OMG double-whammy ofSaeYuki fanfics! I know! Unheard of haha. But I’m so glad summer is here because I can spend my time writing for all you lovely people. Thank you to my readers and I hope you enjoy this one too :D
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The alarm bell rings and my hand automatically slams down on the clock. It reads 7:00 in neon numbers and I mentally moan. Another Monday, meaning another school day. Forcing myself out of the comfort of my bed, I slip to the bathroom, making sure not to wake Mum next door. She had another late night. I feel sorry for her, having to work two jobs. Even though I work part-time, I don’t think it’s enough. Yet, Mum insists that I stay in school. And out of respect and a forced promise, I do. At least, until I can qualify for a real job and earn cold hard cash for Mum and me.
After doing all the bathroom business, I return to my room and grab my uniform from the hanger. Throwing it on the bed and stripping down, I quickly put it on. Then, standing in front of my mirror, I see myself again. I gaze at reflection, the top shaping my slim body, the skirt revealing my toned, long legs. I am an all-round girl who I would, if I was a boy, find totally attractive. Except from two flaws, I am way too tall and I have a boyish cut.
Being tall, I can’t do anything about. My dad was massive and apparently all the family members on his side were tall; at least that’s what Mum has told me. However, the boy cut, I can do without. That’s what I get for letting Mum, who insisted she knew how to cut hair even though she only worked in a hairdresser’s for two months, cut my hair. You would not think I had long wavy locks down my back, but I did and they all vanished within minutes of giving the scissors to Mum. Yet, at the same time, after years of wearing this do, I can’t seem to get rid of it. It was my first cut from Mum and since then, she’s cut my hair. With her working two jobs, we barely get to spend time together so once a month, when she cuts my hair, it truly is our time. No worries about money, food, school, work. Just us.
Plus, it’s so much more convenient to handle. No more split ends, no knots or tangles and no more time occupying hair brushing. It’s also cheaper, saving water with no more ridiculously long hair wash time, and no less product use. It’s all good; even if the sacrifice is that I look like a boy.
Staring at myself, I grin and ruffle my chocolate brown hair until it looks kind of presentable and I quickly rush to school.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Swinging my school bag over my shoulder, I walk to school while listening to my mp3, the music singing into my ears. However, even though I try to immerse myself into the songs, I hear the girly voices around me.
“She’s so tall and handsome!”
“She’s like a boy! So cool.”
“I wonder if she likes girls.”
Even though I try hard to ignore, it’s happening again.
This is only one of the moments where I wish I wore a wig, a nice glossy long wig so no one mistakes me for a tom-boy. It’s times like these that I sometimes wonder if my body is a curse. I’m sick of all this attention. I hate labels. It seems like every time I walk outside, giddy schoolgirls are surrounding me, gesturing at my ‘manliness’ or ‘handsomeness’ or how they ‘wish I was a boy’. Their stereotypical and judgemental views on my appearance just because I may look a bit different from what a ‘normal’ high school girl would look like. Just because I’m out of the norm, it seems like it gives them the right to comment on it. Well, it doesn’t. They don’t know who I am and I don’t know who they are. So why is it that they can say what they like, as if they are my friends?
I don’t know how to fix cars. I can barely fix my bicycle. I don’t know how to do DIY. I can just screw in a light bulb without electrocuting myself. I don’t just wear boyish clothes, I like dresses too. I’m not part of an athletics club. I don’t have guy friends. And most of all:
It doesn’t help that I go to an all-girls school (not because I chose to, it’s the closest high school to me). Their constant background chatter drives me insane. They’re like a swarm of mosquitos, waiting for me to drop my guard so they can go in for a taste. I am a girl and I am active and I have short hair and I am quite tall. That doesn’t make me a tom-boy. It seems like I go out of my way to prove them wrong. Once I even went to the lengths of placing a picture of a random guy on my phone and saying it was my boyfriend. However, that seemed to make it worse and raged girls demanded to see him, to witness what made him so much greater than they were and what made him more dateable than them. This harassment drove me insane, and finally I said that we broke up. Sometimes at night, I think about how sad that whole situation was. I had made up a boyfriend just to stop some girls talking about me. However, they were forcing their image of a “Prince” onto me and I despised it.
