#jolexau

ONE SHOTS

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Photographs

where you get three photographs of your soulmate on your sixteenth birthday. soulmate au. 

Spin the Bottle

who knew what a cliche high school movie game could lead to?  

part one

part two

A New Life

running, she’d done it all her life. but this time, she knew that it was the right thing, the only thing she could do. (pre season 9)

moving on, letting go

three years after alex leaves seattle, he finds himself back there, with his ex-wife as the one to deliver him and jo’s child. (season 9 au)

NOT CANON COMPLIANT

You Said You’d Grow Old With Me

she really thought he had left her. she wasn’t prepared for the alternative.

wishin’ you were sitting here, right next to me

continuation fic of ‘you said you’d grow old with me’. jo tells her twelve year old daughter about her dad. 

stick it

jo, alex, and their three year old attend their oldest daughter’s gymnastics meet.

doctors make the worst family members

alex is about to go in for surgery, but a pregnant jo and a tiny three year old certainly make the day a bit more interesting. 

heart of gold

alex’s journey to letting people see the real him; and it’s all because of one thing, kids. 

cross my heart, hope to die, please stick this pencil in my eye

alex and jo help their daughter with her math homework.

float like a butterfly, sting like a bee

when jo and alex’s three year old son gets stung by a wasp, jo gets a bit too overprotective.

oh, darlin’, don’t you ever grow up

a long day of work makes everyone tired, but nothing makes alex or jo karev more happy than their daughter, especially when it involves a tickle fight.

pregnant jo

a quick head-canon about what a pregnant jo would be like.

bunny kisses and easter wishes

easter morning in the karev household is a pretty big deal

POST 16x16

The Way I Loved You

she’s moved on, but she still misses him.  

aviothic

izzie and jo meet on a plane, unaware of who they’re talking to .

i had all and then most of you (some and now none of you)

during a late night phone call, alex learns that jo is well and truly no longer his.

clair de lune

sweet little moments between jo and luna

how’s your heart after breaking mine?

years after they last saw each other, jo and alex reunite at a conference, and while she is still struggling from her heartache, he seems to be mr. perfectly fine. (ts jolex week 21)

you gave me your word (but that didn’t matter)

jo writes a letter (spoiler alert; it's a shame she's the only one who ever sees it.)

your name, forever the name on my lips

she never did think that they'd have a last kiss. but they did.

SERIES

Loving You Is A Losing Game

oh, what a shame it is, to meet the love of your life at the wrong time. (alternate universe)

prologue.          chapter five. chapter ten

chapter one.      chapter six.

chapter two.        chapter seven.

chapter three.     chapter eight.

chapter four.     chapter nine.

but i see you’ve got your finger on the trigger

(discontinued unless stated otherwise)

dr. alex karev plays a dangerous game with a hit woman known as miss femme fatale. based completely off 11x11 of criminal minds. (alternate universe)

____

His sixteenth birthday was honestly not something he was looking forward to. He knew his mom wouldn't be stable enough to cook him a cake like she had when he was younger, before her condition worsened to the point where nearly all her days were bad ones, unlike how it had been the previous year. He knew she wouldn't cup his face in her hands and softly speak, "Alex, my sweetest boy. My truest love." as she stroked his cheeks ever so tenderly. His dad wasn't around anymore, which he knew was a positive thing, well, he supposed it was.

But it was still the first birthday without his dad in it, and that thought made him sad. Not a lot, but a little. Just because all of his birthdays for the past nine years had been his dad telling him that he was a waste of space and a 'fucking idiot' didn't mean he didn't miss him in the smallest way shape or form. He was still his dad after all. The guy who brought him to the fair when he was younger. The guy who briefly taught him how to play guitar. And on the rare occasion when he was sober for about a week or so, would bring Alex out to fix up a pick up truck his dad planned to give him on his sixteenth birthday, but ultimately started using not long before his fifteenth.

He knew Aaron and Amber would maybe do something, but he knew there wasn't much they could do. They were only four and ten. They shouldn't do anything for their brother because he was feeling crappy about a day that didn't even mean that much to him.

Ugh. Birthdays. He thought they were really stupid. Why make a big deal out of the day you were born? Especially if nobody really seemed to care much about your existence.

That's why when he awoke on his sixteenth birthday he was surprised. He'd completely forgotten about what happened on the day everyone had told him about since, well... since he could remember. Some of the things people said to him when he was still was a small boy were nice and comforting, something that made him look forward to this special day, like "Oh, what a lucky women that boy's soulmate will be," was something he got often when he was younger, before his mom's schizophrenia and before his dad's substance abuse. He used to be a really sweet kid. He gave his lollipops to others who looked like they wanted it more, he shared his toys with people in the park. He talked and interacted with everyone from a young age. He was a cute kid too, he remembered. That's what people always said. They would pinch his chubby cheeks and ruffle his dark brown hair, which would lead to Alex giving them his signature crooked smile, which warmed the hearts of many. "What a sweet soulmate he will be.", "The special girl won't know what hit her!" , "He will treat her like a queen i'm sure." thats what daycare teachers and random moms at the park used to say to his parents, complimenting him on how well little Alex treated their daughters. While most boys his age we certain that girls had cooties, Alex just simply talked to him and played with them like they were just a normal person. Not to mention, what a little charmer he was. He was a flirt from the moment he was born. He told some girls he thought they were 'weally pwetty' and said he liked the bows in their hair or the outfit they were wearing. He had mad game. Even from the young age of four he had somehow even managed to completely charm his preschool teacher Ms. Ryan, who he thought was the most beautiful women to ever walk the face of the earth at the time (other than his mom). Ms. Ryan definitely favored Alex, always giving him extra treats at snack, or letting him out first to go to recess. Turns out, being thirty three and a four year old boy telling you on an almost daily basis that 'your dwess is supa pwetty Ms. Ryan' or 'i wike your hair vwery much' was a major confidence booster.

It all changed when he was five though, when his mom's condition was getting worse and his dad started using more and more and more. The situation just decreased as the years went on. Out were the compliments and looks of adoration and in rolled the dirty glares and not-so secret whispers. "What a poor girl to have him as her soulmate.", "I would hate for my daughter to be tied to him forever.", "Let's just hope his soulmate can put up with him." were the ones he heard instead. It used to hurt, but now he didn't mind. He didn't have any friends, any girlfriends, just some mere acquaintances. All he could really say he had were about half of the school's females tucked under his belt. Something he didn't actually care about. Sex was a defense mechanism. Sex made him feel wanted. If some girl was throwing herself at him, he took the opportunity. He felt like he was wanted, even if it was just for twenty minutes in some random parking lot.

He didn't really care for birthdays.

So, imagine his surprise when he woke up that morning to find an orange envelope on his dresser table. It was then he remembered. He remembered that the day of your sixteenth birthday you found out who your soulmate was.

He grabbed the folder so quickly it was like a flash of light. This envelope gave him hope. Hope that one day, someone would care about him. Because, that was the point of soulmates, right? A soulmate was someone who was made for you. Someone who would be okay with all the crap life had thrown at him. Some who would love you. Because, his soulmate would right? Right. She had to. He needed somebody. He really, really needed somebody. And his soulmate was his somebody. Hopefully.

With that thought he takes a deep breath and nearly rips the envelope open. He pulls out the three photos in it delicately, not wanting to even risk a crease or fold forming on the photos. He flips them over one by one.

The three photos.

Wow.

The three photos he'd been hearing about since he was a little boy.

The first one, as he had learned, is what your soulmate looked like on the day of their sixteen birthday, whether it be in the future or the past.

He feels stupid, really stupid. He was smiling like a god damn idiot.

She was hot, his soulmate. Really hot.

Her long brown hair was in gentle curls, natural he could tell. He knew what real curls were versus curling iron ones. She had bright golden eyes. He swore, they were like actual gold. They had specks of green, yellow, and honey. A little beauty mark sat by her right lip. And those lips? They were plump, full, and a bright pink. In the photo she was smiling. He really liked her smile. It was joyous, it made him feel happy, in a way he'd never felt before. He assumed she was laughing, based on the fact that her head was slightly tilted back. From what he could tell, she was wearing a pair of jeans and a flannel. He liked that about her, the fact that she wasn't wearing whatever uncomfortable shit he'd seen some girls at his school wear. She looked like she was dressed how she wanted to and wasn't gonna let society or school cliques tell her otherwise.

He let out a small sigh as he placed down the photo delicately, as if he dropped it any harsher it would break like glass. He picks up the second photo, another smile gracing his lips as he studies it.

The second photo was always of your soulmate the day you met. Well, more specifically, the first time you meet. In his, the girl looked even more beautiful. Except now, she wasn't a girl, she was a woman, and that was obvious. Her face was a bit fuller, and instead of having her hair down this time, two strands of her dark locks were framing her face. He could tell she was in the middle of saying something, but her face wasn't frozen in some awkward position. It looked natural, like a well shot candid.

Alex placed down the second photo just as delicately as the first, setting them side by side. The third and final photo he wasn't quite ready for.

The last photo was a picture of them at their worst. When they had hit absolute rock bottom, before thirty though. Again with the age. Alex didn't get it. Why should they put an age limit on knowing your soulmate? Wasn't there a saying in wedding vows, "for better or worse"? and that was for married people for god's sake. So, why shouldn't he be able to see his soulmate at her worst? It made sense right?

Alex flipped over the photograph hesitantly, his breath getting caught in his throat.

He slams the photo down on the bed as quickly as he could, not being able to look at it any longer.

He understood now.

His soulmate was beaten and bruised, almost all her marks, scars, and bruises visible due to the nightgown she wore. In the photo she was crying, silent tears, he could tell.

