#jillyb

It’s August 1st. Which means in another day, it’ll be 2 months without you, Jill. I’ve been happier, lately. I trust that you can see me enjoying my life with my friends and our family. But, my heart still has an emptiness...a void that can’t be filled. How does it get filled, Jill? How does someone heal from losing someone like you? It hurts everyday. I don’t cry...but, I would rather spend a day crying over you than making a decent hourly wage at work. I could come up with a million words and phrases to try and express how much I miss you, but none of them could fully encompass the emotions, feelings, and sadness I get when I think about you, Jill.

Each day passes, and it hurts even more. My memory of your presence is still so fresh. And I don’t want that to go away...I don’t want time to take over. I don’t want the hours and days to pass. It only creates a bigger gap between the present and the past memory of you. I don’t want to forget every detail about...I’m so afraid of every little thing about you: your personality, style, habits, and mannerisms. Everything you said and did made you so unique and special. It was just you...nothing more and nothing less. Ever trait, characteristic, and quality of yours came together like a perfect ensemble of an orchestra...each one played its own note creating the sound of perfection. You were that amazing, that precious to me. And I don’t the want the time pushing my memory further and further away from that, Jill.

I really hate this, girl. I really hate that I have go about my day doing my own thing and my daily routines and heal at the same time. And that’s where I feel so conflicted...because I want to skip ahead to the part where I feel okay, when I’ve accepted that you’re not coming back, when I’m completely fine with all of the days you won’t be here with me and our family. At the same time, I dont want the time to pass. I want everything to freeze like how it is in movies where I’m the only one moving while everyone is pause. Then, I could use up all that paused amount of time to heal and still have a fresh memory of your physical presence when everything resumes.

I want you back on this world so badly, and I know I cant have that. You can tell, can’t you? Jill...I mean you got me out here writing to you on tumblr. As if the trend-dead website isn’t enough to reveal my softness...for you, you know I’d do anything to express how much I love you and appreciate you. I wanted one more day when I saw you in your casket...I begged a thousand times to have one more day. I want one more order of disco fries and one more contest at who could chug their milkshake faster without getting brain freeze. I want one more expression of how much you believe that I could find a significant other who could love me the way I deserve. I want one more family party with you where we make fun of the rest of our cousins and we all get into our fob modes to make fun of all the parents there. I want one more new year’s eve to see you sleep in the same hallway with Robbie and Hannah as you guys talk and fool around on your phones and Ipads...it was great seeing you guys keep that a tradition of childhood into your teenage years. 

I want one more hug...your signature, extremely tight, genuine, and full of every ounce of love in you type of hugs... A moment like this to say one last goodbye would’ve been perfect if I knew you were going to leave. I couldn’t touch you in your casket...I remember when grandma passed away and I held her hand. It was cold. Cold represented the absence of heat...but, to me, it was an absence of a soul in that moment. Your soul, full of warmth and genuine care, is what I miss so much. 

We miss you, Jill. Your talks, your understanding, and your care. Our hearts are still aching so much from the issues in our lives after your departure. We tell ourselves that we really want you here...to hear us and to listen to our rants. You made venting to you seem like a therapy session. You knew what to say every time. It didn’t have to be advice...it could’ve even been something that you mention and it would turn our heads completely around into a different perspective. 

We miss you so much. I wish I could be just as awesome at talking to people like you are, Jill. I wish I can have a talk with you about having talks with people that I care about. I wish I can have a talk about the talks I already had with people. I wish you were here to tell me all the right things so I could hand it out to everyone else. Actually, I just wish you were here.

~~~

We’re celebrating your 18th bday this Saturday. Family and friends will be there. And you won’t. Your mom said I have to come up with something to say because I’m one of the roses...but, there’s nothing I could say that could summarize how much you mean to me. I would rather walk up to you and hand you the rose myself, while the DJ plays our favorite soft song. Then, I slow dance with you and make some sort of joke as people are watching Kuya JP and Jilly be funny in some sort of way (because we didn’t care too much formality, we just wanted good times). I imagine so many of these precious moments and milestones, what they would be like if you were still here. But, is it wrong for me to look so far ahead? It hurts to, Jill. I can still feel goofiness in the rooms. I can still feel your voice speaking to me as if each joke you made was an attempt to tickle my mind. I can still feel your tight hugs squeezing every last bit of air out of my body. Most definitely, I can still feel the genuine care and love from every moment you walked out of my car and said, “I love you, Kuya JP!” I would reply, “Love you more.” You’d tell me it doesn’t work like that. And maybe it didn’t...because the amount of love you had for me, your friends, and family..is something I’m still trying to match till this day.

~~~