#captainkirkangst

“Where did Eve and her goons go?” I asked, fading in and out of consciousness. 

“I have no idea, Jim.  They weren’t there when I got there, and for all they know their plan worked.  They must have had a shuttle on the roof and taken off somewhere.” Bones informed. 

I could only groan in response, stars bursting behind my eyes as Bones dug deeper, trying to find the bullet.  Bones’ worried glare met mine many times, ordering me to stay awake, and I tried, I really did, but eventually sleep was easier than staying awake, and I slipped easily into darkness.  

It hurt when Bones told me you didn’t want to see me.  

But I understood, or at least tried to understand, so I rested, much to Bones’ bewilderment, and waited for you.  I had waited three years already, what was one more week?  

We would make up these lost days.  We could find home again. 

Because that’s what you were to me.  What you are to me.  Home. 

The great blackness of space was a lot less magical when you had just been floating around in it for three days, waiting to die, praying that the love of your life wasn’t dead.  

You looked wistfully out the windows in your quarters, into the great beyond.  Nothing but stars and blackness and emptiness and space.  You thought of all the miles and light years that you had spanned over the time since you boarded the Enterprise, since you’d been rescued, and you had to remind yourself that you had been on the ship for many miles and light years before, with Jim. 

Thinking of Jim made your heart sink into your chest.  Like your heart wanted to hide and disintegrate into your innards but was stopped by something.  Was stopped by hope.  

You had to constantly remind yourself that you weren’t lost anymore.  That that feeling of emptiness and blackness and space was gone, had shattered the moment you met Jim.  The moment you found Jim again. 

It ached in you now, that pressing, sinking, empty feeling that made you unable to catch your breath and made stinging tears press at your eyes.  

The sound of your name behind you shook you out of the maze of thoughts that you were lost in.  

“Y/N.”

A sob almost escaped you, and your breath caught in your chest as you spun around, taking in Jim’s form standing near the door.  He looked as lost as you felt. His shoulders slightly hunched and his arms hanging loosely at his sides, his whole demeanor not one of a fierce captain, but one of a lost soldier, a little boy who doesn’t know how to get home.  

“Jay.” You gulped, trying to swallow down the lump in your throat. 

“How do you feel?” His voice cracked, and the innocent question hung in the air as he met your eyes. 

You felt your soul set on fire as you dove into the crystal blue-ness of his eyes. Oh, how familiar those eyes were to you, how beautiful.  

“A lot better, thanks, and you?” You breathed. 

“Just fine.”

“Bones told me what happened after they drugged me.”

Jim nodded. 

It felt like someone was continually stabbing your heart with a blunt knife at the politeness of the conversation, how forced it was, like you didn’t have to suppress every fiber in your being that was screaming at you to run to him, to hold him again.  

“I remember everything, Jay.” The words tumbled quietly out of your mouth without you telling them to. 

Jim’s eyes snapped up to yours and your heart skipped a beat. 

“You do?” He mouthed, and you could tell he tried to make his voice audible but couldn’t get the air past his vocal cords.  

You nodded. 

And then the tears came.  Flooding down your cheeks, like a silent waterfall. Everything that had been building up inside of you in the past couple days released, like a dam breaking, and tremors wracked your body.  All the emptiness, all the confusion and frustration and incomplete-ness that you had felt drained out of you, purged from your brain as you sobbed.  A river flowed down your cheeks.  An ocean surged inside your brain.  Jim didn’t move to embrace you or wipe the tears away, as if he knew that you needed to let this out.  That this act of sorrow was not about him, but about you, and all you had lost, all you had been through.  Memories flashed before your eyes, happy ones and sad ones and terrifying ones and you just let them roll over you. 

They all faded except for one.  

“I died, Jim.  I remember dying.” You gasped and grasped the fabric of your shirt with shaking fingers.  

“I know, Y/N.” He consoled with a shaking voice, “Darling, I can only imagine how hard it must be to suddenly remember all this.  To suddenly remember me.”

You almost laughed at his words, how absurd they sounded.  How could you ever have forgotten him?  This beautiful man who held your heart in his hands.

“That’s why I didn’t want you to come see me in the medbay.  I needed time to process everything, and you would have just made it a lot more complicated.” A weak smile tugged the ends of your mouth up, and you wiped at stray strands of hair that found their way onto your face. 

A soft smile reached Jim’s lips as well, and you felt as if all of your energy had suddenly drained from your body, a sense of calm pouring over you as you looked at him, memories now budding and blossoming before your eyes.

You noted a passing memory and unintentionally let out a laugh. 

