#josephsilva

I want to write to you and explain. I want to tell you how I feel, both right now and before, and also what I’ll probably feel tomorrow but what’s the point. What’s the fucking point. I can’t and I won’t. I’m afraid of what you’ll say and how you’ll feel.

I am not so good as to say I wish you no pain. In fact, I am for it. I want you to writhe with uncontrollable anguish. Twist and gasp for air as if your chest is being constricted. I want you to feel the most horrible hollowness in both spirit and mind. I am not above this. I do not wish any physical harm come to you, only psychological. Your mind is more capable of extreme hurt than any man. I wish for you to feel everything I am feeling, for you have sentenced me to it.

I feel as if once again, daggers have been pointed at me in all directions with no one to explain the offense I have committed. What offense am I always committing whose consequence is to pierce my heart and to watch me bleed? Surely you can explain it to me. Surely it must be something vile that you should want me to suffer so harshly. Is there no justice? It has been the right of the accused to know for which crime she has committed and to be brought forth to be judged. Then you are the one that is in violation, for I have no recollection as to why I am being imprisoned and being tortured repeatedly. It is not that I deny my offense, it is that I don’t know or see how any offense should warrant you to desire this for me.

In any case, despite me just beginning my sentence for an unknown stay, I want you to know that if you ask for forgiveness, I will immediately grant it. Not out of desire to have things as they once were, that is foolish and they will never be. But because then you will have experienced everything I am now and will. In order to come and seek forgiveness, you have acknowledged that you have wronged, you have felt your wrong doing, and you have lived it. You have burdened the extreme weight of guilt a thousand times over and have tortured your own self. You have writhed with uncontrollable anguish, and twisted and gasped for air as if your chest were being constricted. You have felt your heart fall out of your chest, your body turn numb. Felt tears free fall out of your eyes to make puddles in hands. You will have felt your vocal chords tear as you try to scream to know avail because nobody knows your pain. Nobody hears your cry as you silently mask your own self destruction.You too, will have suffered. And if you come to me, I will end it. Because there is no greater revenge than serving the sentence you have given. Because there is no greater revenge than pride being set aside and ego being deflated. Because there is no greater revenge than sincere humility and bended knee.

I hope that I'm wrong.

It's kind of funny because the most beautiful chords have become synonymous with you. Melodic lullabies bring me to tears with only your name as their lyrics. I can't cry with sadness. I've tried. I can only cry with happiness -with the thought of your smile, your face, you laughing, you next to me. That's why. I can't cry with sadness because you have made me so happy. I am so happy.