#jng

anyway recently in my dreams there is always some kind of reconciliation between us but i am uncomfortable the whole time because i know something is wrong. i know there's no way she is ever going to come back into my life and apologize for everything, or for anything at all, really. so i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time. i can't believe in the fantasy even as it plays itself out.

i guess subconsciously the fantasy is still there, even if i know it's impossible. i must want it equally as much as i don't believe in it. even if it were to happen, i couldn't accept it.

to be honest, i'm very angry. and i think that's part of why even in my dreams, when i'm supposedly getting what i have wanted for years, i'm unable to focus. i'm unable to feel joy.

there was a time when all i wanted was a genuine apology. it would have worked on me. one month after the wound. two months. one year. the longer you go without one, the less it matters.

i don't know if time heals all wounds. but it does something to them. i think maybe i am hardened now where i was vulnerable before. but i don't know if that means i have "healed." i still feel sad. if i let myself feel it. horribly dreadfully sad.

almost like my mind is testing me: what if I put her in front of you. what then. where's your resolve. will you melt.

but i try not to think of vulnerability as this bad thing. i don't want to hate my old self, just for thinking someone loved me when she said that she did. can't you be healed and still be vulnerable? can you even be loved if you're not vulnerable? you have to let somebody in. at some point.

and you have to accept maybe this might happen again. and then you have to make yourself believe, somehow, that it won't.

🎶🎤🎧 i posted an ep w some remastered tracks xD