#jopperfic

Hopper wakes up to a small body snuggled up against his and he’s instantly elated. This is what he’s wanted. It’s not going to last, but he isn’t going to think about that now, just wants to enjoy the moment. He pulls her tighter against him, taking in the scent of her. He always assumed she bought men’s products since she was outnumbered in her house and her hair always smells minty.

“Morning,” she smiles up at him.

“Mornin’,” he kisses the top of her head, trailing his fingertips up and down her side.

“You want breakfast? I don’t have anything to cook, but I could run out real fast.” he makes a mental note to keep his fridge stocked from now on. Just incase.

Joyce pulls away, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed to sit up, “I can’t,” she puts Hopper’s shirt on while she gathers her clothes, “we have to cool off.”

Hopper rolls his eyes snapping the sheets back before he gets up to retrieve a fresh pair of boxers, “make up yer damn mind,” he grits. The mood in the room had suddenly shifted.

Once Joyce has her clothes gathered, she begins putting them on, “what?” her head snaps in his direction at the comment.

“You come crawlin’ to me anytime you want a good fuck and then it’s right back to that sack of shit,” he scoffs, “I told you I don’t wanna play games.”

“Lonnie is suspicious, okay? Will said something about seeing you,” she sighs when she sees him unwavering, “I don’t know what this is, but I do know that I need you in my life, Hop. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” she looks down too embarrassed to meet his eyes at the admission.

He sighs, dropping his shoulders as he takes in her small form, “come’ere,” he opens his arms and she’s sucked up into his embrace like a vacuum.

He holds her for a few minutes, “I’ll stay away...for now, but you know where to find me if you need anything.” he looks in her eyes and backs away, disappearing into the bathroom.

Lonnie is drinking at The Hideaway a few weeks later flirting with a much younger, if even legal, woman, when he spots Hopper across the bar. The men lock eyes, Hopper’s narrowing in disdain. Lonnie finishes his drink and marches over to the other side of the bar, “you been fuckin’ my wife?” the booze making him bolder than usual. Hopper chuckles, “No, have you?” he smirks, turning back around to take another drink, “Or is all your energy spent on underage girls?” he nods towards the woman Lonnie had just been all over.

“Just last night I fucked her real good and hard,” Lonnie whispers in Hopper’s ear, trying to rile the other man up.

“Your wife or an underage girl?” Hopper squeezes his beer bottle in an attempt to contain his rage at Lonnie’s comments. He knew Lonnie is trying to get him to show his cards, but he wouldn’t fold.

“That’s right, she’s my wife. She chose me all those years ago; I won. She belongs to me.” Lonnie taunts, ignoring Hopper’s quip.

“You’re right, she chose to be with you, but she could just as easily choose not to be. And I’ll be there when that happens. For whatever she needs.” Hopper winks at the smaller man attempting to end the conversation, but Lonnie isn’t gonna stop until he has the last word.  

“You stay the fuck away from my wife,” Lonnie grits before turning to storm off.

“She may be your wife, but she’s not your property.” Hopper throws back causing Lonnie to halt for a second before continuing to storm out of the bar.

“Excuse me, where are the tampons?” a young female customer approaches Joyce at the counter.

“Aisle 9,” Joyce replies mindlessly, fiddling with the price gun, when something hits her. The gun crashes down onto the counter as Joyce’s eyes widen in realization. She hadn’t gotten her period yet. And she’s late. Very late. Her body works like clockwork which could only mean one thing. Fuck.  

“Donald I’m taking my break!” she shouts at her manager in one of the nearby aisle. Not waiting for a response she bolts to aisle 9, passing the customer from before, and grabs a few pregnancy tests off the shelf not bothering to stop. Joyce locks herself in the employee bathroom thankful for privacy.

Ripping the first test open she pleads to herself for the results to be negative. She can’t financially support another child and she doesn’t even know who the father is - her husband or her lover. This could be bad. She sets the test on the sink and paces back and forth thinking up the worst possible scenarios.

After a few minutes she steps up to the test. Seeing a positive result she closes her eyes tight and takes a deep breath. Wanting to be sure she starts the process of completing another test. After another few minutes of waiting she looks down at a negative result.

