#jj request

You wake to relative silence in the room, only disturbed by the faint sound of JJ’s snores from behind you, his breaths deep and even. You snuggle yourself back into him and lace your fingers with his arm over your chest.

It wasn’t too often that the two of you got to spend the night together, once every couple of weeks at best. He’d stay at John B’s and you’d tell your father you were staying with Sarah, only to go straight to the Chalet when you got the chance. You’d crash in the spare bed and spend the whole night wrapped in each other’s arms. You were certain it was only on these nights that JJ ever got a proper night’s sleep.

He groans behind you and tightens his hold on you, a telltale sign that he would be waking up.

“Good morning,” You speak softly, tilting down your chin to kiss his knuckles.

JJ hums, pushing himself closer against you as if he wants the two of you to become one, “Not yet.”

You giggle and shift against his arms until he eventually loosens his grip, letting you turn against his chest until you’re facing him.

“Go back to sleep if you want,” You offer, moving up a hand to push away the hair from around his forehead.

JJ shakes his head, “No you’ll have to leave soon.”

“That’s okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” You encourage, trailing a finger down his face.

He shakes his head again, “I want to see you before you go. Just five more seconds.”

After five short seconds, his eyes blink open and he groans at the overpowering light, wincing at the feeling.

“Good morning,” You say once more, leaning down to press a kiss to his jaw.

JJ grins tiredly and wraps his arms around your waist, “Morning.”

He buries his head into the crook of your neck and you giggle, ticklish at the touch.

“Did you sleep well?” You ask him, running a hand over the back of his head.

He hums, “Best I’ve slept all week.”

JJ never told you too much about his home life, but you could sense it had been worse recently. He was sleeping less and he’d ask you to sneak out at random hours of the night when he definitely shouldn’t be awake, and he was eating less too - you could tell in his face. But, when you asked if he was okay, he’d kiss your cheek and respond ‘always’. And then he’d make a comment about how he liked not having to think about the bad stuff when he was with you, and he’d wrap his arms around you and the pair of you would forget that anything else in the world existed.

You didn’t speak to him much about your home life either. It was just you and your Dad at home, on the rich side of the Outer Banks. He owned one of the largest properties here, and you were well aware of the difference between your life and the one the Pogues had. He didn’t like you being friends with the Pogues, or associating with them at all for that matter. In fact, he thought you didn’t see them at all these days. He thought of you as his angel girl that wouldn’t be corrupted by ‘that bunch’. In particular, he hated JJ - you’d been warned to stay away from him since your father he first caught him sprinting through your yard to escape the police. You’d remembered watching him even then and smiling at the way he laughed against his troubles, the way nothing seemed to scare him.

“What are you thinking about?” JJ cuts through your thoughts, kissing along your jaw.

You hum against the contact, “That I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t,” He mumbles, voice still thick in the way only you heard in the mornings, “Just stay with me. John B won’t care if we steal this room.”

You smile, “But my father absolutely will care if I don’t come home.”

“Why?” JJ seems to spark into a new energy, hooking his leg around yours so that it flips you onto your back on the mattress, “Because he doesn’t want you hanging around with us Pogues? Let alone in bed with one of them.”

“Yeah I’m pretty sure he’d kill you if he knew I was here,” You laugh, looking up at him as he looms over you.

“Maybe,” JJ shrugs, “But I’ll take my chances with you.”

You narrow your eyes at him, “You’re so corny.”

He fakes a gasp as if he’s offended, “You’ll regret saying that (Y/l/n).”

“Prove it.”

———

You’re back at your house an hour later, pulling your hair around to either side of your neck to cover the marks left there.

You can just about make out the sound of your father on the phone, hoping to avoid him as you start to make your way up the curving staircase up to your room.

“(Y/n)? Is that you?” He calls out and you practically wince at the words.

“Yeah, Dad, just got home,” You call back, pausing in your tracks as he walks through from the back of the house.

“Steven I’ll call you back,” He says into his phone, quickly hanging up, “I need to talk to you.”

“I know I’m late, sorry, I just had to help Sarah to revise for a-“

“I don’t care about that,” He waves you off, “I know what you and Sarah are like.”

“Right, yeah,” You force a smile, “What is it Dad?”

He sighs deeply, “Work have asked me to help set up a project, I wasn’t supposed to be part of it but they’ve got nobody else.”

You frown - what did this have to do with you?

“And, well, it would mean Im on the mainland for two weeks,” He explains, “Now, I know you’re old enough to take care of yourself but-“

“You should go, Dad,” You encourage, “I mean, come on, you wouldn’t trust anyone else to do the job properly.”

He laughs deeply.