He understood now, why they only let you see towards a certain age. Because what if it was worse? What if something worse had happened while his soulmate was older?

A horrible thought came to his mind, shaking it off immediately.

No, he did not do that.

He knew he didn't. He wouldn't. He'd seen his dad beat his mom again and again. He would never be like his dad. He swore on it.

But still, that lingering thought in his mind.

No.

Instead of thinking further, he picked up the first photo of her, the one wheres she is sixteen too. He studies it, knowing that by tomorrow the photo would be gone. Just like the others. That was how it worked anyways. The photos only lasted a day. The next morning, the pictures would be gone. All he knew about her would be her face, which he was going to imprint into his memory as best as he could. The universe seemed to enjoy playing games with people, so again after the one day, your memory of the photo was foggy. Very foggy. It wasn't until you actually met your soulmate when you would remember the photos you saw when you were sixteen. So, her studied her. Even laugh line, every beauty mark, every freckle (she had them sprinkled in every so lightly on her nose). He would remember it all, he told himself that. So that way when he saw her, he would know. But of course, forgetting was inevitable.

He smiles at the photo, biting his lip in a failed attempt to stop his smile from growing. It all seemed surreal to him. A soulmate. He had one? He, Alexander Michael Karev, a boy who had to grow up much younger than most, had a soulmate? Someone who would be okay with his crap?

The man was far from a romantic. He gagged at chick flicks and still felt uncomfortable when he saw any form of PDA, whether it be him or anyone else, but he swore, he thinks this girl would make him okay with everything. For this girl, he could see himself do anything. He would jump in front of a bear for her. No doubt. It didn't matter that he had never even met her. He just knew.

He shrugs the sappy thoughts away, scoffing at himself, in an attempt to not lose his 'tough guy behavior'.

Get a hold of yourself Karev. She's just a girl.

But even those thoughts couldn't erase the smile from his face.

____

On the night before her sixteenth birthday, she was anxious. Really anxious. And scared. She could barely sleep that night, tossing and turning without being able to stop in the backseat of her car. But she knew the envelope wouldn't come unless she slept, since it only showed up after you fell asleep. So, she squeezed her eyes as tight as she could like a little girl wishing to see fairies and let the exhaustion of the days events take over her.

As she awoke the next morning, she temporarily forgot everything. For her, it was jut another day, trying to pry her exhausted eyes open, her mind having a battle with her body. She makes tiny noises as she drifts towards consciousness, her brain foggy with jumbled words and half made thoughts.

When she does manage to open her eyes, she sees an orange envelope tucked into the car's window from the inside. She doesn't think much of it at first, her brain still not on the cognitive thinking side of things, until she wakes up a bit more, remembering the day it was.

She sits up with a start, grabbing the envelope and opening it carefully, but still so quickly that the photos were tumbling out.

She picks up the first from the deck. A photo of her soulmate on his sixteenth birthday. And damn, she was a lucky woman.

He had a sharp jawline, no scratch that, a really freakin sharp jawline. Like you could run your finger across and you would end up with a cut. His messy-yet-styled hair was a dark brown. He had a broad build, biceps pulsing out form the white t-shirt he wore, and a really freakin sexy half smirk. His eyes were a dark brown like his hair, but his eyes, they held something familiar. They held, loneliness. Longing. Exhaustion. That was a big one. At first glance, you couldn't tell, but she could see, behind the eyes of dark brown and bits of green, he was exhausted. Exhausted of what? She didn't know. But she could tell, since she was sure she had the same in her orbs too.  Loneliness. She felt that one too. But him? Lonely? He didn't look like the lonely type. He looked like the guys she saw at her school, the ones were girls falling at their feet and at least five different men to meet him every morning by the lockers to do a 'bro hug'. But she knew to not make assumptions. Longing. What was he longing for? A better life? Better parents? Better friends, better grades? She had no idea, but the look was clear in his eyes. But there was one more thing that shone in his seas of brown. Hope. The day of the photo was of the day of his sixteenth birthday. Could the glimmer of hope be for her? Could she be the cause of someone to believe. Probably not, but still, it never hurt to dream.

The second photo was of him the day they meet. And once again, she was a lucky lady. She couldn't quite see what he was wearing, but it looked to be some type of flimsy dark blue materiel. He had a half snarl on his face, but it didn't really look awkward, like she assumed it would on others. It looked natural, like he'd done it so many times before, it just came with ease.

He had the slightest bit of a stubble on his face, looking like he'd just shaved that morning or the night before, a bit more hair visible in the mustache area. His hair was a bit shorter than the previous photo, but not by much. It was better styled, but still looked like he had run his hands through it too many times to count. She sets the photo down next the the other one, taking a deep breath before flipping over the third and final photograph.

She intakes a sharp breath upon seeing the picture, tears pooling in her eyes at the sight in her hand. It was her soumate, lyig in a pool of his own blood, the red liquid coming from his chest.

He was shot.

In the chest, she assumed. That's where the most of the blood was at. She bites her bottom lip, trying to keep it from trembling. He was what seemed to be a metal box. An elevator? That seemed most likely. His blood stained clothes were previously a light blue, his hair shorter than the previous two photos.

The clothing, it liked familiar. Where had she seen them before? She racks her brain, trying to identify what her soulmate was wearing, purposefully ignoring the large sum of red surrounding the man.

A small smile graces her lips. Scrubs. She'd seen them on a few people when she went into town. So that meant he was doctor. Right? Or a nurse, but he didn't really look like he would be a nurse. And his scrubs were a different color than the ones in the precios picture. She assumed the clothing were scrubs in the second photo as well.

She swallowed thickly. It hurt. She felt the pain. The pain of her soulmate getting shot. It hurt like hell, and she wasn't even experiencing it first hand. But it still hurt. It felt like someone was grabbing her heart and squeezing it. It wasn't the same type of pain, but it was still pain nonetheless.

With that she sets the photo down. The fear starts to kick in then.

How would he soulmate feel about her past? He looked normal. Despite the loneliness and longing in his eyes, her looked normal.

What if she screwed it up? What if he couldn't deal with her crazy? She was Brooke. Hobo, car living, foster home, no parents Brooke.

She shoved the thoughts aside. He was her soulmate. The handsome stranger with the dark eyes that were somehow calming was her soulmate. Who knows, maybe he was just as screwed up as her.

____

Alex Karev had always been impatient. Ever since he was a little boy really.

So imagine how impatient he was when he was twenty nine years old and had still yet to meet his soulmate.

Her loved Izzie, and she had lost Denny, her soulmate. They made each other happy. They loved each other, she was probably going to die. He loved her, so they got married. He got married to someone who wasn't his soulmate. He had given up at that point. I mean, come on. Twenty nine years he'd been on this planet and he still had yet to meet his soulmate. God, he really wished he could just remember her face. He couldn't remember a single thing. Everything else from the day was clear, but the photos that held his soulmates face were a complete blur, nearly nonexistent. All he could remember were his feelings. He remembers thinking she was really hot. And he remembers feeling really happy. Too happy. He pushed the feelings aside. He loved Izzie.

And it hurt like hell when she left. They had their arguments, sure. But he loved her. He waited to kiss her because he wanted it to be special. He gave her a cupcake on her birthday because he wanted her to know she was loved. He wanted to let her know that she wasn't just another notch under his belt. He was a jerk, he knew that. He could be grumpy and he pushed people away. He guessed he pushed Izzie away.

He didn't know if he was ever going to meet his soulmate. He tried dating by and only had a list of failed relationships. And then the plane crash happened. He should've been on that plane, but Robbins boarded it instead. Maybe he would've been the one to lose a leg. Then Robbins would still be happy and making Alex gag at how in love her and Callie were. They were soulmates. It seemed like everyone had already gout their soulmate. Meredith had Derek. Callie had Arizona. Owen had Cristina, even though they had more than many disagreements. Bailey had Ben. Everybody had somebody.

Except him.

And that freakin sucked. So, he slept with the interns. Lots of them. Stacy, Tina, Irene, Brooks, Murphy. He'd pretty much given up on meeting his soulmate. At thirty-two he had still yet to meet the girl from the photographs.

So, sleeping with the interns and having non serious , inappropriate relationships with them it is.

____

She had always been impatient. When she was six she once punched a boy because one; he was being a complete ass, and two; he was taking too long to give her the crayon. he deserves it. he was making fun of her and purposefully trying to flatten the green crayon just to annoy her. he deserved the punch.

So when she met a man who treated her like a queen, who didn't beat her down for not having parents and living in her car she felt amazing. He called her beautiful and showered her with gifts and expensive foods. she didn't really care about that though, she enjoyed when he would delicately hold her like she was a porcelain doll. When he would greet her with a deep kiss after he came home from work.

She loved him so much that she agreed to marry him after only being together for eleven months. She knew Paul wasn't her soulmate, but a man who treated her so nicely, a man who was ever do handsome, wanted her? Who treated her with such love and tenderness, so what if he wasn't her soulmate. She was twenty three years old and hadn't met him yet. And if this amazing guy wanted her and loved her as much as she loved him, than it was okay, not being with her soulmate.

She held onto that love. She held onto that love for three years. Three years of beatings, begging that the man who showed her so much love and kindness would come back and stay.

Because Paul wasn't always bad. Some days he would come home and give her that breathtaking kiss as he walked through the door. Some days he still held her like she was a little porcelain doll.

Some days he did still show her that love like he used to that first year. But those days were few and far between.

She wished she had just waited. Gotten over her impatience for something real and waited. Maybe then everything would be okay.

Maybe one day she'll meet him.

....

She was no longer Brooke. No more with Brooke Stadler or the various names she took from all the different foster homes.

Now she was Jo. Josephine. Josephine Alice Wilson. It's who she felt like.