This is bad.

“Shit,” she’d have to go to a doctor for a clear answer. Something she can’t do. Her gut knows that she is pregnant, but she can’t afford to go. She cleans up her mess and heads back up to the front, her mind completely lost in thought. Neither Lonnie or Hopper typically wore condoms when they were together. Lonnie didn’t like wearing them and her lust filled brain often caused her to forget or not care with Hopper. It could be either ones baby. And she has no clue when it would have been conceived.

“Donald, I’m back.” she rounds the corner, stopping dead in her tracks when she sees Hopper at the register. Just her luck.

“Great. I have to meet the delivery guy in the back.” he scurries off in the direction Joyce just came from.

“You okay? You look rather pale.” Hopper questions concerned, thwarting Joyce from her thoughts.

“Yeah I just didn’t get much sleep last night,” she steps back behind the counter, placing herself in front of Hopper.

“I was thinkin’ we could get together soon? Been awhile….I miss you.” he confesses.

“I miss you too, but I don’t think it’s a good idea…..” she reminds him.

“Maybe I can come by one night when Lonnie’s at work?” he offers knowing Lonnie works the graveyard shift.

“It’s too risky,” she warns. Lonnie had been sticking closer to home since Will’s comments and their subsequent argument.

“I understand,” Jim picks up the beer Donald had rang up earlier and starts towards the door with his head hanging a little lower than before. 

She feels bad and she does miss him.

“Lonnie’s off the next few days. Come by at midnight on Thursday. Park your car out of sight and walk up.” He smiles back at her, nodding his agreement, leaving with a bit more spring in his step.

The next few days go by in a blur. Still processing the news, she doesn’t say anything to Lonnie. She starts taking notice of her pregnancy symptoms; nausea, sore swollen breasts, and just being generally more exhausted than normal. She didn’t think much of it before, but now it makes sense.

Lonnie doesn’t notice and for once she’s thankful for his lack of caring.

Thursday night Hopper does exactly as Joyce says. He parks his car in the middle of the neighborhood and walks to Joyce’s house on the edge by the woods. He quietly makes his way up the steps and lightly taps on the door, barely making a sound. The door is opened and Hopper’s ushered in, Joyce reminding him to keep quiet with a finger over her lips.

He nods, toeing off his boots as quietly as he can manage considering his size and slight inebriation. A few Tunial washed down with a Schultz or three. His nerves didn’t help either. Joyce and him seemed to be in a good spot, but that could easily change knowing them.

Before he can say anything Joyce is kissing him harshly. Surprised he wraps his arms around her,  dragging his hands down to rest on the small of her back as he lifts her, returning the kiss with just as much intensity.

Joyce wraps her legs around his waist before breaking the kiss, “sorry I’ve been really horny lately.”  she looks at him, cheeks burning red at her admission.

“S’okay, but I didn’t come here to fuck. It’s a bonus, but not why I came. So ya know,” he holds her up by the ass. He doesn’t want to use her or to be used by her.

“I know,” she looks into his dilated eyes, the taste of beer and cigarettes on her lips, “I’d ask if you want a drink, but it seems you’re already loaded.” she moves to get down so Hopper helps her land steady on her feet.  

“I always am?” He laughs nervously rubbing the back of his neck at his attempt at a joke, “S’never bothered you before,” he sits on the couch the level making them almost the same height. 

“I’m raising two children and have a husband with substance abuse issues among others. I can’t handle more than that.”  

“What happened to you needing me in your life?”

She rolls her eyes at his overreaction, “I do, but this can’t be more than it is when you’re like this.”

“And yet you’re still with Lonnie….” he pokes her, knowing exactly where to push.

“I have two children with Lonnie and we’re married,” she thinks about her unborn baby almost raising her hand to her stomach, “it’s not that simple,” she sighs not wanting to have this argument again.  

“Joyce, can we not do this again.” he closes his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose in irritation. All their arguments somehow ended up turning into this.

“I may not have cared in the beginning, but I noticed. And now it’s an issue.” she reveals.