“I’ll be fine here, I’ll call and text you every day if you need me to,” You smile, “It’s only a couple of weeks.”

“Now, are you absolutely sure? I’d be leaving today and I-“

“It’s fine, Dad, it sounds like they need you.”

He lets out a breath and nods, “They want me to leave as soon as possible, I should probably pack a bag.”

“Go ahead,” You say, trying to fight back your own enthusiasm at the idea of him being gone for a fortnight.

No father, no overbearing rules.

You hurry up the rest of the stairs, dropping your bag down onto the floor of your room and pulling out your phone, shooting off a text to JJ.

‘How about an empty house for two weeks? Just you and me’

You feel your heart swell at the thought, having to think about nothing else and nobody else than JJ for an entire fortnight. It felt like a pocket of heaven.

———

It’s a few hours later when your father finally leaves and you’ve still not heard back from JJ. He was terrible with his phone, you knew this. But he’d got better since the two of you had been together - on the days when your father was extra strict, this was the only communication you had with JJ. You’d tried to ring him but didn’t get a response, tried again and listened to it go to voicemail again.

If dating JJ had taught you anything, however, it was to not sweat the small stuff. He never let you worry for too long. And so, you ignore it. You turn up the music coursing through the speakers in the house and make use of the fully stocked kitchen your father had left you with, pottering around to make yourself dinner.

It wasn’t until the sun had already set that you hear your phone start ringing. You’d been curled up on the couch watching a film when you heard it start buzzing, pausing the screen to look down at your phone. But it wasn’t JJ. It was Sarah.

“Hello?” You answer, “You’ll never guess wh-“

“(Y/n)! Thank god,” She sounds breathless, panicked on the other end, “Oh god, (Y/n) somethings happened.”

“Wh- what are you talking about?” You frown, sitting up straight on the sofa.

“It’s JJ,” She sighs, “We found him at the house and he’s… he’s not doing good (Y/n).”

“What are you- what do you mean? What’s happened? Where is he?”

“It was his Dad.”

You feel your stomach drop instantly, churning, and your hands seem to go numb around the grip of your phone. You seem to lose every sense beyond the single thought in your mind. Him.

“Where is he?”

“We’re on our way to the doctor now,” Sarah explains, “Well, that guy they use as a doctor. John B said it’s safer than taking him to the hospital.”

“Just tell me where it is,” You return quickly, panic coursing through the volume in your voice.

“I’ll send you the location, just get here when you can okay?”

It’s like you’re instantly in panic mode, you grab your phone, your keys, the closest pair of shoes and a hoodie and throw yourself into your car, driving over the speed limit the entire way as you follow the directions to where Sarah had just sent you. You felt sick to your stomach, adamant that your worst nightmare was being realised.

What had happened? How bad had it been?

The questions course through your head the entire journey until you eventually catch sight of John B’s van parked up in front of a weathered rundown house just past the bit of the Cut that you knew. Sarah’s outside and her face awakens when she spots your car.

“Sarah what’s going on?” You ask as soon as you get out of the car.

Without a word, she throws her arms around you and engulfs you in her comfort - as if she knows it’s needed before you do.

“It’s not good, (Y/n). He looked awful… I mean he was just… and he wasn’t moving… and we couldn’t… I mean we didn’t know…” She drags a hand through her hair, “He’s with the doctor now, but he’s lost a lot of blood, and he’s weak, really weak. They think he might have internal bleeding, and one of his eyes is swollen shut.”

“Oh my god,” Is all you manage to force out, every breath being knocked from your lungs, gripping onto Sarah’s arms like she’s holding you up from falling.

“John B trusts this guy though, he’s going to help, okay?” She encourages, “I promise.”

“Can I- I mean, can I go in?” You ask, glancing back at the small makeshift hospital.

Sarah nods and you follow her through the open door, into a lounge that seems to have been turned into a reception. There’s a walkway through to the rest of the building but it’s blocked off with a closed door, and part of you is adamant that you don’t want to see what’s on the other side. John B stands up from one of the couches and strides over to you, wrapping his arms around you as if wanting to let you share in each other’s pain.

“Thank you for getting him here,” You mumble into his ear and he nods against your shoulder.

“I’m so sorry (Y/n). I should’ve known to not let him go home on his own and-“

“No, don’t blame yourself,” You sniff, pulling away from him, “I should’ve done more too. But JJ never wanted to talk about stuff like that and I just… I knew he wanted things to just be better when he was with me, like he didn’t have to think about anything. And, I don’t know, I should’ve pushed, I should’ve made him talk to me about all of that shit.”

“One thing about JJ: he’ll never do something he doesn’t want to do,” John B half smiles, “He just wanted you to be there to make him forget about all of that. That’s what you are for him.”

