#journalstyle

Dear Mary,

Just a note on your lingering thoughts of Jason. 

I am not sure if you have noticed, it doesn’t matter either way, but I deleted you off all my social media outlets. No blocking, I thought that would be unnecessary but the deleting you was necessary, for me.

From the beginning, you were honest with me, you told me you did not desire a serious relationship. I heard that and I thought okay, I will not let it get there. My feelings seemed to miss the memo because I fell for you, or at least the version of you I had built in my head.

I thought, maybe right now is not the time but eventually we will live that customary lifestyle, that of which many of my peers have bought into, such as marriage, children, and becoming a home owner. I know now that was wrong of me to do. I would apologize to you but in all actuality the apology would be for me.

Mary, I am sorry you fell for someone who made it clear that they were not looking to be in a relationship. I am sorry you thought you could maybe change their mind. I am sorry you had to be so filtered around that individual and act so very different from who you actually are. Most of all, I am so very sorry you felt hurt.  I cannot apologize to you enough for your broken heart and all the nights you cried yourself to sleep. I am sorry that you loved someone and that love was not reciprocated.

I am not sorry that you tried.

In fact, I am proud of you for trying. Too many people in this world act like caring for someone is uncool. You have tried your best to be one of these people, but you are not.

You laid out your feelings for someone and although, it was not explicitly said, you were rejected. I know that feeling isn’t something you feel often but it happens and will happen again and again.

You will live. You are living, the best to your ability. I know you don’t come from old money or from a well-known family name but you are trying. I am so proud of you for the simple fact that you do try. You never settle for what others may deem worthy, but only by your own standards. That is strength.

I love you. I love you for being the person your ten year old self could look up to. I know you’ve struggled. You have gone through a lifetime of struggles but you remember to smile through it all.

You are grateful. The gratitude you radiate from your heart could melt the sun. You’re aware you cannot control the many variables that life throws at you, but you can control your attitude. You are thankful for all the experiences, good or bad, that life has provided you.

My ups and downs mirror my heartbeat. Some days I feel so down I do not ever think I will get back up, and other days I feel so up that I do not think I will ever get down.

I am riding this wave as long as I can, knowing it will not last forever. My greatest desire in this world is to leave this existence with no hard feelings. Not even to those who may have intentionally or unintentionally broken me down. I refuse to leave this world with feelings of defeat, but rather a loving empathy.

I know my spirit will not give up so easily and until my last breathe my heart will keep beating and I will keep trying.  

I will keep loving, regardless of it being reciprocated or not.

.With all the love in the universe,