event 02 self para ↺ my heart is breaking in a way I never thought it could
featuring: jia chae, ryker herrera & yujin park [ @wrldbrns & @clwmarks ]
triggers for — explosion, fire, blood, burns, bad writing & death
❛ C’mon, you’re fucking fearless! I bet there’s nothing you’re afraid of! ❜ ❛ I’m scared of fire. ❜
Ryker’s teenage voice echoed in her mind. They had been so young when they had shared those words when they had just jumped into the ocean and yet, Jia seemed to be trapped in that memory. The words repeated themselves in her head. Rippling in waves, the volume going up and down and surrounding her like her head was trapped inside a bowl or an aquarium, or… as if she was watching one of those reruns the brunette liked so much. Her body was paralyzed on the ground, except for her eyes. The tears welled them up as the heat increased in the distance, the explosion swallowing everything in flames and smoke. She couldn’t move. She wished she could, but it was like her body didn’t obey and she couldn’t snap out of it. Everything around her was white noise, it seemed. Static sounds and heat. A buzzing sensation, an insect-like sound, a siren, ringing in her ears and making her head spin.
Still, she didn’t move, no matter how close the fire spread across the venue and almost reached her.
A scream pierced through the white noise. Loud, desperate. A perfect mix between sadness, anger. Pure agony tearing up the night.
❛ I love you, Jia. Thank you for…letting me just exist. ❜ ❛ You’ll always have a home in me, pretty. ❜
The screams kept coming. More desperate, more torturous, ripping the silence apart and suddenly, her chest was on fire too. They were her screams.
She couldn’t see through the tears, her eyes burning as much as her throat and lungs because of the smoke. She was coughing, out of breath and out of logic. Before she realized, Jia was running. Scrambling on the ground, struggling to get up, and running. Towards the fire. Towards him. As if she could ever find him among the flames.
Her body collapsed against something. No, not something. Someone. Someone held her by her waist, pulling her further away from the explosion site, yet she fought like she had never fought before. She tried to be set free, she tried to move away from that person’s grasp, but they were so much stronger. Her legs faltered in the process and Jia dropped to the ground again, scraping her knees on the dirt as her screams slowly evolved into loud sobs.
She kicked, screamed, smacked that person’s back, scratched their face and neck, all to try to get away from their hold; all so that she could go to him. But they wouldn’t let her go. It felt like a Chinese finger trap. The more she struggled, the stronger the hold got.
Her heart was breaking. It hurt too much.
❛ Go get the girl, Saja boy. You deserve it. ❜
Ryker’s smile was etched in her memory as her best friend walked backwards towards the popcorn stand, the glint of that nose ring caught in the lights of the concerts happening in the distance while he blew her an exaggerated kiss and stole a giggle from her lips. Jia’s hand flew up and her fingers closed into a fist, pretending to catch said kiss in the air and then, she brought it to her chest, pressing that hand over her heart. Playfully and exaggeratedly sweet, the brunette swayed her body from one side to the other, before flipping him off in between a laugh that soon, Ryker joined in. Jia watched as he turned around, her heart swelling with joy for the first time that night. She was so happy for Ryker to have been there, happy because he had asked Arisa out, happy because she was going to be okay. He would make sure of that. Jia was hopeful. This sadness and awkwardness she felt in her heart would not last forever.
She’d told him to go get the nurse some popcorn so they could share a moment together with the child, Luna. They’d finish the night off together, grabbing a meal and laughing about nothing in particular. I’ll call you later, he’d said before turning around. I’ll call you later. A silent promise lingering in those words. ❝ You got it. Love you, Saja! ❞ Jia called out to his back, and then, then next thing she knew, there was an explosion.
The blast was so strong it knocked her backwards and Jia fell on her ass. On the ground she stayed for a few moments, the ringing in her ears making her groan in agony. On the ground she laid, as if trying to tell herself she hadn’t just seen that. Trying to make the buzzing sound stop ringing in her ears. Until she made it to her hands and knees and stared as the flames consumed everything by the stand. All she could do was stare.
And then the screaming started.
❛ I don’t give a fuck what other people say. We deserve good things, too, d’you hear me? ❜
We deserve good things too.
More and more people kept dying and Jia didn’t know how to deal with all the pain that just kept adding up inside her chest. She was going to explode, too. Not him. Her brain yelled. Or maybe she was yelling, the sounds getting muffled by the torso of the person that she had eventually started clinging to, after incessantly having struggled to get away from. Jia had put up a fight, that’s for sure. She had kicked, smacked, pushed this person away and yet, they refused to let her go anywhere near the spot where black smoke gave into the sky. Her whole body was shaking, adrenaline and shock coursing through her veins and having her unable to fight back these reactions. She felt something cover her legs—a jacket, maybe? The commotion had pushed up her dress up to her waist as she struggled, but she couldn’t care less about that at the moment. How could she care if anyone saw her in distress, with scraped knees and no dignity?
It took Jia a few extra minutes to recompose herself, the flames catching her gaze again and she didn't know if she was shaking out of fear or desperation. Adrenaline kicked in and so did she. She pushed against who was holding her once more. Yujin. She recognized him now, and when the hitman refused to let her go, Jia punched him in his face so he would let her go and ran to where Ryker had landed after the explosion. Thick, dark blood covered the grass surrounding him. Her shaky hands were scared of touching his burnt flesh. God, the smell! The smell of propane, burned wood and burned flesh was going to make her go sick. ❝ No... ❞ Jia said under a shaky breath as she kneeled beside him. ❝ P-please… please stay with me, Ryker. ❞ Tears kept streaming down her face, blurring her vision and maybe that was for the best. She didn’t want her last memory of Ryker to be this. She didn’t want to think of him like that. Her hands trembled profusely and at his apology, Jia moved them to her lips, covering a loud sob.
Ryker was dead.
❝ No… no, no, no, you can't leave me. No. ❞ The brunette sobbed, shaking her head as her shaking body reacted to what had just happened. ❝ Please don't. Not you. You're the best thing I have. ❞ Her voice was barely a whisper as she laid down against his unmoving chest, his blood staining the right side of her face and hair as the flames engulfed their surroundings. Maybe if she stayed there, they would get her too. Why did it have to be him? Why couldn't it be her? Bargaining already? In between pleas, Yujin pulled her away from the fire again and this time, he dropped to the ground with Jia safely in his arms and there she stayed, unable to move away as she watched Ryker's body, still mumbling pleas as if they would bring her best friend back somehow.
Ryker was dead.
He was dead because she had told him to go buy some fucking popcorn. He was dead because of her. He was supposed to have his happy ending. He was supposed to get the girl and the kid. He was supposed to make it out. To get more photography jobs and be able to provide for himself in a clean, straight up way.
Oh, what a horrible thing hope was. Dangerous even. It could drive people mad in search for good things.
Fuck, what had she done?
