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Lost Days

The above art was made my the lovely @wonders-of-the-enterprise - thanks for this beautiful artwork.

Intro: This monster of a series was requested by @missmle712 and I thank them indefinitely for the opportunity to write something like this. Thank you.

SO I am not going to tag anyone else in this fic, this is just for me to have the whole story in one place and I don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing in one shot (please don’t) so here are the parts separately:

Intro Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Pairing: Jim x reader

Word Count: 18,276 (I think I am hyperventilating pls don’t read it all in one sitting omg I am so sorry for the length of this)

Summary: So the premise for this story, without giving too much away, is that Jim and the reader had a previous, long term relationship, and they were very much in love. Then there was an accident and the reader dies, or so everyone thinks. In reality they live and are stranded on a planet for three years without any memory of Jim or their previous life. When one day, they are sent on an away mission, they run into a familiar set of blue eyes and blonde hair. Will they remember Jim? Can things go back to normal? Will those lost days be found again?

ALSO: I literally just copied and pasted each part into this post and have not read it through from beginning to end so if the transitions are weird or if there is anything wrong just ignore it as I didn’t write the whole thing before I posted it. I wrote it in separate parts and posted them when I finished them. SO be gentle.

-Enjoy!-

Jim:

It hurt at first, being separated from you. It hurt like someone had taken a knife to my chest and twisted it, over and over again. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my entire life, and in those first few, early months I wished you back to me a million times. I beat myself up, destroyed myself, lost myself because I lost you.

But the sting faded. The sharpness faded. But never the pain. It was constantly there, like and old rusted wound and I just couldn’t shake it. Everyone kept telling me that the pain would lessen, and time would heal the wound. But it never did. And for the first year I couldn’t bring myself to believe you were dead. That I had lost you.

But I had duties, and I had to move on. They told me that too. Move on. So I did. And Eve was wonderful, only a distraction at first, but time changed that too. I could even say that I loved her. But not like you. Never like you. There was a hole in my chest that was patent and gaping and I tried to keep myself afloat, filling the hole with anything I could get my hands on. First it was alcohol, but after I ended up in the hospital the first time, I couldn’t bear to scare Bones like that again. Then it was work. I dove in head first, going days without sleep, forgetting to eat or drink anything until Spock basically forced me off the Bridge. Then it was Eve. She was like a light at the end of the tunnel, there for me in a way that no one else could be. And it was good. But it scared me, because as I move back into myself I moved farther away from you.

I miss you, sweetheart. Every time I think about you I am reminded of how I failed you, how I let you go, how it should have been me instead. Over the years there have been so many things that I wish I could have told you. Wish I could have shared with you, my darling, my sun. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I dream of you dying. Sometime all I want to do is sleep because I dream of you in my arms again. It is torture being without you.

I can’t fathom how many moments we have lost. How many firsts, lasts, and in between’s we will never get. I am sorry, beautiful, for all the lost years, lost days, lost moments that we will never get back. I wish I could make it up to you.

But I will see you in my dreams, my love, and I will never forget you. And if you could, if there was any possible way in the entire world; come back to me. Come find me, and we can make up these lost days.

You were finally free. You zoomed through the sky, your spirits high and a smile on your face as the ground disappeared below you and you sped into to the atmosphere, soon to be enveloped in the looming blackness of space.

Stars streamed past as you flew by, and you settled into your seat, relaxing as you journeyed through the universe. Pressing your forehead against the cool glass of the interior window of the shuttle you thought of how much convincing it took to get your village leader to let you go on a supply run on your own. It had been debated heavily but you convinced them of your readiness, and they had finally agreed. Headed to the planet of Yorktown, you were to retrieve some medications that your planet needed, and return promptly.

After a few hours of endless obsidian spotted with specs of bright stars and glimpses of foreign planets that you couldn’t help want to explore, the glass snow-globe of a planet appeared in front of you. You pressed your hands to your bouncing knees to try to settle them, but you couldn’t quiet the excitement that burned inside of you.

You loved your planet, and the small colony you lived in, and you worked under the medic for three years, taking care of the inhabitants, helping them thrive. The planet was covered in stone-scapes and sand and intolerable heat, and you were ready to have solid cement streets under your feet and grass, real grass!

As you approached the docking port, a com came through on your system. They asked for your information and you gave what you had gotten from your planet, and you were soon granted access.

When you finally landed you almost leaped from the shuttle and smiled at the fresh, non-sandy air and soft breeze, it felt so damn good on your skin. You handed your papers to the attendant and went on your way. You were to spend 2 nights in Yorktown, as the medication was not to be ready until tomorrow, and even though it was not a far distance from your planet, they allowed you to stay out the extra night.

The crowds of people on the streets quickly swallowed you up but you didn’t mind. You practically skipped along, taking in all the different alien species, and even seeing humans among them, such as yourself. You smiled at everyone, and though they didn’t always smile back you were just happy to see faces other than the aliens that came from your planet. You saw small children running around the streets, being followed closely by their concerned mothers, you saw couples holding hands and people embracing in greeting, it was wonderful.

You found your hotel with a little help from a passing security guard and checked in, throwing your overnight bags onto the ground and flopping onto the bed. Rolling over you stared out the floor-to-ceiling windows at the far end of the room, looking out to the bright and shining city, the feeling of hope and promise washing over you.

You put on some clean clothes, ran a brush through your hair, and head out to explore the city. You spent the day exploring, going to museums, walking around the small artificially created lakes and pools, and you even browsed in the little shops that each street seemed to be lined with, though you weren’t given any spending money.

In the late afternoon you found yourself in a small coffee shop that you thought looked so cute from the outside. You ordered a hot chocolate and the barista topped it with whipped cream and little red sprinkle hearts. You sat on a small table by the window and gazed at the people walking past.

So many people. On your planet, there were only 57 people in the colony you lived in, and everyone knew everyone. The endless swarms of unfamiliar and strange people was very exciting and nerve-wracking to think about, how easily you get lost in the crowd, how nameless and faceless you were.

The bell on the door sounded, bringing you out of your trance and watched as a few people went out, chatting loudly, and a couple walked in. They were both human, the woman walking in front of the man who held the door open for her. She was wearing a business jacket and a pencil skirt that accentuated her perfect hourglass figure, and had her dark brown, almost red hair pulled back in a tight pony-tail which made her look very stern and intimidating. But it was the man who caught your attention. He had dirty blonde hair that swooped up over his forehead and an endearing smile as he looked at the stern woman, the love behind his gaze making your heart warm. He moved his hand and brushed her ponytail over her shoulder, speaking to her softly, and she gave him a small smile, which was what he was looking for.

And as he reveled in his small victory his eyes flitted over his lover’s shoulder and found your watchful gaze. You met his blue eyes for a second, but quickly looked away before he could notice your stares, trying to hide the fact that you had just witnessed an intimate moment. You felt a touch embarrassed, but there was something else in your veins. A tinge of warmth, a zing of soft electricity. A feeling you couldn’t quite place.

You looked back to the couple tentatively, and found the man’s eyes on you still, his crystal blue eyes pouring into yours as he waited for their drinks. You meant to look away but found yourself locked to his gaze, his face a myriad of emotions, a million different ones all at the same time and it took you aback. Finally he was forced to look away as the barista handed him their drinks, and the couple moved to a table across the small cafe.

You couldn’t help but look over to them, the woman was talking to the man now, telling him a story and you almost jumped when his eyes met yours again. You looked away, staring into your almost-finished drink and you couldn’t help but feel guilty as his attention was still focused on you.

Blushing furiously, you tried to keep people-watching out the window, but his incessant gaze was beginning to make you nervous, your hands beginning to shake around your mug. You quickly finished off your drink and stood, collecting your small bag, and headed towards the door.

You reached the door at the same time as another figure who lunged forward and swung the door open for you. When you looked up to thank them your heart dropped into your stomach. It was the blue eyed man again, this time only a foot away, the details of his face coming into focus. Smooth, shaven skin, a strong jawline, full lips that were pressed into a straight line, and those eyes. They were even more stunning up close, more of an azure than a blue.

You gulped and shook yourself out of your trance, “Thank you.” You breathed.

“No problem.” The man said, not smiling at you, still studying you the way he did from across the cafe.

You skirted through the open door and out onto the busy streets, quickly getting swept up by the crowds, only throwing a glance back once you were a few stores down. You searched for his blonde hair, his brown leather jacket, those blue eyes, but to no avail.

You couldn’t find them.

Jim

When I saw you in that cafe, my heart stopped. Time stopped. It couldn’t be. And then your eyes met mine and my world did a 180 degree flip. It turned upside down.

You looked away quickly, as if embarrassed to catch my gaze but I couldn’t help staring at you. I was awoken from my trance with Eve’s hand on my arm and the barista handing us our drinks and we sat at a table at the other end of the cafe. Eve dove into a story about her day at work and I only felt a little guilty as my eyes roamed to you again. This time your eyes were already on me when I glanced over.

A million volts of electricity skimmed down my spine. It couldn’t be you. Eve’s hand on my arm brought me back to reality and I broke our stare, looking over to my girlfriend, her mouth forming the words, “are you alright, Jim?” I gave her a million dollar smile and assured her I was, and prompted her to continue her story. I watched you for a few more moments before you began to pack up your things to leave.

My heart pounded in my chest at the thought of you leaving and before I knew what I was doing I was reaching for the door, holding it open for you. I caught a whiff of your scent and a flash of doubt went through my mind. You smelled like sand and sun and heat. That wasn’t right. You always smelled of vanilla and salt and your favourite hand cream. How could this be you? There was no way.

My heart began to sink in my chest until you looked up at me. There was no mistaking it. It was you. Your hair was cut a little different and your skin was a little more tan, but it was you. I noticed a small scar on the top of your cheek that had not been there before and I had to restrain myself from reaching up and wiping it away, like it was a smudge of dirt. You thanked me and I somehow got a “no problem” passed my lips and then you were gone. My heart was walking away from me again.

I watched you weave into the crowd for a moment before Eve caught up with me, our drinks now in to-go cups. She questioned me on my sudden departure so I slung my arm around her waist, hoping to mollify any questions.

Then I saw it. A little speck of silver on the ground, unnoticeable to the crowds streaming past, but I would know it anywhere. I broke away from Eve and walked over to it. A little silver heart on a silver chain. My breath caught in my throat. It was the locket I gave you for Christmas one year.