Hopper rubs his temples, trying to make sense of her words, “what changed?”

“You said you’d be here for me if I need anything, but how can you do that if you’re never sober?” she questions.

“I will be, don’t worry about it.” he grits his teeth in frustration. He’d never given her cause to worry.

“You try and act like you’re fine because you can manage it, but you won’t be able to forever. You’ll go too far and that’ll be when I need you the most.”

“Yer worryin’ about things that haven’t happened. Give me a chance here.”  he pleads not wanting to fight with her. They haven’t seen each other in weeks.

“I’m sorry, I just worry. Especially now,” Joyce tries to get her emotions under control. 

“Especially now?”  

Joyce’s eyes widen as she stumbles over her words trying to cover, “I mean now that Lonnie’s suspicious,” his blue eyes bore down into her wide brown ones. Something’s off, but he can’t tell exactly what so he continues on until he can figure it out.

“I won’t let anything happen to you or your boys,” he promises. “If you ever feel unsafe, please come to me.” she responds by raising herself up on tiptoes and kissing him tenderly.

They kiss for a minute, but finding the angle awkward, Hopper lifts Joyce up to wrap her legs around his waist so they’re eye level. He kisses her as he walks backwards falling into a sitting position on the couch with Joyce straddling his lap.

Keeping his hands on her hips he kisses down her to her neck. He unbuttons her blouse, his lips trailing behind. Hopper stops when he gets to her breasts, something not feeling right. He lifts his head up to get a better view and is met with Joyce’s sizable chest practically falling out of her bra. She’d always had larger tits than she should considering the size of her, but they’d grown if that was even possible. Was it? He scratches his head in wonder.

“Your boobs,” he marvels staring at them.

“What?” she looks down, “You’re acting like you’ve never seen breasts before.” she laughs, pulling him back to her.

“I know what you look like naked. I can see it when I close my eyes. Your boobs are bigger.” he declares.

“Maybe I gained a little weight, do you need to point it out?” she pulls her blouse closed around herself.

“Hey, no. It’s not like that. I’ve known you a long time so I notice when something’s different…..I like it.” he pulls apart her shirt again, diving head first into her voluptuous cleavage. She can’t help but smile. Lonnie hasn’t noticed. He never does unless it’s something he disapproves of.

The truth is on the tip of her tongue, but she can’t bring herself to say it out loud. Not yet. Instead she pulls his head up to kiss him as deeply as she can and moves as close to him as she can. With one hand on her neck pulling her into the kiss, he puts the other on the small of her back, pushing her center as close as he can get before they both start grinding.  

“We do a lot better when we aren’t talking,” he laughs.

“Then shut up and keep kissing me,” she pulls him back to her.

Joyce awakens to the sound of keys shaking the lock on the front door. Sitting up she quickly takes in her surroundings - she’s naked, in her bed, with Hopper right next to her. Looking at the alarm clock she sees it’s 6am It’s 6am - her husband is home from his night shift. Shit.

“Hopper!” she shakes him awake, “Lonnie’s home. You gotta go.” she gets out of bed, quickly slipping on a night gown.

“Fuck,” he gets up and gets dressed as fast as his tired muscles will allow.

“You go out through the back. I’ll keep him distracted in the living room.” she stares at him a few seconds fear flashing across her features before she’s off.

Lonnie stumbles through the door just as Joyce turns the corner into the living room. He jumps surprised to see her, “Fuck you scared me.”

“I was using the restroom and heard you struggling with the door.” It had been sticking lately. Lucky for her. Hopper waits just inside their bedroom, listening for when it’s safe to move.

“I’m going to bed, I’m exhausted.” he starts walking, but she stops him with her hands on his chest.

“Maybe we can have a little fun first….” she pulls him by the belt over to the couch, pushing him down to sit, “while the boys are still sleeping.”

“Babe, I’m really tired.” he tries to stand up, but Joyce straddles his lap effectively locking him in place.

Hopper moves out of the room and down the hall slightly, stopping to listen.

Joyce moves Lonnie’s hand to feel her bare center. “No panties?” he starts rubbing her clit, instantly turned on.