Jo. It was a bit old-timey, sure. But she liked it, the fact that she could probably confuse people who had only seen her name and think she was a boy. She didn't want to be a man, but maybe people would be surprised to see that all this well done work was actually done by a woman.

Jo was strong. Jo was powerful. Jo was the person she had always wanted to be.

She left behind Brooke. Brooke was... she was someone else. Brooke was a survivor. But Brooke was scared. Scared of everything. But Jo?

Jo knew Paul could find her. It would be hard, very hard. And he probably wouldn't, but now she wasn't scared. Brooke would've been scared. Brooke wouldn't been scared shitless. But Jo? No, Jo was far from scared. She was excited. She was eager. Because she had a new start. She got to be whoever the hell she wanted. She could go out and drink with her friends. She could go out and drink until she probably couldn't walk. She could do whatever the hell she wanted. She could wear whatever the hell she wanted. She could talk however the hell she wanted.

Because she was Jo.

But Jo did still want the one thing Brooke wanted. To find her soulmate. Sure, by now she knew that he probably didn't exist and the whole ordeal was just plain poppycock, but she wanted to find him. She really, truly, desperately wanted to find him.

She was twenty-seven years old and had a nonexistent love life. a few random hook ups from a bar were not included.

Maybe here. Maybe in Seattle she would meet her soulmate.

____

She was on Peds today, with Alex Karev. She hadn't  ever met the man before, but she had heard more about him than she cared to. Mainly from Leah Murphy with the occasional input from Heather Brooks. From what she gathered, the easiest way to label him was a man whore. So she wasn't really the most excited to be on his service for the week.

She'd been in Seattle for a month now, starting her internship as Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital. She was in love. Sure, doing scut all day and running labs wasn't much, but when she gets to observe from inside the OR? She felt like she won the freakin lottery.

The girl grabbed a trauma gown form behind her attending. "Do you mind" he snarls not even meeting her gaze as he turns around and heads to the ambulance bay.

She says she was sorry, but she doesn't think he hears her.

"Why are you following me?" she doesn't know why, but for some reason his voice gives her butterflies. She hadn't gotten a look at his face yet, but she assumed it was turned into a grimace.

"I'm your intern for the day." her voice sends tingles through him, shooting down his spine. He hadn't seen her yet, but her voice was strangely comforting.

"Hello intern you got a-" he starts, stopping as soon as he looks at her.

He feels breath get caught in his throat. no, surely he was imagining things. Right?

She feels like she can't breathe. That face. It was the same one as the one she saw on her sixteenth birthday. She remembers him. His sharp jawline and tiny bit of stubble.

And those eyes. she remember those eyes.

They held the same things as before. Loneliness, longing, exhaustion. But now, the tiny glimmer of hope she once saw was bright, not like the barely there she saw once before.

He felt everything in that moment. She was just like he remembered. Her long brown hair was swept up into a low updo, two dark strands framing her face. She had that little beauty mark by lip. And her eyes, they were truly everything. They showed him what she was feeling, surprise, disbelief, a bit of fear, hope. he knew his eyes were telling her the same thing.

They're not sure how long they're standing there in the middle of the ambulance bay, oblivious to the two other people next to them.

She wasn't sure how long it was until he broke the silence, a large crooked smile making its way onto his lips.

"Hi."

he whispers so delicately, like if he were to speak any louder the world around then would shatter.

She feels he smile widen, but now grinning from ear to ear.

____

Josephine Wilson sat on the edge of her best friend Stephanie Edwards' bed, watching as she pulled shirt after shirt, skirt after skirt, pair of pants after pair of pants out of her closet, scattering them across the room as she threw them behind her aimlessly. It looked like a scene of out every young adult movie starring a late twenty year old trying to be sixteen. A total cliche.

"Ugh I can't find it!" her friend exclaimed frustratedly, huffing as she turned back to Jo with a pout on her face.

"Find what?" Jo asks, more focused on picking at the skin on her nails than her friends fashion moment. Damn cuticle, it wouldn't go down without it hurting like a bitch.

"My sparkly black top? You know that one? The one with the sequins and the v-neck..." she trails off in hopes that her best friend would know what shirt she was taking about.

Jo stands up immediately, looking through the closet closely and carefully, not making a huge mess like Steph.

She emerges a few seconds later, holding the hanger the top was on in her right hand with a small smirk on her face. The other girl's jaw drops wide open when she sees the item. "How?!" she exclaims. She'd been looking for the top for at least twenty minutes.

Jo just shrugs her shoulders, though it was probably due to the fact that she didn't flip the closet inside out while trying to find it. Turns out throwing clothes everywhere created and even bigger mess and wasn't helpful in the process of finding lost clothes.

Steph takes the shirt from the brunette, saying 'thank you' so many times Jo lost count. She didn't really see the big deal, it was literally just a shirt after all, but to Steph is seemed like life or death, so she took the gratitude.

The darker skinned girl shimmies out of her shirt before slipping the tank top over her head, adjusting it before turning around to face Jo, smoothing it down as she smiles. "Whadd'ya think?" she asks, spinning around.

The girl lets out a loud wolf whistle, showing her approval. She smirks, looking her friend up and down. "Jackson is gonna lose his shit." she says, referring to Steph's boyfriend, a senior named Jackson Avery, also known as the only reason they were going to the party. Having your best friend date someone a grade older had some serious perks (mainly getting into senior parties, but there were probably some other advantages too).

And she wasn't lying, Steph looked seriously hot in her figure hugging v-neck and ripped black jeans. She'd done simple makeup, but her bold red lip really stood out and made her whole outfit complete.

Snapping Jo out of her thoughts, the curly haired girl studies her, "What are you wearing to the party?" she asks, pinning back some of her baby hairs with a clip as she turns back to her mirror.

"This." Jo says, referring to her dark blue jeans and flannel she currently had on. It was comfy, and it's not like her latest foster family gave enough shits to buy her clothes that hadn't been hand me downs or from dingy thrift stores. Or enough shits to buy her clothes or give her money for them period.

The other girls face curls up, "No."

Jo quirks a brow, "No?"

"Nope, c'mon." she says, dragging the brunette back to the closet. "We're going to a senior party and you wear flannels every day. Tonight, you are gonna show off that fine ass figure of yours." Steph says adamantly, tutting at whatever clothes she didn't approve of as she flicked through the large closet.

Jo shakes her head immediately, making her almost get whip lash from how many times her head went back and forth. "No way Steph. I'm fine." She didn't want Steph's clothes. She didn't want any kind of charity or special treatment. Just because she couldn't afford 'party clothes' didn't mean she couldn't go to parties.

As if her friend read her mind, "It's not charity Jo, it's me begging you to play dress up with me." she smirks, referring to what the two did ever since they were little girls. They would steal Steph's mother's heels and prance around in them, taking bits of jewelry and piling it on their necks, arms, and fingers. Then, they would steal some of Mr. Edwards' shirts and use them as dresses for the royal ball. She misses those times, when all their worries were focused on which of their stiffed animals would be the prince to escort them during their first dance.

How could Jo say no to dressing up? For old times sake, if anything.

So, she lets Steph rummage through the closet once more, giving her full control. Jo couldn't put an outfit together for shit. Ask her a math problem, that was her area of expertise. But fashion? It'd be as useful as asking a brick wall. Actually, a brick wall might be more helpful.

Not too long after, the girl returns with a deep red, slightly ruffled tube top and black ripped jeans similar to her own.

"No way!" Jo exclaims once she sees the top. Sure, it was cute as hell, but seriously, how many times would she need to pull it up throughout the night? Nothing was more awkward looking then watching a girl pull up her top from under her armpits.

Because that was definitely attractive.

"Yes way!" Steph claps back, tossing the items directly at the brunette as she struggles to catch them. Oh yeah, another thing she was terrible at, sports.

"Pleaseeee," she begs, giving Jo her best puppy dog eyes, that she knew she couldn't resist.

Jo opens and closes her mouth, looking more and more like a fish every time she did so. "I don't have the right bra." she argues back lamely, but it wasn't too far from the truth. She'd seen most girls wear either a strapless or lacy bra underneath. She had neither.

"It's padded on the inside. You don't need one." the other girl argues.

To Jo that sounded even more uncomfortable, but she wasn't going to put up a fight now. It wouldn't be of use anyways. Steph would win either way, especially if she used those damn eyes again.

Steph was like her sister, so how was she supposed to say no to her sister?

Jo grumbles something inaudible before making her way into the bathroom and shutting the door behind her. She slips off her shirt and bra, sliding on the red tube top, thanking the universe that her and Steph were the same size, so it wasn't to big nor too small. She shimmies on the jeans, once again thankful that both her and Steph were size 2's. She honestly hated belts with a passion.  

She pats down her outfit a few times, straightening out any crinkles, making sure that she didn't smudge any of her makeup as she pulled the top on. She honestly couldn't do makeup for shit, but she was proud of the minimalistic look she was able to pull together, which consisted of a cheap foundation and concealer, some nude eyeshadow, mascara, blush, and that was it. She was much more focused on trying to save for college than pay for makeup.

When she walks out of the bathroom Steph squeals, making Jo plug her finger's with her ears. The girl could squeal, she'll give her that.

"You look hot Jo." Steph says.

"Yeah yeah. Are we gonna get going, because i'm pretty sure we're already twenty minutes late." the brunette says, combing her fingers through her hair as she glances at the clock, which read 10:27. The party started at ten. Definitely late.

"Let me do this one thing," Steph says, dragging Jo to her vanity and sitting her down on the chair. "Eyeliner." she says, holding up the small tube of black liquid eyeliner.

