more time, but it wasn’t real… he wasn’t there. You breathed out one last time, unable to recall if that was really the last time you kissed Crosshair. 

Despite how hard you tried, your eyes closed as your world went dark. 

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You sat on the edge of the basecamp just needing to breathe, to find a quiet moment that was surrounded by talking, yelling, screaming (either in pain or otherwise). It was just constant, a constant drone, and all you wanted was silence. It took some time, but you finally found it, here at the edge of the field, as you breathed in the fresh breeze, while looking up at the night sky. Everyone else was running around too busy to actually take a moment to admire the view, and you couldn’t blame them really, there was a battle that needed to be prepared for, medics needed to make sure they had the supplies needed for the eventual loss of life and injuries to be sustained. 

You had your own preparations too, as the communications specialists, it was your job to make sure everyone knew what they were doing or where they were supposed to be positioned. However, General Skywalker was kind enough to realize you were on your last tether. 

He told you to get lost for at least two hours, and if anyone had a problem with that, well they could just talk to him about it. Although he didn’t look it, he was a really nice and considerate General. Well… some of the time. 

You simply closed your eyes, smiling as you felt another burst of fresh breeze brushing against your face. 

You couldn’t help it when your smile grew bigger as you heard those familiar footsteps. The sound of his movements were so strict and firm. So Dogma. 

“You’re not suppose to be out here”

You tried to fight back your giddiness even though it never worked, “I have special permission to be out here. I’m taking a mental break before I shoot someone.”

There was shifting and you felt rather than saw him sit beside. 

Dogma looked at your beautiful face, and despite himself, despite knowing it was against regulations, despite the fact that he could get in trouble for this, he couldn’t pull his eyes away or stop his hand from brushing an errant hair back into place. 

“You still shouldn’t be out here alone.”

“I’m not alone, you’re here” you still hadn’t looked at him, because you knew the minute you did, your resolve would crumble and the only emotion in your eyes that would shine as clear as day would be your admiration for him. 

“You got me there.” He smirked as he looked at you, “I had that same dream again.” You turned this time to look at him, listening as his eyes held just as much adoration and feeling as your own did, “I was just an ordinary guy, not a soldier, not a clone. I reached over and held your hand, feeling as though this is where I was meant to be. With you, under the stars.”

You felt the heat rush to your face as he kept talking and staring at you with those warm brown eyes, those eyes that said more than his lips ever could. 

“Stupid right?”

“No,” you shook your head. “Not stupid.” Your smile widened as you thought of your own sentiments and emotions, “It sounds like a perfectly ordinary dream, an ordinary dream that could be solved just by holding my hand.” You moved your hand towards his, offering it for him to take. 

His eyes drifted down to your palm, Maker, how he wanted to reach out and take it, how he wanted to rip off his gloves and feel your warmth against his own skin. But he was a good soldier, and good soldiers followed orders. His gaze shifted and looked up to the stars, “It’s an ordinary dream for an ordinary boy. Not a soldier.” He stood brushing off the dust, “We should head back in, it’s against regulations to be here outside of the camp after dark.”

You focused your eyes away from his and nodded, slowly standing, as your tears fought back against the warm bubble rising. You turned to look at him, but those affectionate eyes were gone and now there was nothing but the soldier. 

You jolted from your bed, looking up at the ceiling rafters, as the warm sun spread over your bed. You rubbed your eyes, trying to remember where you were, calming your racing heart, when you heard him clear his throat. You didn’t bother to fight the smile that appeared on your face, as you slowly turned to look at Dogma as he leaned against the door frame.

“Morning, mesh’la. Caf’s ready.” He walked over and placed down your mug on the bed side table, something he did every morning ever since you broke him out of prison and ran away to an outer rim planet. 

“Morning, gorgeous”

“Come on, time to start the day.” He smiled as he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

You pulled him closer, “I have a better idea.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah, you stay here with me.”

“Hmmm sounds perfect,” he leaned closer, pressing his lips to yours, “like a perfect ordinary day.” 

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Hunter was always making it difficult for you. 

It wasn’t on purpose, but everything he did kept drawing your eyes. 

It was the little things he did, the smile he always greeted you with in the mornings. The fact he always saved you a seat so you could be close to the fire when you guys were on missions. The way he checked up on you, it was just making it easier for you to keep falling for him. 

You couldn’t let yourself fall. No, if you did, it would only cause heartache. 

