#jsut venting

And when we don’t respond right away bc, lbr, usually what he’s saying is not even relevant or part of the current convo, he starts audibly grumbling and playing the victim like he never gets to say anything at all? Like, we all gotta wait our turn man. he even asks to to repeat back to him what he said if we don’t answer him every time??? who does that???

BUT EVEN MORE ANNOYING is that when he doesn’t understand it he asks us to repeat it and becomes agitated when he still doesn’t understand, and starts blaming us for talking simultaneously, or too hard, or not repeating the exact same sentence, bc yes, he expects us to repeat the exact same thing we said earlier. i seriously think his ears are getting worse but he says he’s ‘hearing too much at once’ every time. like what. 

he wants to be 50% of a conversation between five people, but that’s not how it works. he wants us all to speak in turns, but that’s not how natural speech works, and while he’s the one usually yelling he blames us constantly for being too loud. like yea sometimes we’re loud but not as much as him bc he yells about every little inconvenience? we all gotta tip toe around him when he’s home and basically be silent in the entire downstairs area but like, the tv ain’t holy, we live here too, i understand that you work 5-5 but this is getting ridiculous??

sometimes when he’s home early and im the only one home i just. i wanna pack up my stuff and retire to my room immediately bc while it’s just us he doesn’t say a word but the energy is just so negative?? it’s this whole aura of ‘don’t inconvenience me in any way or you’ll get hell’ that almost physically upsets me. and bc i only have class on wednesday and no standard job im constantly being told im lazy even though i try so hard on my thesis/schoolwork/even the household? i help my mom around the house a lot but it’s never appreciated by him bc it’s overshadowed by everything i don’t do. just bc i’m 21 and don’t have a hands-on 9-5 job like he had at that age. 

i know i never blow up like this but just. i feel like it’s blocking me mentally a lot to deal with this, to have to constantly be on my guard every day, and it just sucks. i can’t really escape to campus either bc it’s an hour away and always buy and full at the library so I’m just fucking stuck w this and my cube-y square prison of a bedroom and my own brain. sometimes those two start looking so much the same i wanna yell. 

Someday I';m going to have to stop pretending to be what I know will please people.

I keep telling myself to continue writing. 

through the tears

through the depression

through the pain

through the blood

and it isn't fair

it isn't fair that i feel like I need to fight for my own boyfriend's attention.

It makes me sick. 

But Im the one who agreed to an open relationship.

Because

I

wanted

him

HAPPY. 

i'm done. 

goodnight.