It was sitting there like a beacon, like a homing signal and I scooped it up. The metal was cool against my palm and I could almost hear your voice saying “Come find me, Jay."

A memory flashed through my head as I stood there, of me chasing you around a children’s park, you screaming "Come find me, Jay. Find me!” I smiled at the fond memory, of the nickname you had used since the first day you met me, and looked down at the small pendant, knowing that it was not a coincidence that you dropped it. It called to me:

“Come find me, Jay.”

Come find me.

You stepped out into the busy streets again in the morning, your mind wandering to a certain pair of blue eyes and blonde hair. You had dreamed fitfully all night about him, recalling a strange amount of detail even though you had only seen him for the first time yesterday. The way he studied you in that cafe, the soft curve of his lips, the angle of his jaw. You tried to shake the images out of your head as you sipped your coffee and strolled to the place where you were to pick up the medication.

You reached your destination, but it was not what you expected. The directions took you into a small, dirty alley behind a flower shop and you now stood in front of a large door that didn’t seem to have any door knobs or handles.

You knocked on the rust-covered door three times, a sudden chill rushing down your spine.

You began to think that no one is going to answer and you would be left out here in the alley alone, but finally the door creaks open.

“What do you want?” A gruff voice sounds from the other side of the door.

“Oh!” You scramble for your papers and present them to him, “I have a requisition order from my planet for a few…”

He snatches the papers from you and slams the door shut. You look around incredulously, confused at his actions. You wait a moment before you raise your hand to knock again, but before you get the chance the door swings open, hitting your outstretched fist and sending you wheeling backwards.

A different man steps out of the door, this one extremely tall and slender, dressed in an immaculately cut suit. His dark eyes bore holes in your soul.

“Where did you get these papers?” The giant’s voice was deep and if his plan was to intimidate you, it was working.

You swallowed back fear and you composed yourself, “I…I… my village leader gave them to me.”

His gaze down your body and up again and you suddenly felt very exposed, “Hmmmm…"

You stood your ground, pulling your chest up and clutching your hands into fists at your side, "All I am asking is for the medications that are on that requisition letter and I will be on my way. Please.”

His solemn face stretched impossibly into a smile, sending chills down your spine.

“Little girl, I do not think you know with whom you are dealing with.” He grabbed your arm suddenly, his giant hand encircling your bicep with ease, “Now I don’t know anything about your medications, but I do have a requisition for something as well. And I intend to fulfill it.”

That was the last straw. You screamed at the top of your lungs and struck his arm as hard as you could, but he was too strong, to large. He loomed over you with that creepy smile and you screamed again, suddenly becoming dead weight to see if you could get him to drop you. Terror flooded your veins as he dragged you up with ease, still only with his grasp on your arm, so you were dangling by your shoulder joint. Now you yelped in pain and kicked out at him, trying in vain to connect with anything solid.

He turned around, pulling you with him and suddenly there was a flash of green and you dropped to hard ground, rolling quickly out of the giant’s grasp. You crab-walked backwards a few steps, your breath laboured and ragged, the air stinging your lungs, and you saw the crumpled giant form that was your assailant.

You looked around, confused, pressing your back to the alley wall and finally your gaze settled on a form that emerged from the shadows. It was the blonde-haired man from the coffee shop. The one that you had the dreams about. He strode quickly over to you, his phaser pointed at the giant. That must have been what knocked the man out, a phaser beam. He looked quickly back and forth from you to the giant, as if simultaneously checking to make sure you were alright and that the giant stayed down. He noticed you staring at the phaser.

“Sometimes when the person is larger, one stun beam doesn’t keep ‘em down.” He glanced again at the giant, seemingly assured that he was staying down, and holstered the phaser, “But that seems to have done the trick.”

His full attention was on you now. You felt your eyes still wide with fear and your mouth was open in shock at the series of events. The man kneeled down beside you now, bringing his blue eyes level with yours.

“Are you alright?” He gestured to your shoulder, “He grabbed you pretty hard.” You managed a nod, but your shoulder was aching terribly.

“Come on, we should get out of here, someone must have heard your screams and probably called the cops.” He nudged you and you stood with his help, still a little wobbly on your feet and you grabbed his arm momentarily for support.

You pulled away, the same feeling that you had felt when you had seen first him in the coffee shop flooding through you again as your skin brushed his.

“Shouldn’t we report this?” You stuttered, rubbing your arm gently.

“Yeah, but I think it will look pretty bad with me and my phaser and that guy on the ground. We can report it later, once we take a look at that shoulder.” He explained, pulling you gently down the alley and back to the main street.

Something in his tone made you wonder if there was another reason why he wasn’t sticking around, but you were more than happy to not have to talk to any cops at the moment, as your nerves were still rattled.

You followed the man through the streets, quickly getting lost in the crowd, his hand never leaving your elbow, directing you quickly around people and corners. You grew more and more irritated of his assumption that you would just happily follow him around, this stranger that you had only met today.

He pulled you into a small office building that held a sign for a doctor’s office on the outside. Walking straight past the people waiting in the waiting room, you felt kind of guilty but you were no match for the man’s determined pace. You were directed into a small office, basically shoved in there, the man following close behind, and you were faced with another man, this one with dark hair and brown eyes, and the name tag on the desk said “Dr. Leonard H. McCoy”.

The doctor looked startled at the sudden appearance of people in his office, but when he locked eyes with the blonde-haired man, he let out a groan.

“Jim, what the hell are you doing here?” Dr. McCoy got up from his desk and strode over to the other man, who you assumed was named Jim, looking very stern, “And who is sh…”

The doctor started but cut himself off when he looked at you. His eyes grew wide and his mouth seemed to be malfunctioning as it opened and closed randomly. Jim grabbed Dr. McCoy’s arm tightly, and indicated with his head towards the door. Jim half-dragged Dr. McCoy out the door leaving you standing in the small, non-descript office, alone.

You heard stiffled yelling from the two men outside the door, and only caught every other word that they said.

“It’s not…” Dr. McCoy argued. "But just…“ Jim countered. ”…not possible.“ Dr. McCoy stated firmly.

You jumped away from the door as it was opened by Dr. McCoy and the two men reemerged.

"Sorry about that, Jim just likes being very rude most of the time. I’m Dr. McCoy, but you can call me Leonard.” The handsome doctor extended his hand and you took it, wincing as the movement sent a sharp pain through your shoulder.

“Y/N.” You responded, rubbing at your sore shoulder.

You heard Jim let out a garbled squeak and met his eyes, his face flush and his mouth open.

“Jim, you don’t look so good, why don’t you take a seat?” Leonard glared at Jim, hard, until Jim backed into the chair and sat down with a thump.

“Listen, doctor, this really isn’t necessary, I better get going and contact my planet to tell them what happened, they’d be expecting communication by now…” You rambled, pulling away from Leonard’s gentle fingers that were examining your shoulder.

“NO!” Jim jumped up from the chair, and seemed to correct his sudden outburst as his next words were more controlled, “I mean, you were just attacked, you may not be safe out there. You can come stay with me and Eve until we sort all this out.”

“We?” You nearly exploded on him, “Excuse me, but there is no "we” here. I am eternally grateful that you saved me back there, but this is not your decision to make. Whatever they want, they are after me, not you.“

Jim started to interject but you cut him off, "Now maybe if you had thought for a second to tell me who you are, and why you followed me into that alley, maybe then I would trust you a little more. But you didn’t even work up the decency to tell me your name before you whisked me off 'oh-so-herocially’ to wherever the hell we are. Now, Jim who-ever-you-are, I am going now and if you try to follow me I will call the cops.”

The room had gone silent, and Leonard just looked back and forth between the two of you.

“I thought…"Jim stuttered.

"You thought wrong.” You spat as you swung the door open and stalked out of the office.

Jim:

Bones didn’t believe me.

“It’s her.” I assured, desperately wanting my best friend to understand.

Bones closed the door to his office as we stepped into the hallway, leaving you inside, and strode up to me, glaring.

“It can’t be, Jim, you know that.” Bones argued.

“But don’t you see her? Who else could it be?”

“Literally anybody else.” Bones hissed, trying to get you to come to your senses, “It’s. Not. Her.”

I couldn’t believe he would not have my back on this when it was so obviously you standing in that office.

“But just hear me out, Bones.” I snapped and pulled out the locket that I had found on the ground outside the cafe yesterday, “Do you recognize this?”

Bones regarded the locket as if I had pulled a dead rat out of my pocket, like he was disgusted.

“It’s not possible.” Bones grabbed my shoulders, his eyes pleading with mine, “She’s dead, Jim. I know how much it pains you to accept that, but I’ve seen you move on, you’ve recovered. Jim, the woman in there is not her.”

I couldn’t bear to look at Bones anymore and I pulled away from his grip, glowering at him and he turned to go back into his office.

“I thought it was you who said to see hope in the impossible.” I whispered.

Bones gave me a sad look, his hand resting on the doorknob, “That was Spock, you idiot, don’t be so melodramatic.”

And for a moment, as Bones re-entered the office and I was left in the hallway, alone, I doubted myself. Maybe I was wrong. You were gone and I had to face that, like I had every other day for the past three years. But when I walked into that office and saw you again all of that logic shattered.

It couldn’t be anyone else but you.

Your teeth ached by the time you got back to the hotel because you had been clenching your jaw the entire walk home and you only unfurled your hands from fists when you reached your door and needed to grab your access card. The whole situation had left you furious, confused and frustrated.

You grumbled to yourself as you reached your door, your aching shoulder doing nothing to help with your irritation. You tapped your access card to your room door.

ACCESS DENIED.

You tried again.

ACCESS DENIED.

Cursing audibly, you slapped your access card 15 more times against the panel next to the door, each time relaying the same message.

ACCESS DENIED.

“FUCK!” You yelled and turned to storm down to the reception at the lobby.

A yellow-green skinned receptionist was waiting at the desk, her large eyes the colour of grape medicine.

“My access card is not working.” You snapped, feeling bad for how grumpy you were being.

“Can I see it?” The receptionist asked, her voice high and tinkling.

You thrust your card at her, and she tapped a few buttons into the screen before her.

“I am sorry, miss, but your room card was deactivated at the request of a superior.” She blinked at you.

