#johnrants

Frank Mental Health Post: Please skip if you need to tend to your own! \o/

Many of you noticed that I am using Women of Xal’s Early Access to weigh in how much extra content I should cut to finish production once and for all. If you’ve played the game, you’ve seen how borderline overwhelming the amount of options there are already. The Kickstarter has NOTHING on the sheer scope of the full game. 

Xuna’s mansion becoming a pretty castle in the sky was perhaps the most fitting bit of real-life foreshadowing I have ever done in my life. Period.

The Kickstarter made its goal of $10k. If I had stuck to the Bare Necessities and focused squarely on the narrative experience and budget over anything else, the costs would never have reached an additional $40k of my own money. If I didn’t absolutely loathe the thought of having a project like this, helmed by me, being a completely linear experience, this project could have been out years earlier. If I had put a bit more restraint on my ambitious side, maybe I wouldn’t have lost so many connections. But maybes and what ifs are for fleeting reflections and bettering oneself. Not for a mental health status. However, it does perfectly lead to this project, me, and you.

The fact of the matter is, I absolutely did put my all into this production, fought through otherwise debilitating depression to write “just a bit” more, worked retail at crazy hours and maddening weather to afford stuff that may or may not show in the final build, ignored my health to further my ambition if cash wasn’t specifically given to me to tend to it, ect. The fact is, it happened, and I sustained this mindset ever since the Kickstarter concluded. And I’m so incredibly tired of putting so much into the same project.

That’s why this particular month is what will dictate the future and end of this journey. If Early Access goes well both critically and financially, we charge full speed with several of the extra content in mind (and not just potential future DLC). If the universe wills to test me further, we charge full speed to hit the middle: Far more than what the Kickstarter promised, but far less than what I personally wanted.

Long story concluded? I’m so incredibly tired. I’m sure my staff are tired too. I want to enjoy other things again, spend more time with friends, maybe explore the polyamorous lifestyle I always could but never seriously did, start new projects again - oh good Dhaj new projects, make that gay OnlyFans page, make a sequel to my musicals and Personatale! (Persona x Undertale mashup)

The fact I haven’t been, the fact that no semi-large/ large project has been started or finished since Women of Xal, the loss of money, health, friends, and almost some of my patient and loving family; the fact that I don’t know what an anxiety/panic attack or a mental breakdown feels like, but probably the closest to reaching one than I ever have in my life? Yeah, enough is enough. 

The month of August 2021 will prove if this was all financially worth it. If it wasn’t, it’s not your fault, readers. It will never be. The fault 100% lies with me. I am 200% aware of that. You have all done wonderfully and have treated me even more so. I can’t thank you all enough. The onus of success falls on me and those who willingly jump on this ship to share the responsibility with me. You just all deserve to hear why I may not be able to bring you the cool little extras, you know?

Thanks for reading,

Alright I’ve heard this enough and I’m tired and bitter listen up. I’m aware that there are people that have it worse than me. I have privilege. I’m white. *But that doesn’t mean that I am suddenly perfectly fine because you’ve pointed this out* Cause guess what. It’s not my environment making me depressed and making me hate myself. Its the chemicals in my brain that i can’t control.