#jongtae fluff

“I just missed you so much and you were amazing out there. I’m so proud of you,” he explained, his voice slightly faint and nasal from crying too much.

I looked into his puffy eyes and smiled goofily for seeing his face again after one long year.

“Okay, I have to save some tears for my family,” he joked, sniffling.

Jonghyun Hyung and I had been texting back and forth during his year of service. Almost every night, he would call me on video chat before he had to turn in his phone. 

Around four months ago, it was a normal day for the both of us. However, he was acting strangely. He seemed extra jumpy and he talked so fast that I could barely understand what he was saying. 

“What is wrong with you today?” I asked. He always told me whenever something was bothering him, but apparently, not this time.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re acting weird.”

He paused for a while there. He aimed the camera away from his face for me to see only his shoulder. 

“Hyung?” I called for him but he didn’t respond right away. We stayed like this for a whole five minutes, just me getting dizzy from watching my screen going round and round.

“Taemin, there’s something that I’ve been putting off telling you,” he started once the camera stopped spinning and I can see his face again. “You know how we’ve been spending time like this lately, and I must tell you, I’ve been very happy. Like, really very happy. I’ve been thinking about this a lot,” his voice sounded breathy.

I just continued to listen to him, quite confused, waiting for further information. 

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot and...” he repeated, seeming fidgety. “I like you, Taemin.”

There was long silence. I had no idea what to say.

Next thing I know is that he said “Okay, good night!” and hung up. But he followed it by a text message saying, It’s okay, you don’t have to give an answer right now. Just tell me whenever you’re ready. Sleep well.~

We didn’t talk for a while after that, but we still texted. I began preparing for my comeback, weeks of practicing vocals and choreographies, plus video shootings. I became so busy that I almost didn’t think about what he told me. 

After over two months of nonstop working, I finally caught days of break. I got to relax, thought about everything. My feelings for Jonghyun Hyung were always there but I guess I never really thought of it deeply since I didn’t think it was a big deal. When I heard it directly from him, although shocked and a little confused, I felt so happy as if my heart wanted to jump out of my body and run to him.

Talking to him by the end of every day is the moment I always looked forward to. I got unreasonably worried when I hadn’t heard from him all day. I was disappointed some nights that he’s too exhausted to talk and he had to go to bed early. 

I had to tell him, too, how I felt so I decided to finally call him.

I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he left to serve the military simply as Jonghyun Hyung and came back as my Jonghyun Hyung. It’s insane to think about. I don’t think I felt this blissful in my life. Talk about timing. I feel like running and jumping and screaming!

As I’m just sitting on my couch, still waiting for him to arrive, I feel restless, fidgeting my knees. My heart drops when I hear a knock on the door.

A gorgeous man appears before me holding a bouquet of flowers. “Congratulations, Taemin!” Jonghyun Hyung greets me with a sing-song voice. 

I giggle at his cuteness of a smile. I gesture him to step inside as I took the bouquet from his hands. “Thank you, Hyung!” I say, trying not to sound too happy while I hug him.

After I offer him something to drink, we settle down on my couch. I inform him of my promotion process since he asked how I was doing first. Then I just watch him tell me all about his experience in the military. Eventually, his laugh is the only sound I’m hearing, and his smile is the only thing I’m seeing. It’s the most beautiful thing.

We talk for hours. Time passes by so quickly tonight that we lost track.

“By the way, where is your uniform?” I ask him.

“At home, why? Did you like how it looked on me?” he says, reading my mind.

I laugh. I’m too shy to admit that he did look hot in that military uniform. “Yeah, I think you looked taller in that,” I tease him instead.

“Hey!” he shouts, then punches me on my arm playfully.

I change the topic after we finish laughing. “It’s getting late, do you want me to drive you home?”

“Well...” He pauses for a moment, probably thinking how he should put what he’s about to say. “I was hoping I could stay here?”

“Huh?” Just like that I feel uneasy again. “Here?” My eyes eventually widen at him even when I don’t mean to. I don’t remember the last time I blinked.