"Fine." Jo huffs, closing her eye's as she feels the makeup get placed on first her eyelid, then the corner, letting Jo know that her friend was doing a wing. She was glad Steph was practically the queen of eyeliner and only needed to do it once because she wasn't sure how much patience she had in her to sit around. It'd been a rough Friday and all she really wanted to do was drink a beer and maybe make out with a hot guy.

After she opens her eyes she barely has time to say anything before she feels smearing on her lips, letting her know that Steph was putting lipstick on her. She doesn't remember agreeing to it, but again, sisters.

When she gets a chance to look in the mirror she sees that her lips were now a baby pink, the creamy lipstick was smooth and had a nice smell (a huge advantage in her book) and her eyeliner was done to perfection. Thank god for Stephanie Edwards.

The two smile at each other, "Ready?" the darker skinned girl asks just as Jo is about to leave the bedroom.

"Jacket!" she says, slapping a hand to her forehead, barely noticing how a cropped black jean jacket was heading her way before she ends up getting hit straight in the face.

Jo mumbles a thanks as she slips the jacket on, immediately feeling warmer now that her arms were covered. They pair walks down the stairs, saying a brief goodbye to Mrs. Edwards with a wave as they head out the door, making their way to Steph's car.

Steph slides into the driver's side and Jo into the passengers, blasting music all the way to the Avery house, a large white McMansion that already had a multitude of cars parked outside it. The girls get out of the car and walk up to the house, where they can hear techno music blaring from inside. They knock on the door, thinking it would be pointless until none other than Jackson himself pulls it open, greeting them both with a wide smile, jaw nearly dropping to the floor once he sees his girlfriend.

"Might want to close your mouth Avery, wouldn't wanna catch flies." Jo teases, patting the man on the shoulder twice before making her way to the kitchen and grabbing an unopened beer from the fridge. She pops off the top and takes a long sip, immediately feeling relieved as the liquid slides down her throat.

She leans against the counter, sipping on her beer as she watches the party move around her. She wasn't really a party girl. She'd rather spend her nights studying and reading than in crowds, but she had a total of three tests that day and she felt like letting off some steam, and what better way to do that than hang at Jackson Avery's house?

But seriously, partying really wasn't her scene. Sweaty bodies grinding on each other with their alcohol soaked breaths never seemed to be of much interest to her.  She makes small talk with Lexie Grey, one of her closest friends as they watch their surroundings, complaining about school and whatever comes to mind.  

She's not sure how long they talk for, but she assumes that it's been awhile because before she knows it, Steph is dragging both her and Lexie by the arms up the stairs. "Spin the bottle!" she says, tipsily tripping as she makes her way up the steps.

The other girls exchange glances, but turn back and enter the room Steph was dragging them into, finding to be filled with seniors Jo recognized for the most part. Meredith Grey, Cristina Yang, Derek Shepherd, Owen Hunt, Callie Torres, Mark Sloan, Arizona Robbins, Alex Karev, and Jackson Avery sat in a circle, a single beer bottle in the middle of them all.

"I didn't think people actually played this game..." Cristina mumbles, loud enough for everyone to hear, making them murmur in agreement. Jo took a seat next to Lexie, who was next to her boyfriend Mark. She felt a bit out of place, but decided to suck it up. If the game was as entertaining as they made it seem in movies and TV shows then why not enjoy it.

"Shush Yang. Just for that you're going first." Jackson smirks.

The raven head's mouth drops open, groaning before mumbling things incoherently under her breath before speaking up, grinning devilishly. "Fine, but one rule..." she looks around the circle. "You gotta make out with your person." she bites the inside of her lip.  

"Unless you feel completely uncomfortable with it." she finishes, knowing that she wouldn't really want to make out with a certain person she called Evilspawn.

A few people give cheers of approval while others moan. This was going to be interesting. She spins the bottle, the cluster of students watching it spin around and around before it lands on Meredith, her best friend.

The guys of the group cheer loudly (mostly Alex and Mark) as the two make their way to each other before crashing their lips together, laughing as they make out sloppily, much to the amusement of the others. Even Jo had to admit that watching the two women struggle to keep a straight face was quite amusing.

Maybe this game wouldn't be so bad after all.

____

So far the group had been playing for about thirty minutes and things had definitely gotten interesting at moments. When Derek landed on Mark the whole room bursted into laughter, Meredith and Cristina pulling out their phones to video the moment. The two men cringed, scrunching their faces up as they straightened their posture before pressing their lips as far out as they would go, only getting a small peck when their lips touched, but that was enough for them to wipe at their lips furiously and start trying to cleanse their mouths with beer. Men.

It was Arizona's turn and she watched the bottle spin around when it eventually lands on Alex, making him try to hide a chuckle, knowing she was a least hoping for a girl.

"I won't kiss you Robbins if you don't want me to." the man says sincerely, making Jo look up from her fingers, a bit surprised. The Alex Karev she'd heard about was a complete ass.

Arizona shrugs it off, her blonde hair bouncing. "Nah, there's a first time for everything right?" she smirks. "You know Karev, you'll be the first guy I've ever kissed." she says, making him nod.

"Can't say you'll be the first girl i've ever kissed." he retorts, making her smack his shoulder.

"Shut up. Okay. Be nice." she reprimands him, leaning forward without warning and capturing her lips on his, holding it for five seconds before pulling away.  

Alex raises his eyebrows, he was expecting a peck, but that would work too. "So?..." he trails off.

She shrugs her shoulders, "You're a good kisser." she licks lips. "But girls taste better." she smirks, earning a round of applause and laughs.

Alex chuckles and spins the bottle not longer after Robbins takes her seat, Jo watching it spin around and around until it lands on... her? She hadn't been landed on yet, so it was a bit of a surprise.

The man sends her a crooked smirk as she gets up from her spot relatively nervously before sitting in front of him. Okay no, she was actually really nervous. She didn't know much about Alex Karev other than the fact that he had slept with a good amount of the school and broke lots of girls hearts by not calling them back. He'd kissed a lot of girls, what if he thought she was a terrible kisser?

Shut up Jo-, she's immediately cut out of her train of thought by the man's lips on her's. She was stoic for a split second, before kissing him back, the kiss quickly going from soft to passionate as they feel fire build in the pit of their stomach.

They both forgot everything in that moment, where they were at, who they were. The noise around them faded out until it was just the sounds of their lips moving against each other hungrily, trying to taste as much of they other as they could.

They eventually pull back for air, remembering where they were and that all eyes were on them. Jo blushed at the sight but looked back to Alex, who's eyes were shining with a lust she'd never seen anyone wear before. Alex on the other hand, doesn't seem the slightest bit bothered as he stares at her first in bewilderment, trying to figure out what this girl was making him feel, then smirks, pulling her onto his lap and into another breathtaking kiss. She grips onto his hair as his hands roam her sides.

She knows that this wasn't a part of the game, but she really couldn't care less. Alex Karev could kiss her like that for as long as he wanted.

He knew it was only supposed to be one kiss, but damn, this girl he'd only seen a couple times from the distance was making him want her more and more with every movement that her lips made on his.

He pulls away for a split second, looking at the group who was staring at the pair with wide eyes. "I'm not planning on stopping anytime soon, so somebody take her turn." he mutters gruffly before kissing her once more, slipping his tongue into her mouth as they fight for dominance.

____

Jo was laying in her bed. Their bed. The bed that felt too cold. The bed that felt too empty. The bed that felt too big. After crying she felt better, having Link comfort her while she broke down. She wanted him back. She wanted him to answer her calls. She needed to know if he was okay. If he left her like she thought he did she at least needed to know if he was okay. One call. One text. Thats all she was asking for.

Except she wouldn't be satisfied with that. The five different positive pregnancy tests to the side of her were an example. She was pregnant. They were pregnant. How the hell did that happen? She was just pranking him about having a baby a two months ago, and now she really was going to have one? And at the best of times too. Right when her husband decides to go MIA.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there for, staring blankly into the distance, her body incapable of feeling anything. Numb. Thats how she felt. She felt like she was bathing in a tub of ice and all her sense and nerves had just shut down. Numb.

She'd only been numb once before, after seeing Paul for the first time in five years. Bu this was worse, oh this was so much worse. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. She couldn't talk. She couldn't do anything, she was just numb.

She wishes she could say she was startled by the sound of knocking her door, but she wasn't. She'd gotten used to Meredith and Link coming over at random hours of the day. Sometimes to rant about anything, or sometimes to just talk with her.

Maybe it's Alex, she thinks, and with that thought she gets up from the too big bed and makes her way to the loft's wooden door.

Please be you please be you.

The door opens and the sight she sees is one she wishes she didn't.

In one second she knew that her whole world was about to crumble under her feet. Oh god, how badly she wished she stayed in bed, how badly she wished she was at the hospital.

"Ma'am is this the home of Alexander Karev?" the officer asks, looking up from his notepad, his partner standing next to him dutifully.

Jo gulps visibly, already feeling the tears burning in her eyes. "Y-yes, he's my husband, i'm his wife."

The two officer share a sympathetic glance. "We're afraid there's been an accident.

____

After a short phone call with Meredith and one plane ride to some place in Oregon, Jo is standing outside some hospital she's never heard of, Meredith right by her side, holding her hand so tightly, like it was a life-line. Because it was. They knew nothing. All they knew was that Alex was involved in a ca accident that involved a drunk driver, and they hadn't been able to identify him for the past two weeks. They didn't know anything. Was he alive? Was he dead? Had they simply only contacted her so they would know what to do with his body? Was he seriously just okay and he was in a medically induced coma? Did he have amnesia? Did he not remember who he was?

For two weeks her husband had been just another John Doe. One that they see in the pit nearly every day.