You shake your head, “I just can’t believe he’s-“

“(Y/n),” John B places a hand on either of your arms, “This guy is good, and JJ’s strong, he’s going to be okay.”

“Can I go in?” You let out a shaky breath and John B nods.

You wipe the tears from under your eyes and push through the door into the makeshift hospital room. JJ is laying across a hospital bed but he’s barely recognisable. His face is patched with purple bruises and cuts marked with dried blood, bruises across the exposed skin of his arms. His t-shirt has been cut open and there’s more bruising littered over his torso, contorting around his muscles. You lose all feeling in your body, feeling like you could crash to the floor at the sight. You feel a sickness bubble in your stomach, threatening to rise.

“You must be (Y/n),” A man with glasses and crazy hair glances in your direction, wheeling over a metal tray of tools you don’t recognise.

You think you manage to nod, but the movement feels numb. Somehow, you force one foot in front of the other over towards the bed, freezing once again when you’re looking at JJ closer. His eyes are closed but one looks so swollen you’re not sure it will open again. His lips are busted and blue and there’s a cut rising from his chin up towards his Cupid’s bow, splitting through lips you’re desperate to kiss better.

“(Y/n) I need you to do me a favor,” The man looks up at you, pushing his glasses up on his nose, “I need you to be strong enough for the both of you, can you do that?”

You don’t respond, not sure that your lips are capable of forming any words.

“Because JJ here is going to need all the help he can get, do you understand?” The man persists, “Now go and wait with your friends and I’ll see what I can do to fix up Mr Maybank here, is that alright darling?”

You smile a little, thinking of how JJ would instantly jump to complain about a man calling you darling. How he’d wrap an arm around your shoulder and pull you away, defending that it was just him being a ‘feminist and he absolutely almost definitely wasn’t jealous’. You’d kiss him and tell him you believed him. He’d tell you that you were his darling.

“Okay,” You whisper, looking down at JJ and letting out a shaky breath, wishing for a moment that you could trade places with him.

Your feet guide you back out of the room and into the waiting room where John B and Sarah turn to you instantly. Your legs give out then but both of them are there to catch you before you can hit the ground. They crouch down on either side of you, letting you sob into them through gasping breaths. You’re sure this is what it feels like for a heart to break, your heart breaking over a boy you were supposed to stay strong for.

———

It’s a few hours later when the doctor emerges from the room, wiping the sweat from his brow as he steps out. Sarah is asleep across the seats but you and John B bolt up as soon as you see the door open.

“I won’t lie to you kids, the situation is worse than I anticipated,” He pinches the bridge of his nose, “Due to the impact against his torso, JJ seems to have some form of internal bleeding.”

“Okay, okay, so what does that mean? What can you do?”

“He’s hooked up to fluids, and he’s had a transfusion,” The doctor proceeds, “Other than that, it’s a waiting game. He’s stable but there is still work to do. For now, I’d suggest you get on home and get some rest. Hopefully JJ will be awake by the morning and you can come and see him.”

“I-“ You shake your head, “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Unfortunately, (Y/n), there’s nothing we can do for now,” The man proceeds, “The last thing you want to do is worry yourself sick waiting here.”

“I- I don’t care. I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving him.”

“(Y/n),” John B begins softly, hand touching your shoulder.

You flinch away from his touch, “I’m not going anywhere John B! I’m not leaving! I’m staying here until he wakes up.”

Tears bubble at your eyes again and John B engulfs you in a hug, holding your head to his chest.

“I can’t leave,” You whisper against him and he hums in agreement, running a hand up and down your back.

“Okay,” He pulls away from you, “I’ll take Sarah home, I’ll get some rest, I’ll be back in a few hours. Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”

You nod, “I’ll be fine.”

He frowns softly but takes a deep breath as if agreeing with you.

You move back to the seat you’d been in and sit back down, drawing your knees up to your chest, wrapping your arms around your calves. Waiting. You’d always wait.

———

Another hour or so later, the doctor comes out again and tells you this time that he’s done all he can, and it would just be a waiting game now. You hurry into the room as soon as he says you can.

JJ is still laying in the exact position he had been before, though he’s cleaned up now more than he had been. The cuts remain but their blood is confined under scabs, the bruises seem to have darkened and spread where reddened skin once had been. His breathing is shallow and supported by an oxygen tube hooked into his nose, his eyes closed.

You sit down on the chair beside his bed, glancing at the pads attached to all parts of his chest and the tubes attached to his arms, the sight making you a little weaker. You take his hand into your own, wrapping your fingers around his still digits, letting out a shaky breath. He looks so much weaker than the boy you knew, like a shell of himself.

