#hawktheslayer

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Magic Hula Hoops.

This has nothing to do with the actual movie, but I feel like I was deceived when I was recommended Hawk the Slayer. I only special ordered the DVD (for what I would consider an exorbitant price) to show it at my annual "Good Movie, Good Bad Movie" Star Wars-themed get-together. While there are a few visual similarities, if you want to see a fantasy film with an uncannily resemblance to a certain galaxy far, far away, go with Eragon instead.

When the wicked Voltan (Jack Pallance) kills his father, the “last elven mind stone” is given to his younger brother, Hawk (John Terry). Along with a band of heroes that includes the dwarf Baldin (Peter O'Farrell), a giant named Gort (Bernard Bresslaw), the elvish archer Crow (Ray Charleson), and an elderly fighter who lost a hand to Voltan (Morgan Sheppard as Ranulf) he attempts to save a kidnapped nun (Annette Crosbie) from the clutches of the evil lord.

I thought I had seen it all when it came to cheap special effects, but Hawk the Slayer takes the cake. I’ve reviewed movies that didn’t even have the money for blood or dummies, but those were horror/thrillers. They weren’t trying to pull off Lord of the Rings. Hawk the Slayer is fun when you witness the desperate and fully earnest attempts it makes to be epic. Bouncy balls are used to represent magic blasts. You have to see it to believe it and it gets even cheaper and less convincing later on. There isn’t even a crazy-looking cheapo monster for our heroes to fight. Even Red Sonja had a mechanical sea serpent!

The characters are one-dimensional, dull - and often idiotic. From nuns who believe they can bargain with village-pillaging armies, to Hawk’s men who run away from fights despite having just butchered no less than 50 opponents without a single casualty, something's off the whole way through. Our heroes are so stoic and interchangeable you can only tell them apart by their looks, which are ripped out of the most basic Dungeons & Dragons campaign.

This screenplay is one of the poorest I’ve slogged through in a long time. Characters appear and become integral components to the story so quickly you feel like you missed an entire film’s worth of adventures and character development. The plot plays out predictably until an ending that makes you say “so… is there going to be a sequel? Seems like there are a lot of loose ends that need to be tied up”.

I bounced between exasperation and uncontrollable laughter. When this film is hilarious, it beats most of the comedies I’ve seen. Crow has so few lines and speaks in such a monotonous, uninterested tone you will swear he’s a robot. I can’t think of anyone that’s actually “good” in the film, save perhaps for Baldin the wisecracking dwarf who actually has a personality. Too bad the lobotomized tree sloth who edited this adventure makes him disappear whenever there is a big battle. Not that they could've been salvaged by someone with talent, mind you.

Also enjoyable is the loony, out-of-place, and simultaneously awesome soundtrack. If you don't make at least one silly dance during Hawk the Slayer, there's a dark shadow where your soul should be.

People in 1980 must have been truly desperate for entertainment if director Terry Marcel was able to convince ITC Entertainment to release this picture to the public and for it to gain enough traction to become a cult classic. Well, that last part might not be so unbelievable. I didn’t enjoy the film as much as I could have because I keep expecting some Darth Vaders and Storm Trooper knock-offs. That’s what I wanted to see.

I can’t recommend Hawk the Slayer if you’re paying $35 as I did but if you get a bunch of buddies to pitch in for drinks and buy a copy on VHS for cheap, or collectively special order it, it’s a great time for all the wrong reasons. (On DVD, November 20, 2015)

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

During his teenage years, Casper took a dark turn becoming Casper the Goth Ghost.

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

This is why you never leave the castle doors open. You get swarms of magic marbles.

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand… NO!

Hawk the Slayer (1980)

“Bleh.” Dead.