JF

Authors note: Thank you for your patience. I know I’ve been gone for quite a while, but I promise I’m back now. I hope you will enjoy this chapter. I poured my heart into this one and I want to prove you that it was worth the wait.

-

Recap on Chapter 35:

The pastor welcomed us and smiled at both Anthony and me. I could see that Anthony was nervous as well, but I was ready to read from my vow.

“Angie!” 

We heard a load scream coming from a distance. I looked at how all the guests were turning their heads to see where it was coming from and who it could possibly be. I then looked at Anthony and before the pastor could go on, we heard a second scream from a distance,

“Angie!”

I heard gasps and sounds coming from the guests while they were one by one standing up from their chairs. I quickly took a look at Anthony and saw that he was getting annoyed and frustrated. The unrecognizable voice was getting louder and we then saw someone running to us. The security were quick to help me get out of here as soon as possible, but I wanted to stay and see who it was.

“Angie! It’s me! John!”

My heart skipped a beat. I then saw a very rough looking John running to us, but he was held back by security. He never looked this bad. He had scratches and scars on his face, his shirt was ripped open and his unwashed hair was now to his shoulders.

“He’s not- you’re not supposed to be here” Anthony said and looked at John, then at the security who were holding him in a firm grip. Flea then quickly ran to security and pushed one of the guys behind, 

“Leave him alone, he’s a friend of ours”

I quickly let go of Anthony’s hands and tried to get to John, but I then felt a hard grasp at my arm.

“Let me go” I said to Anthony, trying to release myself from his grip but he didn’t let me go. Chad and Flea made sure all the guests got inside safely, even though my dad refused it.

“You lied to me. John wasn’t at his parents at all, was he?”

-

Song with this chapter:

The Cinematic Orchestra - To Build a Home

-

When everything crumbles down in front of you, and all that is left is pain, anger and regret - do you even feel like continuing your life anymore? I felt this sting in my heart whenever I thought about my future, and I noticed that I always had that because I simply couldn’t imagine myself having a future. Who wanted to spend their life with me? Who is crazy enough to love someone like me? 

Reflecting back on my childhood, a lot of these problems and struggles I had were now all coming back in a different shape, in a different form, hidden in some kind of disguise. 

I took off my earrings and let my hair down. I was locked into my room for three hours now. I didn’t want to see anyone nor speak to anybody that wanted to speak to me. Especially not to Anthony. All this time, I was so concerned about John. I was extremely worried for him. He was the one person that kept me going all this time - he is the one who refrained me from doing any kind of harm to myself. He knew that I were my biggest enemy. And he did everything he could to make me love myself, to appreciate every minute of the day, to look up to the sky and send Hillel a kiss, to sit in the garden and collect flowers. Not just any kind of flowers, but sunflowers, because John described me as one. He told me I should be in bloom when the sun is shining down on me, that I should enjoy the beauty of nature. And I didn’t want to admit that that alone, made me love him so much more.

I feel at this point, that my life could possibly not be worse. I have been out there, trying to help every damn human as much as I can, all the whilst forgetting about myself. I looked at myself in the mirror. My make up was ruined. My eyes were sunken. It hurt so much.

What was the point? 

“Here is your fucking ring!” I screamed and threw it at Anthony. “Let me explain!” He screamed back as I was walking back and forth in our hotel suite. I refused to listen, because I knew he would come with a sappy apology or explanation and that would just set me off even more. “Where the fuck was John?! What did you do to him?!” I screamed, even louder than before. I looked at Anthony and saw on his face that he felt regret. But the more he waited with actually explaining to me what had happened, the more I felt I was going insane.

“I visited John one day and we talked for three hours. We talked about the first day we met. The concerts we’ve had. We even talked about our love for you. He then confessed to me that.. he still loved you. After everything, the pain, the pleasure, that motherfucker still loves you! And that brought out a whole other side of me. I didn’t want you to see him. I know he could win you back. I know for fuck’s sake what you both had! You even made love to him that day we met Jane and he brought you home [Chapter 32], or didn’t you? Tell me the fucking truth!” “I didn’t. I don’t know!” I cried out, even though I did know. I knew it all too well. But honestly, my mind was a blur and I couldn’t even picture it anymore.

“But what has that to do with anything? What have you done to John?!” I continued, desperately waiting for an answer I deserved. 

It was silent for a bit. I felt that Anthony could either do something to me or to himself. But he didn’t. I looked at his expression and noticed he was in genuine pain and regret.

He sighed. 

