#journal entry 11

i might mess up everything like a un

The sweat, rolling down my face. It’s all over my body. Heaving. Out of breath.

I’m shaking, yet my hands are so warm.

It hurts to move, yet my limbs feel so light.

How can do much baggage, weigh so little?

How do we posses the strength to carry this weight every day, yet we are so weak?

The scars on my body, marred for the sake of others, I share them with the people I helped.

It’s a mark.

Of pride. Of satisfaction. Of shame. Of pain.

I carry it around like a medal- a weight around my neck that grows heavier the more I accomplish, the more I do for others, though it’s gradual.

I know, I won’t get weaker the heavier this weight gets, I’ll get stronger.

I’ll get stronger so I can do more for a longer amount of time. I want to be able to go through the pain, the burning and the aching to help people, with less recovery time needed. I want to be efficient in my sacrifice, and I will be stronger.

But right now,

God I want you to come back.

I want you to come back and tell me everything is okay.

And I want you to hold me.

I miss you so damn much.

And what the hell am I supposed to do.

I look back at the way that you held me.

That last night you were here.

And the way you kissed my head.

And the way you talked to me.

I can’t help but feel like it meant something.

It was a very stressful day. I had a lot to do, and prioritized something I didnt plan on doing today. I didnt get a lot done that I wanted to get done, but tomorrow I get some time to wrap things up, and my manager comes back Monday. I am very excited. It will be a big weight off my shoulders. Though I kind of have taken a bit of ownership of my new department, and I dont know how I feel about handing the reins over. I think I have been doing a really good job lately, and I hope someone notices...

On the other hand, I think my daddy is going to come home and I’ll still be up. So maybe I can get some cuddles, and maybe even some play time if I’m lucky. I’m hoping he wont be too overworked, and in a good mood. I’d really love some play time, I really want daddy to play with me more before he actually fucks me. I miss when he would use his hands to bring me to the edge before finally entering me. It was so much more exciting, but I love just being able to be close and intimate with my man. 

I keep thinking about it every time I get home from work, and I think about him taking me. I think I’ve been hornier lately. Maybe I’m ovulating... 

July 25, 2016

All of the lightening and all of the thunder should be the worst of the stressors occupying my skies.. but all of this chaos and the life-threatening currents don’t even make the list.

What a cruel world. When the people whom are supposed to be closest to you, knock you down more than the people against you. When you try and ask for respect and are made to be a villain for it. When your friends constantly put you down, insult you, and hurt you. You’re not allowed to stand up for yourself. You’re not allowed to say you’re hurt. The second you say you’re offended or upset by something it’s always “You’re too sensitive”. What a fucking cop out. I hate how people throw that word at me to try and victimize themselves. To make me look like the problem in the situation. You’re the one who took things too far. You’re the one who hurt me. I’m in the wrong because your words made me sad? I’m supposed to turn off my emotions? I don’t know what a real problem is because your words made me cry?

My whole existence I’ve been disliked, beat down, betrayed, hurt emotionally and physically. Taken advantage of sexually. Abused in every sense of the word by people of all walks of life. I’m a tormented soul. I tend to have thicker skin than most to be honest and not complain. That’s why I made this blog. As an outlet. But fuck it. I’m stressed out. School is stressful. Family is stressful. My person has left me stranded. The rock in my life for the past 7 years has tumbled away. I’m vulnerable. The last thing I need is my friends beating me down too.

They toss me like a stone and leave me to drown, then tell me I should know how to swim. 

It's around this time of night where it's actually before-dawn morning and I was woken up to a message warning me to stop sending letters, though there was no name to say who it's from, only that it obviously wasn't from our planet.