some friends just stay, stay around
Jude returned to Fiona’s hospital room long after Eli and her family had made their rounds coming to visit her and the baby. Waverly had been missing from the bunch, but given the man sitting in front of her right now, Fiona couldn’t exactly blame her. Andi, on the other hand, had made home in the empty bed beside her, refusing to be anywhere but at her side in that moment.
Eli had called in a favor and booked the whole room.
Jude had showed up, looking a little less than sober with glassy eyes and slightly slurred words, two paper cups in tow. “If I bribe you with some hot cocoa, would you let me stay?” he’d whispered when he’d spotted her still awake in her bed after midnight.
“You don’t have to bribe me to stay,” she’d smiled, reaching for the bed remote to sit up. “For my forgiveness, you might have a little groveling to do.” He chuckled and she’d winked.
“No, no, don’t sit up,” he said, holding a hand up to stop her. He stepped into the room, and set the cups on the small end table, looking to where Andi slept.
“She sleeps like the dead sometimes. Though she’s been good every time the baby’s woken up.”
“Like every good wife,” he teased, words slightly slurred. “Good to know some things haven’t changed.
As he went to take the chair at the edge of her bed, Fiona shook her head and carefully scooted over, wincing some as she felt her muscles tug, and patted the newly empty spot beside her. He murmured a thank you and climbed up onto the bed beside her.
“Wait, wait,” she shook her head. “You smell like straight up rubbing alcohol.”
“Sorry...” he quickly stood. “I...” he cleared his throat, bowing his head some. “I uh... saw Waverly. Needed a little...”
“Ah,” she nodded slowly, not even able to comprehend what that must’ve been like for both of them. “There’s a bathroom in the corner.” She motioned across the room. “Go freshen up. Then... then I think we should talk.”
As he disappeared into the bathroom, Fiona reached for the bed remote, opting to sit up anyway. She wasn’t sleeping, barely slept a wink after everyone left. She was exhausted, but her mind was too wired.
Her eyes shifted to the incubator on the other side of her where Zoë slept, blissfully unaware of anything going on around her. This little girl would be the death of her. She was sure of it.
“You two okay?” a sleepy Andi opened her eyes, woken by the whirring sound of the bed. She rubbed her eyes, looking between Fiona and Zoë. “Who was here?”
“Jude,” Fiona told her, looking away from the baby.
“Oh, wow...” she looked toward the bathroom when she heard the toilet flush.
Andi had opted to get out of bed and pick Zoë up then, taking advantage of every little moment with her would be goddaughter. The sight made Fiona’s heart squeeze again as the reminder of what was to come hit her. But she couldn’t dwell. Wouldn’t, anyway. At least not tonight.
"I’m just a little bit obsessed with you, mamita,” Andi whispered, pressing her lips to Zoë’s forehead, taking a long whiff of her baby scent. She rubbed her back and Fiona smiled.
“I’m sure she loves all of your attention.”
“Of course she does, she’s probably just as in love with me as her mom is.” She winked.
Just then, Jude stepped out of the bathroom, looking way more refreshed than he had a just a moment ago. “You’re awake,” he said, looking to where Andi stood. “Hi...”
“It’s like seeing a ghost…” she said, no bravado to her tone. “She told me, and I still didn’t believe it.”
“Trust me, I can barely believe it myself,” he admitted.
She smiled then, lip softly quirked upward. “It’s really, really good to see you.”
Jude smiled, breathing a sigh of relief despite it. It was so good to be around familiar faces after so long, and not just watching them from the shadows. “Good to see you, too, Andi,” he said in earnest, before his eyes shifted to the sleeping baby in her arms. “Gosh, she’s so beautiful.”
“Zoë.” Fiona looked over at him. “You wanna hold her? If we leave it to Andi, she’d hold her all night.”
“Oh... no, I...” He blushed, looking slightly sheepish.
“I only get to keep her until tomorrow,” she told him. “Take advantage now.”
“Wait, what?” Jude’s brows furrowed, obvious confusion washing over his features. “What does that mean?
Andi sighed. “She’s a surrogate,” she glanced down at Zoë.
“She looks just like you… how…?” He blinked looking between them. “And Eli…?”
“Is her dad,” she finished. “It’s a long story.”
Jude unzipped his coat, setting it down on the empty seat in the corner next to Andi’s. He went ahead and took Fiona’s previously offered seat beside her on the bed, this time handing her the cup of chocolate he’d brought for her. “How much did I miss?”
“Three years is a long time.” Andi walked over, and eased Zoë into her arms with instruction to watch her head. Jude rearranged his arms, making sure to support all the tiny parts of her, awe washing over him as he realized how light she was and yet how heavy her mere existence weighed on his heart.
