#jestersinsanity

https://cash.app/$JesterSinsanity

Hey all, long time no see.

Its officially been a year since I graduated HS and left band to go off to college. After everything that has happened with my old BD (i.e. for reminder, solicitation of a minor), I started thinking back to my years in band and finally realized just how drained it had left me. Tired after late nights because of football games and contests. Stressed from almost being late to classes on multiple occasions due to his instence on "one more run", and from homework pile up that occurred because of contests and trips. (I remember having to explain to my geometry teacher in 10th grade that all of our time on the bus down to the state competition would be spent sleeping instead of doing schoolwork because he scheduled a 4 hour practice along the way.) I remembered that once high school hit I stopped doing solo & ensemble. I stopped trying to do All-Region. Freshman year was spent learning the ropes. Sophomore year was spent fighting to keep our state title, and trying not to die from Mr. Royal's -an 'hard critic' marching instructor my BD had work with us literally twice every week all 4 years- workshops. (I remember how terrified I was off him until I stopped giving a shit halfway through junior year.) Junior year I fucked up and lost the respect my BD had for me (basically, he was rushing us to get dressed for halftime even though We'd just started, being rushed triggers my anxiety and stresses me out, and I cursed him out, albeit out of EARSHOT OF HIM, but someine else ratted me out and he made me cry the following Monday.) That SAME year, but at a different game, I had a full-blown anxiety attack because he yelled at us after halftime. At somepoint after that I just stopped caring about his opinions. He was not longer directing the band I knew- the band I fell in love with all those years ago as a child, when I still had to be lifted up to watch them perform. I stopped caring after the middle school directors- the ones who helped him run the HS band, the ones who out up with all of his bull shit and crazy ideas, the ones who quite literally pushed me out of my comfort zone because they saw my potential- left for other opportunities. Senior year came around and my only focus was making it through that final year so I could leave and never look back. I went through senior year stone faced and pissed off, only ever really caring for the freshman and sophomores, many of whom affectionately called me "mom" because of how I handked things. The thing my friends and I used to talk about all the time out of excitment now became something we vented about. We were all just done. We were all tired if his favoritism and his pickiness. At one point early on in the year I remember saying "Once we graduate, I'm gone, and I won't have to have anything to do with our BD anymore." I went into college last fall, and even though I knew we had a pep band there, I never planned in joining it because of how burnt out I was. I just started summer break from college, and thinking about pep band now, the idea still doesn't spark the excitement it might have years ago.

Now don't get me wrong, for the most part I enjoyed band for what it was, despite the negatives, but we all have our breaking point when it cimes to putting up with the negatives that might follow what we love, and I reached that point. And in saying that, I want you all to know that band burn out isn't a bad thing. If you or a friend ends up experiencing it dont be hard on yourselves for doing so. Interests change. Dreams change. You are not required to love band until you die, trust me, they never put that in the contact (as I'm sure would have been the clause that mentioned your free time, and yiur soul). Just... Always keep that in mind.

Sincerely, a tired soul,