“Slept without them,” she smirks to herself thinking of the illicit acts she had committed well into the night. She undoes his pants, pulling his cock out. Spitting on her hand she starts stroking him up and down.

He could leave. He should leave. Hopper tries to move, but his brain short circuits. His mind won’t connect with his muscles and he’s frozen listening to something he absolutely doesn't want to be listening to.

“I want to fuck you,” Lonnie’s request snaps Hopper out of his trance. Hearing the rustling of clothing he slowly moves forward, taking a breath before he looks around the corner. He’s met with the sight of Lonnie’s pants around his ankles, Joyce in his lap, with the fucker sliding his nasty cock inside her.

“That’s it, baby.” Joyce moans wrapping her arms around Lonnie’s neck she turns to the side, catching sight of Hopper. He looks like a kid who was just told Santa’s not real. She thought he would have slipped out by now. Another problem.

“Go,” she mouths to him sternly.

So he does.

Joyce leaves work a little early so she can stop by Hopper’s. Hoping that he’s home she knocks on the door insistently.

“Hey,” he leans against the door. He doesn’t look like he got an ounce of sleep and his eyes are puffy. She’s expecting to be met with anger or fury, but not this.

“I wanted to talk about earlier, what you saw…..”

“What? It was just a little fun.” he uses her words to Lonnie against her.  

“You were just supposed to leave, not spy.” she argues.

“I had to in order to leave.” he spits back.

“You didn’t have to look,” she argues.

“No I didn’t. But what I saw just put into reality what you’ve been saying all this time - he’s your husband. And he should be the only one you’re having sex with. You obviously enjoy it.” he remembers the sounds of her moans following him out of the house.

“It was a distraction, Hopper. And it would have looked strange if I just decided to stop.”  

“Well you jumped on his cock pretty quickly,” he crosses his arms like a surly teenager would.

“Are we really going to argue about this?” he eyes widen in wonder.

Hopper doesn’t budge.

“Y’know….” Joyce covers her mouth mid thought when a wave of sickness crashes over her.

Hopper instantly straightens up, “What? Are you okay?” She pushes past him into the house running straight for the bathroom. Throwing up the contents of her lunch she takes a few minutes to pull herself together before facing Hopper.

When she comes out of the bathroom she’s taken aback by Hopper sitting in the armchair, staring right at her with a hard expression covering his face.

“Is it mine?”

Ever since he was younger Hopper had always been good at putting together clues and solving puzzles. It was no different with people. Those he knew best were especially easy-to-read. And he’d known Joyce for the majority of his life. Hell sometimes he felt he knew her better than himself.

“What?”

“I couldn’t put it together before but now it makes sense. You’ve always been able to eat whatever you want and never gained a lick of weight, but it’s not typical weight gain. Your strange mood swings and now you’re getting sick. So you’re either pregnant or something else is wrong.” he takes a long drag of his cigarette, one foot propped atop his knee.

“How...Lonnie hasn’t even noticed and we’ve barely seen each other the past few weeks”

“So it’s true. Is it mine?” he repeats the question needing to know.

“I don’t...I don’t know.”

“Of course not.” he shakes his head sighing.

She takes a deep breath, “It has to be Lonnie’s….regardless of the truth.”  

Hopper shoots to his feet, “I don’t want that maniac raising my kid!”

“Please calm down...I just don’t know what he would do. I’m scared, Hop.” she confesses. Scared for herself and scared for her children - both living and unborn.

“I told you I would protect you...both of you.” he walks to her and pulls her close, “All of you.”

“Even if none of them are your children….why?”

‘I can’t promise you that you’ll be fine. I wish I could, I wish I could go instead of you’ she remembers sliding her hands down his shoulders to rest on his chest. ‘But babe, I’m gonna be here waiting. I don’t care  how long you’ll be gone, I’m here, and lord knows that I’m not going anywhere. So you come back in one piece, and we’ll go. We’ll see the world, and have lots of babies and live in a white house on the corner of a small town near a big city and we’ll have each other. You hold on to that. You hear me Hop? I love you James, and I need you to come back in one piece.’ She willed herself to be strong, to show him that she’ll be alright without him, he needed this and she couldn’t stop him. But how she wanted to, how she wanted to grab his arms and beg him not to go, to stay with her where she knew that he’d be safe and sound, and nothing could hurt him.