For one thing, at least he was of the male gender, even if he was fictional. Even though it may not look like it to others, I do like boys. I like to be protected and I like to have someone hold my hand who had longer fingers than I did, who was warmer than I was. Someone who listened to me, wiped my tears, and held me close. Is that so wrong for me? For me, a girl, to desire the feel of a man’s body? To wish that one day, I am going to wake up next to the love of my life and kiss them good morning. So utterly and carelessly in love that I don’t even care about morning breath.
It seems like it was wrong because all the voices around me, they dictated that I should be anyone other than myself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I enter the classroom, again, the twitters ring in my ear. They are even more annoying than my morning alarm. I bet if I slapped them too, it would shut them up. But I can’t do that, I’m not that type of girl.
Blocking out the girlish whispers, I head to the only other girls who know exactly how I feel. Akimoto Sayaka, the other “Prince”, and the girl who loves girls and doesn’t care about a thing, Oshima Yuko.
“Hey Sae.” says Akimoto, fist bumping me.
“Morning Sae.” Yuko greets. “I see your flock has disappeared.”
I sigh. “Don’t even start.”
Sitting on my seat, in front of Yuko and to the right of Sayaka, I turn to see Yuko staring at me like she had a secret and Sayaka looking as if she was going to soil herself.
“Guess what?” finally Yuko bursts.
“What?” I ask, already not in the mood for jokes.
“Do you want the bad news of good news?”
“Bad.” I like to get things out of the way so I can enjoy the rest of my life. Like school. I can’t wait to get out of this place.
Yuko grins like a Cheshire cat. “That rumour is heating up again.”
My heart sinks. I glance at Sayaka and see she’s clutching her head, trying to prevent a new headache.
Recently there has been a rumour spreading around school that Sayaka and I were dating. This of course isn’t true. But of course, because of how we are and what how we appear – Sayaka being of the tall build and handsome in her own right and our close friendship allowing frequent thoughtless skinship– we were labelled as a couple. Even though I know for a fact Sayaka is dating Anton, a guy from the neighbouring male high school. It’s amazing how fast gossip can spread, like wild fire, burning the truth in its path. There’s nothing we can do to stop but let it run its course until people stop talking about it, which meant more energy spent on enduring whispers.
“So what’s the good news then?” I ask.
“We’re getting a new transfer student.”
I stare at Yuko. “How is that good news?”
“Another girl to add to your posse.”
I am about to hit Yuko when suddenly the bell rings and we straighten in our seats. With usual pinpoint punctuality, Mr Yasushi enters carrying his black briefcase that he has never opened and the pot belly that his shirts could never quite cover.
“Silence everyone. Welcome back for another week and to start it off, I have an announcement. Joining us, we have a new transfer student.”
I feel the air instantly buzz with anticipation, the mosquitoes awakening again. Whoever it is, I hope it’s someone who can take – or at least share – the burden of attention.
“Come in.” Mr Yasushi called.
A silence falls on the class and all eyes are on the door. Finally scoping eyes are off me. When the door opens, I hear some breaths still and others sharply intake. She walks in, her steps the only sound in the room, drawing the focus from all. Even I can’t tear my gaze away.
“This is Kashiwagi Yuki.” introduces Mr Yasushi, who no one looks at. “Our new transfer student from Tokyo.”
There is a sound of awe but I barely notice. I just stare at her, completely enthralled. Her long straight hair – like the type of hair I has wished for - and her skim womanly figure that I have longed for. She also has pupils are black as a starless sky. However, her skin is like the moon in contrast, glowing pale. Then, there are her lips that I catch myself staring at. They are rosy, like she is wearing lipstick. She is so different from me. Like a beautiful, feminine geisha.
“Hello everyone.” she greets after her short bow. “Please call me Yuki. I hope we get along.”
Even her voice is like a princess’s. Yet, like a witch, she has me completely enchanted.
