I’m not, I swear... I can’t be
~johnlock, teenlock, eating disorder warning~
Sherlock Holmes was many things, rude, brilliant, antisocial, the list went on and on but anorexic was not on it, the very though sent the raven haired boy, in a pool of dizzy. No body part would work right as only one thought raced through his mind like a broken record player. No I'm not.
The word anorexic had the ability to make Sherlock question everything, but the calories, the foods, the sugars and the fats, the could skin the boy alive and then throw his body into a fire.
A small number, that was all it took before Sherlock had fallen into a pit of madness, His stomachs doing flips at the thought of fat slowly building up along his hips, his head spinning, feet staggering around in attempt to regain his balance. All that damage caused from one simple glance at the foods packaging.
He should stop he knew it wasn't right, that the girl next door didn't do it, or the boy a few blocks down the street, but he couldn't help it. It was second nature to look for the calories of any food that he was considering eating, a bad habit that he couldn't break. A bad habit that he wasn't sure he wanted to break.
"Sherlock, johns waiting for you"
Sherlock looked up from the box of raisins that he held tightly, fingers shaking at the thought of the dried fruit rolling down his throat. he forced his fingers to detach from the cardboard box replacing it with the familiar fabric of his backpack strap. he choked a good bye to his mother as he walked through the living room, fear rolling off his body in waves. His steps quickened as the front door came into view, the relief of no longer having to be in the same room as is mother begging to take over.
it wasn't that sherlock didn't like his mother, it was more the fear. the fear that if she looked at him for a second to long, or at the wrong spot she would know. She would learn about all the meals that sherlock had missed, all the cotton he had forced down his throat to make sure he wouldn't get hungry and all the bones that poked out from under his soft pale skin. The very thought of his mother finding out made him want to bend over and throw up the water that filled his stomach
He couldn't help but smile, as his blond boyfriend appeared from behind the wooden door. john stood resting casually against the fence, a jacket hanging loosely around his body, backpack hanging from his shoulder. john could take sherlocks breath away every time without fail, no mater how he stood or what he wore. john made sherlocks heart and mind melt, and he loved it.
The crisp air floated around them, biting at any exposed skin, forcing them to tighten there coats in attempt to stay warm. Cars drove by them quickly, gas smoke covering up the smoke that came from the boys chapped lips.
"Are you coming to my football game tonight? I know it's not really your thing but..."
The curly haired boy felt light headed, every step he took sent his head spinning in different directions. Black and white spots dancing across his vision threatening to consume him at any moment, the noise of the traffic ringing in his ears. One thought raged through his mind, consuming him whole, and taking over every muscle that he had.
"Yah- yah of course I'll be there"
He staggered to the left, his hand becoming cold as he lost johns grip, the world taking a drastic tilt to the right as he staggered again. "Sherlock, are you okay" For a moment he thought he was okay, the world had balanced out and he could breath properly, until his vision began to slowly go black, as if he was closing his eyes.
With one last attempt to speak everything went black
Sherlock stayed still, muscle begging for him to move but he couldn't, he couldn't bring himself to open his eyes, to show that he was awake. He couldn't bare to see the white hospital room that he knew he would be laying in, he couldn't see the worried stares of his mother, or feel the disapproval that would be radiating off his brothers, or john. Oh John what would he be thinking.
Would his blue eyes, shine with concern or disgust, would he be wondering why he dated such a freak. Sherlock began to feel panicked, his thoughts becoming to loud to sit through.
The blond teen cried as Sherlock slowly opened his eyes, groaning as a headache began to pound from behind his eyes.
Through his fuzzy vision Sherlock could see john rush over to him, kneeling beside the bed. He ran a hand through Sherlocks curls, brushing his dark hair to the side. Tears of relief rolled down the blinds face, splattering across the bed sheets.
"Oh Sherlock" he felt john plant a quick kiss on his forehead, "I thought I lost you, Sherlock I thought I lost you"
Sherlock looked away from john and towards his wrist, the boys pain to much to take. A needle had been pierced through his pale skin and then taped down, no doubt providing the nutrients that he hadn't been consuming himself.
He shifted his wrist to get johns attention, hoping that he would pull it out for him. He could feel it going through his veins, bringing fat to his skin, and roundness to his rib and bone stomach.
"sherls you know i cant do that, you need the nutrients" sherlock watched, wide eyed in horror as john stood up, soft creaks coming from the floor as he stepped away from the cot. "i'm going to tell the doctor that you're awake, i'll only be a few seconds"
the curly haired boy wanted to jump from his spot and chase down his boyfriend, he wanted to cry for john to stay by his side, yet no matter how much he wanted to stop john from leaving, he couldn't. All sherlock could do was watch helplessly as john left, the side of his pale face tingling from where johns hand had touched, a feeling of emptiness now floating around the small room.
he stared at the door, mind blank and body numb, until john returned, no doctor with him to sherlocks joy. the blond crouched next to his boyfriend once again, looking at him with concern filling his bright blue eyes, it tingled through sherlock, sending his stomach in twists and knots. how could he do this to john, how could he send the ever happy boy into a never ending pit of destruction.
The boy with sunshine blond hair and a smile that could put the sun to shame, the positive boy that could see the best in anyone no matter what they had done, the boy that had helped sherlock more then he had ever imagined. the very boy that sherlock had destroyed so easily.
there were so many things that he wanted to say, but only one thing sat on his mind like a broken record player, and all sherlock knew was that he needed to tell john it, no matter how much it hurt his dry throat. "john"
the teen nodded in response, all his attention focused on the raven haired boy,"i am not anorexic, i swear" he whispered, tears sitting in the corners of his sunken eyes and rolling down his hollow cheeks.
his throat may have burned worse then anything sherlock had felt in a long time, the fire rolling up along the walls and threatening to suffocate him but he needed john to know. he needed john to believe him, "i'm not..." the words felt forced and fake to even sherlock, it was a lie he could no longer hide.