He wasn't Doctor Alex. He was even a doctor. He wasn't her husband. He wasn't a best friend, a companion, a lover. He wasn't a surgeon who saved the lives of tiny humans. He wasn't a guy who made little kids less scared of the hospital. He was just another meaningless John Doe, taking up space in the ICU.

But oh, she felt guilty. So guilty. She was worried that he was having some kind of secret affair while he was really just in the hospital.

Meredith squeezes her hand, "You ready?" she croaks out, her red rimmed eyes string up at the hospital in front of her. Meredith wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for what stood behind those doors. She wasn't ready.

"No." Jo shakes her head, a few stray tears already coming down her cheek. She hadn't gotten them to stop. She physically couldn't get them to stop. Ever since those six dreadful words came out of the officer mouth.

Meredith sighs in understanding, "I know." she says, stepping forward and taking the first steps, Jo following behind her robotically.

No, not robotically. Numbly.

How naive she was, thinking that what she felt earlier was numbness, this was a whole new level. This was paralyzing. This was frightening. This was feeling her body start to disintegrate piece by piece.

Without knowing it she was standing on the sixth floor, the ICU. Meredith leans over the nurses station, asking for the room number for Alex Karev.

Jo doesn't see the sad, sympathetic smile the nurse gives the two, but Meredith does. And that's when she knew that things weren't going to be alright. Nothing was going to be bright and shiny and happy with unicorns and rainbows.

Somehow, they end up on the other side of the Alex's room, but Jo had yet to look up from her gaze on the floor. She's never noticed how white the linoleum of hospital floor were. They were shiny too. So shiny that she could see her reflection.

It was when Meredith lets out a soft sob that she finally decides to look up, not at all prepared for the sight in front of her.

The sight of her husband, the love of her life, lying in a bed, tubes sticking out of every possible place in his body.

It was then she felt her whole world crash down. Crash down and burn. A gut wrenching sob escapes her throat, a hand coming up to cover her mouth as the tears come down her face. They come down so fast she cant even wipe them away until her face is soaked again.

"Mer I-i," she chokes out, feeling her breathing start to pick up as she tries and fails to form her words.

Meredith nods, "Go in." she whispers brokenly, watching as a doctor makes his way towards.

The doctor holds out his palm to the blonde, "Hi i'm Doctor Kelsey, i'm the neurosurgeon on Mr. Karev's case-"

"It's doctor." she interrupts him. "Doctor Karev. Doctor Alex Karev." she says slowly.

The man nods, "Okay, Dr. Karev has been here for fifteen days now. There was an MVC on the 45 with a drunk driver and he ended up getting very severely injured-"

She cuts him off again, "I'm sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Meredith Grey."

She watches as the man's eyes widen in surprise. He was standing in front of Meredith Grey? The Meredith Grey? Catherine Fox Award Meredith Grey? Daughter of two time Catherine Fox recipient Ellis Grey?

"W-wow. I-its an honor to meet you Doctor Grey, i'm a big fan." he says, smiling brightly.

Meredith jolts back in shock, eyes narrowing at the man who was about ten years older than her. "It's an honor to meet me?" she hisses, watching as the fellow surgeon's smile falls as quickly as it appeared.

"I-its an honor to meet me? That's what you have to say? You have the audacity to say that, as i stand here, outside of the room of my best friend, who is alive because of tubes and vents? It's an honor to meet me, when the only reason i'm here if because my best friend, my person, is lying there, unable to move or breathe, or talk? It's an honor to meet me?" Meredith yells , tears escaping her eyes, earning the attention from the others in the ICU, but she didn't care.

The man nods furiously, "O-of course, i'm so sorry Doctor Grey, that was very disrespectful of me." he says, going on to explain the extent of Alex's injuries.

___

Jo stumbles into the room lifelessly, seeing the unmoving body of her husband lying on the bed.

The sight causes a whole new round of tears to spring into her eyes and down her cheeks, "Oh Alex," she chokes out, grabbing ahold of his left hand, clasping it firmly in her palm.

it was cold. Way too cold. Normally his hands were warm. Not sweaty or clammy, they were just warm and soothing, perfect for her's to slip into at any time of the day.

She feels the cold band of his wedding ring touch her fingers and that's when she lets the sobs take over.

The gut wrenching, heart breaking, deep sobs as she collapses on the side of his bed and onto her knees, completely ignoring the chair next to her.

She couldn't hold herself up. its like her legs could not longer support her, like they had turned into helpless piles of water, "Alex please." she begs, lips trembling as she places kiss over kiss on his hand.

She wasn't stupid, she was a doctor. She knew what all the tuning and the wires and the ventilators meant.

"Please tell me this is just some joke. Some really mean, really awful joke. Please Alex. Please." she cries.

"Please tell me this is just a nightmare, an awful, awful nightmare. Please tell me this isn't real Alex. Please." she begs, holding his hand so tight as her body shakes with sobs.

She shakes her head, laughing softly at first, then louder and louder, "Oh god." she sobs, her laughter coming to a halt. "This is real." she whispers, feeling as her tears drop from her eyes to the floor.

"No Alex. you don't get to die on me alright? Because, because i cant live without you okay? You-you need to know that. If you, if you die, i die." she says, taking both of her palms and clasping her tiny hands around his big one.

She shakes her head, "No Alex. You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to leave me. We-we meed to grow old a and grey, and we need to have kids. So many kids. We need to have at least three kids. We need to get a dog a-and travel the world. We still need to do that Alex."

Jo sniffles, "But it's not only you that needs me Alex, this baby needs you too." she sobs, standing up and sitting down on the bed, taking Alex's hand and placing it over her stomach, hoping that this would be enough. That this would be enough for him to wake up, to defy all medical standards and wake the hell up.

"Please Alex, this baby needs you." Jo sobs, "Because, i sure as hell can't do this without you. Y-you're the peds surgeon Alex, you were practically born to be a dad." she wipes her tears to no avail, since they just kept coming. "You need to hold this baby in your arms, you need to be there with me to tell them about how we had sex in a shed next to a corpse on our wedding on their wedding day. You-you need to see them grow up and graduate Alex."

"Y-you need to be there Alex. I need you, Mer needs. Zola and Bailey and Ellis, they need you. The tiny children that you save all the time need you. They need Doctor Alex. I need Doctor Alex."

"I-i need you to get so overprotective if it's a girl when she has her first boyfriend. I need to watch you teach our baby how to wrestle if he's a boy. Or a girl, i'm not judging." she chuckles soft'y, holding his palm against her still flat abdomen.

She lays down beside him, laying there in silence for a long time. She lets the thoughts roam in her mind.

Jo sighs, "I hated you at first." she starts, absentmindedly threading her fingers though his hair like she had done so many time before. 'Like seriously, you were one of the biggest assholes I ever met." she chuckles softly.

"And then there was the teen mom who was just going to abandon her baby that i went al crazy on, rightfully so by the way." she smiles slightly, knowing that if he could somehow hear her he was probably rolling his eyes. "And then suddenly, i told you my whole life story, just like that. I'd never done that with anyone before." she sighs, glancing back down to her stomach, where she had her hand clasped in his in a hold over her stomach. "I'd never opened up to someone so easily before. It was like... my heart knew I could trust you before any other part of me could."

"I know i know, you're laughing at me. I sound like something out of a cheesy lifetime movie." she smiles softly. "And then came Ben and Bailey's wedding, and then, before i knew it, you were my best friend."

She starts to trace his fingers, something she always did to calm her down, "And then, one day, i was drinking a beer at Joe's with Jason, and all i could think was that i would rather be with you, on the couch that I bought, and watching action movies with you. That's when i realized i was i love with you." she whispers, some new tears building in her eyes.

"And then we wen through crap. So much crap Alex. That's why this can't be the end. Thats why this can't be the end of us okay? Because we've been through too much crap to let a drunk driver end us."

"Please Alex, i'm begging you, come back." she sobs, starting to pound her fists on his chest.

"Come back! Come back you son of a bitch! Come back!" Jo cries, unable to atop the steady flow of water coming down her face.

"Please Alex." Jo begs, her eyes so red and puffy that they looked like she had been crying for years. "You-you have my whole heart Alex. And i-if you die, you will crush it, and I wont make it. I cant live without you okay? You hear me? I need you Alex. I- i cant breathe. I cant breathe, ii cant exist in a world without you in it, okay?" she sobs, hyperventilating as she trues to get her words out, which only came out in barely audible sobs.

Somewhere along the way she cries herself to sleep, waking up a nearly a whole day later to a view of Meredith, Amelia, Tom, Jackson, Arizona, Callie, Link, Cristina, Bailey, and Richard standing outside the ICU.

And for one second, before she opens her eyes, she forgets everything, simply snuggling into the body and the scent she missed so much, a combination of aftershave and spearmint.

And then she remembers.

And oh god, she just wants to die.

She feels like a knife is being driven through her heart, stabbing her again and again and again, with absolutely no intention to stop.

Eventually Meredith breaks her out of her trance by knocking on the door, in which Jo responds by a head nod, letting her know that it was okay to come in.

The blonde enters, flowed by Amelia and Tom. "I called them. I wanted them here to consult, look at all his scans, everything." Meredith mutters, her voice hoarse and broken from trying to hold in her tears.

Jo looks up at the two, a small glimmer of hope shining in her eyes, "P-please." she stutters out, her voice high pitched and squeaky, sounding more broken than they'd ever heard her before, "tell me you guys can do something."

Amelia takes a deep breath, letting a few drops of water pool in her eyes, "Jo-"

"No," she sobs, shaking her head. "It took me twenty-seven years to find him, longer to realize i loved him, and even longer to be able to marry him." she starts to shake, trying to take in every detail of his face.

His overgrown stubble.

The soft creases around his eyes.