Suddenly her eyes meet mine.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My eyes have never been so focussed on the front board in my life. All throughout class, since Mr Yasushi announced that Yuki would sit next to me, at the last empty seat, I have forced myself to keep my eyes away from Yuki. When the bell rings to signal lunch, I make sure my eyes are still ahead, even when Yuki was standing next to me one second, disappearing out of the classroom the next. My lungs finally relax, after remaining contracted for four hours. To be honest, it’s a good thing she’s gone. I could see the flock of mosquitos, swarming after hearing the hot gossip of a new student. Though it is not a surprise people are drawn to her. She is the new, mysterious, beautiful entity that everyone desired to know. And for the first time, we are taking part in the buzz of curiosity.
“I wonder why she moved here.” begins Yuko.
“Probably because of her parents job.” says Sayaka.
“It must be depressing to come from Tokyo to here, a dainty countryside.”
I don’t reply. I don’t have an input. Nor do I have the answers. But I wish I knew everything about her.
“She’s definitely hot.” Yuko muses, myself mentally nodding along. “But she has nothing on my Haruna.”
“She is very pretty.” agrees Sayaka. “But she’s rather quiet.”
“Well it is her first day.” I say. “I would be nervous too.”
“If you think that, we can invite her to have lunch with us.”
Before I can protest, I see Yuko’s gaze go beyond me. I turn and I freeze when I see the object of our conversion is standing back at her desk.
“Hey Yuki, do you want to have lunch with us?” Yuko hastily asks, unknowing that my heart is pounding furiously.
However, even with this, I watch her with anticipation. I feel those dark eyes on me and I shudder. I have yet to decide if it is from pleasure or fear. Then, when I think she will decline, Yuki gives a small nod. With a massive grin, Yuko cheers while Sayaka calmly smiles. As with me, I turn away, hiding my face. I don’t want anyone to see because that would make my happiness real - even though my lips move into a smile on their own accord, the strain to hide the smile hurting my cheeks.
Soon Haruna joins us and our usual lunch party begins. As we eat, no one comes to us. We are like gods, untouchable, but their voices reach us. However, our voices overpower the buzz. Well, most of ours. Neither Yuki nor I speak, but Yuko, Haruna and Sayaka fill the gaps just fine. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t bring myself to say anything. Even my palms are sweaty, making my chopsticks slip in my hand. I glance to the right of me and Yuki is the same, silently eating her lunch. However, from the small smiles and the light glint of enjoyment in her eyes, I can tell she is paying attention to the conversation. Unwittingly, with her attention elsewhere, I am concentrated on Yuki. It distresses me, but at the same time, I feel this unstoppable pull. I study her round nose, up to her long eyelashes. Every feature of her is attractive, so much so that I can’t look away. Suddenly, Yuki turns to me and I immediately look away, my face red as if I’d been caught doing something bad. To be honest, this is bad. I can’t be feeling like this, especially with another girl. It would mean everything that I’ve hated about what others have said about me, would be true. I can’t have that. I can’t let them define who I am. I won’t let them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It’s the end of class and I’m relieved. At least at my part-time job I can lose myself and earn some good money.
“Bye Yuki.” says Yuko loudly.
I turn to my right and see Yuki is already packed. She’s faster than she looks. Yuki smiles and again I feel my heart pulse.
“Bye.” she quietly says, before speeding out of the class again.
When she is gone, Yuko turns to me. “I like her.” she announces.
I just nod, getting ready to leave as well. “But I don’t think you do.”
I look at Yuko, confused. “What do you mean?”
“You don’t look at her. You didn’t speak to her at lunch. You barely acknowledge her existence. How can I say otherwise? Right Sayaka?”
Sayaka hums in agreement. “What happened to the Happiness Queen? You’re usually far more talkative. You were so cold today.”
“I don’t know, I just didn’t feel like speaking.”
However, the two don’t look convinced. “Whatever.” I say. “I need to get to work anyway. See you guys tomorrow.”
When I walk out of the door, I hear Yuko shout. “At least try to smile at her tomorrow.”
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I walk out of the staff room, tying my apron around me, and already my manager is in front of me.
“Sae-chan, I’ve something to tell you.”
Nerves hit me. However, I know he’s not going to fire me because I’m the only other worker in his book store. With endless numbers of books to sort and organise, and Mr Uta’s increasing age, I know he needs me. Yet, I am nervous. I wonder what he wants to say.