He looked her, really looked at her and shook his head. He kissed her with everything that he had, every promise he’d ever made and every promise he’d ever broken lived in that kiss. His whole heart was in that kiss, and it stayed there. His heart stayed in between her lips, in her very soul and her being, he needed her to have it. To know that it was hers, that he was completely hers, the good, the bad and the ugly. He loved her so much and he needed her to know that, because if something happened to him, he needed her to know that she was his last thought, she was in his last breath. She cried then, with reckless abandon, her tears too much for him to bear, so he kissed her forehead and walked away. She called out to him and he turned, her brown eyes shining with a promise full of love and complete adoration, he lifted his arm and let out a half hearted wave and lopsided smile and walked off. It was only then that he let the tears he’d been holding in fall out in the masses, one after the other, drowning him in his loss.

1967

His eyes remind her of all the times they fucked up, all the times they spent fighting and leaving each other. All that lost time that they should've spent loving each other with everything that they had. She recalls the moment it went wrong, when she lost him. She walked into his room and closed the door behind her, her bottle green dress and his suit jacket a reminder of the wedding that they should be attending. He was sat at the edge of his bed and was holding his head in his hands , his feet firmly planted to the ground. His hair dripped with water and his shirt was half untucked , his tie askew and his dress pants tucked into one of his socks. She leant up against the door and held onto it.

'I'm sorry' she whispered, surprising herself and him at the words that suddenly came out of her mouth. 'I'm so sorry. I'm---'

He cut her off with a question that broke her heart. His voice was scratchy as if he hadn't spoken for weeks, and it broke as he spoke the words that had been on his mind for the past two weeks. The pain and heartbreak he felt all poured into the one question. His face remained looking at the ground as he spoke. 'Babe, where did you go?'

She broke out into tears and his front broke. He looked up at her, a storm of unshed tears in his eyes. His cheekbones had become more prominent over the month and his face had become skinnier, he had become skinnier. She walked over to him purposefully and bent down in front of him. 'I'm sorry. I was wrong, I shouldn't have left, I don't know why I did, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I didn't mean anything by it. I was upset and I wanted to go. I’m scared to lose you, I was scared that if I made you my home, you’d leave and I don’t know what I’d do if that happened. I needed to get away, I needed to be home, away from you, and this, and us, for me to realise that I don’t want anyone other than you. It’s us, it’s always been us, even when you were gone Hop, it was us.’

His face broke as he heard her words 'Is this not your home anymore? Am I not your home anymore? I’m not gonna leave you again, Joyce. Stop trying to push me away, please just stop.’ She kicked herself as she looked at the broken man in front of her. She'd broken him and she hadn't even bothered to check on him. She wrapped her hands around his face, one reaching behind his ear into his hair, the other one keeping his eyes on her.

'You will always be my home. I realised that when I left. I wasn't thinking and I'm sorry.' She looked at him, really looked at him and knew that she had to tell him, and she knew that it would break him. It would break them, what they were and she wasn’t okay with that but she couldn’t lie to him. Not now, not ever. ‘Hop, I need to tell you something, and before I do, I just need you to know that you’re the only man I’ll ever love, the only man I’ve ever loved.’ He cocked his head to the side in confusion before he realises what she’s about to tell him, and she first hand witnesses the dimming of the lights in James Hopper and it kills her. He looks at her with a detachment she’d never experienced from him before, and her heart shrinks in her chest, knowing that everything had changed and it was all her fault.

‘I slept with Lonnie. You went away, and I didn’t know if you were ever going to come back and he was there and I was drunk and so was he and I…’ she ran her hands through her hair and carried on ‘I’m not asking you to forgive me Hop, but I needed you to know this. It was eating me up, and I can’t breathe, I love you so much and I know I fucked up but I love you and if that’s enough, then I promise you I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.’

He looked at her for a moment, a charged silence ran between them as both them knew that this was the end, yet neither wanted to voice it. He softened under her touch before removing her hands off him gently and standing up.