“Fi… really?” he said softly, tears welling in his eyes as his eyes lingered on her little face. “She’s perfect.”
Fiona looked to Andi, lips pressed together tightly, and she gave her a soft smile in return. “Yeah… yeah, she is.” She sniffled and reached out to brush her thumb over her cheek. Zoë gave a sleepy yawn and settled in his arms again. “Zoë.”
“Zoë… that’s pretty. You did good, kid,” he nodded.
“Yeah, she did,” Andi grinned, sitting in front of both of them on the edge of the bed.
“Thanks,” Fiona chuckled, wiping at her eyes. “And… thank you for coming back tonight,” she added, leaning over to press a kiss to Jude’s shoulder. “I was scared I wouldn’t see you again,” she admitted.
He shook his head, eyes glued to his lap. “I... I don’t think I could be gone again. Not after…”
“She’s a sweetheart,” Andi told her.
“Yeah, I got a hint of that. Caught me off guard in the waiting room earlier.” He turned to look over at Fiona. “She knew me.”
Fiona raised her hand, resting it in the middle of his back. “She knew all of us, apparently. Charlie… made sure of that.”
“I’m going to leave that part to Waverly to explain,” she said, rubbing his back. “Instead, you wanna tell me why you stayed away?”
The beat of silence that lingered between them spoke volumes. Clearly it wasn’t a conversation he was ready to have, and she wasn’t about to push him, especially when she knew that feeling all too well.
“How about you tell me more about her instead?” he suggested, looking to where Zoë slept before his eyes met Fiona’s. “And her dad.”
She scrubbed her free hand over her face, wired exhaustion continuing to take its toll on her. “I met him stuck on an elevator in a ski lodge in the mountains of Canada.”
Jude quietly chuckled, taking a slow sip from the cup in his hands. Fiona’s heart fluttered a bit as she caught the crinkles in the corners of his eyes. It’d been so long since she’d seen her friend laugh properly, so long since they’d shared this kinship between them.
She’d forever be grateful she’d decided to go outside tonight.
“I’m kinda glad you’re here, cause this is the first I get to hear this,” Andi told them, reaching for Fiona’s cup and taking a sip of her chocolate.
“Glad to be of service,” he chuckled. “And that sounds like the start of the making of a murderer,” he told her, leaning back against the elevated bed. “Stranger in an elevator?”
“Oh, trust me, I read him from the beginning,” she grinned at the memory. “But...” she shrugged and sighed. “I don’t know, there was just something about him.”
“Just something about him, huh?” Andi teased. She knew Fiona like the back of her hand, and knew that once she fell for someone, and like really fell for someone, that she was a goner.
Jude, instead, nodded sagely, seeming to just take in her information. This was something she’d always appreciated from him, this degree of wisdom that just came off him in spades without him even saying a word.
“That was four years ago. The year before you...” She stopped abruptly, frowning.
“Died,” he encouraged. “You can say it. It’s okay.”
Fiona reached for his other hand, Zoë still tucked safely in the crook of his arm, lacing their fingers and squeezing gently. Jude squeezed back. “So then what happened?”
She pressed her lips and sighed. “Well, we were drawn to each other after that. Something about four hours in an elevator with someone really changes things,” she managed a chuckle. “And we spent the week together. Best week of my life, I think.”
“Considering where you are right now...” he motioned toward Zoë
She blushed at that, his words heavy with meaning. If she’d known then what she knows now, how things could’ve been different, and yet probably exactly the same.
“We started... seeing each other after that,” she continued. “Sort of. He was in California at the time, and we... I dunno, it became this thing of meeting somewhere in the middle twice a year.”
“Is that where you’d disappear to twice a year? And your strategically placed selfies, you were with him?” Andi asked.
Fiona laughed softly. “Okay, they weren’t strategically placed. I was with him, but we just… There was this unspoken thing between us where we wouldn’t talk about how the easiest thing would be to make it real and just be together. He was finishing up law school and I had grad school and started up the bakery. There was too much... It feels like a bunch of excuses now, but at the time all of it felt so important to keep our lives exactly as they were. As if not doing that would somehow taint whatever it was we’d created.”
“Sounds like every good love story,” Jude said. “Though if you ask me, I think you were wasting time.”
She scoffed. “Oh, sure.” He smiled, wrinkling his nose. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. No one ever said there was any logic to us. We just ended up taking every little moment we could, and made the most of it when we were together. And when we weren’t, we went back to our lives. And then... he got married about a year ago. And it stopped.”
“So wait, he met his wife while he was with you?” Andi sounded a bit defensive.
“It wasn’t like that,” Fiona said quickly. “And it isn’t as defensive as I know I sound right now. It was just…”
“Complicated,” Jude finished.