“I know you’re having trouble, especially as I’m not exactly the youngest person. So I decided to hire someone else so you’re not as drained and you have someone other than an old man to talk to.”
“Mr Uta, don’t be silly. I’m still grateful you gave me this chance.”
And that’s the truth. He’s the only male role-model who I’ve actually looked up to. Even though knowing my school did not allow students to have a job, he allowed me to have this job on the promise that I wouldn’t tell anyone from my school. I’ve kept this promise, and in return he welcomed me with open arms and a place where I could lose myself in different worlds.
Mr Uta kindly smiles like he was a grandfather. “I know. But still, you have to do too much already, and you need energy to study.”
I finally nod and follow him. With high shelves packed full of books, it is hard for me to spot anyone else in the store. However, once reach the till area, I see one person standing behind the desk wearing the same apron as I am. Immediately I freeze.
“Sae, this is your new co-worker.”
She smiles at me and bows. “Nice to meet you. Please take care of me.”
I just stare at her, completely flabbergasted. Kashiwagi Yuki looks at me, still smiling.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Standing next to Yuki, I feel the same nerves I felt before. I stack the newly arrived books, organising the displays, with Yuki following suit. The silence is killing me.
“I didn’t know you worked here.” Yuki suddenly started, the first conversation we’ve ever had.
“Yeah.” I reply, my voice coming out strange for having not talked for so long. I blush and clear my throat, but Yuki doesn’t seem to notice or mind. “I didn’t know you applied to work here.”
“Well I saw the opening on the day I moved here, so I decided to apply. I didn’t think I would get the job so quickly.”
“It means Mr Uta likes you.” I say, knowing Mr Uta’s strict judge of character.
“That’s good. I need this job.”
I look at Yuki, but she is too preoccupied with her work. I wonder, if she moved here for reasons similar to why I’m working here too. Then, I notice her slim hands and my eyes concentrate.
“You have pretty long fingers.”
Yuki stops and glances at them, giggling. “Really? A lot of people have said that to me. Maybe because I played piano.”
I smile. The conversation is going well and it’s pretty casual. I open my mouth to ask about her piano history. Suddenly, someone comes in. I know instantly because she comes in, looking rather ragged and tired, with a screaming child in her arms. So much for smooth conversation.
“Can someone please help me?” the woman asks.
Instantly, even before I can even comprehend the situation, Yuki is in front of the woman and helping her with the fussy child. I look at where she was and see books she dropped, coincidently landing in a neat pile. I wonder, is she always this fast.
I hang back because I don’t want to crowd the woman, and I’m also not that comfortable with children, especially those that are attempting to burst everyone’s ear drums. I just return to my work, monitoring the situation now and again. Despite Yuki’s quiet demeanour, she seems to be handling the situation pretty well. I already know she’s a good listener, but I see her red lips move in response. Suddenly, Yuki faces me and I freeze. Yuki strolls towards me and I think she is going to scold me for staring. However, she rushes next to me and looks quickly amongst the shelves. Suddenly, she reaches forward, her body brushing against mine. Her face goes so close to mine that her hair tickles my cheeks. However, Yuki is gone as quick as she arrived, leaving a space in the shelf where a thin book used to be. Even though she has returned to the woman, the ticklish sensation still remains, like a lipstick stain, on my cheek.
After talking for a few more moments, the women smiles and the child calms down as soon as she sees the book. Immediately grasping it, the child doesn’t let go and grins cutely at Yuki, completely the opposite of the screaming child. Yuki returns the smile and again I feel my chest lighten. Then, the two head to the till area, paying for their purchase, and Yuki returns with light steps.
“So how did it go?” I ask.
“It was okay.” Yuki replies, picking up her dropped books. “It turns out that the baby-sitter accidently threw away her son’s favourite book and she was wondering if we had it. It’s quite old, but luckily I remember seeing it in your hands.”
Yuki smiles while she talks and it brings a grin to my face.
“You’re really good at talking to customers.” I compliment.
“I wouldn’t have guessed.”
My brain immediately fumbles. “Well…because….” I stutter.
“I have an unapproachable aura?”
I glance at Yuki and her grin calms me. “Something like that.” I admit.
She lightly giggles and something flutters in my stomach.