“That day, when I was with John, we fought. I said he couldn’t see you anymore but he thought I couldn’t decide that for us. I didn’t want him near you, next to you, with you, around you.. You’re mine. I then hit him and he fell on the ground, and I got on top of him, and I just couldn’t stop. Angie, this wasn’t me. It wasn’t me I promise, Angie, I swear to fucking God. Somebody or something took over my body.. But I then saw John laying there, unresponsive, and I knew he was going to press charges as soon as he woke up or whatever I just freaked out so.. So I.. Angie, listen, I didn’t mean to but I went to his room, through his drawers and found some old syringes, I filled it up, I.. Angie.. I pressed it into his vein and saw him going in a shock. I then placed it besides him and left as soon as I fucking could. I didn’t think he could find us, look how crazy he is! Angie!”

Before I knew, I had punched the mirror and glass had shattered everywhere. I began pulling my hair and just screaming it all out as loud as I could. I then collapsed on the ground and started crying. The tears couldn’t stop and it was as if I hadn’t cried in years. My right hand was cut up and covered in blood and I could feel a harsh sting in my cheek. 

I heard a loud knock at my door. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to see anybody. 

“Go away!” I screamed and the knocking stopped. After a while, I stood up and walked over to the door. I felt nauseous because of the amount of blood I lost. I figured I had to take care of my cheek and hand, but I couldn’t care at that point. I opened the door and as soon as I saw who it was, I started bawling. 

“Mom” I cried out and she quickly embraced me in a hug. It was a hug that could say more than words. I closed my eyes and listened to the beating of her heart. All these years I had to go on without my parents seemed effortlessly, only to just now have it all kick in.

She looked at me the way she did back in the day when I was enjoying my time at the park, when I was on the swings, when I danced with dad, when I snuggled with Hillel on the couch, when I got a good grade for Math. And this was weird, because it seemed as if she was proud of me. I never needed her as much as I needed her then. I realized that I couldn’t live without my parents because after all, they were still there for me. 

She took care of me and made sure I could pull myself back together. I didn’t know if she knew. I didn’t know if the guests were aware of what happened. She then explained that everybody was told a different story. Even though I was hesitant about telling her everything, literally everything, about John, Luke, Anthony, I couldn’t hold myself back and the words were just leaving my mouth.

We talked for another two hours. I was fully unaware of what time it was, but I was thankful that nobody besides her, checked up on me.

She told me about her life without me. She explained that dad struggled with his job and that they were kicked out of the house. I cried again after hearing this.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you..” I whispered and balled my fists. I could feel my anger rising. I was mad at myself for not contacting them, for not visiting them enough, for not helping.

“I didn’t want to bother you whilst you were having the time of your life. Everything that was taken away from us - the green couch, the television, the antique bookshelf.. It didn’t matter to us because we wanted to keep one thing and that’s you, Angie..”

“And how are things now?”

She explained that they both were working two jobs and were living in a very tiny apartment. Along with the economic crisis, it was really difficult to keep yourself afloat. I knew I was going to help them out because they didn’t deserve this.

Suddenly, somebody burst through the door and I immediately looked up. I saw Anthony. I could tell from the look of his face that he had cried, that he had been angry and afraid. 

“Angie. We’re going home, now” he said and pointed behind him.  I then noticed his knuckles were cut up. I instantly thought of John. 

“She’s not going anywhere. How dare you ask this of her, Ant!” my mother shouted and stood up. She told me to wait here and so I did, even though I couldn’t stop shaking. They left the room and I quickly stood up. I changed my clothes and packed my bags. I couldn’t be here. I wanted to get on a flight and just go away, leaving my thoughts somewhere up in the air on the way. I then decided. I was going to travel back with my parents. To my home. Our home. Home.

-

Two weeks later

I had been staying at the hotel with my parents for a couple weeks until we have to go to the airport. Anthony tried to talk to me numerous of times, but I refused every time. My bags were packed and I now had to say goodbye to Flea and Chad, even though I couldn’t reach Chad for some reason.

I stared at the ceiling and found myself lost in my thoughts. And I figured that that was a very dangerous place for me to be at. I couldn’t think clearly at times because everything would be going on at the same time and that made it difficult for me to focus.

"I don’t care, you’re going to let me fuck you. Period” Anthony spoke and I moaned as he kissed my neck. He pulled my hair and threw me on the bed. He got on top of me and started kissing my neck, more aggressively this time. I was moaning out his name, and suddenly, a thought of John went through my head.