“Do you remember shore leave that one time, when you took all the Bridge crew to see a sci-fi move and Spock spent the entire time telling us how “scientifically incorrect” it was? You smiled. 

Jim looked distant, as if he was remembering as well and a smile formed on his lips, “Yeah, Bones kept shushing him and then they started bickering in the row in front of us.”

You laughed as the images formed in your mind. 

Jim continued, “and after 20 minutes you and I decided to ignore them and spent the rest of the time...”

“Making out in the back row like teenagers.” You both said at the same time. 

This story had been told so many times that you had memorized it and you both chuckled, the tension in the room finally easing. 

“I miss you.” You exhaled shakily and your smile faded, as well as Jim’s.  

Jim cocked his head to the side and gave you a sympathetic gaze, taking a step towards you, “I’m right here, Y/N, I’m with you.”

You shook your head in disagreement to his statement, “I know that, Jay, but it feels as if I am missing you like I would have if I had remembered you before, after I had woken up.”  It was hard to explain in words what you were feeling. 

“Like I miss the years we lost.  All the days and moments and memories that we are never going to get back.  I miss those.” You gasped. 

Now it was Jim’s turn to shake his head, “We have our whole future ahead of us, Y/N!” His voice grew with quiet excitement, and he took another step closer to you, “Screw the last three years!  They are done.  Gone.  And don’t get me wrong, they were the worst years of my life.  It destroyed me when I thought you were gone.” 

He paused and took a few shaky breaths before his sparkling blue eyes met yours and his fingers brushed yours, tugging you closer by your fingertips. 

“But there is so much ahead of us, Y/N.  Years and years ahead of us.  It’s all right there, waiting, years that I never thought I’d get with you.”

Tears began to prick your eyes again, your emotions rising up and becoming all tangled again, “I don’t know, Jay.” You paused, staring at the floor, “I don’t even know where to start.”

You were still ensnared in the feeling of being lost, and panic began to rise in your throat at the thought of never being found again.  You couldn’t find the strength to pull your eyes off the floor, couldn’t meet those expectant blue eyes for fear of internally combusting.  

A warm finger pressed under your chin, tilting your head up for you, and you didn’t combust when his eyes met yours, instead it was like a lock clicking into place.  The memories stopped swimming around in your brain, and instead slotted themselves into your mind, the overwhelming feeling of the constant images finally receding.  It was all you could do to push air in and out of your lungs as things settled in your brain, and Jim was patient, noticing your internal struggle and waiting.  

“How about we start here.” Jim breathed and your eyes flitted closed as his lips found your cheek gently.  

Another memory slotted into place.  

“And here.” Another kiss, to your opposite cheek. 

Things grew quieter in your brain. 

“Here.” A kiss to the tip of your nose, making you smile.  

Silence.  Only one thing on your mind now.  The man with his hands in your hair and his lips mere inches from your own.  

Before you could take in another breath you pressed your lips to his.  Your mind completely went quiet now.  You were so enveloped in the feeling of him, of Jim, of his hands moving down to your neck and his lips desperately on yours that you almost forgot to breathe.  

It was not a gentle kiss.  It was a kiss of longing and waiting and hoping and missing and desperation.  It was hands pulling and arms wrapping and lips pressing.  It was like a storm.  A hurricane.  

You pulled away to catch your breath, but a hand on the back of your neck kept you from going too far, and Jim held your forehead to his.  You ran your shaking fingers down his chest and moved them to wrap around his back, pressing your bodies flush together.  

“I love you, Y/N.” Jim said carelessly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.  

You froze, but thankfully he kept talking, his hand now moving to cup your cheek and you wrapped your hand around his wrist.  

“And I know this is way too much for you to deal with right now, and frankly I don’t know how you are actually holding it together as well as you are, so you don’t have to say it back right away.  I just want you to know that I never stopped loving you.  Never.  Not when I met Eve, not when I was out exploring space, not even when they handed me your ashes.”

A few tears fell from Jim’s eyes now, and you released your grip on his wrist to wipe the tears away, and he leaned into your touch. 

“I missed you so much I could barely breathe.  When I found you again it was like a weight was lifting off my chest.” He was starting to panic now, you could tell, his eyes growing wide and big tears straining down his cheeks, “Like I was finally free.  And when you didn’t remember me?  It felt like someone stabbed me in the heart over and over.  You were looking at me but you weren’t seeing me.  It was like I was a mirage and you couldn’t believe I was real.”

You stopped his ranting with a gentle finger to his lips.  

“Shhh...” You chided and gave him a smile.  