You blinked at her.

“What!?” You stammered, sinking your hand into your hair in frustration. "I have the room booked for one more night. Which superiors deactivated it?“

"I do not know which superiors, I simply have a note here stating that you are no longer rooming here with us.”

You groaned loudly, dragging a hand down your face, “Alright, well my stuff is still in there. I need my bags.”

“I am sorry again, miss, it seems your belongings were requisitioned by the superiors as well.”

“T-they WHAT?! I need my bags, and I have nowhere else to stay.” You pleaded.

“I am sorry, miss, if you wish to rent another room I would be more than willing to organize that for you.”

“I have no money.” Defeat washed over you and tear pricked your eyes, and you felt the sudden urge to scream at someone, but you knew it wasn’t the receptionist’s fault.

“I am sorry. I wish I had more information for you.” The receptionist’s eyes dipped in acknowledgement of your frustration.

“Thank you for your help.” You squeaked, storming away before the tears of frustration started flowing down your cheeks.

Outside the hotel now you pulled out your com. Your village leader would know how to handle this situation. You pressed the button and weren’t even surprised when the com didn’t go through. It was like you were calling a dead line. Just fuzz. Your com was working, but something was wrong with the connection to your planet.

Snapping the com closed, you pressed it against your forehead and sighed. What were you going to do? A wave of desperation, frustration, and hopelessness washed over you and suddenly you felt exhausted. You couldn’t get in contact with your planet. You couldn’t go back to your shuttle, as you needed the access card that was in your bag to do that. And you had nowhere to go.

Or maybe you did.

Using the map on your PADD you re-traced your steps back to the doctor’s office. It was near closing when you stepped in and got a few angry looks from some nurses, but you ignored them and pushed past to the doctor’s office. You knocked a few times on the door hearing a soft “come in” before pushing the door open.

Leonard looked up from his desk and his eyes widened when he saw you.

“Y/N.” He stood up abruptly and walked over to you, “are you alright, is your shoulder bothering you?”

“It’s fine.” You pursed your lips, “I need a favour, actually.”

“Oh.” Leonard’s mouth formed a little ‘o’, “What do you need, darlin’?”

The term of endearment combined with the soft concern that lined his features made you break down into tears. You pinched the bridge of your nose but couldn’t control the sob that escaped you.

“I’m sorry.” You sobbed, trying to regain control so you could explain yourself.

“It’s alright, you’ve had a rough day.” Leonard neared you, wrapping you up in a big hug and you leaned into his solid form.

After a few moments you felt yourself relax and you pulled away.

“Thank you.” You blubbered and took the kleenex that Leonard handed you.

“No worries, darlin’, now what can I help you with?"

You gave him a weak smile and blew your nose, "Ummm… I just got kicked out of my hotel room with no money, no change of clothes, and no connection to my planet. And I was thinking about Jim’s offer from before, he seemed very nice, even though I screamed at him, and I was hoping you could give me his contact information.”

Leonard looked at you as if you had asked him to give you a colonoscopy. Quickly his face changed, as if he was trying to act nonchalant, “Of course I can.”

“Thank you.” You breathed a sigh of relief and handed him your PADD.

He quickly tapped the location in, “There ya go, darlin’.”

“Thank you again, Leonard. For everything.” You leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek, taking the PADD from his hands.

His cheeks turned red as you walked towards the door.

“Tell Jay I say hi.” Leonard’s voice was soft and small, as if he was unsure of something.

It was like his words were amplified by a speaker, reverberating suddenly in your head and your vision went white. You leaned on the door for support but the unsteadiness cleared quickly.

You looked back at him curiously, suddenly sweating, and he gave you a calm, cool gaze as if he just didn’t witness you nearly fall over.

“Oh sorry, it’s a nickname for Jim. Some people used to call him that.” The doctor explained, his tone neutral.

You nodded at his words, confused, but you decided to ignore it, sliding out the door.

You triple checked the number that Leonard had written down before knocking on the door. The door opened quickly and a dark haired woman stood in front of you.

“Yes?” She asked, looking down at you.

You had been expecting Jim to answer the door and had practiced your speech over and over on the walk here, but seeing her made your mouth dry up and you forgot how to speak.

“I-I…” You stammered.

“Who is it, babe?” You heard a male voice from the kitchen, the only logical source being Jim.

“I don’t know. She won’t say anything.” Eve said coolly, her gaze stone cold.

Jim’s head peeked around a corner of the apartment and your heart fluttered nervously in your chest.

“Y/N?” His smile dropped off and he looked positively stunned to see you.

“Hi, Jim.” Suddenly you had your words back, “So I am here because I got kicked out of my hotel room, I have no money, no bags, no way to contact my home planet and I was wondering… well hoping really… that the offer you gave before still stood. That I could potentially stay with you until I sort everything out?”

You spoke so fast you weren’t sure if either of them understood you. Jim emerged from around the corner and you were almost speechless again at the sight of him wearing a dark green apron over his clothes. He must be cooking.

Suddenly the distinct scent of cinnamon rolls wafted through your senses as well as another flash of white clouding your vision, but only for a moment.

“Mhmmm… Are you making cinnamon rolls?” You asked in a daze, the smell making your mouth water.

Eve glared down at you as if you were crazy and Jim’s jaw almost dropped to the ground.

“Uh.. no, actually it’s pork roast.” Jim explained, “But I do love a good cinnamon roll.”

You smiled at him and then up at Eve, who raised her eyebrow.

“I’m sorry for intruding on your evening but I really have no other place to go.” You said sadly, tears suddenly pricking your eyes again.

“No, of course. Come in.” Jim responded, gesturing for you to come in and you stepped past Eve’s stern glare and into the wonderfully warm apartment.

“Thank you.” You said, turning to Jim and Eve.

“Jim, I think you and I need to talk. Y/N, please, make yourself at home.” Eve stated, but you doubted she meant it, and she quickly grabbed at Jim’s arm and dragged him into another room.

When Jim emerged, several minutes later, he looked shaken. You had taken to watching the city out the window, letting a few small tears drip down your face in response to the exhausting day you had.

“Do you need any help with dinner?” You asked, your voice not as confident as you would have liked.

“You’re our guest, Y/N, you don’t have to help.” Jim responded as he tended to the roast in the oven. You wanted to help. Needed to do something so you wouldn’t feel as helpless.

“I just feel so useless, and I have to pay you back somehow.” You rasped, and you felt tears prick your eyes again.

Jim seemed to sense your frustration and turned on a soft smile, “Hey, it’s our pleasure. Well at least my pleasure. I don’t think Eve is going to be too fond of sharing her clothes with you.”

Though you knew that Jim was just trying to make you feel better, the fact that Eve might not like you made you feel like an even bigger burden and you drew your eyes to the floor.

“How about after dinner we make cinnamon rolls. I think we have all the ingredients. And I’ll even let you lick the bowl after.” Jim joked and the sheer idea of making cinnamon rolls with a man you had just met, already having cried in his apartment and were hated by his girlfriend, made you giggle.

“Alright.” You responded, bringing your eyes to Jim’s with a smile.

Every second that you looked at Jim made you relax more. The zing of electricity shot down your spine again, and again you couldn’t place the sensation. But for some reason, as you moved to sit at on the bar stool on the counter opposite Jim, you felt at home.

And you really needed home right now.

Jim:

“Babe, I can explain.”

“You better, Jim.” Eve sassed and turned on me, nearly slamming the door behind her.

“I met her today, alright. She was in a bit of a… sticky situation, and I helped her out of it.” I tried to explain, to reason with Eve.

“So you offered her our home? What if she’s crazy? Like an ax murderer or something?” Eve asked, her voice low and harsh.

“She’s not an axe murderer.” I started to feel my blood boiling, “She just need a place to stay tonight, Eve, maybe a change of clothes, a shower and a good bite to eat. I can take her to the police station tomorrow.”

Eve regarded you for a moment and I felt the hope die in my chest. I needed you to stay here, just for one night, just to see if you were, well… you.

“Fine. Just one night.” Eve stepped closer to me, resting her hands on my shoulders, “You are just too kind sometimes, Jim. It’s one of the things I love about you.”

She leaned in and pressed a kiss to my mouth, but for some reason it didn’t feel right with you on the other side of that door. She pulled away and turned on her heels, striding into the bathroom, and I knew that I was going to have to make this whole situation up to her somehow.

A memory flashed through my mind now, of you and I making cinnamon rolls. It was our Friday night tradition. It had started before we even started dating, when one night the fire alarm went off in your room and I went in to find you pouring water over two black lumps that had come out of what looked like a make-shift microwave. Knowing Scotty, he must have helped you build it. You had begged me not to report you, as you were only trying to carry on a tradition that you had done at home with your family, and you missed them terribly. You even started crying. I said of course I wouldn’t report you, and helped you clean it up, promising next week to help you make proper cinnamon rolls. And the rest was history.

The sound of the timer on the oven brought me out of my trance and I strode back into the main room, heading for the kitchen. You stood by the window, looking out at the city, and you seemed so sad, so despondent, that it made me want to wrap you up in a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay.

You turned to me as I crossed over to the kitchen and I met your eyes, which were red and puffy and tired-looking. I knew I had to help you, but I didn’t know how. When you had shown up at the door I felt my entire world center around you, like it was shifting focus all of a sudden, like I couldn’t see anything else but you.

“Do you need any help with dinner?” Your voice was so raw it grated against my soul.

“You’re our guest, Y/N, you don’t have to help.” I chided, giving you a smile as I pulled the pork roast out of the oven.

“I just feel so useless, and I have to pay you back somehow.” You pleaded, and I thought for a second you were going to cry again.

“Hey, it’s our pleasure. Well at least my pleasure. I don’t think Eve is going to be too fond of sharing her clothes with you.” I joked, trying to get a smile from you, but you only frowned deeper.

As I plated the roast I had an idea, “How about after dinner we make cinnamon rolls. I think we have all the ingredients. And I’ll even let you lick the bowl after."

You giggled now and the sound was music to my ears.

"Alright.” You whispered, smiling over at me.

I felt this warmth come over me. Like a blanket, or a batch of warm cookies, or a big hug after a long time separated. It felt like home. You felt like home.

And I really needed home right now.