You’re desperate for the feeling of his eyes on you, the sight of his lips curling into a smile as he sees you, the words for only you to hear escaping his mouth. You want all of the parts that make him into your JJ.

But this wasn’t him.

And you weren’t sure your heart could go much longer without him.

“Come on,” You whisper, tears soaking your words, “Cut the act Jay, you’ve pranked us all, we get it.”

The dull hum of the oxygen machine.

“If you wanted attention, you’ve got it. Okay? We’re all worried. Cut it out,” You half-laugh, the words choking in your throat.

The beeping of his heart monitor.

“You know we’ve got a free house for two weeks, it would be a real shame for you to miss it,” You continue, pressing your lips against his knuckle, “And I don’t care if it’s selfish, I just really need you to wake up, okay Jay?”

Dull ringing.

You glance up to the computer screen and feel all colour drain from your face, the sight of the heart monitor lulling into a straight line.

“Jay?” You stand up from the chair, squeezing tightly to his hand, “JJ!”

The name rips from your throat, full of every horrified emotion your body was releasing all at once.

“Doc!” You scream, “Doc help!”

The man comes hurrying into the room only seconds later, his eyes widened as if assessing everything as quickly as he can manage. You hear him mumble a string of curses under his breath as he rushes over to JJ.

“Wait outside (Y/n).”

Your entire body is trembling as you follow his orders, stumbling out of the room and dropping down against the wall outside, your breathing rapid and erratic.

Every morsel of your being is reaching out for him, wishing every bit of oxygen in you could just transfer to his lips, your heart to pump for him instead of yourself, your lungs to breathe for two.

Instead, you close your eyes and cash in on a million wishes that the beeping machine will return to a normal rhythm.

———

You’re not sure at what time anything changes, but the doctor comes outside and wakes you up from an exhausted state to tell you that JJ is stable once again. He tells you again to go home but you ignore it, hurrying into the room to return to your place beside JJ’s bed.

Your hand finds his and you squeeze any ounce of life into his cold palms, breathing shakily.

Your eyes are dropping from the lack of sleep, but you pull up a second chair beside the one you’re sat on, drawing your legs up and settling yourself down to lie across the seats beside the mattress. Your hand doesn’t once let go of JJ’s, even once you let sleep overcome you.

That’s how they find you in the morning, when John B and Sarah return with Pope and Kie. The doctor makes a comment about how this boy wouldn’t know what hit him when he woke up and saw all of these faces. Pope told him they were his real family. They all speak in hushed voices and whispers so as to not disturb you, commenting on how drained you must be and how they knew you wouldn’t leave his side. When you blink awake, you squint against the dim lights and groan at the ache in your back, your hand still locked against JJ’s.

“Hey!” Sarah smiles softly, “How are you feeling?”

You turn quickly to JJ to check on him, eyes connecting to the beating of his heart monitor. Steady. Alive.

“I’m okay,” You clear your throat, “How long have you guys been here?”

“Not long,” Kie shakes her head, “We didn’t want to disturb you.”

You smile, “I didn’t want to fall asleep but I-“

You glance over at JJ as if begging for any movement.

“I was exhausted,” You finish your sentence, dragging a hand through your tangled hair.

“I’m not surprised!” John B says, “Do you want to head out for a bit? We can stay and keep an eye on him.”

“No, no, I’m okay,” You shake your head, “I’ll stay here.”

They all look at you with solemn expressions like they want to take your hurt away. You pay no mind to it, turning to Jj and focusing solely on him, running your thumb over the skin of his hand.

“Alright, I need to do some routine tests on your friend here so could you all wait outside please,” The doctor glances in your direction, “You can stay if you’d prefer.”

The others all look between themselves and reluctantly head back outside, leaving you in the hospital quiet once again.

“Okie dokie, let’s see what we’re dealing with,” The doctor fixes his glasses, scanning the room and collecting together a few of his tools, “And I’m missing something.”

He’s mumbling more to himself but you’re clinging onto every word as if he’s about to tell you the best or worst news ever.

“I’ll be right back.”

He disappears once again and you turn to JJ, standing up from your chair and smoothing a hand over his hair, trying your best to avoid the cuts on his face for fear of hurting him.

“Come on Jay,” You whisper to yourself, biting your lip to stop yourself from crying at the sight.

He looked so fragile, so young. And yet the scars on his body were shaping more trauma into him than anybody his age should have.

And then, movement.

You feel it first in your hand, the slightest, most gentle squeeze back against your fingers.

And then his eyes, fluttering just enough for you to see any difference.

A puff of air against the oxygen mask on his nose and mouth, lips parting underneath the clear plastic.

