#johnterry

This has nothing to do with the actual movie, but I feel like I was deceived when I was recommended Hawk the Slayer. I only special ordered the DVD (for what I would consider an exorbitant price) to show it at my annual "Good Movie, Good Bad Movie" Star Wars-themed get-together. While there are a few visual similarities, if you want to see a fantasy film with an uncannily resemblance to a certain galaxy far, far away, go with Eragon instead.

When the wicked Voltan (Jack Pallance) kills his father, the “last elven mind stone” is given to his younger brother, Hawk (John Terry). Along with a band of heroes that includes the dwarf Baldin (Peter O'Farrell), a giant named Gort (Bernard Bresslaw), the elvish archer Crow (Ray Charleson), and an elderly fighter who lost a hand to Voltan (Morgan Sheppard as Ranulf) he attempts to save a kidnapped nun (Annette Crosbie) from the clutches of the evil lord.

I thought I had seen it all when it came to cheap special effects, but Hawk the Slayer takes the cake. I’ve reviewed movies that didn’t even have the money for blood or dummies, but those were horror/thrillers. They weren’t trying to pull off Lord of the Rings. Hawk the Slayer is fun when you witness the desperate and fully earnest attempts it makes to be epic. Bouncy balls are used to represent magic blasts. You have to see it to believe it and it gets even cheaper and less convincing later on. There isn’t even a crazy-looking cheapo monster for our heroes to fight. Even Red Sonja had a mechanical sea serpent!

The characters are one-dimensional, dull - and often idiotic. From nuns who believe they can bargain with village-pillaging armies, to Hawk’s men who run away from fights despite having just butchered no less than 50 opponents without a single casualty, something's off the whole way through. Our heroes are so stoic and interchangeable you can only tell them apart by their looks, which are ripped out of the most basic Dungeons & Dragons campaign.

This screenplay is one of the poorest I’ve slogged through in a long time. Characters appear and become integral components to the story so quickly you feel like you missed an entire film’s worth of adventures and character development. The plot plays out predictably until an ending that makes you say “so… is there going to be a sequel? Seems like there are a lot of loose ends that need to be tied up”.

I bounced between exasperation and uncontrollable laughter. When this film is hilarious, it beats most of the comedies I’ve seen. Crow has so few lines and speaks in such a monotonous, uninterested tone you will swear he’s a robot. I can’t think of anyone that’s actually “good” in the film, save perhaps for Baldin the wisecracking dwarf who actually has a personality. Too bad the lobotomized tree sloth who edited this adventure makes him disappear whenever there is a big battle. Not that they could've been salvaged by someone with talent, mind you.

Also enjoyable is the loony, out-of-place, and simultaneously awesome soundtrack. If you don't make at least one silly dance during Hawk the Slayer, there's a dark shadow where your soul should be.

People in 1980 must have been truly desperate for entertainment if director Terry Marcel was able to convince ITC Entertainment to release this picture to the public and for it to gain enough traction to become a cult classic. Well, that last part might not be so unbelievable. I didn’t enjoy the film as much as I could have because I keep expecting some Darth Vaders and Storm Trooper knock-offs. That’s what I wanted to see.

I can’t recommend Hawk the Slayer if you’re paying $35 as I did but if you get a bunch of buddies to pitch in for drinks and buy a copy on VHS for cheap, or collectively special order it, it’s a great time for all the wrong reasons. (On DVD, November 20, 2015)

2005/06 Premier League champions!

It was always going to be an emotional day, JT's last appearance at Stamford Bridge, his home for so many years. In many ways the game was incidental, both sides having accomplished their respective destinies, so nothing riding on the outcome except a small matter of the Golden Gloves for Thibaut Courtois and a record 30 wins out of a possible 38 in a Premier League season. We were there for the trophy presentation and the celebrations, but let the game commence.

In team news, apart from the one distinguished exception, a tried and trusted lineup were getting a final run out before our FA Cup final; Courtois in goal, protected by the phenomenal Azpilicueta, David Luiz and captain, leader, legend JT. With Moses and Alonso on the flanks, we had Kante and Fabregas holding the midfield. Up front, Willian and Hazard with Costa the target man. On the bench were Begovic, Cahill, Zouma, Matic, Chalobah, Pedro and Batshuayi.

Sunderland clearly hadn't read the script and took the lead after just 3 minutes, Manquillo the fortunate recipient of the loose ball following a free kick that bounced off the wall and into space where he couldn't miss. But nothing was going to spoil our party and we all felt pretty relaxed about it with plenty of time left to play.

And it wasn't long until equilibrium was restored, a free kick that saw Alonso clatter the woodwork and following a series of side to side passing, trying to find any gap in that red and white wall, it was Willian who decided he'd had enough of the farting about and blasted the ball at keeper Pickford and through into the back of the net at his near post. Right, let's start again....

We were all over them, shooting practice and fancy football the order of the day. And JT was itching to get on the score sheet as a succession of corners and attacks on their goal involved our club captain as he looked to turn his swan song into that fairy tale ending. But it wasn't to be this week as the inevitability of his departure finally arrived; Costa ushering (bullying) Pickford to kick the ball out of play as we approached 26 minutes on the clock.

With hugs and tears all round, JT, an ever present for so many years, so much achieved by our beloved Chelsea since he made his debut over 700 appearances ago, left the pitch through a guard of honour formed by his teammates, as the appreciative applause reverberated around the whole stadium. A moment to cherish. He was eventually substituted by Gary Cahill as the captain's armband was ceremonially exchanged.

Back to the game, and we continued to dominate, continued to look to take the lead as we worked the ball upfield, while all the Sunderland lads could do was chase our boys around the pitch. But our Diego didn't much like the close attentions of O'Shea (and who would) getting into a bit of a scrap that held the game up for what seemed like an age while the ref Neil Swarbrick sorted them out. Load of handbags!

A frustrating first half, we should have been in a commanding lead but we went in 1-1 at the break.

+ The End of an Era

1998 - 2017 John Terry will leave Chelsea FC at the end of the season.

What an amazing career - 22 years, 713 appearances, 66 goals, 14 major honours. Most goals from an any EPL defender.

Above is a tribute from Frank Lampard that best encapsulates the player and man.

We have all been very fortunate to witness an era of Lampard, Drogba, Cech and Terry. Forever grateful for what our captain John Terry has brought to our club. Take a bow, a legend of the game and the Chelsea Football Club.