“Many people have misconceptions about me. In my old school, I was the dark, gloomy, emo kid in the back of the room. However, I’m nothing like that. I’m cheerful and energetic. I just need to get to know people first, before I’m comfortable letting my guard down. But people assumed that I had a dark personality and withdrew from me. Then because the guys liked me, they thought I was a slut. I don’t even like men.”
She knows how to casually drop a bomb.
“This is my third school now…” Yuki confesses. “I just want to fit in.”
Her story makes my chest ache. Unknowingly, my hand is already on her shoulder, offering a comforting touch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weeks pass and I realise what Yuki meant. She really is bright and quirky, and sometimes ditzy, showing her exaggerated reactions and range of expressions. At school, she would play along with Yuko’s antics and practice drama lines with Sayaka. However, after school, all her time is with me. I would go home, excited for tomorrow, completely different from my past self. She suddenly became the person who I am most excited to see, and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. A part of me wonders, if I should be so involved in this friendship, which has quickly become part of my life. But then I think, how can something so good, be bad?
Yuki and I are on cleaning duty, and I am going to throw the rubbish bins away. However, what was supposed to be a quick duty, turned into Mr Yasushi stopping me in the corridor and lecturing me to make a suitable choice for my future. I’ve heard this so many times before - him telling me that I could do so much more than just working, that my grades could get me to a great university and that he would write me an excellent reference, that I could even try a new Chinese exchange programme and how it could open new opportunities for me. I’ve heard the same speech so many times that I can’t help roll my eyes. I just nod and let my mind wonder.
Eventually he just sighs, and lets me go. I quickly bow and rush back to the classroom. I hope I didn’t leave Yuki for too long. When I reach the door, I expect to see Yuki smile in welcoming, but instead I notice a dark aura around Yuki. For once, I understood why most people found Yuki difficult to approach. When I left, Yuki sent me away with a smile, but I recognise the unsettling change. She sits at her desk, staring at her phone, with a dark and troubled gaze. Honestly, I find it difficult to walk up to her. It’s almost frightening. However, I suck it up and quietly step towards Yuki because I’m being ridiculous. There must be a reason for why Yuki is upset and I’m determined to find out why.
“What’s wrong?” I quietly ask.
“…Nothing.” she utters, not even looking at me.
If she wasn’t staring down, I’m sure Yuki would have seen the hurt flash across my face. The pain surprises me, and the sudden anger flushes me.
“Are we really going to do this?”
Finally Yuki looks at me, and I wish I didn’t snap. I see the glaze of unshed tears in her eyes, and I feel even worse.
My heart jumps. It aches greatly and I don’t know why. I’m also irritated, and I don’t know why.
All I can say is, “I’m sorry.”
I feel the urge to hold her hand, to tell her it’s alright. But I don’t move.
“It’s okay. What did I expect? She still lives in Tokyo while I live here. It wasn’t going to work out.”
Yuki looks at me and lightly smiles. I never knew a smile could be so heart-breaking.
Suddenly, the tears silently roll down her eyes and Yuki quickly starts wiping at them.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me.”
When I see Yuki cry, my throat ties itself into a knot and my heart aches so much. I don’t know what to say, but I grab her frantic hands. She stares at me, her tears momentarily stopping, and I bring her into an embrace. There is a moment where I know Yuki doesn’t know what to do, but then I hear her sniff, and her body trembles. Then, she starts to cry and her hands grab hold onto me. As she sobs, I just hold her, stoking her soft hair, shushing like Mum used to do for me to calm me down.
I don’t know when Yuki will stop crying, but we are late for work. However, I don’t care. I just stay as Yuki loses control, and I lose myself in the scent of strawberries and tea.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stare at the girl, almost unable to hide my contempt. I look at her small nose, wide eyes and rather nervous expression, I really wonder why me.
“Sae-senpai…” she almost whimpers. “I love you Sae-senpai.”
Holding in my sigh, I gaze at her dead in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Suddenly, the tears fall from her face, her face contorted into devastation and all this looks so familiar. I’ve hurt someone else again.
“I knew you would say that.” she says. “I saw you and Yuki-senpai yesterday.”
“What do you mean?” I demand.