The evening spent with Jim and Eve was actually very pleasant. You thought it would be full of awkward silences and forced questions, but once you started to make the cinnamon rolls, you actually started laughing and having a good time. Even stone-cold Eve warmed up to you, and she gave you a tour of the small apartment when you told her how much you admired it.

It felt so good to be among humans again. 3 years on your planet, treating and dealing with aliens was fun and an interesting learning experience, but you had grown tired of translating everything in your head and dealing with their grumpy nature.

When exhaustion swept over you, you tucked yourself onto the couch, snuggling under the blankets that they gave you.

“Need anything else?” You heard Jim’s footfalls as he rounded the couch and appeared in your vision. You shook your head, pulling the blankets up under your chin and looking up at him. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and nodded, pausing a moment to watch you before he left.

“Oh! I almost forgot!” Jim approached you, pulling something out of his pockets, “Is this yours?”

You sat up a bit to see the object that he dangled between two fingers. A little silver heart on a chain. You reached forward and admired the small charm, a flash of white going through you when the cool metal touched your skin, but you didn’t recognize the necklace.

“Nope, not mine.” You shrugged, using your thumb to open the small locket, revealing a small picture of a clean-shaven Jim on one side where the other side of the locket was empty.

“Must be Eve’s.” You suggested, turning the locket around to show Jim the picture.

The devastation on his face was distinct as he retracted the pendant, closing it into his palm, I guess you’re right,” he whispered, tucking it into his pocket before he turned to walk away.

“Goodnight, sweet dreams.” He called as you settled yourself back into the couch and your vision went white for a moment before clearing.

Before you could get too concerned about what all this white-vision stuff was about, you felt your eyelids grow heavy and you soon found sleep.

“Damn, it’s raining. The traffic’s gonna be slow. Better leave now.” Eve said to Jim and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before grabbing her umbrella and rushing out the door.

“It’s raining?” You asked once the door was closed behind her and you took your mug of coffee and moved towards the window.

It was true. This morning the rain was pouring down, soaking everything and anything it landed on, and you could see people rushing about, trying to avoid getting soaked. But the way the light of the streetlights shone on the silvery puddle and the dark grey, almost blue clouds looked beautiful to you. After years of constant sand and sun, rain was a relief.

“I’m just gonna hop in the shower, you need anything before I go?” You heard Jim’s voice from across the room but you couldn’t tear your eyes from the beautiful scene in front of you.

You shook your head, watching a small child in bright yellow rainboots jump into a puddle, splashing a not-so-ecstatic parent with the murky water. The child laughed and jumped again, and you couldn’t help but smile.

You heard Jim turn on the shower and you couldn’t help it anymore. You needed to feel the drops on your skin. You remembered that Eve had said something about a rooftop and a stairway to get there and you only had to search for a few minutes before you found the door. You climbed the cement stairs, your heart racing in anticipation of the feeling of the rain on your skin, the taste of it on your lips and the way it would run through your hair.

You swung the door at the top of the stairs open and stepped out onto the small terrace, breathless as you took in the view. The city was spread out in front of you, the short glass railing allowing for perfect viewing of the cityscape, and you admired its vastness and intricacy. The city was twisted and stretched above you and around you, the topsy-turvy architecture that was Yorktown combined with the dark sky was breathtaking. The clouds were shades of greys and blues that you had never seen before. The poured rain down in sheets, the sound of the droplets hitting the terrace was deafening.

Taking a tentative step forward, the pyjamas you borrowed getting instantly soaked, you raised your bare arm into the rain, the sensation on your skin exhilarating. You ran forward onto the middle of the terrace now, the rain hitting you full on, soaking you from head to toe. A squeal of delight escaped you and you raised your face to the sky, the cool water sliding down your face, down your neck in refreshing streams, your clothes and hair instantly sticking to your skin.

Time itself seemed to stop as you stood there, the thrill of finally feeling rain on your skin after all this time making your heart flutter and your mouth stretch into a smile.

Jim:

I panicked only for a moment when I came out of the shower and you weren’t there. My heart stopped as I looked around the empty apartment, wondering only for a moment if I imagined that you were here. Then I saw the mug you had been using on the table by the door to the terrace and I knew exactly where you went. You always loved the rain.

Our first kiss had been in the rain. After 6 long months on the Enterprise we finally docked for shore leave and I had taken you out to dinner for the first time. I had expressed my discontent at the rain that started to pelt the window half-way through our meal but you looked at it like it was the best thing in the world.

I knew then that I wanted nothing more than to have you look at me like that. Like I was a long lost friend, or the first change in colour of a sunset sky, or like I was the only one in the world that you wanted. When we walked back to the ship for the evening you pulled away from me to stand beneath a streetlight and you began to twirl, your dress getting soaked instantly. You looked beautiful. I walked over to you and you pulled me close, my heart drumming under your fingertips tracing my collar but you didn’t seem to notice. We swayed back and forth, staying frozen in time for endless moments and when you pressed your lips to mine I became yours. The water slipping between each kiss made you smile and I couldn’t let you go. Even when you started to shiver from the cold. I just pulled you closer.

When I saw you again on the terrace it all came back to me. I stayed out of your view for a moment, just admiring the exact same way you had your head tilted back, the way the water slid down your neck and fell from your fingertips. And once again I was breathless. Once again you had encapsulated me. And it nearly broke me apart knowing I couldn’t have you.

“Enjoying yourself?”

The sudden voice made you turn, breaking through your trance. Jim was standing just inside the door so as to not get soaked by the rain. You hadn’t thought you were outside for that long, but you couldn’t help but smile at the sight of him and you raised your arms up in the air and spun in a circle.

“YES!” You yelled through the roaring rain and you laughed in glee.

Jim yelled something back to you but you couldn’t make it out over the sound of the rain. You gestured with your hands that you didn’t understand and he looked torn for a moment before he strode out into the rain, walking towards you.

The certain set to his walk and the gleam in his eye sent a flash of white to your vision again but this time there was something else. An exact copy of Jim but in different clothes and with a street light above his head rolled over your mind and you nearly stumbled back in confusion.

“I have a meeting to go to right now, but I will be back in an hour and then we can go to the police station, sound good?” Jim’s voice cut through the image of him that was imprinted on your brain and you shook your head, sending rain droplets and the image flying.

“Uh… Sounds good.” You gasped, trying to get your eyes to refocus again.

“You alright?” Jim’s hand came to rest on your elbow and you flinched away from his touch unintentionally, still trying to stop your mind from spinning.

“Fine! I’m fine. Thanks. See you in an hour.” You rambled, standing about a foot away from him.

He looked like he was going to say something else, but he just closed his mouth, turned on his heel, and left.

When he was gone, you went inside, the rain not feeling as refreshing and nice as it had before so you dried off, changed clothes, and curled up next to the fireplace.

About 20 minutes later the front door opened and you nearly jumped, not expecting anyone this early, as Jim said he was going to be gone for an hour.

It was Eve.

“Oh, hey, Eve. You scared me.” You laughed, standing and folding the blanket over the back of the couch.

“Sorry, Y/N. Umm…. where’s Jim? I thought he was going to take you to the police station?” She inquired, shaking out her umbrella and setting down her bag.

“He said he had a meeting of some sort, would be back in an hour. Then we were going to go.”

“Oh! Right! His meeting. Well, my boss sent me home because of the weather, what a lazy ass he is.” Eve laughed and you chuckled in return.

There was a few moments of awkward silence as you and Eve just stared at each other, before she spoke, “C'mon. No use waiting for Jim, I’ll take you to the police station.”

Eve turned to grab her umbrella and reached for the door. Surprisingly, a sense of disappointment washed over you, as you were hoping to have some one-on-one time with Jim, as you found him amusing and nice to look at.

“You don’t have to! It’s your day off, and I don’t mind waiting for Jim.” You conceded, wringing your hands in front of you.

“Nonsense, the faster we go to the police station, the closer we are to getting you home and your bags back.” Eve explained and opened the door.

You were still dumbfounded at the sudden change in plans and stood frozen.

“C'mon. It’s not a far walk.” Eve rolled her eyes and stalked out the door.

You quickly followed, not having a coat to wear so you ran after her, the rain quickly soaking your clothes before you caught up and stood under the umbrella with her.

“I have something to show you first. Best view in the city.” Eve smiled and squeezed your arm, and you smiled back.

She lead you to a tall apartment building, and you tried your best to follow Eve’s quickening pace, the building strangely desolate as you rode the elevators up to the 24th floor. You stepped out, still dripping rain water, into an airy, empty office space, all the furniture slid up against one wall and covered in plastic. Floor-to-ceiling windows lined one wall, and the view of the city was breathtaking.

“Wow.” You exclaimed as you admired the new view, the rain clouds sitting low over the city.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” She mused as she moved beside you, her fingertips gently resting on the glass.

You hummed in response, now resting your hand on the cool glass, feeling the repercussions of the rain against the pane.

“Have you ever been in love?” Eve’s voice was loud, echoing around the room.

The question took you aback, and you looked over to her.

“No. Not real, true love. Kid love, maybe. But never true love.” The words felt odd coming out of your mouth for some reason, as if you were lying.

“Hmmm… it’s wonderful, let me tell ya.” Eve mused as she pulled away from the glass to move to across the room, and you followed her, dragging your toes on the dusty floor.

“Jim is a great guy.” You smiled over at her, and when she turned to face you your smile fell, suddenly feeling small even though you were a few feet from her.

“He is, isn’t he?” Eve considered and she thrust her hands in the pockets of her coat.

“You are one lucky girl.” The conversation felt off, forced.

Eve chuckled once, low, the corners of her mouth turning up for a moment before her face turned serious and she looked up at you.

“He loved someone once before me, you know? Like really loved her. How am I supposed to live up to that? True love?” Eve’s rambling was getting frantic now and you started to back away slowly.

“I think we should just head to the police station before the rain gets worse.” You suggested, trying to deflect the awkward conversation topic.

You turned towards the window, your back now to Eve, and you began walking in the direction of the elevator.

Then, suddenly, the sound of metal clicking against metal. A sound you had never heard in real life, only in old movies and it sent shivers of fear down your spine.

You turned slowly to face Eve, praying for another source of the sound.

But your suspicions were correct. You brought your eyes to the object in Eve’s hand and your stomach flipped. It was a gun. And old fashion metal pistol.