You blink a few times to convince yourself you’re not seeing things, but all at once you know it’s real. Slowly but surely, his eyes force themselves open - one opening just barely above closed, the other blinking and squinting against the lights of the room.

“Oh my god JJ!” You say through the croak in your voice.

He lets himself slowly adjust to the setting before turning his head slightly towards you, grimacing at the movement.

He goes to speak but his words get stuck on the mask covering his face. You move your hands up quickly to pull it away from his face, letting it hang just underneath his chin.

“Hey darling,” He says softly, his voice hoarse and barely audible.

You laugh softly, “Oh my god I don’t even-“

You stop yourself, shaking your head as if to clear it all away.

“Im just happy you’re here.”

JJ tries to move again and groans at the feeling, glancing down at the state of himself as if looking at someone that wasn’t him. He grimaces and tries to push himself up onto his elbows.

“Woah, woah, woah,” You place your hands on his shoulders, “Careful okay? You need to take it easy.”

He isn’t strong enough to resist against your touch but his lips curl into a slight smile, crooked against the swelling, “If you wanted to get me in bed (y/l/n) you could’ve just asked.”

You roll your eyes, sitting yourself onto the edge of his bed beside his arm, certain you’d blink yourself out of this dream if you thought about it for long enough.

The door swings open and the doctor walks in, glancing up at the sight.

“Mr Maybank! It’s good to have you back with us.”

———

It’s two days later when you’re getting JJ home. You drive him the short distance to your house and slide an arm around him to help him hobble towards the door.

You lead him up towards the bedroom, pausing on every couple of steps when he winces at the pain. For now, the broken ribs were the worst - agonising with the movement.

Eventually, you lower him down onto your bed and sit beside him, dropping down the duffle bag of his belongings that John B had collected for you.

“Glad to be out of that place?” You ask him as JJ readjusts himself on the bed.

He grunts in agreement and stretches out an arm to the other side of the mattress, “Come here.”

You crawl over to the other side of the bed and pause, “I don’t want to hu-“

“You won’t hurt me.”

You smile and lay down beside him, your head resting on his shoulder as his arm wraps around your waist. His chin rests on top of your head, pressing a quick kiss to your hair.

“JJ,” You speak into the air between you.

He hums.

“Why didn’t you tell me about everything with your Dad?”

He shifts beneath you as if uncertain, clearing his throat, “I didn’t want you to worry.”

You lean up onto your elbow and look at him, “Of course I was going to worry! That man is awful, Jay. I can’t believe you had to deal with that. I mean the thought of you… and him… and when John B found you I-“

Your lips begin to tremble.

“Hey, hey,” JJ brings up a hand to cup your cheek, brushing his thumb over the skin, “I’m here. Okay? I’m here and I’m okay.”

You let out a shaky breath, “I was so scared seeing you like that Jay. I didn’t know what was going to happen to you.”

He shakes his head slowly, his eyes waiting until they find your gaze, “I’m not going anywhere.”

You lean in and press a kiss to his lips, rough and cautious against his healing injuries. You pull away and he smiles that crooked smile you’d started to get used to.

***

You had been following John B around your entire life. 

After your mother left and your father dove into his obsession with the Royal Merchant, John B was all you had. You looked up to him for everything. You followed him through middle school, through high school, through classes. Everything he did, you wanted to do too. 

His friends were your friends and that especially included JJ Maybank. For most of your life, he was like another brother to you. He protected you from bullies, made you laugh when you felt like crying, taught you how to play hackey sack. But then you grew up and he became something else. 

He taught you how to dance like a Pogue, to fight, and to fish. He gave you your first beer. Still, he made you laugh when you wanted to cry over a failed test and protected you from bullies. And you couldn’t help your feelings that grew for him. What else were you supposed to do? The kid sister always falls in love with her brother’s best friend. Why would you be any different?

But after your father went missing, you felt your brother and his friends start to pull away. He was 16 and young and wanted to live his life. You were 15 and annoying and just wanted to do everything he was doing. You saw him and JJ and Pope and Kie less and less and less until you barely saw them at all. 

You had to learn to live your own life, to be your own person. Eventually, you or John B were going to go away and you had to learn to live with that. 

Nearly three years after your father’s disappearance, you were working with a moving company, which generally meant helping new kooks into their gorgeous houses. Ever since you parted ways with John B and the Pogues, you had yet to find a new group of people to hang out with. It didn’t bother you...much. 

That is until you met the Tilly’s and their 19-year-old son, Benedict. 