“Forget it.” He’s laughing but I can hear the frustration in his voice. “I’ll just go.” He stands up from the couch and is about to head to the front door.

“Hyung!” I didn’t mean to yell. “I want you to stay,” I say gutlessly. He turns around to face me again.

“Why?” He reveals his frown this time.

“Day after tomorrow,” I try, but stuttering. “I will be busy again for the rest of the week so I might not be able to see you again for a while. So…”

“Taemin, obviously, you’re still not comfortable with this. It’s okay. I understand that this will take time. I’m still adjusting myself.” It’s true what he just said but I do want him to stay. I want…

Him. 

My mind is out of control as my built-up desires take over. I run to him and clash my lips against his, drawing him even closer to me by his hips. I pull away after a moment. “But if you really want to go—”

He hushes me by clashing our lips together again even before I can catch my breath, this time it’s more tender but lustful. 

His hands are now grasping my face and mine are starting to slide down at the top of his butt cheeks. Our bodies are colliding naturally, making me feel his hard-on against mine as our tongues taste each other.

He pulls away after a few minutes, already breathless. He looks in my eyes fiercely, biting his own lip. “I’m going to wash up,” he says, without changing his expression. He then goes running to my bathroom and slamming the door shut.

I’m finally able to breathe and just realizing that my heart is beating harder and faster. I can’t help but giggle at myself and fall back to the couch while I feel my face burning with my palms where he just touched me. “Hyung, what are you doing to me?”

. . .

I slowly open my eyes awake, feeling Hyung’s warm embrace wrapped around me from behind. I can also feel his breath against my ear. My heart is already full even when my day literally has just started. This has been the best sleep I’ve had in as long as I can remember.

“Taemin,” I hear him moan. He must’ve felt me waking up. 

I carefully roll my whole body around to face him, then watch his precious skin shine along the morning light.

“How did you sleep?” he asks, his voice raspy.

“Perfect,” I say, smiling widely already. 

I get out of bed to go to the toilet and let him linger on my bare ass.  

I hear him sigh and chuckle, making me smile even wider.

I went back to the bedroom with a question in mind. “Hyung,” I call for him, rejoining him in bed. I hesitate.

“What is it?” He stares at me waiting to hear something else.

I look down for a second to think. “When did you start liking me?”

“Well,” he starts immediately, not breaking eye contact which makes my cheeks feel hot. “I asked myself that question a lot, too, way before I confessed to you. Of course it was confusing at first but it was no use fighting it. I have no idea when I started to like you, just like how no one knows when exactly the weather turns from spring to summer or from summer to fall. Eventually, I just started feeling differently towards you. A feeling that is hard to explain through words.”

I just nod lightly, looking down at his bare muscled chest. Once again, not knowing how to respond. He pretty much spelled out my answer to that question too.

He scoots closer to me and touches my nose with his, his forehead on mine. “I’m just lucky enough that you like me too,” he says, tears shape up in his eyes.

“Oh, Hyung,” I empathize, putting my arm around him. “I can’t wait to tell the guys.”

“Really? You want to tell them right away?”

“Yes, they’re our best friends. I’m sure they’ll be happy for us.”

“Okay, let’s tell them together then.”

            Debris crumbled under Jonghyun’s feet as he stepped backwards to gaze fully at the graffitied face of a woman. Her eyes seemed to follow him around the room, the corner of her blue lips mid curl to an amused grin. He wondered how many people stood where he was, tense and bracing for the ceiling to collapse over him if only to catch a glimpse of a rare smile.

“You’ll love it, I promise,” Taemin said a few nights prior with the smile. Impossibly new. Jonghyun thought he had them all memorized by now. How could he say no?

“Jonghyun!” Taemin’s voice broke him from his reverie, echoing from a jagged opening that could’ve once been a doorway.