And it was pointed straight at you.

“E-Eve?” You stuttered, staring into the barrel of the gun, "What are you doing?“

"I am finishing what I started.” Eve stated, her cool gaze sending shivers down your spine.

You stood frozen in fear for a moment, unable to do anything but stare at her. Her dark hair contrasted against the grey sky that shone through the window behind her. Her dark suit jacket and skirt, sharp and fitted, making her look intimidating and fierce. And the gun in her hand made her deadly.

“Started what?” You questioned, keeping your hands as steady as you could at your sides.

“Oh right, you can’t remember.” She spat, the gun swinging as she gestured with her hands, making you flinch.

“Eve. I don’t know what you are talking about.” You explained, keeping your voice neutral, “Now if you put the gun away, we can talk about whatever you think I did.”

Eve’s mouth stretched into an evil grin, her voice syrupy and stingingly-sweet, “You would like that, wouldn’t you? But I’m not letting you get away again. You’re mine.”

You looked at her, dumbfounded. Unable to form words at the sudden assault. Trying desperately to recall what she was talking about. The only thing you could bring back to your memory was the sight of freshly-spilled blood. A man in a blue shirt knelt over a prone form. Your insistence that he stop his actions, that you get out of there. The unsafe-ness of the whole situation.

“Haven.” The word slipped off your lips with the faint memories.

Eve smiled at you now, her eye sparkling terrifyingly, “Yes. The planet you visited. Where you were to save the inhabitants from a rampage lizard-monster. Where the lizard-monster had already attacked a young man and his family. Where you told Dr. McCoy to stop performing CPR on that same man. Where you left him behind in favour of heading back to the Enterprise.”

The images were starting to form in your mind now, the details filling themselves in.

“I didn’t… The monster…” You searched, trying to remember what happened next.

“The man you left back there.” Eve began, her face losing all emotion,“He died, not in the jaws of the lizard-monster, no, he died because you forced Dr. McCoy to leave him behind. To take the woman that had not been attacked and go back to the ship. Even though she begged you to go back for him. It was you that said no.”

A tear swam down your face now, understanding rushing through you, “It was your fiancé. The woman we rescued… Oh my god. That was you.”

Eve started laughing now, low and sinister, and you gawked at her, at this whole crazy situation, at the memory that had just returned to you.

“Eve. I am so sorry.” You gasped, your shaking hands now finding your hair, disregarding the gun pointed at you for a moment, “I don’t… I didn’t remember.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Eve spat, “Because it was just another mission for you. Just another day. I LOST EVERYTHING THAT DAY!”

The words she screamed echoed against the empty walls and you flinched, your eyes on her shaking finger that hovered around the trigger.

“I lost everything and you just laughed. Laughed at my pain. Laughed as the love of my life bled to death on the floor of his family home. You got to go home in the evening with your boyfriend. You hugged him, kissed him and went on with your day. You were happy. You made it out alive. You didn’t care about anyone else.” Eve snarled, bringing you in the sights of the gun again.

You threw your hands up now, trying to recall the events that occurred after the mission, but it was all fuzzy. Her dark eyes bored into yours and you felt a shiver of fear slide down your spine.

“Is that why you’re going to kill me? For revenge?” You croaked, trying to make sense of the situation.

“Oh you silly girl. That’s why I wanted to kill you the first time. I was angry, incoherently so, but now I see clearer, now I have a plan.” Eve sneered, stepping closer to you, and fear kept you locked in place.

“Kill me the first time?” The words left your mouth, and you dreaded the answer.

“Ah, yes. A few weeks after you murdered my fiancé, I heard talk of you going on another mission. So I plotted, sneaking into the shuttle bay after hours, tampering with things that I knew nothing about. And then I waited.” Every word felt like a blow to your heart.

There was a shuttle crash? And you had died? You couldn’t remember anything about either.

“Y-you tried to kill me?” You sputtered, swallowing down the lump that was forming in your throat.

“Well obviously I didn’t do a good enough job.” Eve rolled her eyes and closed the distance between you and her, pressing the cool metal of the gun under your chin, “I didn’t realize the aliens of the planet you crashed on had such sophisticated medical technology. So they saved you. I paid them to keep you on the planet but somehow you got free. And now you’re here.”

Adrenaline flooded through your veins and tears pressed at your eyes. Panic was setting in and it was all you could do not to scream or curl up in the fetal position. Instead you brought your eyes to hers.

“So why haven’t you shot me yet?” You voiced, trying to keep yourself from showing fear, “if you want revenge so bad, why haven’t you shot me yet?”

Eve gave you a sickeningly evil grin and her eyes flicked to something over your shoulder.

“Because. I want him.”

Jim:

I only started to panic when I stepped out onto the streets, having tried calling your com a million times. I called Eve’s com and she didn’t answer either.

I searched the crowds for a minute before I received a message.

Leighner Tower. 24th floor.

There was no sender and I probably should have hesitated, set a plan in place, and I heard Bones’ voice in my head. To think this through.

But I couldn’t. It was you. I couldn’t hesitate.

Fear and adrenaline rushed through me as I took the what seemed like never-ending elevator ride to the 24th floor.

As the elevator car shot upwards, the day of your death flashed through my mind. It was just another day. Just another away mission and you were so exited to go. I didn’t even say a proper goodbye. Just a light kiss and a hug and you were off, smiling and skipping all the way to the shuttle bay.

If I had known what was going to happen next, how it was going to feel watching your shuttle malfunction, how I screamed at Scotty to fix it, to get you back up, I would have made my goodbye more meaningful. I would have held you close and whispered how much I loved you, over and over, kissing you softly and deeply so you knew how deep the feelings I had for you ran.

But I didn’t. And I have regretted that moment for the past three years. And now you, being here, seeing you again, it made me think I might get a second chance. A second chance to tell you how much I love you, to kiss you again. It killed me how much I wanted that.

No matter what was at the end of this elevator ride I was getting you back. I had to.

But I was not expecting the sight in front of me as the doors slid open, revealing the empty, dusty office space..

I took in the scene in pieces before I put the whole picture together. A gun. The fear in your eyes as you turned to look at me. Eve’s arm coming around your neck.

The gun pressed into your temple. I couldn’t breathe.

You couldn’t die.

Not again.

Eve’s arm hooked around your neck, making you spin around, your back against her now and you were facing Jim, who stepped off the elevators just as the hard metal of the gun pressed against your temple.

“Eve?” Jim’s tone was garbled, confused, his stance hesitant and unsure.

“Hello, darling.” Eve sang from behind you as you struggled for air.

“What the hell are you doing? Let her go.” Jim sounded fierce now, the captain in him revealing itself.

“I can’t do that, Jim.” Eve pushed.

“Why not? What is this?” Jim asked, licking his lips.

“This is the end of my suffering, Jim.” Eve taunted, digging the gun into your skin.

“She did something to my shuttle, Jim, the day I died. I can’t remember but…” You began but were cut off by Eve’s hold on your neck getting suddenly tighter.

“You don’t get to talk. You have no power here.” Eve said sharply into your ear and black spots swam into your vision.

"Jim?” You squeaked, unable to get any other words past your lips.

“It’s okay, Y/N, it’s going to be okay.” Jim assured, but you could see the fear behind his eyes.

A tear slipped down your cheek, and you pressed your eyes shut as you felt the metal of the gun sliding from your temple down to your chin and back.

“Jim, Jim, Jim.” Eve’s taunting voice in your ear sent chills of fear down your spine, “why do you always lie to everyone?”

Jim looked like he was ready to pounce as you hesitantly re-opened your eyes.

“You’re going to be fine, everything is going to be all happy and cheery and we are going to live happily ever after.… HA.” Eve jeered, her mocking tone cutting into you like a dull knife, and you bit back a shout as the hard barrel of the gun dug into your skin.

“Why are you doing this?” Jim asked desperately and took a tentative step towards you and Eve.

The distinct sound of Eve cocking the pistol sent a new shot of adrenaline coursing through your body, making you gasp and more tears flowed down your face.

“Ah, ah, ah, Jim, stay right where you are or your precious little resurrected girlfriend dies.” Eve threatened.

Girlfriend? You thought to yourself as Jim raised his hands in surrender and took a small step back.

“The man in the alley, that was your doing, wasn’t it?” Jim questioned, and you could tell he was trying to keep this situation under control, to buy time to come up with a plan.

“Very good, James.” Eve cooed.

“And the locket?” Jim asked, his blue eyes flicking between yours and Eve’s.

“I planted it there to make sure you tried to find her again. I didn’t mean for you to stun one of my guys, but the end result was still the same.” Eve’s words were ice cold daggers.

“My hotel room. You cancelled it didn’t you?” You rasped, starting to put the puzzle pieces together.

“Not my best work, but I didn’t expect you to turn down Jim’s offer to come stay with us, so I improvised.” Eve purred into your ear.

“Why? Why all this complicated scheming? What do you want?” Jim breathed, his eyes desperate and searching.

Eve’s breath brushed past your ear, “It’s plain and simple, really, I want her to feel what I felt that day. The feeling when I had to leave my heart behind, lying in a puddle of his own blood.”

Ice flowed through your veins, stinging your heart, and you could barely breathe for the pain in your chest. You searched Jim’s face, begging silently for him to look up at you, but his eyes were focused on the floor, probably trying to remember that day on Haven.

“You killed her.” Jim breathed, his eyes now sliding up and meeting Eve’s, the look on his face fierce and grave as he continued, louder now, “You killed the love of my life, Eve. I watched her die as I was stuck on the ship, helpless. I watched my heart crash into the surface of a planet, her shuttle in a million pieces.”

Jim paused, the silence in the room near palpable, and you could only stare at him through your watery vision. As you listened to his words, his proclamations of love to you, images swum in your vision and you gasped in pain at the sharpness of their trek through your brain. You couldn’t make sense of anything, but you knew you recognized a certain set of crystal blue eyes in all of the images.

“I trusted you, Eve. I could even say I loved you.” Jim hissed, his tone so cold and severe that it made the images in your brain disappear, “You took her away from me.” He was starting to panic now, his hands trembling as he ran them through his hair, “Her death tore me apart. You don’t get to say I don’t understand. I know exactly what you are feeling because you did the same to me. You do not get to play God, Eve.”

