#jesuswalk

So I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the movie He’s just not that into you but, I watched it the other day. No I don’t come from a bad break up lol. I just secretly like watching rom-coms. I tried stopping but alas. Anyway that’s not the point. Point is I watching Gigi navigate her world searching for someone to love her back. Someone to see her and to call her back. She was searching for someone who valued her. Someone who’d let her be the exception and not the rule (movie reference)

So like it got me thinking in my own life I’m on a journey. I’ve been looking for love in weird and wonderful way. Trying to get people in general to like me (I gave up on boyfriends, another letter for another day). I wanted friends who would know me and stay but its flipping difficult to know me because at the same time I don’t want you to know me. Cos people who know you hurt you. And why would I want to be hurt right? I wanted people who came into my life never to leave it. I would tell you what I thought you wanted to hear so you could stay. But simultaneously I would analyse everything you said and did to show me that you actually didn’t care and that could justify me not sharing information with me. Then I’d be like forget everyone but cry myself to sleep because I’m lonely. I just constantly felt like I don’t fit in anywhere. I wasn’t smart enough for school. I wasn’t cool enough for church. I was too nerdy and goody-two-shoes in my family (except with immediate family like my siblings and parents). I basically have no one who truly knows me other than Jesus.

Then one day I had a moment in my quiet time with Jesus. I realised that actually all this stemmed from the fact that I don’t know His love. I mean I know He loves me but its still Jesus loves the world type vibe you know. Like its not personal yet despite it being head knowledge. I need a revelation, a moment of experiencing what it looks like to be loved by God because I genuinely don’t know and now it affects other spheres of my life. I don’t even want to lead cell because then what am I telling people? Jesus loves you personally no matter what you do or say He loves you. He loves you whether you believe it or not but yet I’m not sure what my belief is around that… Seems kind of hypocritical. No I don’t accept His doing stuff for me as Him showing me love (but don’t get me wrong I really appreciate and need what He has done). I know and believe that He is good down to my soul. I am now ready for love and I’m now praying persistently.

At least that’s what I believe… That He wants me to pray without ceasing like the story of the guy who wakes the neighbour up because he wants bread and the neighbour eventually gets up. So I feel that He wants me to follow that guys example and just be persistent when I pray for Him to show me His love. I mean I accepted Jesus basically since forever and now only do I realise I don’t really know His love but I don’t feel like He’s disgusted with me or anything. Which is great.