#jf;

It's hard to talk to you, cause all I remember is the night you left. I woke up and rolled over to kiss you... you weren't there. you weren't there and it crushed my heart. It hurts to talk to you.

"have you ever loved something so much you felt like your heart would just explode in your chest?" I have, and I loved him with everything I had, my body, my heart, my soul, my mind - everything was his. He consumed my thoughts constantly and being away from him always felt like I was away from home. But things happened and my heart did explode in my chest. Love is a scary emotion. I can't help but push people away when I feel them getting too close. But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to love someone so deeply again. I keep finding myself wanting what others have, which is ridiculous because everyone is different. But I look at the posts between John and Lorelai and can't help but wonder what it would be like to feel that way about somone....or if someone could ever feel that way about me. Or even you and Alex, how deeply you care for one another that you share everything, you cry together, laugh together, love together, you go through life. Even Josh and Val who support each other and trust and love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. I want that but it just doesn't seem within my reach.

when did i get so soft? i should have never told anyone about this. i should never have let them get close enough to where it would hurt when i would let them go. i’m sorry zoe. i’m sorry josh. it’s better this way. you’ll see. you’ll see how much easier it’ll be when you have one less person to worry about. i can’t believe it hurts this much. it’s like i’m ripping pieces out of my heart. fuck you, vegas. 

"time to babble. We’ve known each other for a few years now, albeit a bit on and off but now we’re closer than we’ve ever been and fuck, am I so grateful. To be honest, I owe you my life. You seem to know just the right things to say to really pick me back onto my feet. Sure, we have a history. I still have a few physical scars from your nails (and out of context I guess that sounds pretty bad) but I don’t think we would be this close without all that. We were both in pretty bad places at the time, and I think without you I would have just gotten worse back then. I hoped I helped you out, too, even slightly. You’re a small package but inside you are as bright as the sun, maybe even brighter. You make me laugh, you’re incredibly beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you by their side and be able to call themselves your man.  I don’t think I can ever say thank you enough. You help me keep myself in check, even when you’re going through so much yourself. It blows my mind that you can set things aside just to listen to me panic about some irrelevant shit. You don’t judge me for my rather stupid insecurities. And I hope you know I’ll never judge you for anything you feel bad about. I have faith in you no matter the bumps in the road. You can sincerely tell me anything, and it won’t change how I view your soul. You’re still you, even if sometimes things can get bad, okay? I’m here for you, it’s the least I can do to start repaying you."

they try to make me go to rehab and i say, yeah okay i think i will. i cant believe im doing this. i honestly owe zoe my life, she and josh are my foundation right now. i couldnt be more grateful to have them both in my life.