#jokes.com

we developed powerful teeth and jaws to rend the flesh of the devious sourdough loaf

there’s a moment between switching into warmer clothes from the clothes you already have on where you put on the new clothes and they’re actually colder because they don’t have your body heat yet & you wonder if you’re doing the right thing by putting on this cold object. but if you just push through? it becomes warm. #saturdaywisdom

they should invent a life worth livin— [touches my earpiece] wait what do you mean i have to do that for myself. that can’t be right

if the weapon forged against me is cool as fuck i may deign to allow it to prosper

the thing about having snacks is if you buy any snack you’d think that’d be enough. but no. if you don’t have the right kind of snack when you want a snack then you’re fucked