Leaning in, you pressed your lips to his softly, slotting your lips with his, sending all the love and reassurance you could into the kiss, letting him know that you were here, alive, and his. 

“I love you, Jay.” You whispered as you pulled away, and watched as his face broke open with relief and he smiled.  

He pulled you in for another kiss, and you smiled onto his lips, unable to hide the giddy feeling that his lips on yours elicited from you.  Happiness now dripped over you, slowly blotting out all of the nervousness, all of the unsureness that you had felt before, and you leaned into him, knowing deep within that you were exactly where you belonged.  

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge.  Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

A voice sounded over the paging system, interrupting your never-ending kiss.  Jim seemed to ignore the call, and it was you who finally pulled back, a smile never leaving your lips. 

“Jay, you have to go.” You insisted, and laughed when he dove in, trying to capture your lips with his again and you held his face away with your hands. 

“No way.  I’m sure they can handle whatever it is without me.” Jim griped, his eyes now sparkling and full of life as he looked at you. 

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge.  Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

The voice sounded again and Jim groaned, his head falling forward into the crook of your neck, his soft hair brushing against your skin.  You laughed and held the back of his head, running your fingers through his hair as you rocked gently, as if to soothe him. 

“It’s okay, little Captain.” You cooed and he chuckled into your skin, sending waves of happiness over you, “We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

Jim lifted his head now and smoothed his hands over your waist and hips, pulling your body tight to his and meeting your eyes fiercely.  He let out a deep breath and smiled, his eye closing as you carded your fingers through his hair.  You reveled for a moment in the fact that you could do this again, that you could touch him and look at him and kiss him. 

“That we do, beautiful, that we do.” He sighed, and tilted his head so your fingers had better access to his hair.

A surge of happiness prompted you to kiss him again, wanting nothing more than to feel his lips against yours indefinitely, forever, to never lose another day without them, without him.  Jim leaned into the kiss, and you could feel him smiling beneath your lips as his fingers hooked into the fabric of your shirt. 

“Captain Kirk to the Bridge.  Captain Kirk to the Bridge.”

With an exasperated gasp Jim pulled away, actually stepping away from you, the sudden loss of his body against yours making you frown.  

“Okay, I better go.  Spock’ll have my head if I ignore the com one more time.” Jim turned towards you, his words not matching his stance, as he looked like he wanted nothing more than to wrap you in his arms again. 

“How about I come with you?” You suggested, and Jim’s features lit up instantly. 

“Will you?  I don’t think I can bear one more second without you by my side.” Jim roused, “I keep feeling like you are going to disappear again, slip through my fingers.”

You stepped forward and entwined your fingers through his. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Jay.” You avowed, pressing a kiss to his cheek, “I’m staying right by your side as long as the universe allows it.”

Jim beamed at you now and pressed a quick kiss to your lips before leading you out the door. 

It was strange, walking these halls, hand-in-hand with Jim.  It was familiar and new at the same time.  Like a memory becoming a reality.  And for once in the past week your heart didn’t feel like it was going to disappear inside your chest, you knew it was safe, protected by the man who was walking beside you, hand in yours. 

Reaching the Bridge, Jim didn't let go of your hand even as he was bombarded with information and began to give orders.  He made his way to his chair and sat down in it, and you stood to the side, fingers still entwined with his, and he stroked your skin as he addressed Sulu and Chekov who both smiled at you in recognition.  You were ecstatic to see them as well, to be back by Jim's side. Surveying the busy room with a smile, you nodded to Spock who sat at his spot in the corner, and he nodded back.  You gave a little finger wave to Uhura at her station and she gave you the biggest smile you had ever seen. 

A hand came to rest on your shoulder suddenly and you looked up to see Leonard smiling down at you, and you reached your free hand up to his. "Thank you." You mouthed at him, giving his fingers a quick squeeze before he removed his hand from your shoulder. 

You looked down to Jim now, in his chair, doing what he does best, and you smiled fondly down at him.  His head tilted back and his eyes turned to you, a shimmer of hopefulness laced in his features, and you gave his fingers a squeeze now, and he returned the gesture.  

Turning your eyes forward, to the vastness of space and time that was laid out in front of you as the Enterprise and all it's crew hurtled through the universe, you felt content and light, like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. 

Whether Jim had found you or you found him still remains a mystery, but you couldn't care less, because as you stood next to him, your love, your heart, surrounded by your friends and family aboard this ship, you knew everything was going to be okay.  

You had found those lost days.  You were home. 

-Thanks for Reading!  I hope you liked it!-

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