#jesusjunkie

Things will only have its true value when you fight for it -Havilah Cunnington

Reality check: as I am typing this piece I am also finishing my dinner which is fried rice with paksiw (Filipino dish consists of fish cooked in vinegar and other spices). Yum! bruh! Mom cooks best everrrr!

WARNING: Christian life story time (This is not an enjoyable read for any skeptic and unbelievers out there so please do not read through.)

It was September 5, 2016, 8 days ago. It is not special in eyes but much personal in heart. Few days before, I came across with the instagram profile and post of a Filipina student in UP-Los Baños, Laguna and a representative in Harvard. (Man, I dunno but since I do not have work yet I am filled with random unproductiveness.) Anyway, she is smart. It is technically given because Harvard, hello. LOL. But really, what caught me was one of the captions in her post wherein it says *non-verbatim* “ how questions lead to answers, how questions remain as questions but the only answer is He is enough and I don't need to logic all the time to satisfy me. #God #worldchanger”. I am glad when I read this because I thought I was the only one who can relate in my own battle within. 

The following was written in my devotional journal...genuine “me” ahead.

September 5, 2016 (A regular church Sunday, preaching and altar call, thought so)

Dear Lord, YAASSS HAHA! I have now a glimpse of how I would want to live my life ehem my entire life though HAHA. I am just glad. Anyways yun nga perfect so This is Amazing Grace by Taya Smith singing in the earphones of my sistah HAHA. Anyways, lol di ko talaga kayang hindi mag-direct to the point lol. Ito na kasi talaga HAHA kulit eh TAMA NUH.

I would never imagine I will surrender in the kind of way kanina. It’s very vulnerable. Naiyak ako naalala ko na naman. It is so personal. I did not become this personal with anyone whoever existed not even my parents but YEAH. I am literally crying. I felt the comfort again. I prayed because I felt the whole preaching was for me as well as other Christians felt, relate lalo na yung depression. I have been in a very personal numbing pain and just remembering the times I want to end my life and cannot understand myself, it hurts. When you have depression, suddenly you just felt tired, extreme tiredness in the brain. You can’t even control what you think. It is painful and it is hard. Sometimes I will just cry when I feel happiness or comfort especially in our(my bestfriend and I) devotion because I almost forgot to feel peace and comfort that comes from the soul. You can’t explain it you just feel it. I am a kind of person who don’t want to see sad, tired or unhappy people. I want them to laugh and smile. I like the sounds of people’s laugh. So yeah, back to my life-surrender-moment a while ago, I said “Lord, if you’ll gonna use my brains, use it. if you’ll use what I know, use it. If you’ll use my personality, use it.” Nagdadalawang isip pa ako sa heart eh, but then yeah I said “Lord, pagnakita mo yung puso ko baka nga wala ka don eh baka madisappoint ka lang kasi hindi ikaw nag-rurun nun pero sige I’ll give it to You na rin, use it kahit hindi maayos. I’m ready Lord, I don’t want to go back and have depression again. I know it’s not easy. I will not be a “Christian” right after in this altar call. It is a process but if ever this will cause me a numbing pain, okay lang basta I don’t want to go back. Please. I don’t want.” Thank You Jesus, I had a fun and productive day. :)

There are days when everything that can go wrong seems to go wrong. We are so easy to point the blame at some else. We do that because we are human. It is in our nature. We fail to look at ourselves first. I struggle with this myself too. However, when something goes wrong or we do something we shouldn’t be doing. We should all look at ourselves first. What should I be doing? How could I have changed the outcome of what just happened? How would Jesus have handled this situation? Where was Jesus in this situation? Never be the first to point the blame to someone else.

“Let the one who has not sinned throw the first stone.” (John 8:7) Not one accuser was able to throw a stone. The fact is that is how life is today. I know we all struggle with accusing people. Having sinned ourselves we need to learn that we are unable to throw stones. Go back to the questions I mentioned earlier when you feel like pointing blame.

Jesus is always with us. He always knows what we’re thinking, what we see and hear, and what we say before we ever say it. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he could hit mute before we thought or said anything negative? He can but he won’t. That is part of being in the flesh. We have to learn to control our thoughts and tongues. We need to learn to see through the eyes in our hearts and then we can see the world as Jesus does.

We all work extremely hard at our jobs. Most days. We work hard at being moms and running our families. Taking our kids to and from activities and sports. We work hard at keeping our houses clean and getting dinner on the table at a decent hour. We at least do our best to do all of those things. But in doing those things are we seeking God’s assistance? Are we doing all those things and honoring God at the same time? We need to not worry about creating a problem-free life and worry more about creating a God filled life. Showing everyone around us what God looks like. Don’t just fill a pew or chair on Sundays and then not live out the Church the rest of the week. What does that show or teach others? That we can all just fill space and continue on with our lives? That isn’t how it’s supposed to work.