However, she runs past me, most likely going into the arms of her best friend. She doesn’t care about how I feel at this moment. It’s all about her. This is fair enough, because I don’t even know her name.
Still, what she said shocks me. What did she see? What did she hear? Are people going to talk about us? Are they going to spread rumours of me of Yuki?
Suddenly, a disgusting taste fills my mouth and I want to spit it out. I think, it’s the taste of pure hate.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m stacking the books and Yuki is next to me. There’s simple conversation between us. We don’t talk about yesterday, but we have a mutual understanding and gratitude. However, I was to ask her the question that has been pestering me since the girl confessed to me, which may make Yuki annoyed at me.
“What do you like about girls?” I ask her. “I’m sorry if I sound insensitive, but I just don’t get it.”
Yuki stops stacking, and looks at me. I watch her as she hesitates, as if she’s juggling her words to put them in the right order to form a comprehendible sentence.
“I don’t know.” she finally says. Yuki hesitates again, looking at me with her doe like eyes, and asks me. “Have you ever fallen in love?”
I don’t even hesitate. “No.”
Yuki nods, not judging. “Then I don’t know if I can explain it properly… But I can try my best.”
She sits next to the pile of books, as if she were a storyteller in a library, about to tell the epic story of love and romance. “I think once you’re in love, it’s exactly the same as any other normal relationship. It’s like a planted seed. You don’t know when or how it happens, but naturally, feelings grow. Feelings you can’t touch, but like air, you know it’s there. You breathe it in and it fills you head to toe. It completes you. It’s warming, secure, but can be chilling when it’s lost. When you’re with that person, that person you love, you get butterflies. And when you’re away from them, you miss them. It just so happens that the person, who makes me feel this way, is a girl.”
I don’t realise when Yuki stops talking until a customer walks in and Yuki leaves to serve him. Yet,her words haunt me like a ghostly whisper, entering me and holding onto my bones. This feeling doesn’t leave me and like a weed, it grips onto my heart and doesn’t let go. I’ve always thought that that love would be given to me by a man, and I would feel like that for him. However, that image of a faceless man, has recently taken shape into a different person. I can’t quite see who it is, but at the same time, I don’t want to know. I’m afraid to find out who it is.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“So you’re going back to Tokyo?”
“Only for a few days.” Yuki reassures. “My dad is going to having a meeting with some of his business partners and he wants me to come. And I can visit my family and friends.”
I should feel happy for her, but already I feel the loneliness creeping in. For half of the year, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t seen Yuki. It’s going to be strange when she goes. It suddenly strikes me. I wonder when I had become so dependent on another person.
Suddenly, Yuki drops her charger on the floor and I reach over from the bed to pick it up. However, the attempt fails because I somehow fall off the bed and I grab the first thing to hopefully stop my fall, which is Yuki’s top. However, my weight pulls her down. This causes Yuki to land on top of me, the impact pushing the air from my stomach. The shock subsides and suddenly I just do one thing. I laugh. Then, I feel Yuki’s shake and her laugh rings next to my ear. My body slightly hurts but I just find it incredible how we ended up like this. It’s hilarious.
Still laughing, Yuki lifts herself up with her arms and I sit up. We are still giggling, our legs intertwined in a careless manner. I grin largely, so much that my cheeks hurt. But then, when the laughter subsides, I realise how close we are. Our bodies are so close that I feel the heat radiating from her body. It’s comforting, and unsettling. I want to move, but my body doesn’t. So contradictory. I think Yuki notices the same thing because I see her eyes dart to our legs, to the tiny space between our torsos, then to my lips, and back to my eyes. I feel my throat close when I gulp. I don’t remember when I have ever felt this nervous before. There is a wall of tension between us and through it, we look at each other. Yuki stares at me, as if we are about to kiss.
I tear my eyes away, laughing as I untangle myself from her and these feelings. I brush my legs, patting off the lint as if it was Yuki’s gaze.
“Let’s continue packing.” I say, cringing as I hear how shaky my voice is.
Suddenly I feel my body being swung round and lips on mine. It’s soft yet forceful. My body remains frozen while heat fills me, burning within me like her kiss is fire and I am paper. Suddenly, I see the eyes of dozens of people on me, their lips moving with silent, hurtful words. Then, I realise who I’m kissing. A girl, who I know I am not attracted to, and in no way would have intimidate feelings for.
