#johnfru

Song with this chapter:

Skinny love - Bon Iver

-

1998.

“Anthony! We seriously don’t have eggs?!” I shouted from out the kitchen, waiting impatiently for a response. Anthony was probably still showering so I sighed and debated with myself whether I should go to the supermarket to get some eggs for a decent breakfast or not. 

“Took you a goddamn year” I said and grabbed my drinks. I walked past him but suddenly got pulled back by him. I felt his lips crashing onto mines and I dropped my drinks. The sound of the glass breaking sounded all too familiar with me and my heart. I felt him forcing his lips against mines. It was like he was screaming for me, screaming for me to get help, to see somebody, to be okay, to wake me up. A kiss that meant a thousand words. A kiss that would eventually make me think about all the things that have gone wrong.

The day after the kiss, Anthony and I talked for five hours straight and eventually got together. I realized I yearned for somebody. We could all make it through if we wanted to, and if we believed in it. 

John has escaped my mind and vanished like the wind. I was so hurt by the fact that he didn’t want to see me when Flea and I went over to visit him. I eventually turned the pain into madness, then sadness followed, but I later found something I needed from the beginning: love. Lust. And I knew Anthony was the only one that could give me it.

I slipped on my shoes and grabbed my purse. I acted old-school and left a yellow sticky note on the kitchen counter saying I was getting groceries.

Špela has broken up with Chad and is currently in Slovenia, trying to pick up her old life again. Nobody knows the exact reason why she left, but it turned out that she couldn’t stand the pressure anymore. We both knew that our band wasn’t going anywhere, so we just gave up. I don’t like that word. Giving up. It makes you sound so vulnerable, weak. But it’s good to know your strengths and weaknesses. She said she wasn’t made for this life, and got the first best ticket back to Slovenia. 

Chad got really depressed because of it and easily fell back into his drinking habit. But he’s okay now. Flea made sure everybody was feeling okay-what an angel of a man. Unfortunately, he wasn’t doing the best himself. While we all slowly moved on, he seemed to be stuck in the past with his thoughts about John. They had a special bond..

Right now, I’m focusing more on my writing skills instead of making music. I still play the guitar as much as I can, it’s just that there are words in my brain that can’t be left just like that. They need to be written down. 

I put the eggs in my basket along with some other stuff and then felt something at my feet. A dog was sniffing and I smiled, he looked so lost. I rubbed his head a little before it ran away to it’s owner. The owner smiled at me. She then turned around to her -what I assumed- boyfriend and walked away. I just stood there, examining everything that was happening in front of me. 

The sweetest part of being a couple is sharing your life with someone else. But my life, evidently, had not been good enough to share. 

I slowly made my way over to the cashier, but something caught my eye. I grabbed the magazine and let my fingers glide on the front page. I suddenly dropped the magazine out of my hands and stood there for what seemed an eternity. 

I quickly made my way back home and when I finally arrived, I let out a big sigh and opened the door. 

“I can’t believe it. Ant, he’s back, he’s back!” I suddenly heard Flea shout along with some cries. I carefully closed the door behind me and listened closely.

“Ant, it’s time” I heard Chad add in which Flea agreed. I then decided to walk into the living room and their eyes immediately fell on me. Flea then looked at Anthony with a glance like ‘should we tell her?’. Anthony nodded and closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

“We just got a letter. It appears that.. John is out of rehab. He’s clean and invited us over”

So it is true, I thought to myself. It was in the papers. I tried my best to force a smile. John. I haven’t heard that name in years. I fiddled with my fingers which were cold as ice and looked down. I felt the tears burning in my eyes but I absolutely didn’t want to cry. I then looked up to them all,

“That is, amazing news” I said carefully. Chad nodded and sighed deeply,

“Wow, I would never have expect that.. Well.. I..” He couldn’t find the right words to say, but that was okay. Everybody was speechless. 

“So.. I guess we’ll write him back and let him know that we’re up for it” Anthony said, more or less awkwardly, and Flea nodded. He already had grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. I excused myself and walked upstairs. When I finally arrived in my room, I let myself fall on the bed and sigh deeply. 

I had no idea in which state John was. And by that, I mean spiritually and emotionally. No one of us knew.              

I then heard a light knock on the door and I sat up, suddenly realizing I’d been crying. Anthony then walked in and closed the door behind him. I stood up and paced around the room, waiting for what was going to come.

“You can do this” he suddenly said in which I stopped walking and turned around. 

“I’m scared too. It’s been years”

I just simply nodded. I tried my best not to show Anthony how much it was actually bothering me. I had no clue why.

“The last thing I want is to be on bad terms with him, you know?” He added and I nodded again. I then pressed my lips against Anthony’s lips and closed my eyes. It was forceful kiss, but he didn’t mind. We parted and I smiled up at him. 

“I love you” he whispered while stroking my hair. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. I buried my head in the crook of his neck and placed a little kiss. 

“I love you too” I replied quietly. 

We got downstairs and smelled that the food was ready. Flea was preparing something while Chad was sitting on the couch, sipping on a beer. Anthony sat down next to him while I decided to check up on Flea.

I walked in and saw Flea’s head buried in his hands. I immediately walked towards him and lightly placed my hand on his shoulder. He was sobbing. 

“Flea? What’s wrong?” I quietly asked while rubbing his back. I decided to pour some water for him and gave it to him. 

Flea sighed while wiping his tears away,

“It’s John. I thin-think we’re all overwhelmed.. But I can’t remember him more differently than a drug abuser..” 

He was being dead honest here, which I really appreciated. 

“We are scared too. It’s because we don’t know what to expect. But what’s important, is that it’s happening for a reason. We’ll just need to see how it goes” I said, trying to calm him down. 

Flea nodded and looked at me,

“Everybody has their breaking points..” he marked up and I nodded,

“That’s very true, so don’t blame yourself for it” I quickly added. Flea was then about to say something, but he then shook his head and sighed again. I wanted to know what it was, but I wasn’t going to pressure him into telling me. 

After dinner, we all just crashed into our beds. It was already very late and nobody was up for a movie. This day was nerve wracking, but the other days will follow like that. 

I put on one of Anthony’s shirts and crawled in bed beside him. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. I put my hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat. 

“And now we wait..” Anthony said and I almost instantly got the reference. 

“I- I don’t know if I can do it” I then said in which Anthony looked at me. I quickly stood up and grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Before Anthony could even say something, I left the room.

I went into the little balcony and sat down on the cold ground. I lit up a cigarette and blew the smoke out in front of me. The taste reminded me of John. He always had this bitter sweet tobacco taste. 

As soon as we were out of the living room, John grabbed my arm and walked us upstairs. I quietly hummed some song as he walked us over to the balcony. He closed the door and I sat down, pretending I had drums in front of me.

“Okay Angel, I don’t know what’s going on with me I just wanted to tell you that-” He started while I closed my eyes and started shivering. “Make it quick, John” I quietly whispered. “I-” He started,

“I love y-”

He shook his head. “Fuck..” he cursed underneath his breath. “Angel you just need to know that I love-”

I laughed a little at the memories. If only Flea didn’t burst in that time..

A tear rolled down my cheek and I didn’t even bother to wipe it away. I miss John. I really do.

-