Yet, somehow you ended up here, sneaking out of his quarters after you both had too much to drink. It had been a mistake to have a night of passion with the Sergeant of your unit. You were their medic, a civilian contract. You shouldn’t be here, you quietly got dressed and exited his quarters as fast as you could, heading to your own room. 

It was days later when Hunter finally confronted you. 

“Listen, please!” Hunter cornered you on the Marauder, the guys had left already to secure the perimeter, “I’m sorry if I overstepped. If I … I wasn’t good enough …”

Your eyes widened, is that what he had thought this entire time? You shook your head, rubbing your forehead, “No. It’s not …” you let out a loud sigh, as you tried to find the best way to explain this, “Hunter it’s not what you think. It’s not because …” your face heated as you thought about that night, you cleared your throat focusing back on the here and now, “Trust me, Hunter, you were very good. It’s just - - you and I both know this can’t go anywhere.”

“Why not?”

“Can you see any future where this could work? I mean let’s be serious. It was a fun night, but we should forget it ever happened.”

“What if I don’t want to forget it?”

“Hunter, be logical for a minute. What’s going to happen? Either you realize I’m not what you want, I get transferred to another unit, or something worse happens. Let’s just say we had a fun night and move on.”

Hunter didn’t respond, he simply put his helmet back on and stormed off the Marauder. You leaned against the wall, your heart clenching as you watched him walk away. There was no future here, you reminded yourself. You didn’t want to get your hopes up, it would’ve killed you knowing the future you had thought of would never come true. 

You followed behind him shortly, and even though you wanted to move on, to stop feeling so completely hypnotized by him, you couldn’t stop falling for him even in this moment. 

The following weeks passed by faster than you thought it had been possible, it felt like you were constantly in hyper speed, and before you knew everything turned on its head, once Order 66 was issued. 

Now months later, you were all on the run. Crosshair had joined the Empire. Omega ran away with you, and you somehow fell even harder for Hunter than you had previously thought possible. 

You sat outside of the Marauder as you looked up to the night sky, you needed to clear your head, despite the fact you ended it before it even began your heart still clung to Hunter. 

As much as that worried, you had bigger worries now, it’d been a few months you all started working for Cid. You didn’t trust her, but there weren’t a lot of options for work; so you all were making the best out of a somewhat bad situation. Your thoughts were interrupted when you felt a blanket draped around your shoulders. You looked up to see Hunter smile as he took a seat beside you.

“Didn’t want you to catch a cold.”

“Thanks.”

Even though that night was almost a year ago, things were still somewhat awkward between you two.

“What were you thinking about?”

You turned to look at Hunter, remembering how soft his lips felt, how strong his hands were… you closed your eyes and turned back to look at the fire pushing that one night out of your mind, “How I don’t trust Cid. We need to get out of this arrangement as soon as possible.”

“Nothing we can do about that right now.”

“I know. Story of our lives.” You let out a huff of irritation.

“What do you mean?” Hunter turned to look at you, ever since that one night he had with you his heart had never been the same. You had a hold on him that nothing short of death would release him. He tried to steal as many glances of you as possible, wanting nothing more than to hold you in his arms again. 

“We never seem to be able to do the things we want to.”

He nodded as he moved subtly closer to you, wanting to feel your heat even if it was from a distance that kept you away from him. “Maybe, but I’m willing to try and figure things out.”

You turned to look at him, “What?” He couldn’t mean what you were hoping, because if he was going to say the one thing you wanted to hear, all you could pray for was that he wouldn’t break you.

He smiled as he reached over and plucked off a leaf that was stuck to your head, “I’m saying, I don’t want to say goodbye. I don’t want this to unravel. I want to be the one that catches you.” He leaned his lips close to yours, “I’m saying, I love you.”

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Kix sat on a cargo crate in the hangar, his face in his hands, as he tried to come to terms with everything that happened, with the betrayal of a Jedi, the loss of one of Hardcase, the loss of so many men. 

A shuddering breath escaped from his lips, as he tried not to let anyone notice the tears that were sliding down his face. His eyes shifted from the pile of armour in front of him, slowly focusing on the bodies of his fallen brothers he’d been unable to save. 

No one realized or really knew the sort of toll it took on him knowing he failed them. No matter how hard he tried, how he used all his might to save each and every single one of his brothers, only to fail them, one by one. 

To save so few in comparison to the ones he lost was an overwhelming feeling of defeat and loss. 

Life wasn’t fair, most of the men who lay there with a nondescript sheet over there, hadn’t even been able to live. Most were shinies, never even having a chance to step foot in 79’s or learning how connected you could feel to someone who wasn’t even your brother, simply by holding that special person in their arms. They’d been bred to fight and to die, that’s all they’d known. 