I roughly push her away, stepping back.
“What are you doing?” hearing my words full of anger.
Yuki looks stricken. “I thought-”
“What? That I liked you?”
I see the hurt in her eyes and immediately I feel the painful regret. But the fear and confusion consumes me.
“Just because you like girls doesn’t mean I do!” I grab my things and rush away, before uttering some last words that I know would hurt Yuki the most. “I’m not that type of girl.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With the first buzz of my alarm, I slam it into silence. My body is exhausted and heavy. My eyes sting from the dryness. I couldn’t sleep. All night, like last night and the night before, I spent replaying what I said and did. I regret everything and I wish I could turn back time. However, I can’t. So, I have to own up to what I’ve done and how much I must have upset Yuki.
I check my phone. No new messages. I don’t expect anything, especially as I haven’t brought myself to contact Yuki first. I’m still scared. I’ve had the whole weekend to think, but I’m still uncertain of how I feel and what I’m going to do. I love my Mum, and I know I love my friends. But this is, completely new to me. It’s far too unstable and unpredictable and it’s freaking me out.
When I arrive at school, Yuko is the first to point of my eyes.
“Why are they so bloodshot? Spent too much time watching porn last night?”
“She isn’t you.” Sayaka replies.
The two continue to banter and I enter the classroom. Then, I see Yuki and again, my body freezes. Is she going to ignore me? Is she going to hit me? I don’t know and I’m scared. However, I suck it in and force myself to step towards her.
My heart is jittering, but unlike my expectations, she looks up and smiles at me.
I’m slightly confused by her reaction, even if it relieves most of my nervousness. However, when I see the smile doesn’t reach her eyes, I know everything is not okay.
“How was your father’s?” I ask, sitting at my desk next to hers, attempting to keep it as casual as possible.
“It was really nice. I got to see all my friends and family again.”
Then, there’s a silence between us. I feel the awkwardness. Swallowing, I bring myself to face her.
“I’m sorry… about last time.”
Without looking at me, Yuki says. “It’s okay.”
Unconvinced, I continue. “It was my fault really. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that.”
“It’s fine. I shouldn’t have forced myself onto you.”
My heart, like a glass, drops and shatters on the floor.
Suddenly, I hear loud whispers.
“Look, they are talking.”
“See! I told you they are together.”
“The Prince and Princess.”
I glance at the crowd of girls at the door, and I look at Yuki. I realise, they are talking about Yuki and I. Immediately, my blood boils and a fire rages within me.
“They really suit each other.”
“I wish I could have seen what they were like in the classroom.”
“I bet they kiss and stuff.”
“They must love each other so much.”
The anger explodes with a fury.
The classroom is stunned silent. My hands sting from me slamming my palms on the desk with frustration. My breathing is deep and my face still feels hot and my heart heavy with burden.
I turn and face Sayaka, and she looks at me with worry. I glance at Yuko who shares a matching expression. Then, when I slightly calm down, I turn to Yuki. Her expression is what makes my chest ache the most and the tears spring to my eyes. I’ve never seen such hurt and disappointment in my life.
Before I can sputter an excuse or apology, the bell interrupts me and like clockwork, Mr Yasushi enters the room.
“Silence everyone, homeroom is beginning.”
I take one last glance at Yuki, but again, she’s avoiding my gaze. It hurts. A lot.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
School ends and I get ready to go to work. I’m not sure if I should wait for Yuki, but she packs up at my pace. Then, she turns to me.
Her question stuns me because I thought for sure she wasn’t talking to me, especially as she disappeared at lunch and didn’t return until the end. We haven’t said a word since my morning outburst. And it’s the same on the way to work.
The walk is silent and tense. When I open my mouth to speak, I close it again because I’m not sure how to begin. When we enter the staff room, we change quietly. I glance at her to at least attempt a conversation, but my cheeks instantly flush when I see Yuki, bending over her bag to retrieve her work clothes. Immediately I turn back round, unable to speak again, but this time because of the image of Yuki bent over in her underwear, still flashing inside my head.