Fiona sighed. “Yeah.”
“So where does she come in?” Andi asked, motioning to Zoë. “And is she really…”
“She’s mine,” Fiona admitted, and maybe it was the late hour and the over-exhaustion, maybe it was having Jude back, and the notion of being surrounded by two of her best friends in the world that made her be honest about it. “Biologically, she’s my daughter. We… we were stupid.”
“You slept together.”
Fiona nodded, bowing her head. She hadn’t wanted to think about it because of the shame she felt at the thought of allowing herself to go there.
“I was never supposed to see him again once he got married. The last time I saw him, we didn’t even…” She swallowed hard. “We just talked, and we said goodbye. And then cut to a year later, that clinic reached out to me from when I signed up years ago. And they needed a surrogate, and I figured it was going to be fine. And then I walked into the room to meet the couple, and there he was.”
“Oh, Fi… how did you do this by yourself?” Andi asked. “Why didn’t you tell me? Or even Waverly?”
“Because it wasn’t ever supposed to be this much of a mess,” she sniffled, unsure of when she’d started crying. She wiped at her hands with her free hand as Jude squeezed her other one. “And you and Waverly flipped out the moment I told you about the baby, imagine how it would’ve been if I’d told you it happened the way that it did.”
“Babe, I told you, I was only upset you didn’t tell me,” Andi gave her knee a squeeze. “You didn’t have to do this alone. Any of it.”
“I thought I could do it by myself, they were supposed to be strangers, and I was just supposed to help. I just didn’t account for it ever being him,” She bit her lip. “We were never supposed to do anything, ever, there was just a night where we made the mistake. His wife was out of town, and we went out somewhere to talk because she had to know about us. Nothing was happening then, but she deserved to know I wasn’t just some stranger. And he... begged me...” she shut her eyes, the desperation in his eyes that day still clear in her mind. “I was so angry, but I was so emotional because of those stupid hormone shots and… it never happened again and I tried to create some distance.”
“And now she’s here...” Jude ran his thumb over the back of Fiona’s hand, his eyes shifting down to a sleeping Zoë.
“And I don’t want to give her up because she’s my daughter, and I feel it so much when I look at her. I don’t want to imagine life without her, but they’re expecting a baby they paid a lot of money to have. And Eli… my god, he loves her. He fell for her instantly.”
“And he loves you,” Jude said matter-of-factly. “The look on both your faces earlier told me everything I needed to know,” he told her, not a hint of judgement to his observation. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand.
“But none of that changes anything. He has an entire world, and a wife. A family.” Zoë stirred in that moment, quietly whining.
“Hey, hey… you’re okay,” Jude murmured as her little face wrinkled, clearly upset. “I think she wants her mama.”
Fiona reached for her, bringing her into her arms and drawing her close. “Hello sweetheart,” she whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to her nose. “I’m here, baby. I’ve got you.” She rubbed her back, and tried to soothe her, watching as she quieted down.
“You’re just so good with her, Fi,” Andi said softly, her own eyes welling. “You can’t just…”
“Can I give you some perspective?” Jude offered, looking between them. His heart squeezed as he watched mother and daughter connect and hold one another. He thought briefly about how he missed this with Waverly and Eleanor, and it broke his heart. They could’ve had this memory, too. “From someone who had to give everything up and not exactly by choice.”
Fiona rubbed Zoë’s back again, feeling her settle against her. “Anything.”
“I know this is complicated, and messy, and that there’s so much up in the air, but she’s your daughter, and regardless of what the fall out might be, you shouldn’t give her up. And I don’t know Eli, but from what I saw, he seems like a really good guy. I don’t think he’d take her from you if you said you wanted to keep her.”
“Jude, it’d break his heart. And his wife… this is her life, too.”
“That’s not your problem, love,” Andi said. “Because you losing that baby would break your heart.”
“Take it from me,” Jude continued. “Regardless of the mistake you made, you don’t need to be a martyr and break your own heart to make it right.”
“He’s right, Fi. I know how you are, and I love you for it, but he’s the one who’s responsible for the mess. And he has to be man enough to deal with it, regardless of what the final decision is.”
Zoë settled against her, head lolling against her shoulder. And Fiona knew in that moment she didn’t want to be without her, but she also knew she couldn’t take her away from Eli. And he had an entire world to answer to. She couldn’t help but make it her problem.
“Whatever you decide, just know you won’t be alone in it,” Andi said. “And now since Jude has been kind enough to come back from the dead,” she teased and he chuckled. “I hope it’s not too soon for jokes.”
“From you? Never,” he smiled.
Andi smiled. “Now that he’s back, you’ve got him, too.”