You were struggling to carry a rather large table up to the Tilly’s new house. You could never ask for any help because once you did, you knew the other boys you worked with would never let you carry anything over 10 pounds ever again. But you couldn’t see your feet as you started up the stairs. Your toes got caught on the lip of the stair and you stumbled upward.

“Woah there!” 

A pair of steady hands caught you before you fell completely and broke the table.

“I’ve got you,” a voice whispered right behind you. “Just keep walking.” 

The boy was Benedict Tilly, the eldest son of the Tilly household. He was smart, funny, and due to inherit the entire business, and all the money along with it. He smiled at you, despite the sweat and the grease that covered your face. He was responsible and he was two years older than you and damn attractive.

And all of his attention was on you. 

He listened to you rant about work, how the men are constantly trying to tear you down for being a girl, how it took you almost three years for them to help you do more than bring things inside. He listened to you complain about family, how John B had once been your everything, how he had ditched you for his friends. You never mentioned JJ. 

Soon, all the time you didn’t spend at work, you spent with Ben and his friends. You drank and smoked and partied hard when his parents weren’t around. You went cliff diving, water skiing. You drove around in his fancy boat, watching other fish for you instead of fishing yourself.

You taught him to surf, to play hackey sack, to shotgun a beer. 

All the things you used to do that annoyed your brother and JJ, Ben found amazing. He would hook his arm around your waist and laugh, kiss you on the forehead and smile. You meant something to him and it felt like he actually cared. 

But then he started to ask for things that you weren’t sure you wanted to do. 

“Come on, Baby.” His words were drawled. “It’s just one line.” 

You would shove him away with a forced laugh. In the beginning, he would let it go, let you walk away and hide in his sister’s room for a while. That didn’t fly for long. He got more forceful, wanting more, demanding more. 

Until you were vomiting in the bathroom of the Chateau as quietly as you could, as not to wake John B and JJ, who slept on the futon. Unfortunately for you, vomiting wasn’t a quiet activity and JJ was a light sleeper. 

“So, you’ve decided to finally come home,” he said, standing in the doorway of the bathroom. You were so exhausted from the day that he didn’t even startle you. You pressed your cheek against your hand as your elbow rested against the toilet.

“So, you’ve decided that I’m worth your time.” 

“You’ve always been worth my time.” 

You looked up at him, eyebrows raised. 

Even though you wanted to hate him, you couldn’t. Not with his fluffy blond hair and his blue eyes. Not with the concerned look on his face. Not with the way his veins tightened as his arms were crossed over his chest. 

Body trembling, you pushed yourself to your feet. You tried to take a step forward, but your legs disagreed. JJ stepped forward and caught you before your knees hit the ground. 

“I don’t need your help,” you seethed. 

“You’re burning up,” he said, pressing the back of his hand to your forehead. 

“I don’t need your help,” you said again, voice weakening. You tried to push him away, but he held you tight. “Get off of me.” 

“God, what did he do to you?” JJ asked, his voice soft, gentle. 

“Nothing.” You shook your head, feeling the urge to vomit again. “Nothing I didn’t want to do.” 

“Yeah. You really look like it was something you wanted to do.” 

You hated the way he sounded like he cared. 

JJ helped you to the futon and you were helpless to do anything about it. He laid you down on the bed, pulling the blankets up to your shoulders. They were still warm. 

“It’s too hot,” you whined, trying to pull the blankets off. 

“Stop it.” JJ smacked your hand away, making you pout. “Keep those blankets on.” 

You huffed, your eyes starting to shut. 

“If that boy hurt you-” 

“He’s not a boy,” you said with a sigh, a smile on your lips as you curled up in the warm blankets. “He’s a man.” 

JJ scoffed. 

“If you ever need any help,” JJ said. “I’m always here for you.” 

You pulled your arm out of the blanket and flung it in his direction, your brain starting to fade into sleep.

“I know,” you sighed contentedly. JJ tucked your arm back underneath the blankets. 

“Sleep tight.” 

You mumbled, trying to say it back, but your mouth was no longer listening to your brain. JJ sat there beside you as you fell asleep, watching your breathing start to steady, until he was sure that you were no longer conscious. 

***

“Ben, I don’t like this,” you said, clinging to the older boy's arm. The two of you were teetering at the edge of a cliff. You had never passed down the opportunity for cliff diving, but this one was too tall and the possibility of hitting the rocks below was too high. 

“C’mon, babe,” he said, pressing his lips against your forehead. “Be my brave little girl.” 

“Ben!” One of his friends called from behind. “This is dangerous.” 

“I know!” Ben replied, shouting over the wind. “That’s why she’s doing it!” 

You looked over at him, eyebrows pinched together. 