His words echoed in the empty room, bouncing off the walls and reverberating in your eardrums, giving you the sudden strength to struggle against Eve’s vice-like grip. You clawed at her arm, jabbing your other elbow into her gut, but she had the upper hand.

“Y/N!” Jim yelled and when you heard him try to run to you, the barrel of the gun suddenly met the back of your head with an astounding amount of force.

You barely had time to cry out before you hit the floor and then the images were back, sharp and unrelenting this time, blotting out your vision. You saw Jim again, but this time not just in images, but little video clips. Jim at the beach. Jim in bed, the blankets tucked around his chin. Jim wearing nothing but his underwear, cooking eggs. Jim in his captain’s chair, looking fierce.

“Eve, let her go.” Jim demanded, his voice never wavering.

“I can’t do that, James.“ The gun scraped into the back of your head as she spoke. "You may know my pain, but she doesn’t.”

You pressed your palms into the cool linoleum floor, trying to comprehend everything that was going on. There was something you were missing, and you knew it. Memories that you couldn’t quite recall. Were these images and video clips memories? They didn’t seem like your memories, they seemed like Jim’s memories.

“Jim. I can’t remember. You say you love me but I can’t remember.” You cried out quietly, tears flowing down your cheeks again.

“I know. It’s okay. I know.” He responded, his voice breaking slightly.

Suddenly the sound of a gunshot rang out in your ears and you screamed, throwing your arms over your head and pressing your forehead to the floor. The shot had landed about an inch from your head and had left a mark in the linoleum.

"Enough.” Eve called, “Jim, I am sorry I have to do this.”

There was a sudden, smooth movement above your head, and you looked up to see the gun now not pointed at you, but at Jim.

“She needs to know my pain. She needs to know the pain she caused, Jay.” Eve insisted and at her last word the world turned sideways.

The images flew back into your head, the rest of the world falling away quickly, the memories now playing not only as images, but as if you were watching a movie.

Jim at the beach. No, you and Jim at the beach, laughing as he scooped you up and dumped you in the saltwater, the sun beating down on the two of you.

Jim in bed, the blankets tucked around his chin that you pulled at because he had stolen all the covers. He looked so peaceful and innocent in his sleep, but you were freezing. He resisted for a moment before his eyes peeked open and he wrapped the covers around you, pulling you to his chest.

You, walking into the kitchen wearing Jim’s baggy t-shirt, Jim wearing nothing but his underwear, cooking eggs just the way you like them. You, wrapping your arms around his stomach from behind, pressing your face into his shoulder blades, pressing kisses there.

There were many more of these sporadic memories, and they all had something in common. A feeling of overwhelming happiness. Tears spilled down your cheeks relentlessly as one more memory appeared in your vision, this one not so happy.

Jim in his captain’s chair, looking fierce. You weren’t with him this time, but rather you seemed to be in your own ship, on a downward trajectory towards the ground. It must have been what Eve was talking about, the day you died. You weren’t scared, per say, but rather you were sad. You saw Jim’s face in front of yours, the communication system still intact somehow, and watched as tears streamed down his desperate and vulnerable face. You couldn’t hear anything in your memory but you saw him mouth the word, ‘no’. You gave him a weak smile, letting a few tears fall yourself as you stared into the crystal blue eyes. ‘I love you’ you mouthed back and watched as he let out a yell seconds before you collided with the ground.

You broke abruptly and painfully from the memories and unlocked your arms from around your head to allow yourself room to breathe, pushing frantically at the hairs that fell into your face. When you got yourself under control you realized that though it had felt like hours that you were watching the memories, it was more like seconds. Eve was still behind you, gun pointed at Jim, who stood frozen in front of you, watching your agony.

You lifted your head achingly to look at Jim, whose eyes were locked onto yours. You were seeing him differently, suddenly, as if you remembered and recognized things that had been lost before. The curve of his mouth and how it felt on yours. Each plane of his face and how they moved with every different emotion he felt. The way his hair swooped and where it stuck up, and how if felt to run your fingers through it. You finally recognized him.

One word rung out in your mind like a bell in a silent church.

“Jay.” The syllable fell from your lips like you had said it a million times, like it was your last breath, or your first, it broke you apart.

Relief flooded his features and it was like he was falling apart before you, his lips parting as if he had been holding his breath and had just been waiting for this moment to breathe again.

“Y/N.” He called, using your nickname rather than your full name and it was like music to your ears.

Then the gun pressed to the back of your head again.

“So sweet.” Eve taunted, and you suddenly felt yourself being tugged to your feet, standing just in front of Eve, the gun pressed between your shoulder-blades. "I was hoping using his nickname would trigger your memory. It’s about time it came back.“

"Why would you care about my memory coming back?” You gulped, wanting nothing more than to run to Jim, be circled in his safe, strong arms.

“Because that was the last piece of my plan.” Eve’s voice was even and deadly.

“What…” You began to ask when you felt the gun leave your back.

You didn’t have time to process what was happening until you heard the gunshot.

You’d thought for a second that you’d been shot.

And it was only when you saw Jim stagger backwards a few steps, his hand flying to his chest, that you knew you were wrong.

A flash of red beneath his fingers.

He sunk to his knees.

No.

“Jim!” You screamed and were surprised to find yourself free to run forward to him, you would have thought Eve would have restrained you.

“No, no, no, no,no .” You cried, quickly kneeling next to Jim, taking his head in your hands.

“I…” He struggled and you helped lower him to the floor when he swayed towards you.

“Jay, no.” You slid your hands onto his chest, moving his hands to press on the red stain that was ever-spreading.

The wound was just right of his sternum, and every ragged breath that Jim took made more blood spill out. Tears streamed down your cheeks now and you looked to Jim’s face, his skin growing ever grey, his eyebrows furrowed in pain, and his mouth opening and closing as he tried to get a good breath.

“I can’t… Y/N… I can’t breathe.” Jim rasped and you leaned closer to his face, his eyes meeting yours, the colour now dull compared to the crystal colour which they usually were.

“I know, Jay, I know.” You cried, leaning in and pressing your cheek to his. "I know, just try for me. You have to live. For me.“

"Alright, that’s enough.” A different voice made your head snap up.

Eve. You had forgotten she was even there.

Suddenly you were being dragged to your feet again, away from Jim, two sets of large hands encircling your biceps easily. You kicked out, screaming Jim’s name as you were pulled away, your veins full of heat and anger and anguish as you stared down at Jim’s prone form, the blood stain now spreading onto the floor.

“JIM! NO! JIM!” You screamed over and over, but the hands on your arms never faltered.

“Now you know.” You barely registered Eve’s form appearing in front of you.

You gasped for breath as you continued to kick and cry out for Jim.

“Now you know what it is like to have your heart be ripped out in front of you.” Eve’s voice was calm in the raging storm of your emotions, and it only made you more angry.

“LET ME GO! I NEED TO SAVE HIM! LET ME GO!” You wailed.

“I’ve had enough. Drug her so we can throw her in the shuttle.” Eve said, her dark ponytail swishing as she turned and walked to the elevators.

You barely had time to let Jim’s name leave your lips one more time before the world went black.

You woke up in a world of pain. Spots shimmered before your eyes as you peeled your head off of the back of the seat you were in. You swallowed thickly, your tongue feeling impossibly large in your mouth. Your head slumped forward onto your chest and it took all of your power to lift it again.

You focused all of your energy on making your vision stop being blurry and you finally saw what was in front of you.

Space.

Endless amounts of black, peppered with white speckled stars.

Looking around, you realized that you were in a shuttle, a pod of some sort, and you were buckled into the seat. The interior was small, the glass window in front of you inches from your face, and you were hurtling through space, the control panel below the window blinking away, showing your trajectory and speed.

Your head flopped forward again and your hands came into your view. They were red. Stained red up to your wrists, but with what?

That’s when the memories of what had just happened hit you. The red was blood. Jim’s blood. Jim lying on the floor of the office, bleeding to death. You being hauled away. Eve’s cool, indifferent glare on yours.

Jim.

The memory of his graying skin, the light leaving his eyes made your heart rate jump suddenly and you found yourself heaving for breath.

Memory after memory flowed over you, new ones that you hadn’t seen before when you were back in the office. You cried out as they split your brain apart, as everything you had lost came back to you. The amount of love you felt for Jim bored holes in your heart and tore at your insides because you had forgotten. You had forgotten him. The man that had your heart. You had forgotten.

Suddenly the inside of the ship was too small. The window in front of you was too close to your face. The walls narrowing in on you.

Panic sank into your veins and you lashed out, beating at the walls and window with your fists, bloodying them, now with your own blood. Screaming for someone to get you out of here. Screaming for Jim. Screaming for all you lost.

Your throat was sore and raw when exhaustion finally hit you and you slumped back into your chair, utterly empty. Your limbs were heavy and hollow, and you couldn’t find the energy to even wipe the blood off your hands.

The memories still grated against your mind. Scraped against the back of your eyes, revealing themselves one after another. They were raw and ragged as they tried to fit themselves into the timeline of the last few years.

The problem wasn’t that the memories didn’t make sense or that they overwhelmed you, no.

It was that you remembered not remembering. You remember the emptiness that was your mind over the last three years. How you knew nothing of Jim. Didn’t try to escape or find him. You had lost days, months, and years with him.

Hot tears dripped down your face for these lost moments. You gulped back sob after sob as grief wracked your body.

At some point you must have fallen asleep, because you had to heave your sticky eyelids open when you heard the fuzz of a com connection.

“Hello?” A voice suddenly sounded, the connection unsecured and spotty, but it was a connection none-the-less.

You couldn’t get your mouth to move to form words at the sudden surge of hope that exploded within you.

“Anyone there?” The voice on the other end had a distinct accent to it, and sounded vaguely familiar.

“Y-yes, I’m here.” You suddenly heard your own voice, hoarse and ragged from your screaming fit.

“Ah! There is a connection, I was worried for a moment that we didn’t get it.” The accent was now easily identifiable as Scottish, and you were suddenly able to place the voice.

“Scotty?” You breathed, fresh tears perking on your eyelids.

“Lass, we’ve got you, now just give me a few minutes and we can beam you up- aGH!” Scotty was cut off at the end, and you found a smile on your mouth at the prospect of being rescued.

“Y/N?” A new voice sounded. Leonard.