‘I need you to go.’ His voice sounded completely calm and detached yet inside he was screaming, how could she do this? They were supposed to be together forever, such a naive concept looking at it now. Forever. Did people ever really get their forever, or was it just something that the movies and songs sold to us to make us somewhat content with our mundane existences in this shitty world. She turned to him, her arms rejected at her sides, a vision in green, surrounded by an air of blue deep sadness. She wanted to put up a fight, she wanted to shout at him and beg him to see it from her point of view, but she knew it was useless. There was no use, they were over and it was her fault.

‘James, please.’

‘Joyce, I’m begging you here, please go. I can’t, I need time. I just need you to GO’ his voice raised before he realised it was happening and he faltered for a second at the pure intensity of betrayal that laced through his voice like a intricate vine, spreading and poisoning them. She nodded dejectedly and left his dad’s trailer, not before turning to look at him one more time. The picture of him, his head hung low, with his hair falling in his face, covering the tear tracks running down his smooth cheek, is etched into her memory forever.

Joyce waited outside his house that night, banging on his window, before sliding down the side of his house. She called for him a couple times, knowing that he was in his room, listening to her crying and telling him how much she loved him. She didn’t blame him, she fucked up and this one was on her completely, but she’d never hurt like this. A deep ache settled in her bones, and made itself a permanent resident within her, and she couldn’t shake it. She ended up falling asleep against his wall, only waking in the morning from the shouts of the paper route boy asking her if she was okay. She let out a small smile and shrugged, walking off in the direction of her house. The last she heard from James Hopper was that he was offered a big cop job in the city, and he took it.

She was informed by a neighbour in passing a few years later, that he’d settled down in New York, that he’d found himself a wife and they were expecting a child together. She remembers the feeling, the crushing disappointment, the extinguishing of the last burning ember that she held for him in her heart. She was happy for him, kind of, he’d gotten out of this dead end town, he’d made something of himself like he’d always wanted, but it stung that he’d done all of that without her. That she no longer factored in his plans, he probably never thought of her. He never said goodbye, he just left, and she waited for weeks, hoping, praying that he’d turn up but he never did. That’s when she found out about the job, and his acceptance, and as a result, she accepted Lonnie Byers marriage proposal with a broken heart and a taped together smile.

1979

She pulled him into her house which was a complete mess, that’s what having two boys does to a house. She fumbled with the jacket on her back before turning to him and raising an eyebrow. She’d seen him in the bar just near the corner of town and everything she’d ever felt for him, came back to the surface. The shock of seeing him wore off after realising that he was not the same Hopper she’d known when they were young. This Hopper was jaded, all jagged edges, and sharp looks, and an air of isolation hung around him. She didn’t know this Hopper, and she felt the need to give him something, breathe some life back in to him because this was not him. She managed to convince him to come back to her place, drunk off his presence.

‘What do you say Hop? A little late night rendezvous for old times sake? Make it quick before the boys get back home from Lonnie’s.’ She didn’t know what brought out this confidence in her, the need to have him right there had been building up for years, buried under mounds of regret and hurt and denial but she’s always felt it.

'You'd know all about quickies now, wouldn't you Joy?' He said under his breath, walking away, into the corridor. His buried hurt resurfacing, he was always an open book when he was around her, he couldn’t hide how he felt, his filter was lost when he looked at him with her big eyes that once looked at him like he was at the core of her universe. Now they were burning with something, something other than desire.

'Excuse me? What do you mean by that? Come back here, don't walk away. ' she walked into the hallway and pulled him back into the room. She slammed the door behind them as he fell into a chair and spun around to face him. Her anger at him palpable in the air as their silly game begins to play out again. His constant yin to her yang, and not in the peaceful way. The way that only he knows how to do, the way to rile her up, and drive her up the wall.

'What. Do. You. Want?' She poked him 'tell me what you want and I'll do it.'