Every day we should seek God and hope that others can see His light shine through us. Maybe things are going wrong in someone else’s life and they need to see a little Jesus from someone else. Smile and render the greeting of the day to every person you may pass on the street. When things seem all wrong we should trust in God, and we can show others to trust in him as well. Don’t wait for the right circumstance, because it will never come, just give the right response when it’s needed.

All these crazy people have been praying for snow. Well, you’ve finally got it and I hope you’re happy! Don’t lose your focus, enjoy it, embrace it, and for heaven’s sake GO PLAY IN IT!

Do you pray all the time? For instance when you first wake up, while you’re getting ready, when you’re driving to work, while at work, on the way home from work, while cooking dinner, when you get in bed? Those are a lot of for instances but all good times to just reflect and pray to God! I pray ALL the time, sometimes I get distracted by my boys or by the dog barking to go outside, or even just my own thoughts trying to keep up with what I am doing. But you know what, it’s alright to get distracted. Why? Because we’re human, we do it, just take a moment to refocus on God and what you we’re praying about and he’ll gladly look down and share a smile with you. It’s ok to be human. God knows you mean well! Those distractions aren’t “moments of weakness” they’re just part of living in the flesh. Refocus and move forward.

When we have a true moment of weakness in our life THAT is when God will move in our lives and let His presence be seen by those around you. They’ll see how broken and down you are, and how much God is working in your life to mend you and pick you back up. Don’t be ashamed and hide it, share it for the world to see how great our God is. Don’t lose that focus, and if you do (again) refocus on God and continue what you were doing. How great is it that our God forgives us, smiles, and moves on! That’s exactly what we should do too!

Enjoy your snow storm everyone, I am staying inside with my pups where it’s nice and warm and dry and enjoying my devotional time!

I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I have had it for many years of my life, more years than not. I have constant fear and worry in my life. It can be from the smallest to the largest things in my life. I am a worry wort and then when I start to worry I become anxious about what I am worrying about, and sometimes I will start to panic. Panic is seldom reached, but the anxiousness and worry are daily struggles. I will never not have GAD and it is something I have and will have to continue to live with for the rest of my life.

At times I can have everything under complete control and be almost completely happy. And then it can be the smallest of detail out of place or my schedule gets messed up and my entire world crashes down. I lose it. I sweat. I breathe heavy. I fight back tears. I just want peace with what went wrong. Everyone around has to deal with my GAD as well, because well it’s not a complete internal thing. And Lord help the ones who don’t understand it. I can snap ‘em like a twig when I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack.

Trust me when I say I’m not thrilled to have to live with GAD but I am still learning how to handle situations and difficulties when they arise. The best fix for my GAD thus far in life has been God. I find a quiet place (even if it’s just the bathroom at work!), I close my eyes, and I pray. I pray that God has his hands already on my situation and to help me with controlling it. I pray for his strength to handle my anxiety in difficult moments. He comes through every time, but let’s be real, some days it’s harder than others.

In difficult times each of us should strive to trust God more than in good times. Difficult times and things that make us anxious are opportunities for spiritual growth. As long as we trust in God, he will guide us on the right path for our lives and give us the strength we need to make it through any situation that may arise in our lives. So don’t waste your energy on regret or thinking what could have been, just take God’s hand and continue to push forward. It’s ok to be anxious but calm yourself knowing that God is in full control of your situation and your life.

Some days are just harder than others. We make plans and they don’t go accordingly or the weather may take a factor. For whatever reason, we don’t get to do what we wanted or we just feel like it’s an “off day.” It’s natural to have off days. I’ve been having quite a few myself lately. I am in a funk and am trying to heal my spirit man and get that part of me all filled up, versus my natural man. I suffer from anxiety and a lot of days are harder than others for me, especially when it comes to planning and it not going my way. I have to plan everything out and if things aren’t going according to my plans I start to panic. I mean seriously, I have a 12 month calendar that has a COLOR CODE! When I start to get to much out of control with my planning or my thoughts about my days God giggles at me and says “Slow down, I’ve got this!” I outwardly take it out on other people sometimes and that is something I have to work on. I promise I am truly working on it!

God is the boss of us each day and he determines what’s going to get done and what isn’t. He determines what is good for our lives and what isn’t. Most times it’s not what we’ve planned. We have to learn to accept His way and push forward. So even in the tough moments of the day or week trust Him and thank Him in advanced for what He is about to do in your life!