“Len?” You called, tears slipping down your face now at the familiar friend.

“I… you remember? Oh thank god! I was beginning to think your amnesia wasn’t going to pass.” Leonard sounded relieved from the other side of the com.

A sudden strike of panic laced through you again as you remembered your reason for being on this shuttle, “Jim? Len, where’s Jim?”

“He’s…” Leonard started but sounded like he was shoved out of the way.

“Lassie, we are locked onto your signal. Ready to come home?” Scotty’s cheery voice now took over the com.

You let out a shaky breath, “Yeah, Scotty. Beam me up.”

After a familiar tug at your belly you were suddenly standing on the hard surface of the transporter room. You looked around nervously, your knees weak after being seated in that cramped shuttle for so long, but somehow you stayed standing. You were back. You were home.

Relief flooded over you and you gasped in jagged and labourous breaths.

“Glad to have you back with us, Lassie.” You heard a scottish accent drawl, recognizing the voice instantly as Scotty’s and you looked up to see his smiling face appear over the transporter console.

“Where’s…?” you began to ask when a strikingly familiar voice sounded .

“Y/N?” The voice belonged to a blue-eyed, blond form that appeared at the foot of the transporter pad.

“Jay?” You breathed and looked into his eyes, tears now streaming down your face as overwhelming emotion overtook you.

You barely had time to breathe before you were wrapped into his strong arms, Jim squeezing you into a desperate and shaky hug. You wrapped your arms back around him and crushed your face into his chest, soaking his jacket in your tears.

He was saying your name over and over, one of his hands gripping your waist, the other pressed into the back of your head. His face was pressed against your temple and you felt your knees give out beneath you, and you sunk to the floor, still wrapped in Jim’s embrace.

You sobbed into him and you could hear him crying too, out of relief and sadness and finally being safe.

Only when you began trembling violently and leaning into Jim more did you feel him falter beneath you. You brought your head up to look at him but were caught with a stabbing dizziness, probably from all the blows to your head. Jim tried to support you but you heard him hiss in pain.

Suddenly another set of hands pulled you from behind, “Jim, I can take her from here, she needs to go to the medbay.” You recognized the voice as Leonard’s and you let him pull you away from Jim, your vision spinning wildly as he lifted you up into his arms, "Jim, you should come too, your wound has started to bleed again.“

This caused you to open your eyes and through the black spots and stars you saw a red stain spreading over Jim’s shirt. He had been shot. How had you forgotten?

"Jay…” You croaked and reached for him but Leonard held you back.

“He’s alright, darlin’, I patched him up myself, but he should be resting in bed.” Leonard’s voice rumbled against your ear as your head flopped against his chest.

You felt the sway of his steps beneath you as he began walking back to the medbay, the sound of Jim’s footfalls close behind, but you couldn’t see him.

“How long was I in that shuttle?” You asked, assuming it was longer than you thought if Leonard had time to save Jim’s life and Jim be well enough to get out of bed.

“About three days.” Leonard breathed, his voice laced with concern, “You probably haven’t had any food or water since then either, but don’t worry, I’ll get you all healed up.”

Three days? Another three days you couldn’t remember. You felt yourself stiffen in panic and Leonard’s grip on you got tighter.

“Just relax for me, darlin’.” He chided, and you let a few tears out before sinking back into his arms.

“Thank you, Leonard.” You whispered into his chest, and he only hummed in response as you had reached the medbay, your vision going spotty all of a sudden before you felt the world spin and you dove into a vat of darkness.

When you woke up, you had the biggest headache you could ever imagine. You squinted your eyes against the bright lights of the patient room and lifted your head, which elicited another sharp stab of pain.

A feeling of disappointment settled over you when you didn’t see Jim by your bedside.

“I told him to go home and rest.” A deep voice sounded from above you and to the left.

It was Leonard.

“He was by your bedside for 72 hours straight. So I told him to go back to his quarters and rest, I can send for him if you want.” His hazel eyes were calm as you met them and you let out a breath that you didn’t realize you’d been holding.

You shook your head lightly in response, “No, I think I want to see him when I feel better. When I am able to process this all better.”

Leonard smiled down at you knowingly, “Alright. You feeling okay? How’s your head feeling?”

“Like I’ve been hit in the head repeatedly with a gun and been deprived of food and water for three days.” You responded with a smile.

Leonard chuckled softly, “It’s good to have you back, Y/N.”

You nodded, unable to form words around the lump in your throat. But this time you didn’t cry. You were left on the biobed as Leonard left, feeling the safest you had ever felt in the past few days, and you couldn’t bring yourself to feel happy.

Everything was different now. Everything had changed. How were you going to fit back in your old life when it had gone on without you for three years? Were you supposed to just jump back in with both feet? It sure seemed that way. And that scared the crap out of you.

A few minutes later, Leonard came back in, a gentle look on his face, “Jim’s here, do you want to see him?”

A rush of emotions hit you. Panic, anxiety, desperation, sadness, excitement, and longing all swept over you at once at the thought of seeing Jim and you couldn’t handle it. You heard your heart rate spike on the monitor and Leonard walked over, his gaze concerned as he looked at the screen and then back at you, his question still hanging in the air.

Your voice was hoarse and ragged as you forced yourself to form words,“No, Len, I… I think I just need a little more time.”

Leonard just nodded, looked at the screen one more time, turned and left, closing the door behind him.

And you were alone again.

You knew you were going to have to face Jim eventually, but didn’t want to be lying on a bed, your vital signs displayed for all to see, showing your inner emotions.

So you sat alone, only you and your memories, trying to figure out how things were going to go back to normal. Or what normal really was.

You tried to capture the years that had gone missing, tried to fathom all time you had spent apart from Jim. All the moments you weren’t going to get back.

All the days you had lost.

How were you going to get them back?

Jim:

As I waited for Bones, lying on the office floor in a pool of my own blood, I only entertained for a moment the possibility that I was actually going to die there. The only reason I really cared was that I didn’t know if Bones could find you without my help.

I had called him when I received the message that told me where you were, telling him that if I didn’t send him a com in an hour, to come in after me. Of course he had tried to get me to back down, to let him help me, but I didn’t have time. You didn’t have time.

He took a lot longer than I thought he was going to, and images played in my brain over and over. Your eyes on mine. The gun pressed to your head. The crazed look in Eve’s eyes. You finally remembering me. Then the gun pointed at my chest. Then a deep pain. Your hands on my face. You calling my name.

You.

As I watched them take you away, kicking and screaming and calling my name, as I watched them drug you, your body going instantly limp, an odd sense of happiness pulled at my brain. I was dying. But I was happy.

It could have been delirium, that’s what Bones would have said, or something to do with the blood loss, that would have been the logical reason, Spock would have informed. But I couldn’t help but think it was because of the way your eyes met mine when you remembered. The way your lips formed my name when you finally remembered. You remembered me.

I felt my entire world shift again, if that was possible. You were alive. And the entire world could have exploded and I wouldn’t have cared because you came back to me.

When Bones finally showed up, he went into full doctor mode, and I just let him work, let him fret over me because that’s what he did best. Eventually he stopped the bleeding enough to move me and then suddenly we were beamed aboard the Enterprise.

I asked Bones where you were, told him there was no way in hell he was operating on me until I knew you were safe. But it was a half-hearted response as he literally had his hands inside the hole in my chest, trying to stop the bleeding. So he called me a ‘god-damned idiot” and told me that he had already told Scotty and Spock about the situation, and that they were already searching for you. The only problem was how difficult it was going to be to find a small mission pod in the middle of the galaxy.

“Where did Eve and her goons go?” I asked, fading in and out of consciousness.

“I have no idea, Jim. They weren’t there when I got there, and for all they know their plan worked. They must have had a shuttle on the roof and taken off somewhere.” Bones informed.

I could only groan in response, stars bursting behind my eyes as Bones dug deeper, trying to find the bullet. Bones’ worried glare met mine many times, ordering me to stay awake, and I tried, I really did, but eventually sleep was easier than staying awake, and I slipped easily into darkness.

It hurt when Bones told me you didn’t want to see me.

But I understood, or at least tried to understand, so I rested, much to Bones’ bewilderment, and waited for you. I had waited three years already, what was one more week?

We would make up these lost days. We could find home again.

Because that’s what you were to me. What you are to me. Home.

The great blackness of space was a lot less magical when you had just been floating around in it for three days, waiting to die, praying that the love of your life wasn’t dead.

You looked wistfully out the windows in your quarters, into the great beyond. Nothing but stars and blackness and emptiness and space. You thought of all the miles and light years that you had spanned over the time since you boarded the Enterprise, since you’d been rescued, and you had to remind yourself that you had been on the ship for many miles and light years before, with Jim.

Thinking of Jim made your heart sink into your chest. Like your heart wanted to hide and disintegrate into your innards but was stopped by something. Was stopped by hope.

You had to constantly remind yourself that you weren’t lost anymore. That that feeling of emptiness and blackness and space was gone, had shattered the moment you met Jim. The moment you found Jim again.

It ached in you now, that pressing, sinking, empty feeling that made you unable to catch your breath and made stinging tears press at your eyes.

The sound of your name behind you shook you out of the maze of thoughts that you were lost in.

“Y/N.”

A sob almost escaped you, and your breath caught in your chest as you spun around, taking in Jim’s form standing near the door. He looked as lost as you felt. His shoulders slightly hunched and his arms hanging loosely at his sides, his whole demeanor not one of a fierce captain, but one of a lost soldier, a little boy who doesn’t know how to get home.

“Jay.” You gulped, trying to swallow down the lump in your throat.

“How do you feel?” His voice cracked, and the innocent question hung in the air as he met your eyes.

You felt your soul set on fire as you dove into the crystal blue-ness of his eyes. Oh, how familiar those eyes were to you, how beautiful.

“A lot better, thanks, and you?” You breathed.

“Just fine.”

“Bones told me what happened after they drugged me.”

Jim nodded.

It felt like someone was continually stabbing your heart with a blunt knife at the politeness of the conversation, how forced it was, like you didn’t have to suppress every fiber in your being that was screaming at you to run to him, to hold him again.

“I remember everything, Jay.” The words tumbled quietly out of your mouth without you telling them to.

Jim’s eyes snapped up to yours and your heart skipped a beat.