The slight wrinkles etched into his forehead.

"Jo, we can't bring him back. I'm so sorry." Tom says, trying to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, which she shakes off.

She slowly nods, unconsciously mumbling something about how she was going to let everyone say their goodbyes before she said hers.

So thats what she did. One by one the said their tearful, heartbroken goodbyes, still i denial that the man they loved would soon be gone.

Jo goes in one last time, lying down next to him, holding his figure in her arms. "I love you." she sobs.

"I haven't said that enough. I love you Alex. God, I love you so much jerkface. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as i love you." she cried, her tears an endless flow into a river. "I love you, i love you, i love you."

"And, please, please love me enough to come back." she begs him, still holding onto that tiny bit of hope.

"You said we'd be together forever Alex. You and me. Please, please let there be forever." she pleads with him one last time, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.

With one deep breath she gives a nod to the nurse, who slowly begins to remove the ventilator. Then she unplugs him from all the machine.

She lays her head on his heart, feeling as he breathes one last time under her.

And then, she places a kiss on his lips, one last time

and all of a sudden,

he was gone.

"we had plans, we had visions, now i cant see ahead. We were one, were golden, forever you said."

"didn't say goodbye now I'm frozen in time getting colder, colder. "

"One last word. One last moment. To ask you why, you left me here behind."

the sun beat down through the room's window, a gentle hue settling on the white curtains. the sun shone on two people in a bed, holding onto each other so tightly, so securely, but yet somehow, so passionately, like they had been doing it for so many years. it looked like a habit, the man's hands wrapped around the woman's middle as her head was buried deeply into somewhere between the man's bare chest and neck. his nose was nuzzled into the girl's dark brown locks as they slept. away were the worry lines caused from overwhelming stress, and instead was replaced by the smallest hint of a smile on both person's lips, so tiny, barely there, but it was as if they knew that just by holding one another, everything was going to be okay.

she wasn't quite sure what time it was. all she knew was that the sun far past what is considered to be it's rising point. it beat down on her skin, a golden glow reflecting on her olive tan. she was currently in the state of being asleep yet awake at the same time. she knew things were going on around her, but she was much too tired to actually open her eyes and face the day.

all she was really able to focus on was the comfort of her pillow. she snuggled in closer to it, inhaling the scent unconsciously, a mix of mint and aftershave, different than what she remembered, but she was liking this smell so much more.

she took these special moments and them close to her, she knew by now her 'pillow' was really just her husband. it had been a long while since he'd held her so closely like he currently was. the sun's rays were much too bright now, she could tell even from facing away.  it was too late to fall back asleep. she tries to pry her tired eyes open, but is mostly unsuccessful, since she wasn't sure if she was still awake or just in a dream.

once she knew she was on the more conscious side of things, she lets her ears wander, listening to the sounds of her room. the birds chirping softly outside, the quiet snores coming from her husband.

she gains the feeling of touch back, noticing then how her skin felt hot. an arm was wrapped around her center, and another was on her shoulder. she decided she didn't want to open her eyes just yet, she didn't want to ruin the moment. she forgot what it felt like to be held in his arms so securely.

as she buries her nose in his neck something feels different.

actually, everything feels different.

the smell of old spice and men's cologne wasn't present, but the new smell of mint and aftershave, the one from earlier. the arm around her midsection was muscular, much more built than she remembered it to be. and the chest she currently had her palm on, this was not the same chest she was used to. this chest didn't have any hair on it, last time she checked her husband still had the neatly trimmed hair on his chest. on this chest, she could feel the muscles pulsing as he breathed in and out, something she wasn't used to. the chest she knew was strong and muscular, but not like this.

it was then she decided it was time to open her eyes. she expected to be met with the face of her husband, but no, oh no. this man, this man was most certainly not her husband.

this man's jawline was sharper, had a five-o'clock shadow rather than a full stubble, shorter hair that was a shade darker than the color she was used to, and this man's lips were a bit more full and red.

she felt her eyes grow wide as she took in the situation. she realized she didn't have any clothes on other than her underwear, so did the man. she quickly wiggles out of the guy's strong hold, trying to grasp what the hell happened.

her eyes dart around the room, not noticing that the man was starting to shift towards consciousness as well.

clothes.

they were everywhere.

her black lacy bra was hanging loosely from a lamp on the nightstand. her dress that she briefly remembers putting on the night before is in a puddle by the foot of the bed. the man's shirt was strewn across a chair in the coroner, and a pair of nice black jeans was curled up on the floor.

she swallows the lump in her throat, trying to grasp the situation.

she had sex with a man who wasn't her husband. she woke up next to a man who wasn't her husband. she had enjoyed being in the arms of someone who wasn't her husband.

"what the fuck?" a deep voice asks from behind her, she lets out a small squeal, turning around and covering her bare chest in the process, ignoring the pounding headache she had, it was the absolute least of her concerns.

she starts pacing around the room, grabbing a robe from a closet and finally meeting the eye of the man, who looks just as shocked as she did.

the man gazes around the room, taking in its current state. he knew something was different this morning, but he just blamed it on having slept so well.

the hair he smelled that morning was like vanilla, not coconut, but he insisted it was just a change of shampoo. the body he was holding was much smaller and daintier, a large comparison to the tall figure of his wife.

"shit." he breathes out.

his wife.

"shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." he curses, running his hand through his hair.

he looks up from his wedding band, only to meet the face of a woman, an attractive woman. long brown hair in curly ringlets and golden brown eyes. her pupils are wide as she paces the room, fiddling with the wedding band set on her finger.

she throws her head back unexpectedly, bringing a hand to her mouth "i'm a dirty adulteress whore!" she lets out all of sudden, her eyes getting a bit wet.

she bites her bottom lip, much like he was doing right now, "oh god." she mumbles to herself. the brunette begins her pacing again, "he's gonna be so mad, oh god, he's gonna be so mad." she says quietly to herself, so quietly that the man doesn't hear her.

the male on the bed sat still, not quite processing the information that was flowing through his brain. he cheated on his wife. he fucking cheated on his wife.

god, he was so stupid, he told himself he had changed, he told himself he was a better man. he thought he was a better man. he thought he had put his cheating days behind him, but that seems to not be the case.

and the worst part? he couldn't even think of this girl's name. the woman unexpectedly sits down beside him, a look of pure disbelief present on both of their faces. his mouth opens and closes a few times, the words he wanted to say not being able to come out.

the woman finally speaks up, her tone of voice only really able to be described as bewildered. "i just cheated on my husband."

the man nods, "i just cheated on my wife."

after a few beats of silence the girl bursts into loud fits of laughter, making his head pound harder than it was before, but ignores it, much like he assumed she was doing.

he looks to the girl with eyebrows raised. was this chick mental? she was laughing about the fact that they were both cheaters?

well, he did kind of know, he could assume she was laughing instead of crying. but he still thought she might be crazy.

but for some reason, he couldn't help but laugh along side her. her laugh was infectious, and it sent tingles all through his body. before they knew it, the two were bent over laughing, tears coming out of their eyes.

why were they laughing? they both had no idea. laughing was prolonging the crying session, sure. but it really did no good other than make their heads hurt worse. all they knew was that the sound's of each other's laughs made them giggle more. it was pretty messed up, the fact that they were laughing over the fact that they were dirty, dirty cheaters. it was wrong, but for some reason, they couldn't stop.

the two chuckled for a few minutes more, wiping at the wetness in their eyes once their giggles died down. they were left in an uncomfortable silence, refusing to meet each other's gaze. a large switch from their situation just seconds before. they should leave the room, they knew that. they knew that they should walk out that dark brown door and never look back, pretend last night had never happened. they knew they should. but for some reason they both stayed put.

it was like a magnet was pulling them together. they'd never felt like this before. they were sitting side by side, not touching, yet it seemed just being around each other set their skin on fire.

the man lets out a breath through his pursed lips, trying to think of something to say. "i'm alex." he settles on, eyes flitting to look over at the girl.

the woman bobs her head up and down. "brooke."

"i feel like crap." brooke speaks up after a few beats of heavy silence, turning the wedding set on her ring finger. she felt dirty. really dirty. she had just broken a vow, a promise. the one to be loyal to her spouse.

she drums her lips and runs a hand through her hair, finally submitting the pounding headache she had. she hisses, squeezing her eyes shut as she finally becomes more and more aware of her senses.

alex was one in the same. he could tell that the room smelled of alcohol, though there were no bottles present. he had a massive hangover, and the sun was shining way too brightly. with that thought he gets up from the massive bed -not without having to steady himself first- walks over to the curtains and snaps the white fabric shut. alex walks back over to the bed wordlessly, sitting down in the spot he occupied before, an awkward silence taking over them.

they didn't know what to say. there was so much, but neither could decide what there was to discuss first. sorry? no, they both obviously enjoyed it last night, based on the scratch marks he had on his back and the hickey's she had all over her body. but they should say sorry right? but what were they sorry for? cheating on their partners? definitely, but what good would come out of telling each other that and not their spouses? none. were they sorry that they cheated and enjoyed it, even if neither could remember it? were they sorry for the fact that they had done it? were they sorry that they had a role in the act of adultery? an apology to the other would be useless.  

but for some reason, the silence hanging over them- albeit awkward- was comforting in a way. there was a level of understanding between the two, whether it be for the whole cheating thing, or for something else, they didn't know. all they did know was that it was there.

brooke suddenly begins to feel nauseous, the events of last night and the guilt finally catching up to her. she makes a mad dash for the bathroom and can barely make it to the toilet before she's puking her guts out.

after a few heaves she feels her hair being pulled back from her face, making her jump the slightest bit, but ultimately rests and begins to spill the contents of her stomach once more.

alex collects the brunette's hair in his hand as he tentatively rubs a hand on her back, watching as her body jerks from leaning over the bowl again and again. he felt bad, is all he could really say. he had no idea why he was holding a woman he didn't knows hair as she got rid of what seemed to be half of her body weight, other than the fact that he felt bad. he felt he owed it to this girl, to do the least bit of a kind thing.

the guilt of cheating on izzie was huge, but combined with the fact that he also helped this girl cheat on her husband only seemed to add gas to the flame.

after a few minutes of brooke puking her guts out she flushes the toilet and leans down against the cold tile of the bathroom floor, making alex let go of her hair as it sprawls out all around her like a fan. she bites her bottom lip, not having the energy quite yet to sit up and rinse out her mouth with water. she swallows the large lump in her throat, trying to keep the tears in her eye at bay. "i've only been married for three months."

the man nods, licking his lips as he lets out a sigh, running a hand through his short hair. "i've only been married for two."

god, he felt like shit. he felt like complete and utter shit. he thought he was past it, the cheating and not being loyal. but here he was, in boston, waking up next to a woman he didn't know. he cheated on his wife. his wife who was just starting to get better. the wife who had cancer, the wife who had just lost her best friend not even a month and a half ago. and to repay her, he goes ahead and cheats on her? he feels worthless, stupid. like he was the little seven year old fat kid who was getting yelled at by his dad for being a waste of space.