'I WANT--' he let out a deep breath and groaned 'I want YOU to not lie to me. I want you to WANT to be with me Joyce' he looked pointedly at her as if to accuse her of all the crimes in the world. Her resolve broke as she pulled on her hair. ‘What the hell does he mean by that?’ She asks her. This never ending tug and war that played such a big part in their relationship, the tug and war that often ended up driving them off the road. She saw it in high school, she saw it when he came back from Vietnam and now that he’s returned back to Hawkins after the loss of his family. Little did he know, she only wanted him, no matter who she was with, it was always him. His stubborn ways, and his angry looks, and his jealousy and overbearing height, it was always him and she hated it.

‘Hop’ she laughed, a laugh that was not in response to anything funny, a cold chilling laugh that sung of hurt. ‘I don’t know what to say. Are we really gonna dredge up skeletons from the past. Is that what we’re gonna do now? Lonnie was a big part of my life and he always will be but we became something in a retaliation to our mess. Our mess that is still, all these years later, a MESS. I never loved him, I just knew that I could, if I tried over time, but I’m not gonna explain that to you. It’s none of your business.’

‘I apologised, hell I stood outside your window back then for the whole night apologising until it became apparent that you clearly weren’t bothered.’ She slammed her hands on the table ‘I’M ALL OUT. I don't have anything left, this is me. I'm the worlds worst person, isn't that right? I’m sorry I’m not perfect, I fuck up all the time. All these years of shit  will do that to you, you idiot. But you left me! You went to war, and then you came back and acted like everything was all fun and games and then you fucked off again. Off to start a perfect life in the city with your perfect job and your perfect suburban wife. And you never even said goodbye.’

‘I didn’t doom us Hopper, that was all you. You are the one that left me with no one, and your sorry’s will never change that. You were all I had in this shithole, I planned my fucking life around you and then you left. It is all on you. You left ME, and I needed you’ her voice begins to crack and her anger fades to give way to the sadness that she’s carried with her all her life ‘I needed you so much Hopper and you left and you just didn’t come back. I can’t take you leaving again, I won’t make it this time and I need to make it, for my boys, I need to make it. I need to make it for me. But if you go this time Jim, that’s it.’  

She sat down, grasping at her hair.

‘I can’t do this with you. If this isn’t what you want, then go. Please just—go.’ She looked up at him with her big brown eyes, pleading with him to stay, contradicting her words with her entire physical being. He looked down at her, their height difference exaggerated tenfold, and pulled his hat off in frustration. His heart broke with everything in him, he shouldn’t have left her. He should’ve stayed and loved her and let her know that she was everything in this shitty world. Her flyaway hair, and her eyes, and her clumsy thrown together style and her drawl on certain words. She’s his world and he left her and he shoulders that every day.

‘I’m sorry.’ He bent his head down and pinched his nose. His stubbornness and pride stopping what he needed to say. He picked his hat up and walked out the door and he knew that he’d single handedly made the biggest mistake of his life. He cursed himself, his ego, his pride, his inability to move past one small act of desperation and despair. He knew that he needed her but life was shitty and he was shitty and he’d probably fuck it up somewhere down the road anyway, so he might as well save them the pain.

1983

‘I’m sorry about what I did and how I left you. I’m a shitshow and you know that. You know that, and you still took me on.’ He plucked a cigarette from his pocket and placed it in his mouth, not lighting it, but its presence grounds him and reminds him that this woman is his only shot at happiness. ‘I don’t doubt that you love me, I know you love me, even if you don’t want to or you don’t want to acknowledge it. After Sarah—‘ he paused and took a breath ‘I was a mess. I needed someone to hate, and I didn’t have Diane to hate anymore, I hated the world Joy. I hated everything but most of all I hated you.’

Her face blanches at the bluntness of his admission but he carries on, fighting the urge to turn around and run for the hills ‘I hated that you reminded me of all the times when I could’ve been something. You reminded me of what being happy truly felt like, not the fake happy that you force upon yourself to give your life some kind of meaning. Happiness with you was never forced, you were it for me Joyce. I hated that you reminded me that that was possible. Every time I saw your face, I wanted that happiness again, and I couldn’t let myself feel that Joy. I was too scared to feel anything, because if I was to lose you on top of everything, I wouldn’t have made it out alive. When I found out you had married Lonnie, I didn’t think I’d ever be okay. That was supposed to be us, a big white house, with lots of kids and a dog, and he had everything that I was supposed to have.’