“You do?” He mouthed, and you could tell he tried to make his voice audible but couldn’t get the air past his vocal cords.

You nodded.

And then the tears came. Flooding down your cheeks, like a silent waterfall. Everything that had been building up inside of you in the past couple days released, like a dam breaking, and tremors wracked your body. All the emptiness, all the confusion and frustration and incomplete-ness that you had felt drained out of you, purged from your brain as you sobbed. A river flowed down your cheeks. An ocean surged inside your brain. Jim didn’t move to embrace you or wipe the tears away, as if he knew that you needed to let this out. That this act of sorrow was not about him, but about you, and all you had lost, all you had been through. Memories flashed before your eyes, happy ones and sad ones and terrifying ones and you just let them roll over you.

They all faded except for one.

“I died, Jim. I remember dying.” You gasped and grasped the fabric of your shirt with shaking fingers.

“I know, Y/N.” He consoled with a shaking voice, “Darling, I can only imagine how hard it must be to suddenly remember all this. To suddenly remember me.”

You almost laughed at his words, how absurd they sounded. How could you ever have forgotten him? This beautiful man who held your heart in his hands.

“That’s why I didn’t want you to come see me in the medbay. I needed time to process everything, and you would have just made it a lot more complicated.” A weak smile tugged the ends of your mouth up, and you wiped at stray strands of hair that found their way onto your face.

A soft smile reached Jim’s lips as well, and you felt as if all of your energy had suddenly drained from your body, a sense of calm pouring over you as you looked at him, memories now budding and blossoming before your eyes.

You noted a passing memory and unintentionally let out a laugh.

“Do you remember shore leave that one time, when you took all the Bridge crew to see a sci-fi move and Spock spent the entire time telling us how “scientifically incorrect” it was? You smiled.

Jim looked distant, as if he was remembering as well and a smile formed on his lips, “Yeah, Bones kept shushing him and then they started bickering in the row in front of us.”

You laughed as the images formed in your mind.

Jim continued, “and after 20 minutes you and I decided to ignore them and spent the rest of the time…”

“Making out in the back row like teenagers.” You both said at the same time.

This story had been told so many times that you had memorized it and you both chuckled, the tension in the room finally easing.

“I miss you.” You exhaled shakily and your smile faded, as well as Jim’s.

Jim cocked his head to the side and gave you a sympathetic gaze, taking a step towards you, “I’m right here, Y/N, I’m with you.”

You shook your head in disagreement to his statement, “I know that, Jay, but it feels as if I am missing you like I would have if I had remembered you before, after I had woken up.” It was hard to explain in words what you were feeling.

“Like I miss the years we lost. All the days and moments and memories that we are never going to get back. I miss those.” You gasped.

Now it was Jim’s turn to shake his head, “We have our whole future ahead of us, Y/N!” His voice grew with quiet excitement, and he took another step closer to you, “Screw the last three years! They are done. Gone. And don’t get me wrong, they were the worst years of my life. It destroyed me when I thought you were gone.”

He paused and took a few shaky breaths before his sparkling blue eyes met yours and his fingers brushed yours, tugging you closer by your fingertips.

“But there is so much ahead of us, Y/N. Years and years ahead of us. It’s all right there, waiting, years that I never thought I’d get with you.”

Tears began to prick your eyes again, your emotions rising up and becoming all tangled again, “I don’t know, Jay.” You paused, staring at the floor, “I don’t even know where to start.”

You were still ensnared in the feeling of being lost, and panic began to rise in your throat at the thought of never being found again. You couldn’t find the strength to pull your eyes off the floor, couldn’t meet those expectant blue eyes for fear of internally combusting.

A warm finger pressed under your chin, tilting your head up for you, and you didn’t combust when his eyes met yours, instead it was like a lock clicking into place. The memories stopped swimming around in your brain, and instead slotted themselves into your mind, the overwhelming feeling of the constant images finally receding. It was all you could do to push air in and out of your lungs as things settled in your brain, and Jim was patient, noticing your internal struggle and waiting.

“How about we start here.” Jim breathed and your eyes flitted closed as his lips found your cheek gently.

Another memory slotted into place.

“And here.” Another kiss, to your opposite cheek.

Things grew quieter in your brain.

“Here.” A kiss to the tip of your nose, making you smile.

Silence. Only one thing on your mind now. The man with his hands in your hair and his lips mere inches from your own.

Before you could take in another breath you pressed your lips to his. Your mind completely went quiet now. You were so enveloped in the feeling of him, of Jim, of his hands moving down to your neck and his lips desperately on yours that you almost forgot to breathe.

It was not a gentle kiss. It was a kiss of longing and waiting and hoping and missing and desperation. It was hands pulling and arms wrapping and lips pressing. It was like a storm. A hurricane.

You pulled away to catch your breath, but a hand on the back of your neck kept you from going too far, and Jim held your forehead to his. You ran your shaking fingers down his chest and moved them to wrap around his back, pressing your bodies flush together.

“I love you, Y/N.” Jim said carelessly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

You froze, but thankfully he kept talking, his hand now moving to cup your cheek and you wrapped your hand around his wrist.

“And I know this is way too much for you to deal with right now, and frankly I don’t know how you are actually holding it together as well as you are, so you don’t have to say it back right away. I just want you to know that I never stopped loving you. Never. Not when I met Eve, not when I was out exploring space, not even when they handed me your ashes.”

A few tears fell from Jim’s eyes now, and you released your grip on his wrist to wipe the tears away, and he leaned into your touch.

“I missed you so much I could barely breathe. When I found you again it was like a weight was lifting off my chest.” He was starting to panic now, you could tell, his eyes growing wide and big tears straining down his cheeks, “Like I was finally free. And when you didn’t remember me? It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart over and over. You were looking at me but you weren’t seeing me. It was like I was a mirage and you couldn’t believe I was real.”

You stopped his ranting with a gentle finger to his lips.

“Shhh…” You chided and gave him a smile.

Leaning in, you pressed your lips to his softly, slotting your lips with his, sending all the love and reassurance you could into the kiss, letting him know that you were here, alive, and his.

“I love you, Jay.” You whispered as you pulled away, and watched as his face broke open with relief and he smiled.

He pulled you in for another kiss, and you smiled onto his lips, unable to hide the giddy feeling that his lips on yours elicited from you. Happiness now dripped over you, slowly blotting out all of the nervousness, all of the unsureness that you had felt before, and you leaned into him, knowing deep within that you were exactly where you belonged.

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge. Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

A voice sounded over the paging system, interrupting your never-ending kiss. Jim seemed to ignore the call, and it was you who finally pulled back, a smile never leaving your lips.

“Jay, you have to go.” You insisted, and laughed when he dove in, trying to capture your lips with his again and you held his face away with your hands.

“No way. I’m sure they can handle whatever it is without me.” Jim griped, his eyes now sparkling and full of life as he looked at you.

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge. Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

The voice sounded again and Jim groaned, his head falling forward into the crook of your neck, his soft hair brushing against your skin. You laughed and held the back of his head, running your fingers through his hair as you rocked gently, as if to soothe him.

“It’s okay, little Captain.” You cooed and he chuckled into your skin, sending waves of happiness over you, “We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

Jim lifted his head now and smoothed his hands over your waist and hips, pulling your body tight to his and meeting your eyes fiercely. He let out a deep breath and smiled, his eye closing as you carded your fingers through his hair. You reveled for a moment in the fact that you could do this again, that you could touch him and look at him and kiss him.

“That we do, beautiful, that we do.” He sighed, and tilted his head so your fingers had better access to his hair.

A surge of happiness prompted you to kiss him again, wanting nothing more than to feel his lips against yours indefinitely, forever, to never lose another day without them, without him. Jim leaned into the kiss, and you could feel him smiling beneath your lips as his fingers hooked into the fabric of your shirt.

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge. Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

With an exasperated gasp Jim pulled away, actually stepping away from you, the sudden loss of his body against yours making you frown.

“Okay, I better go. Spock’ll have my head if I ignore the com one more time.” Jim turned towards you, his words not matching his stance, as he looked like he wanted nothing more than to wrap you in his arms again.

“How about I come with you?” You suggested, and Jim’s features lit up instantly.

“Will you? I don’t think I can bear one more second without you by my side.” Jim roused, “I keep feeling like you are going to disappear again, slip through my fingers.”

You stepped forward and entwined your fingers through his.

“I’m not going anywhere, Jay.” You avowed, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “I’m staying right by your side as long as the universe allows it.”

Jim beamed at you now and pressed a quick kiss to your lips before leading you out the door.

It was strange, walking these halls, hand-in-hand with Jim. It was familiar and new at the same time. Like a memory becoming a reality. And for once in the past week your heart didn’t feel like it was going to disappear inside your chest, you knew it was safe, protected by the man who was walking beside you, hand in yours.

Reaching the Bridge, Jim didn’t let go of your hand even as he was bombarded with information and began to give orders. He made his way to his chair and sat down in it, and you stood to the side, fingers still entwined with his, and he stroked your skin as he addressed Sulu and Chekov who both smiled at you in recognition. You were ecstatic to see them as well, to be back by Jim’s side. Surveying the busy room with a smile, you nodded to Spock who sat at his spot in the corner, and he nodded back. You gave a little finger wave to Uhura at her station and she gave you the biggest smile you had ever seen.

A hand came to rest on your shoulder suddenly and you looked up to see Leonard smiling down at you, and you reached your free hand up to his. “Thank you.” You mouthed at him, giving his fingers a quick squeeze before he removed his hand from your shoulder.

You looked down to Jim now, in his chair, doing what he does best, and you smiled fondly down at him. His head tilted back and his eyes turned to you, a shimmer of hopefulness laced in his features, and you gave his fingers a squeeze now, and he returned the gesture.

Turning your eyes forward, to the vastness of space and time that was laid out in front of you as the Enterprise and all it’s crew hurtled through the universe, you felt content and light, like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

Whether Jim had found you or you found him still remains a mystery, but you couldn’t care less, because as you stood next to him, your love, your heart, surrounded by your friends and family aboard this ship, you knew everything was going to be okay.

You had found those lost days. You were home.

-Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it!-

I am not going to tag anyone in this one, as this is mostly for me to have this whole story in one place. It is a monster of a piece.

Thanks for all of your support again, guys, you rock.

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