Usually work goes quite quickly, but today it’s been the slowest day. Just a few hours feel like days and what used to be chatty times, were now just me filling the void with my mental words. However, this day has made me realise again, just how dependent and relying I’ve become on Yuki. Again, the rush of fright goes through me. Yet that fright, compared with the consuming fear of losing Yuki I felt during the weekend and today, does not even compare.
Again we are back in the staff changing room. This time, instead of looking at Yuki, I let my mind speak for itself.
“It’s okay.” Yuki interrupts. “We don’t have to talk about it.”
Suddenly, I hear a frustrated sigh and a thud. I turn and see Yuki half naked once more. However, I concentrate only on her face because it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Yuki glare at me.
“Fine.” Yuki exasperates. “Let’s talk about it. All I wanted was to be friends and stay friends. But then, I started… I didn’t fall in love with you because of your gender. I fell in love with you, as a person. From how your eyes cutely scrunch together when you smile to how you snort when you laugh. I love you, simply because you’re you.”
Yuki’s in love with me. She loves me. She’s in love with me.
“I know you don’t feel the same way but I did not like the way you embarrassed not only me, but yourself in front of everyone. And-”
Before I know it, I’m in front of her, looking at her wide, surprised eyes. Then, without thinking, I kiss her. The joy explodes in my heart and it’s such a happy pain that tears suddenly fall from my eyes. What was a deep sweet kiss, now tastes salty. We break apart but not fully, our foreheads supporting each other’s. It hurts to breath, but it feels delightful. I can’t stop crying. All these feelings overwhelm me. Then, the words fall from my mouth.
Yuki smiles and just nods, holding my face as her thumbs wipe my salty tears. Then, she holds me close, explanation no longer needed. I don’t know when, but I hear Yuki is crying too.
“I love you.” I repeat, like a mantra, repeating the words that I’ve kept hidden from even myself for so long. “I love you.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I loved my father. My father was my hero and saviour and my idol. I loved him with all my heart. When I was 10, I lost him. My father was taken from me, by a reckless drunk driver, leaving me with just my m=Mum and me. That pain I felt that day, when Mum told me, I would never forget. If I lost another person that I loved, I don’t know what I’d do. Perhaps, that’s why, I’m so frightened. I don’t want to let anyone else in who had the potential to leave me.”
Yuki holds my hand all the way through my tale and it reassures me.
“After my father’s death, we had to move because my mother couldn’t afford the house with just her salary. But then, when we moved to a new neighbourhood, I heard people gossip about my mum. Even though I was young I understood. They ranged from time to time. One rumour was that my mother had run away after an affair and had chosen to raise me alone in shame. Another was that my father had run away with a younger woman. Others were just spiteful words derived from stigma against single mothers. Even when they saw how hard my mum was working and how we were suffering, they just badmouthed her. From then, I just hated people who flocked around us, prying about our past and present, but never getting too close or too involved. My mother did not make any true friends. So I decided, when I grew up, I would earn money for my mother so we can move from this horrible area that just cares about gossip.”
My eyes are wet when I think about all the pain my mother had to go through because of me and it strengthens my dream, to get a good job so I can buy my Mum a brand new house in a great neighbourhood, where she doesn’t have to work anymore and she can just relax.
When I calm down, I look at Yuki and she’s crying again. I smile, wiping her tears with my thumb.
“But I guess, it’s not so bad anymore.” I joke light-heartedly.
Yuki laughs, smiling through her tears. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you for crying for me.”
She stares at me, her eyes searching me, as if to check if I am really okay. Then, Yuki pulls me in and embraces me. She strokes my hair as my head rests against her soft chest, like how I did when Yuki cried. It’s a strange feeling, my mother used to do this when I was young. It’s relaxing as I hear her heart beat against my ear in a steady rhythm. Then, I feel Yuki’s fingers run over my cheeks, down to my chin, lightly lifting my head. Her smile blinds me with happiness and she bends down and kisses my lips. It’s only been a day, but I can’t even imagine how I handled not kissing her.
Turns out, maybe I am that type of girl, maybe I’m not. Maybe I have changed since I’ve met Yuki, maybe I’ve always been the same but I’ve become more open minded. But who cares? It doesn’t need labels. It turns out; I’m just a girl, who loves another girl.