“Ben-” 

“You want to feel alive, right?” He asked you, eyes wide and horrifying. “You want to prove to me that you’re more than those filthy pogues, more than the box your brother’s lifestyle cornered you into? You want to prove yourself to me?” 

You nodded your head vehemently. You wanted that. You wanted the life he could give you, wanted everything he had, everything he touched. 

“Then jump, baby.” 

You sucked in a deep breath, peering down at the ocean below. It was too tall. You had no idea how deep it was here. There was no way you could jump confidently, knowing that you would survive. But that was the fun of it, right? Not knowing whether you were going to swim out alive until you hit the surface?

You turned toward Ben, placing your hands on the side of his face, pulling him toward you. He kissed you hungrily, hands grabbing at your waist, pulling at your shirt and the top of your pants. You pulled yourself back suddenly, making him stumble forward. Stepping forward, you could feel your toes hanging over the cliff. Wind whipped through your hair, dragging across your skin like daggers. 

You didn’t feel alive. You felt like you had just stepped up to your funeral pyre. 

Still, you raised your arms, ready for the jump.

“Hell yeah,” you heard Ben breathe, excitement in his voice.

“No!” You heard someone cry behind you, but the wind drowned out the voice. As if it too wanted you to jump. “Y/N, stop!” 

“Jump, baby!” Ben yelled behind you. “Feel alive.”

Jump. 

You could barely hear the sound of shouting behind you.

Jump. 

It almost sounded like fighting.

Jump!

You lifted your foot, ready to let yourself fall, when someone wrapped their arms around you and pulled you backward. Your eyes snapped open as you hit the grass, the arms still around you. 

The wind died down and you could suddenly hear what was going on. And see it too. 

John B was kneeling over Ben, pounding his face into the dirt. Pope and Kie were doing their absolute best to distract the others and keep them from aiding their friend. 

“Don’t...ever...fucking...touch...my...sister!” You heard John B shout, each word accompanied by a punch to Ben’s face. You wanted to run to him, to pull John B off, but someone was still holding you.

“Get her out of here, JJ!” Kie cried, clinging to the back of one of Ben’s goons. 

“Go!” Pope echoed. 

JJ? 

The someone hoisted you off the ground, pulling you away from Ben.

“No!” You shouted, fighting whoever was holding you. “Get off me!” 

“Stop it, Y/N!” That was JJ’s voice. Tears rolled down your cheeks as you tried to fight to get back to Ben. “Leave him!” 

JJ dragged you back to the van, trying his hardest to get you into the passenger seat while all of your limbs flailed. He started yelling as soon as he was behind the wheel and the two of you were rattling down the road.

“What the hell were you thinking?” He shouted, knuckles white from gripping the wheel. 

“I was cliff diving!” You shouted back, tears still running from your eyes. 

“That wasn’t cliff diving. That was suicide!” 

You scoffed, crossing your arms.

“Stop pretending that you care now, JJ. It’s too little too late.” 

“Why do you keep saying that I don’t care?” 

“Because ever since my dad went missing, you and John B and the Pogues became an exclusive club that I wasn’t invited too. Because you said I was annoying and clingy. Because when I needed you most, you walked out on me!” 

JJ clenched his jaw, shifting his hands on the wheel. 

“I didn’t mean any of that.” 

“You never took it back.”

“Well, I’m taking it back now.” 

“Like I said, too little too late.” 

The rest of the car ride was silent until you made it back to the Chateau. You shoved the car door open and stormed toward the house, hands clenched at your side. 

“Y/N, wait!” JJ stormed after you and grabbed your wrist. You swung around, glaring daggers. 

“What do you want?” You seethed, voice breaking. “I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben never wants to hang out with me again thanks to you.”

“Thanks to me you’re not dead at the bottom of the ocean!” 

“I hate you, JJ Maybank,” you sobbed, stepping away from him. “You broke my heart. You and John B left me alone and now you think you can just come back into my life and tell me what to do.”

JJ let out a deep sigh, the anger in his eyes turning to something else, something you couldn’t read. 

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Y/N, I’m really sorry.”

You stared at him, trying to keep your sobbing to a minimum. 

“I can’t give you a reason why John B and I pushed you away. You were my best friend’s kid sister. And you were starting to be more than that and I couldn’t....” JJ let out another deep breath. “I couldn’t risk John B hating me because I wanted to be around you all the time. I was thinking about myself. It was selfish.”

You breathed heavier, turning your face away from him. 

“Why do you care all of the sudden?” You asked, looking at a leaf on the ground. You had never been able to resist his eyes when he asked you something. 

“Ben was no good. You weren’t his girlfriend. You were his guinea pig.” You felt your heart squeeze, eyes narrowing as you felt a fresh wave of tears pricked your eyes. “I couldn’t live with myself if I let him hurt you.” 