            He glared at the blue lady a final time before hurrying to the sound of Taemin’s voice, trying not to think about sirens. He was floored by the mere sight of him, leaning back against the stair railing, bathed in immaculate silver down the bridge of his nose, his cheekbones, the rise of his collarbones.

            The ceiling had caved in above them, big enough that, if he craned his head just right, he could see the full moon. They were too close to the city for stars but the same moon he could’ve seen from his bedroom window held an impossible brilliance framed by the crumbling concrete. It demanded attention, despite how difficult it was to pry his eyes from the visage of the boy gliding up the stairs, gait always on the precipice of falling over, eager to see more.

            It was a lofted area in view of the rest of the warehouse. Taemin padded carelessly past empty crates and tall shelves, all under a thick layer of dust. The meager moonlight shone through thin patches of ceiling and cracked glass windows. He yelled gleefully, a simple shout of joy echoing faintly from where he sat on a shelf.

            Jonghyun could have stayed there forever, looking at the blue lady, inspecting all the graffiti, staring at the moon above the stairs in the company of the boy with the pied piper laugh. He wanted to keep that magic, memorizing his favorite parts when he realized photos didn’t do them justice. The moon a mere speck, the blue lady lost her mischievous spark.

            The spell of the night was broken only when Taemin touched a wooden crate, yelping in pain. Jonghyun had him hold a flashlight over his hand in the car to take the splinters out. He stayed over that night, too tired to drive, eating ramen heavy lidded and giddy as they recounted the sights they saw.

“We have to do that again,” Taemin’s voice was quiet, eyelids heavy but his gaze was fixed on Jonghyun. He couldn’t say no.

            The next excursion was to an unfinished power plant. He bought gloves for Taemin this time and he watched his scrawny frame shiver in the cold dawn as he hoisted himself up a wall, walked―one foot in front of another―along the thin surface the wall allowed and he sat to take the structure in. Jonghyun followed with much difficulty, wondering how Taemin managed to make it look effortless. There was barely room for muscle under his too loose shirt. He seemed to be driven by an innate energy, already lowering himself as Jonghyun took in the sight.

            The buildings wept. Copper teartracks ran down its sides from the loose net of rusty metal scaffolding that seemed to hold it together. The vines acting like twine, creeping up the structures, up the unraveling spokes of metal, coiling tighter the higher they went in an attempt to reach the sun.

            Taemin ran full speed and it was all Jonghyun could do to follow, their footsteps echoing when they reached a tower the shape of the mouth of an Erlenmeyer flask. Graffiti surrounded them, not quite to the level of the blue lady. Initials within hearts. He wondered how long these names had been here. How many made it past their days of trespassing and benign vandalism? He nearly forgot Taemin was still there until he started singing, his voice bouncing off the concrete until Jonghyun felt surrounded by him. His own song in Taemin’s breathy voice. A feast for the ears that he never thought he would hear. He listened, memorizing all the ways his voice lilted with the melody, the way his own words formed a smile on his pretty lips as he sang. It meant so little to him, a simple tune as he inspected the graffiti but Jonghyun wished he could live within the seconds of that single moment.

            They walked along its hallways, stopping to properly appreciate waterfall vines down open edifices. The air seemed fresher here somehow, less than an hour outside the city. Had he been alone, he would’ve sat in the Erlenmeyer tower, in the seemingly haphazard open air tunnels, staring at the morning sun shining through waterfall vines to fully appreciate them. Except he couldn’t help himself. He strode on, following the echo of Taemin’s laughter. The brand new smile, the way he was so giddy he could dance but he waited until he was on solid ground to twirl, hopping from one foot to the other from cold and exhilaration. It was all he could do to throw him his sweater.

            The walls curved labyrinthlike and they found themselves in another room filled with their echoing footsteps. Machinery covered one full side and he gazed at its large cogs, wondering how they looked when they whirred and what they did. In a few years’ time this would inevitably be torn down, the machine doomed to stillness would be gone for good, left in the memories of LJK and KKB, whoever they were who spray painted their initials in white dripping down one flat side.