"fuck." he groans, burying his head in his hands.

brooke nods, she felt it too. sure, paul had been acting a bit different lately, more possessive, more controlling, but it was only because he loved her. that was no reason to go and cheat on him. he gave her everything, a nice house, nice clothes, a large meal on the diner table every night. and this is how she repays him? cheating on him while at a medical conference, too drunk to even remember it? she was a horrible wife.

~*~

"lost a couple of pieces when i carried it, carried it, carried it home."

~*~

"it was only a one time thing."

____

i promise you, it was only supposed to happen once. i swear. it was something that was going to be pushed into the back of their minds, buried deep so they would never have to think of it again. it would be a long forgotten memory that would fade away as time went on, eventually becoming something that would become a minuscule blur. it wasn't supposed to happen again.

but it did.

____

at first, the memories from the night before came back to her slowly, starting at first in tiny little flickers, like a light switch turning on and off.

on.

and off.

on.

and off.

on.

off.

on.

off.

on.

off.

it was mainly just her remembering bits of their drunken conversation at the hotel's bar. she was able to remember laughing. there was a lot of laughing. and... tears? oh, her fake ones. she used the fake tears on him. weird... but alright. there was talking to each other, lots of talking about only god knows what.

then it was flirty glances. it was her, an occasional peer over her vodka tonic as she sips it, using the tiny colorful straw to swallow. it was him, keeping his eyes locked on hers as he downs his beer or occasional shot of tequila with ease. she didn't know how long it took for them to get to how drunk they were, but she was guessing a few beers and a fair amount of shots.

then it was the way he pulled her into the hotel room, dragging her by the hand as she had to jog to keep up with his drunken speed. she feels the explosion of fireworks go off in her body, not missing the way their hands fit together so easily as they stumbled down the hall.

once they're both inside the room they waste no time in attacking each other's lips. as soon as she feels his lips on hers she lets out a moan, giving him the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth, which he gladly takes. his hands glide down from her back, one resting on her hip and the other right above her ass.

and then... everything came back.

the way he's skimming his thumb over her skin makes her feel like a fire was set to her skin, suddenly finding the heat to be too much. without pulling away from his lips she tugs at his shirt, hoping to god that he would know what she wanted him to do. thankfully he does, and he starts to pull it over his head, tossing it aimlessly behind him somewhere. the feeling of his lips being away from hers for too long makes her reach back up to him and wrap her arms around his neck and pull him down to her, which he responds to just as eagerly. somehow the heat radiating off him turned her fire like skin to a blazing flame.

she feels his hands roam her back once more, eventually coming across the zipper, stopping his lips motions for just a moment, silently asking if it was okay to continue. she gives him a small nod before pressing her mouth to his once again, feeling the way her body practically melts as his right hand unzips the dress smoothly, making it fall to a puddle at her feet. she steps out of the shoes and the dress, making her realize she was shorter than him then she anticipated.

she presses her body tightly up against his, roaming the man's bare chest as he makes his way down her neck, attacking it with needy kisses, biting and nibbling at spots that made her tremble. when he feels her shiver over a certain area he blows on it, his cool breath making her nearly collapse onto her knees. he decides to tease her more, gliding his tongue over the spot before sucking on it mercilessly.

"oh god." she moans, gripping at the man's biceps as she furiously tries to regain her breath. since when the hell had that spot been there? why had she never known it was there before?

she wasn't sure how long he spent painfully teasing when she finally pulls away breathless, determination shining brightly in her eyes, clouded by a gaze of what could only be described as pure lust. "bed. now." she demands, her voice out of breath.

he smirks before lifting her up like she was as light as a feather as she wraps her legs around his waist, giving her the advantage point of being higher than him as she swoops down and captures his lips in hers. his tongue explores her mouth like it was a desert he couldn't get enough of as she runs her nails up and down his chest, causing him to let out a deep groan into her mouth, making a whole new wave a pleasure wash over her as the vibrations ring throughout her body.

somewhere along the way they find their tongues in a furious battle, fighting for dominance. his tongue eventually wins, her moans making it harder and harder to fight and succeed. he tosses her onto the bed effortlessly, not missing the way she lets out a small giggle as she bounces up and down a few times, his eyes roaming over her near naked figure like she was the finest work of art he'd ever seen.

and from there on is where she loses any ounce of the small amount of control she had left. the way his hands unclasp her bra and slides down her panties effortlessly, his eyes looking over at her each time to make sure she wanted him to continue. the way he holds her gaze as he does so, making her shiver and ache all over.

it was the way he kissed every single inch of her naked body mercilessly, making her squirm and moan, the teasing just becoming too much for her to handle.

it was the way he made her feel a pleasure she had never felt before, caressing her, kissing her, nibbling on her collarbone, forcing her to bite her lips before she could scream out.

it was the way her cries of pleasure filled the quiet space alongside his groans as they moved together, barely ever letting go of the hold on each other's lips, as if everything would shatter around them if they were to break their lustful contact.

it was the way she feels her nails claw at his back as she presses her shoulder blades into the bed underneath her, while he never fails to make her gasp as he does things to her she didn't even know were possible.  

it was the way how at the end of it all, he held her so comfortingly, so... lovingly. like she was the only thing that mattered in the world. she nuzzled up against his chest as he wrapped an arm around her waist. one hand found its way onto his slightly sweaty chest and the other somewhere in his short hair. she turns her body towards him, finding a way for her to get more comfortable as she begins to drift off, just like the man next to her.

____

for him, it was too much. remembering the night before was like torture. pure 'burn in hell and feed to me to wolves' torture.

he had had good sex before. and great sex, hell, even amazing sex, but last night? last night was the best sex he'd ever had, and that was wrong in more ways than he or the dictionary could describe.

the way they moved together, like it was a dance that they had practiced and practiced time and time again until it was perfection. the way she made him feel...

alive.

never before had he ever felt so alive. and of course, he felt the shame, the enormous amount of shame that was coursing through him at the thought of this woman, making him feel things he had never felt before. he's able to remember feeling intoxicated, but not by the alcohol, no, by her. her breaths, her moans, her gasps of pure ecstasy. it was like last night, she was a drug he just couldn't get enough of, no matter how much of it he took.

he wants to stop these feelings.

he wants to create a magic switch that would simply turn all of his sexual feelings off. everything would be so much easier.  

but he blames it on the alcohol. he tells himself it's just because he was drunk off his ass. because, sex was always better when you're drunk right? right.

just remembering the sounds she made caused him to feel hot. the way his skin brushed on her's, which seemed like it was made of silk...

stop.

he couldn't do this. he was married. very married. to a woman he loved more than life itself. and she was married too, to a man he supposed she loved more than life itself.

what they did was wrong. so, so wrong. ethically, morally, whatever kind of 'ally' word there was wrong.

but last night didn't feel wrong at all. in fact... all it felt was right.

so that's why, at the end of the night, they had found themselves in another breathtaking kiss, letting their inner fires burn with a passion they never even knew they held before.

~*~

"i'm still fixing all the cracks"

~*~

"yeah. fuck."

____

the two sit in silence for god know how long. now matter how many times they go over it in their minds, it's still unbelievable to them, they cheated on their spouses. who the hell does that? who simply decides that who they married wasn't worth it and screws the first person they find attractive once they're alone? horrible people, that's who, and that's what they felt like right now. horrible freaking people.

at this point they weren't even sure why they were still in the room together. maybe it was the fact that they could dwell in their acts of adultery together, maybe they just found the presence of the other just enough to fill the void of loneliness that had never seemed to leave them, no matter what they did or who they were with. all they knew was that simply sitting there, on the cold tile floor multiple feet apart, made what they did a little more bearable for themselves, seeing the other look just as miserable about it as they did.

"we're horrible people." brooke mutters, mustering up the courage to sit and stand up groggily from her fetal position on the floor. she turns on the faucet and ducks her head under it, collecting the water in her mouth before swishing it around and then spitting it into the sink, leaving her mouth to feel much better than it did before, thanks to the fact that remnants of beer and tequila no longer seemed to coat the roof of her tongue and mouth.