I decided to stand up and leave my room.

“I’ll be back in an hour or so” I told my dad while he was drinking some coffee and reading the news. He frowned and showed me the article about Anthony and me. I just rolled my eyes at how used I was to this kind of crap.  “Please be safe. I won’t tell your mom” he said and gave me a peck on the cheek. I walked downstairs and waved to the receptionist who gave me a wink. I called up Flea to meet me at the cafe down the street and that I would be there in ten minutes. 

I took place at an table outside of the cafe and waited for Flea to show up. I began getting worried. I just didn’t want to see Anthony. What if he brought him? I decided to wait five more minutes and after that, I would get up and leave. 

“Boo!” I then heard and I jumped, looking behind me and I saw Flea. He chuckled and then apologized as soon as he saw the worry plastered on my face. We ordered our drinks and talked for more over an hour. 

“I am still so proud of you, Angie. But Anthony is like a brother to me, and I couldn’t possibly ever choose between the two of you. But I talked to Anthony, and I get him, you should at least give him one final chance” Flea spoke quietly, not wanting to make me angry or upset. I shook my head and the thought of meeting Anthony was making me sick.

“I can’t Flea, and besides I don’t want to. I’m extremely hurt by what he did to John, to me, to you even!” I said and stared at my drink. 

“But Angie, you’ve got to understand that he does love you. You are his world. And trust me, Chad and I have been extremely mad at him and he is actually getting serious help. We believe in him”

I shrugged and acted as if I didn’t care, but I cared more than ever. Why didn’t they care about John? 

“John wants to speak to you” Flea then sighed and I looked at him. 

“Where is he? Why?” I asked and looked around me. A million questions ran through my head. 

“He has been very hesitant though, but he told me to say this to you. And I really do feel like it’s not up to me but-” Flea started but was cut off by someone yelling across the street.

I then saw somebody walking towards me and he looked like Anthony. I quickly stood up and Flea was confused. Before I could yell to Anthony to leave me alone, the person wasn’t him and he just passed me. 

I suddenly felt very nauseous and threw up. Flea called the waitress for some water and lightly slapped my face, trying to wake me up.

“Oh dear, I hope you’re not pregnant!” the waitress joked, trying to reassure me. I just let it slip and tried to catch my breath. After a while, I felt fine again but wanted to head home. Flea thanked the waitress and walked with me to the hotel. 

“Flea, I didn’t say this earlier and I’m sorry, but I’m going back with my parents. I have to leave” I spoke and looked at Flea. 

“I understand.. I’m not the one to stop you. I know you will be okay. Please, stay in touch with us okay?” Flea sighed and started to tear up. I then felt a tear rolling down my cheek and I nodded, embracing him in a hug. 

“When are you heading home?” Flea asked and I told him in about two days. He sighed and stared at his feet. “Flea” I softly started,

“What were you going to tell me earlier? About John” I said whilst remembering it. Flea indeed wanted to say something to me about what John has told him, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for it. 

“He forgave Anthony. And he thinks you should too”

My heart suddenly dropped and I felt tears forming in my eyes. 

“Thank you” I whispered and gave Flea one last hug before heading inside. I quickly walked up the stairs, instead of taking the elevator, and I ran to my room. I ignored my parents and I went straight to my room. I locked the door behind me and turned around. 

I really couldn’t hold it in anymore. How the fuck did John forgive Anthony? It just didn’t make sense. One thing was for certain and that was that I didn’t want to leave the country without talking to Anthony, purely because John had advised me so. I knew in my gut that I didn’t want anything to do with Anthony, but I couldn’t just leave him behind without talking to him. 

I then felt a huge sting in my stomach, and I quickly sat down. I never felt this kind of pain before. I was breathing heavily and I felt I had to throw up again. I quickly ran to the bathroom and emptied my stomach. I hadn’t eaten much, so I figured that it was probably why. 

“Angie” my mother called and I quickly washed my face before leaving the bathroom. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine” I said and took a deep breath. I shuddered and my mom quickly gave me a warm jacket to put on. 

“Mom, do you think I should talk to Anthony?” I asked and looked in her eyes. I could tell that she was worried, but I knew she wanted the best for me.

“That’s up to you sweetheart, but do remember that we are leaving in less than two days. Maybe he will make you stay here. Just think about it, okay?” she replied and I nodded and thanked her for the advice. 

I decided to sleep on it. I walked back to my room and noticed a huge bouquet of sunflowers laying on my bed. I then started crying again.

-