You finally looked up at him. He was pleading with his eyes, asking you to forgive him. You looked away again. 

When he stepped closer to you, you didn’t back away. You let him get closer to you, closer and closer until he was standing right in front of you. You watched, as he lifted his hand slowly, tentatively, until his fingers were brushing against your elbow. 

Electricity sparked through you, eyes fluttering shut. His touch was gentle and he didn’t leave bruises. 

“Y/N.” He was standing so close, you could feel his breath against your forehead. “Forgive me.”

You lifted your face to meet his. You missed seeing the ocean in his eyes with all the intensity of the sea. It made your breath stop in your throat. 

“Of course,” you whispered, afraid of breaking whatever bubble that was surrounding the two of you. You watched in startling alarm as he started to close what little distance between you. “JJ.” 

With his lips to yours, you felt the world spinning around you. Everything was spinning and spinning and spinning, but you stood on solid ground. A storm crackled around you, lightning dancing across your skin where he touched you; your arms, your neck, your cheek. But it didn’t hurt. Thunder crackled in your ears, thrummed in your heart. Wind swirled around you, threatening to consume you, but JJ kept you steady. 

Jump! The wind howled. Jump! 

But you weren’t leaning over the edge of a cliff. You had already taken the risk, you had already jumped. And you were falling hard. 

I hadn’t seen her, or heard from her since the breakup but I did see her in town in December. It was weird seeing her after months of avoiding her in any social gathering. I don’t know how I managed to avoid her since we lived in such a small town. Seeing her that day in December sure did a number on me. The need to go talk to her, to hug her, to tell her how much I missed her and how much I loved her.

I got drunk that night. John B and Pope were concerned, they didn’t know what was going on with me because I didn’t tell them that I had seen her in town, with Rafe.

I didn’t tell them that I missed you and that I regretted leaving her. As pathetic as I sound, I must also be looking pathetic from the amount of beer I have been drinking. Didn’t help that I was crying, in front of my friends. I didn’t care that they saw me cry, I was in pain and I wanted to hug my girl.

I couldn’t help but to think how she must hate me.

_________

She called. After a month after I saw her in town she called me. I didn’t know what to say, I was in shock that she even called me.

“I saw you back in December.” Those were her words. Did she see me when I too saw her?

“Really? Why didn’t you say hi? You know I don’t bite.” I cringed at the innocent flirting. Why do I have to be so cocky at the worst moments?

“I see you’re still the same. You still bashing things?”

I was confused for a moment. I barely bashed anything but then I remembered what she meant.

“I got it under control. I kind of miss that.”

“Miss what?” I could hear the confusion in her voice, her sweet angelic voice. The voice that gave me butterflies on my stomach which also made me feel sick at the same time.

“I miss breaking stuff at your apartment while we fought. You still live there?”

She was silent for a moment and somehow I could imagine her shaking her head, forgetting she was on the phone with me.

“No, I don’t live there anymore. I moved back with my parents after you left me.” There it is. I could feel her anger towards me, hitting me right in the heart.

“You know we couldn’t be together, everyone hated us together,” I said quietly. I didn’t know what else to say to her. I wasn’t prepared to talk to her.

“What was the real reason you left me? You said we’d be together forever” I stopped breathing, hearing her sniffle and breathing heavily, signs that she was crying.

“Nothing happened the way I wanted to. You weren’t the reason for this. I still love you, trust me I do. I miss you, I miss fighting with you, I miss your laugh, I miss the way you talk, I miss the way you moved, I miss you. I promise I do but I think I will make it worse if we get back together or become friends.”

It was silent for a couple of minutes. I had to look at the phone to see if she had hung up but she was still on line.

“Y/n…”

“I miss you J. You think that maybe we could try this again? That we can try and get out of this town?”

I closed my eyes, feeling the tears running down my cheeks. It pained me. It pained me knowing that she didn’t hate me, that she actually still cared, that she wanted to try this again. As much as I missed her and how much I still loved her, I couldn’t out her through the shit I did to her. Screaming and breaking stuff when fighting wasn’t healthy, being jealous of everyone that goes near her, pulling her away from his friends and family, it's not healthy. I love her too much, but I know its best to not get back together.

“We can’t. I’m sorry. I don’t want to go back to what we had, it will be bad and I don’t want it to get worse than how it was. Know that I will always love you but its better if we just stay away from each other, move on.” Her cries broke me, my chest was tight, I wanted to hold her and make her feel safe. I wanted to tell her how everything will be okay, but I knew it wasn’t going to be okay.

“I love you, take care.”