Every one of those men, who were now lying on the cold durasteel floor not even ten feet from where Kix sat, learned only one thing from the moment they were brought out of the growth chambers to the moment of their death: what it was to feel pain. Pain from training, pain from fighting, pain from seeing their brothers die, pain from not eating enough, pain from not sleeping enough. Everyday was pain for them, up until the moment of their deaths. 

Kix took in a shuddering breath once again as he rubbed his eyes, fighting back the tears that were so desperate to escape. 

Jesse had been watching his vod for a few minutes, he could see the turmoil radiating off him, he slowly walked over, taking a seat beside him wrapping his arm around Kix as he pulled him into his side.

“It’s not your fault, vod.” 

Kix didn’t respond to Jesse’s statement, simply wiping his tears as Jesse continued.

“None of the lives lost was your fault.”

“It was my job to save them.”

“It was your job to try your best, and I know you, vod, you always do your best.”

Kix broke down in Jesse’s arms, unable to hold back the unending upheaval inside of him. 

Rex watched from afar, his heart breaking for his vod. Kix didn’t deserve to suffer, he didn’t deserve to have feelings of guilt for the loss of his brothers. 

It wasn’t Kix’s fault. 

It was his own fault. At least that’s what he kept telling himself.  

After all, as Captain, he was the one responsible for sending his men out, all those men’s deaths, all the pain and suffering Kix was dealing with, what all his brothers were dealing with, this was all on him. 

He headed towards his office, paying his respects to his fallen brothers. He simply wanted the confines of his office, he didn’t want to be reminded of more deaths he could be responsible for; every single one of his vode’s faces he looked held the possibility of death in the near future. 

He was near his office when he ran into Fives. It still stung seeing Fives without Echo, and now he lost Hardcase too. It was just too much, it was all too much. 

Fives could see Rex was struggling, he stood in front of him preventing him from moving on. He knew his ori’vod well enough to know he’d never actually discuss what was wrong, but the least he could do was try to get him to open up. 

“Rex, you okay?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Rex took in a deep breath, before he even had the strength to look at Fives in the eye. 

“Come on vod, it’s written all over your face. Talk to me.”

Rex propped himself against the hallway, rubbing the back of his neck as he leaned against the cold steel wall, hoping it would somehow give him the strength to talk. He leaned his head back looking at the ceiling, noticing how meticulous those cleaning droids could be, even cleaning the ceiling. He closed his eyes and for some reason he couldn’t explain, his mouth just started moving. 

“I’ve lost so many good men, Fives. And each one of those men died, because they were following my orders. Not anyone else’s. Mine.”

“Rex…” 

He simply shook his head, he didn’t want to hear it right now from Fives, it was taking all his strength to just do his best to keep the tears back as he continued talking.  

“I’ve been in so many skirmishes, but I still remember each one of my brother’s faces and number. Bellow, those lost in the battle Hisseenian and Christophsis, Hevy, Flash, Cameron, Lucky, Denal, Koho, Buzz, Gearshift, Redeye, Mixer, Hawkeye, Kosmos, Charger, Longshot, Echo …” his voice trembled, there’d been so many deaths and he was responsible for each one. How many more could he bear, and now with how devastating Umbara had been. His hands trembled as he wiped a tear. 

Fives gripped his shoulder, it wasn’t the Captain’s fault, he knew that and somewhere in the back of Rex’s mind, he’d known that too. Fives took a deep breath and offered the only consolation he could think of. 

“We’ve all lost brothers, Rex. We’re all grieving, and feeling guilty for not being the ones lying on the floor beside them.”

“It’s more than that,” Rex shifted his head and looked at his brother, “I’m responsible, you  - - you didn’t send them to their deaths. I did. All those lives lost … because of me. Because I failed.”

“That wasn’t you. None of this is your fault. You weren’t responsible for their deaths. You were following orders. At the end of the day, we’re all just following orders, vod.”

Rex scoffed “To our deaths.”

Fives nodded in agreement, as he squeezed Rex’s shoulder, “At least we’ll meet it together then.”

Rex chuckled as he looked at Fives and nodded, “True. Alright, Fives. Off with you.” He motioned with his head down the hall, the overwhelming emotions finally simmering back down below the surface, “I’m sure you have somewhere to be.”

“Yes, sir.” Fives saluted and carried on his way, hoping at the very least he gave his brother some comfort. 

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