"yeah, we are." alex agrees. it was the first time the girl had truly listened to him speak, and he had a deep voice, a bit of a gruffness behind it, but that might just be because of the hangover. she takes a good look at the guy, since she didn't have the opportunity to earlier.

he only had on a pair of boxers before he entered the bathroom and was currently the same now, but other than that he was completely bare. he was well built with a six pack and nice arm muscles. his eyes were a dark brown with a hint of green, and he had a sharp jawline. his hair was cut short, and he had a barely-there stubble on his face. a shiny gold wedding band sat on his left ring finger, which he fiddled with unconsciously.

brooke opens and closes her mouth a few times, nothing seeming to come out for a good minute. "did- did we think that we were our partners? maybe?" she suggests lamely, not missing the way the guy she now knew as alex scanned over her briefly.

"definitely not." he mutters, huffing out a breath as he leans back against the wall, one knee to his chest as the other lays straight out in front of him. "my wife is tall, blonde, and has dark brown eyes. you're like... the complete opposite of her."

"sounds like a model." brooke mumbles, a small smile on her face, attempting to crack a joke to ease the situation. oh who the fuck was she kidding? there was no way to ease this situation.

"she was. in med school, i mean. did a bunch of bethany whisper stuff." alex shrugs, missing the way the girl's jaw practically drops.

"damn." she mutters. she looks at alex a bit more, squinting her eyes at him, which doesn't go unnoticed by the man.

he turns and looks sharply at her, "what?" he gruffs out, trying his best to intimidate the younger woman, but to his surprise she doesn't even flinch. it was like she was used to sudden behavior changes.

brooke lips her lips, trying her best to form her thoughts as complete sentences. "you don't even really, i mean- you don't look like my husband... you just- look like my type." she settles on.

alex smirks the slightest bit, "your type?" he teases lightly, making fun of the way she sounded a bit like a middle school girl gossiping about the new boy in the english class.

she glares at him, "shut up."

she wasn't lying though, the man was her type. and by her type she meant dark hair and dark eyes. but she supposed that also meant over half of the male population, so she wouldn't consider him all that special.

alex chuckles softly, not trying to make his headache any worse than it was. he peers through the bathroom doorway, glancing at the clock on the hotel's nightstand, doing a double take after he turns around for a second time, hoping he was just seeing things wrong.

"shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit." he curses out, abruptly standing up from his place on the floor, pulling brooke up with him. she lets out a groan in protest at the quick moment, but ultimately makes her way back into the room.

alex starts shoving on his jeans, looking at brooke as he does so. "you're here for the pre-med conference right?" he asks, making her nod.

"well, so am i, and my mentor needs me to help her with her speech and all that crap at nine thirty, and right now it's nine eighteen. and she goes on at nine forty-five" he says, making her nod. she still didn't quite get why that involved her though.

noticing her confusion he speaks up, "my mentor is arizona robbins." he says simply, making the girl go wide eyed.

"holy shit." she whispers. no way in hell would she wouldn't go to a lecture by the arizona robbins, who was practically a pediatric surgeon god.  

alex nods, "yeah, and i'm guessing you don't want to miss that." he states, making the girl bob her head up and down.

"y-yeah, thank you." she stutters out, going to her suitcase and quickly grabbing an outfit while she internally thanks the universe that they ended up back in her room at the end of the night and not his.

she hears the door to the hotel room open and him start to leave, before the footsteps stop, causing her to turn around. "i just want to say..." he trails off, ignoring his internal arguments from earlier, "i'm sorry. i'm really sorry, and if this is making you feel even half as guilty as i am... then i'm even more sorry." he says sympathetically, not missing the way her eyes fill with tears.

"don't be." she whispers, watching as the man nods and shuts the door behind him.

it was then she started to let the tears fall.

god, guilty.

that's all she was able to feel.

she felt guilty that she cheated on her husband. she felt guilty that she helped the man cheat on his wife. she felt guilty that she found the man she cheated with attractive. she felt guilty that alex apologized for what happened as if it was his fault. because it was her fault right? that's what paul would say.

he would say that it was her fault, which... it made sense that it was right? right. because that's what paul would say. she learned not to question him over the past year, the look in his eyes that he got when she would say something 'wrong' was a bit scary to her, but she shrugged it off every time, since the little flame always disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

but the guilt. oh, it was horrible. it was coursing through her veins like a rapid river, having no sense of direction as it splashed inside of brooke, coating her skin and organs in its treacherous layer of pain.

who knew feeling guilty could be so painful? she didn't. she had no idea what to do. was she supposed to tell paul? to tell her husband that she broke their sacred vows after only being married for three months? she loved him, oh, she loved him so much. he was so charming and sweet and looked at her like she was a beautiful rose, blooming fresh out of the ground. how was she supposed to let the man she loved know that she cheated? gone would be the way he looked at her like the reddest rose in the garden, and instead he would look at her like she had just told him that his father had died. no, she couldn't do that.

maybe it was selfish, actually, she knew it was selfish. because telling him would only be a way to make herself feel less guilty, but at the same time, not telling him was also selfish. it would be selfish in the way that she didn't want to see him hurt. how could she bear to see him hurt? after everything, she couldn't hurt him. he gave her food, a house, nice clothes, gifts, love. he gave her everything, she couldn't hurt him.

so she decided then, paul wouldn't know. it would be a secret, a secret that she knew for a fact would eat her up alive, but she knew it would be better than telling him. he'd been getting angrier lately, and she knew it was probably just a phase, but it was a phase she wasn't really liking much so far. she assumed that that's what happened after you get married. you are finally able to show all of the good, the bad, and the ugly. but it's okay, she can deal with a bit of ugly. that's what marriage is for anyways, sticking by your partner through everything.

she shakes it off. no matter how badly she felt, paul couldn't know. it was a one time thing. it would never happen again. she would never see this man again. it was a one time thing.

____

alex karev walked out of the room with his head down low, focusing on leather shoes he spent a crap ton of money on. he felt guilty. his wife had cancer and was currently in remission, and all he can do is go off and screw someone.

but he felt guilty for cheating on his wife, and for finding the woman that he cheated with hot. that was the worst feeling of all. that after everything she was just as attractive to him as she would've been if he wasn't married. how messed up was that?

he wasn't this guy anymore. he had hardly looked any other woman's way since he had been with izzie. how could he? she was perfect. she was beautiful and kind and funny. and he loved her. so how could he just throw all that away like it was nothing?

but he knew he couldn't tell her. she didn't deserve the pain that it would bring her. she had been through enough in her life. she had just beat cancer for god's sake, with a five percent chance of survival! she was so fucking strong. he admired izzie. she fought like hell and she pulled through. she didn't deserve to take another hit. especially not one front the husband who promised to love her and stay loyal to her through everything.

for better or worse. in sickness and in health. thats what the vows were right? so why the hell couldn't he do one god damn thing in his life right? why couldn't he keep the most important promise to the woman he loved? was he really that screwed up? was he really that terrible? why did he always have to screw himself out of everything good? and this time, he literally screwed himself out of it.

alex shrugs off his thoughts as he makes his way to his room on the seventh floor, quickly taking a shower and brushing his teeth, styling his hair to the best of his ability with the small amount of gel he had left, he made a mental note to pick some up when he got back to seattle. he made sure to use extra deodorant and the tiniest hint of a cologne he had for special occasions, the last thing he needed was robbins smelling any leftover alcohol on him. he would never get on her good side then.

he changes into a pair of black slacks and a button up white shirt. he tries to put on a dark blue tie but ultimately gives up after a multitude of half assed attempts, shoving it into his pocket gruffly. usually meredith did them for him.

he grumbles something incoherently under his breath as he grabs his phone from his nightstand, where he plugged it into charge a few minutes before. he shoves the device into his pocket as he makes his way out the door, immediately bumping into the last person he wanted to see at the moment.

"karev!" arizona chirps, her voice not only happy and cheerful, but loud too, making alex internally wince. he didn't need more loud noises right now, he had just popped a couple of aspirins and was still waiting for them to kick in.

but still, he forces a crooked half smile, "hey robbins." alex knew he needed to be on her good side. he had been getting really interested in peds lately, but arizona didn't think he would be good in it, meaning she was still skeptical. but he loved it. it was so... intense. and hardcore. heartbreaking, at times, of course. nothing was worse than losing a child patient, but that only made the successes that much more valuable.

with peds, he felt something. he liked to get to know his patients and make up random handshakes with them. but he didn't like kids though. don't think he did. he definitely didn't. he just admired those kids in the peds ward. they were all fighters in a fun sized package, and don't even get him started on the babies in the NICU.

those were the hardest fighters in the hospital, no question there. these tiny little lives battled so hard, they fought their absolute hardest from the second they were born, and for that, he had to admire them. how could he not?

the point was that he needed robbins to like him. actually, he really needed robbins to like him, because she was the best, and he wanted to learn from the best. he would do everything he possibly could to make sure he became the surgeon he wanted to be, the surgeon he left iowa to be. he practically had to beg robbins to let him join her, but that was okay, he didn't mind. he was determined. normally a fellow would be chosen to do lectures like these, but the blonde decided that she wanted to have a resident come with her this time, since they had been in med-school no too long ago. she wanted someone who could still relate to the pupils on a personal level.

arizona takes a glance over at him, her eyes narrowing at him a bit, "you look like crap." she deadpans.

alex purses his lips and runs a hand through his hair, temporarily forgetting that he had gel in it, which causes his finger to get stuck in a strand, making him wince as he pulls it through. "didn't sleep too well."

which was a lie. which made him feel guilty. he didn't necessarily feel guilty about lie, he felt guilty that his lie wasn't true. which he supposed, was the point of a lie... but still. the truth was, he couldn't remember the last time he had slept that well.

he shakes off his thoughts, thanking the universe the arizona looked to believe him and gives him a nod of understanding before she rattles on about her speech.

it was a one time thing. it would never happen again. he would never see this woman again. it was a one time thing.