            In time Taemin would bring someone else through these magical places, kissing in dark corners the way Jonghyun wanted to, hands tangled in the faceless man’s hair. His feelings as doomed to stillness by his all-encompassing fear of baring his soul, because Taemin could own his entirety in a heartbeat. The right smile, the right words and he could have him.

            Footsteps disturbed the quiet and they ran, fleeing as fast as they could, their breathless laughter ringing through rooms as they passed, still running even when the footsteps faded away. They only stopped when they reached his car, their stomachs aching. Breathless.

           The adrenaline made Jonghyun’s heart rattle against his chest, hands shaking as he pulled his door open. He nearly fell over in his rush to board his car, forehead bumping against Taemin’s broad chest and the rush seemed to pause. He caught his gaze, crescent circles, cheeks puffed out in the enormity of his smile. A few inches and he could feel the plush of his lips against his own. The younger man seemed oblivious of this, too delighted by the close call to notice his affections. Jonghyun pulled away a second too late. His apprehension so palpable he felt he could drown in it.

Jonghyun started driving. A heavy silence weighed over them, a question hovered unspoken. Taemin broke first, reaching over to fiddle with Jonghyun’s phone. Music blasted through the speakers. One he recognized from Taemin singing it and he loved that he heard it from his voice first. The song quickly flowed into one he recognized from one of his playlists, Taemin still looking at his phone. He didn’t mind. It was in this smallest moment that he realized he had given himself away without meaning to. His restraint and caution were in vain. The small affection he held was something more.

           Their next trip was during the daytime. A small amusement park a couple hours away. Asphalt hot under his shoes. The heat washed over the park in a blurry haze. Jonghyun hung back as Taemin ran to the rollercoaster tracks. The younger man climbed a few feet up to the train, not minding the rust that ate through the seatbelt. Its faded red paint looked like dying embers. Taemin sat on one of the seats and stared at something in the distance before excitedly making his way back down.

“This is what we came here for!” he took Jonghyun’s wrist.

           He let himself be led through empty food stalls, past thick overgrown bushes to a moving Ferris wheel. The wind whipped as it groaned along, rusty hinges squealing as if it were reluctant to keep spinning. Taemin unlatched one car door with no hesitation, laughing when Jonghyun pulled him away just in time to keep him away from the door swinging on its hinges. It made its way back up, door slamming loudly against the car. Its hinges protested but it continued on.

           Jonghyun couldn’t look away. All too aware of the awed man he still held within his grasp. He felt the prickle of his gaze on him. This had to be the last time he went with him to these places. He couldn’t keep doing this to himself. He watched as the car approached them again. Taemin broke free from his hold and boarded with a running start.

           “Come on!” he yelled, holding his arm out. The car rode round again, his torso angled toward him as the car rose higher. His lips moved but his words were lost to the wind. Jonghyun gestured wildly for him to get inside. Taemin was laughing again and Jonghyun knew the twinkle in his eyes were there. He wished he could see it.

           Jonghyun watched helplessly as the car rounded back toward him. Taemin cheered him on and he moved without thinking. He managed to jump on with shaky knees, car swinging. It was all he could do to balance himself on one side. The ferris wheel could stop moving at any moment. And how much rust did he see around its spokes? His fear was immediately silenced when Taemin took his hand in his, inspecting the chipped paint on his palm from when he gripped the doorway. Showing his own small hands to remark on how much they looked the same.

“We should get a coffee sometime,” he blurted out, heart pounding so loud he was sure the other man could hear it.

           Taemin frowned, brows scrunched together in thought. Jonghyun would be afraid if he didn’t recognize the same spark of mischief in his eyes. He waited, nervous still, for his response. His mind wandered to what he would wear, what they could talk about, the one café he liked. There would be room for these excursions later. This wasn’t the real world. It was a fantasy.

“Tomorrow?” he finally asked. His made it look easy.

“I’ll pick you up at 8.”

“It’s a date.”