#jokko

To my first love, Happy birthday, I won't be officially greeting you today since I am still trying to heal the scars that you did not intentionally inflict on me. I won't be viewing my social media accounts today because I know that lots of people will be greeting you today. I miss you, my memories of you. I do not know you anymore and I honestly never did and my mind never fails to remind me that I confessed to you. I do not know what you are like now, nor what you like doing now. Besides from the numerous partying, the occasional smoking, I have not heard a word from you. Maybe it's because that you really don't like me at all, but if the choices I had made in my life have been the complete opposite, maybe, I could have. Time ticks faster when it's you I think about. And everything becomes an abstract painting of mysteriousness, sucking all my thoughts and forcing it to become yours. I do not know what you are like now because I never have. But one thing is for sure. It's that I have loved you first. We will be seeing each other in a few days and only God knows what could and would happen. I wish that I was given a bit more time to prepare for all of this. I wish you won't attend the birthday. I wish you won't acknowledge me because I'm scared of what could happen. I'm scared of everything because I know you can't love me back. You can't love me like her. You can't love me because you I can't force you to. Maybe I won't try anymore, maybe I will. I won't try to meet your expectations because this new me has been through war and I've learned that the only expectations I should be aiming for are my own. Like how snsd is trying to erase Jessica from their history I will do the same to you, but it will still be there, it will be there, and a small part of me will always love you. Happy 18th birthday