‘I’d never hurt like that Joy, I felt like someone had ripped me in half, and then I lost Sarah, and then I lost Diane, and I just couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t and you were there and you reminded me of everything, I needed to make someone hurt like I’d been hurt. I needed you to know what it felt like when you picked him over me. And I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’ Hopper covered his face with his hands and Joyce cursed at herself, and at them and their horrible timing. Just two weeks ago, she’d started seeing a man called Bob Newby, otherwise known to Hopper as ‘Bob the Brain’ and she wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. Her and Hopper had been doing this dance since they were sixteen and they could never catch a break and now he was stood in front of her, opening up to her about his deepest thoughts which she knew it took a lot of him to do.

‘Jim, I can’t. I——I can’t now. I have my…I have my Bob, and my mess and I can’t.’ she turned away and got in her car. She saw him in her mirrors as she drove off, hating herself with every mile that passes. It felt like one of them was always leaving, leaving the other in a mess of hurt and loneliness and she wishes that she could stop the cycle of it. But she can’t.

1985

She realises that she spaced out, and she’s brought back to a reality. A somewhat twenty years later, four children amongst the two of them, one child lost to the blackhole, one child lost and found to the cruel hands of an evil man, and one child fighting hell and back every night that he goes to sleep. But here they are, alive and well as they could be and she breathes a sigh of relief. He’s okay, he’s here, and he’s smiling at her like she hung the stars and moon and his eyes are twinkling and her heart feels like its gonna burst out of her chest and run to him. She lets out a small smile back at him and he runs a hand through his thinning hair, and she feels like laughing in joy, feeling truly happy for the first time since her few moments of euphoria with Bob.

'I think that we should get back together' she blurted out, her eyes wide, her face flushed with first hand embarrassment of her admission. He looked at her, really looked at her, more than he'd looked at her since the break up. His unawareness and her admission caught him off guard, he knew that he still loved her but he didn't know that she felt it back.

‘Wait--what?' His response embodied his confusion at the situation . She grinned at him and laughed. She really laughed, happier than she thought she'd ever be. She knew him and she knew what his response meant. He opened his mouth to speak as she did. They began speaking over each other.

'No come on--' 'What do you mean come on' 'Emotions are running high and —'

‘James, can you just shut up for one minute and let me talk.' She looked at him, in the way she did that had that effect on him. The way where he's drop everything to hear what she had to say. He stopped short at the use of his official name, she hadn’t called him James since they were kids, stupid kids with the whole world at their finger tips. A difference from the adults that stood in the place of those wide-eyed teenagers, adults who had shouldered pain and misery that would stay with them for their whole lives. But they were adults that made their way back from all of that hurt and despair, to these simple moments of standing on the porch with their children safe and sound inside playing like the kids they were once. And such moments were appreciated greatly.

'Look, we are not the most clean cut, well put together, perfectly happy couple but we are us. We are us, we're ridiculously imperfect and messy, but come on, can we just give this up' she gestured between them 'can we really just let all this, all of our past, go, I know I can't and I'm stood here looking like a fool, hoping that you can't. If you can, this will be really awkward and I'll feel really embarrassed and stupid and I'm rambling and I'm gonna stop now.’ She tugged at the loose strand of hair that had escaped her messy bun, and blushed bright red.

She’d said too much and she didn’t know why, but he kept looking at her. Like really looking at her, and he hadn’t looked at her like that for nearly twenty years, and she realised that he was the only person she needed, not Bob, and definitely not Lonnie. It had always been Hopper, it had always been him, he was the only man who had ever truly seen her for her and loved her despite that. She took a deep breath and raised her eyes at him, expecting a smart reply, but he just stood there, jaw slack, eyes wide open and his hand in his hair. 'You can talk now' she looked at him, prompting a response 'you can really talk now’

He took two steps towards her and closed the gap. His hands grazed her face and her eyes slipped shut at the brief contact. 'Woman, shut up and let me kiss you.’